Making it work

Hi CML, thanks for your continuing support 🙂

Apols for the confustion today...I know people care, strangers here in cyber space & people in the fellowship rooms who extend their hands of friendship to anyone that walks through the doors not to mention friends & family.

I too let Mr Gamble convince me that gambling was my future...The £500 jackpot machines were my life. How a seemingly intelligent person could believe such twaddle is anyone's guess but I really really wanted to win so I could gamble to my heart's content with no guilt! Somewhere along this journey I have realised that this is not just a financial curse, an addict's brain will have us believe our particular poison is the only 'thing' that can keep us sane be that gambling, poisoning our hearts & minds with drink, drugs & alcohol, having meaningless s*x...Whatever our 'choice' is, we can rationalise why whilst in action. As we come out the other side & the fog starts to clear we look back @ ourselves, shaking our heads in despair @ the nonsense we bought into. It's not a deliberate act to hurt others but it can be self harming once we buy into the mindset that we are useless. My husband doesn't get it, he's coming round but it's been a long hard slog convincing him that this doesn't just go away & I need him to know that even if he doesn't understand, I need to always stay on my guard. They don't need to get it but they need to know that we are fighting for all we are worth to right our wrongs & we owe it to them as much as ourselves to find our way 'home'. Keep your mind open & focus on your reactions, the things you can control, you do choose just like you chose all through Christmas & sailed through this danger period - ODAAT

Thanks ODAAT. You have a deep understanding of this addiction and of the associated mind control. I agree that it's like a financial curse, especially when you consider that we cannot even carry money around with us - coz it will burn holes in our pockets! Maybe that's part of the issue; If we dread the feeling of being skint, then when we actually have some spare money we feel anxious and uncomfortable until it is spent or wasted away.

I'm 66 days GF and remain optimistic and determined, but also wary and cautious.

A new year ahead with the notion of clear thinking and resolution. I have realised that I must have other things to focus on with definite goals or targets, because I cannot allow my mind to be too preoccupied with thoughts of gambling.

So today I put on my trainers and started jogging, with the intention of completing a 10K in April and a half marathon in June. This will be a real challenge and my body is already telling me to take it easy! However, this will be an ideal distraction for me as I know from past experience how much focus and dedication is required to follow a training schedule.

Hopefully, I am slowly winning the trust and respect with my OH. Today she gave me £40 cash to buy some tickets for a show and I could tell what was going through her mind as she gave me the money. Just like giving a bag of sweets to a child without the chance to have one. It wasn't really a deliberate test (I don't think), but there's no way that I would have risked gambling with it anyway.

I wish everyone on the forum a very happy, determined and gambling-free 2017.

Well I'm continuing onwards with a determination to remain GF. Unfortunately it's that time of the year again with grey skies and a lack of sunshine that effects our mood and disposition. But I've got to stay positive. Predictably, like most others, I have over-endulged during the festive season and new year celebration. Then without warning I felt really down - tired, miserable and dispondent, pondering thoughts of gambling and escapism. I realised that this was mainly due to the inhibiting action on my medication due to the effects of alcohol. And when I feel depressed - I feel like I want to gamble. So the key to my recovery is to be content, positive and happy with help from the meds, whilst limiting my alcohol intake.

Went for a 5K 'Park Run' this morning alongside maybe 300 other runners; children, veterans and dog walkers. A sharp frost with slippery paths awaited us, but there was a friendly atmosphere and the sun was attemping to escape from behind the clouds. I teamed up with a mate who lives locally as a running partner, to encourage and spur each other on. The run was challenging and exhilerating. Pumping the heart, releasing endorphins and feeling alive, to be followed by a relaxing 'mocca' coffee in the cafe overlooking the river.

Why am I detailing this activity in my recovery diary? - because I want to express my need and desire for 'feeling well', because when I feel happy and content, thoughts about gambling are way down the pecking order.

It's true that some of the best and most rewarding things in life are free.

Had a bit of an up and down week with my mood. When I'm at work I find myself thinking about gambling or promising myself a few beers to relax with during the evening. I'm 83 days GF and I don't feel the urge to gamble, but I just can't get it out of my head. I know some people would suggest focusing on other things, keeping busy etc. but the only time I can seem to rid myself of these gambling thoughts is when I'm on holiday. I wish that life was one long holiday.

The truth is that CG has been with me for so long - it has actually become part of me. It wasn't just a habit that got out of control; it occupied my thoughts entirely. For the last ten years my ambition was to win enough money to become financially independent and I truly believed that I could make it happen. And even now I still have a visualization of winning big or consistantly.

I have to accept that these thoughts will probably always be with me, and although I will try not act upon them, I cannot honestly say that I will never gamble again.

As deano posted a while back: when we abstain from gambling life doesn't automatically become great, and many of the issues still remain. Although if we really consider things and compare various aspects of our lives GF, we should learn to appreciate that the financial pressure has been reduced, relationships have improved, sleeping quality is better and there is less anxiety and worry.

I went for a decent 4 mile run today and felt really good. It's a must to have goals to aim for and things to occupy the time.

My 20 year old daughter was off to work this morning looking a bit dispondent. I said to her, trying to be funny, "don't worry, work is good for the soul". She replied "No actually work is good for lining the pockets, - Adventure is good for the soul". Nodding in agreement I then said "Hey I like that"! - It seems that my daughter has more wisdom than me.

Later on I will be sorting through and editing my holiday photos, beginning to read a new book and cooking a Sunday roast. I think that I am beginning to leave gambling in the past.

Thank you so much for your post in my Diary...

I keep saying the same thing but it's so true......The support that goes around these forums is truly humbling, total strangers coming together to try and help each other, from the recent members like myself to the long term posters who continue years of being GF yet still return here to help others wherever they can...

You are doing so well, changing so much in your life .... continue on and I'm sure your OH will see the person she fell in love with come back to her... and with all that exercise... you will have a new body too! Lol...

Many many thanks again!

M x

Not really sure how to say thanks for your wave of support but aside from my appalling gr4sp of English grammar (aka excessive use of punctuation) my writing career crashed & burned recently when I created a blog & didn't have the technological know how to do additional posts :-0

I cannot begin to tell you how fortunate I have been to have had my search for a future connect me to the amazing people it has & if my posts provide a fraction of the support I have been given then that is something for me to smile about. Equally, it keeps it real for me so it is important for my recovery that I try & pay it forwards. It's good to know that people have faith in me...I don't want to let anyone down, least of all myself!

Coming here & having 'feelings' (I've chucked some inverted commas in there so that you know I'm not talking about anything dodgy) for cyber friends that I hadn't experienced before (given my extensive affair with inanimate objects) was shocking but the theme has continued into every fellowship room I have walked into. I don't think I'd seen the word used properly until I came here & saw it on Duncanmac's diary but as Mari has just said, it truly is very humbling...Even more so when you look from the outside at how we expect society to judge us.

Good to see you embracing the changes & reaping the rewards of recovery. That daughter of yours has a wise head on her shoulders...Just goes to show, we're always learning & sometimes from the most unexpected sources. Keep doing what you're doing - ODAAT

As has often been said on here - When we leave the gambling behind, we open our eyes to the world. And it's so true. As CG's we hid ourselves away - locked inside our self-absorbing cage, not even pausing to notice the beauty or wonderful things around us.

I'm beginnning to really appreciate my life and to value the things that really matter. So it's my turn to do a 'Freda' - (no disrespect hun), to list my thoughts and observations.

Today I am grateful to be free from gambling and to be given another chance.

I am grateful for the roof over my head, and for the food on my table.

I feel blessed to have a loving family, and an income from employment.

I am thankful for my good health, and for the NHS for when I become ill.

I am in awe of the natural beauty in wild-life, landscapes, sunsets and stars.

I am grateful for my medication which helps to keep a smile on my face.

I feel privileged to be part of the human race, among billions of people inhabited on this tiny planet.

For many years I wanted to change my life for the better, and thought that I'd be able to make that change by gambling to win money. But I have now accepted that it's not going to happen. So I have committed to find other ways to Change-My-Life, and I realise that happiness is not just about having a healthy bank balance.

So what changes have I made since I gave up gambling? - I use my time more efficiently because I am able to actually concentrate on things, without the distraction of gambling thoughts. I consider other peoples feelings and opinions more freely, and am able to express myself openly and honestly. I am far more positive and optimistic about the future, even though life will often throw up problems, challenges and disappointments. I have finally grown my finger nails having bitten them for the past four and a half years.

Life can be tough - in fact it is for most, and even those people who seem to have everything have probably had to overcome some difficult hurdles to achieve their goals. And perhaps it's better for others to have a minimalistic approach in life, learning to be content with what they have, rather than striving towards unrealistic outcomes.

My friend with whom I go running is a therapist and meets with people from all walks of life, helping to solve their problems. He mentioned that he had chatted to a homeless man in his 20's who felt that it was unfair that others had an easy life with material things and comforts. But the man did not seem to *** that most people have to work hard for what they've got - it's not just given on a plate. Everyone should take responsibility for their own lives, if this is possible.

It's about dispelling the negatives, and accentuating the positives. Working to live - rather than living to work. Appreciating all the little things in life that make the difference.

And don't forget the odd treat - a bar of chocolate or a slice of cake. They say that a little bit of what you fancy does you good. It's better to be a little overweight - and happy, than slim and miserable!

I'm now 93 days GF.

Onwards and upwards...

changemylife wrote:

For many years I wanted to change my life for the better, and thought that I'd be able to make that change by gambling to win money. But I have now accepted that it's not going to happen. So I have committed to find other ways to Change-My-Life, and I realise that happiness is not just about having a healthy bank balance.

So what changes have I made since I gave up gambling? - I use my time more efficiently because I am able to actually concentrate on things, without the distraction of gambling thoughts. I consider other peoples feelings and opinions more freely, and am able to express myself openly and honestly. I am far more positive and optimistic about the future, even though life will often throw up problems, challenges and disappointments. I have finally grown my finger nails having bitten them for the past four and a half years.

Life can be tough - in fact it is for most, and even those people who seem to have everything have probably had to overcome some difficult hurdles to achieve their goals. And perhaps it's better for others to have a minimalistic approach in life, learning to be content with what they have, rather than striving towards unrealistic outcomes.

My friend with whom I go running is a therapist and meets with people from all walks of life, helping to solve their problems. He mentioned that he had chatted to a homeless man in his 20's who felt that it was unfair that others had an easy life with material things and comforts. But the man did not seem to *** that most people have to work hard for what they've got - it's not just given on a plate. Everyone should take responsibility for their own lives, if this is possible.

It's about dispelling the negatives, and accentuating the positives. Working to live - rather than living to work. Appreciating all the little things in life that make the difference.

And don't forget the odd treat - a bar of chocolate or a slice of cake. They say that a little bit of what you fancy does you good. It's better to be a little overweight - and happy, than slim and miserable!

I'm now 93 days GF.

Onwards and upwards...

Wonderful honest & uplifting post....Many thanks for sharing.

M x

Throughout this recovery diary I have detailed the triggers which have driven me to gamble, my thought processes and justification for my actions. My mental torture, despair, anxiety and deceit will serve as a permanent reminder of this illness which often held me in a vice-like grip, with a compulsion to gamble each and every day.

I am naturally analyistic in my accessment of things. But whether that means I am a complex person or just a simpleton - I don't know.

I've been thinking about the early influences in my life which may have a link to my CG, although on the face of it, they seem harmless enough. And certainly at the time it was just fun.

AGE 9: I remember clearly staying at my Grandma's house in Bognor Regis on the south coast during the school summer holidays. I was given a small bag of 50 x 1pence coins to entertain myself at the seaside amusement arcade. The excitement and anticipation of the creaky, mechanical one-armed-bandits, the coin fountain and the wonderful little colourful enamelled horses scooting around the track.

AGE 12: On holiday at Butlins I watched the 'race night' on the projector screen with fascination - old black and white re-runs of actual horse races captured on cinematic reels of film. An opportunity to back the winner and win some money.

AGE 14: At a holiday camp I discovered an intriguing game that combined visual entertainment and player participation. - Throwing of plastic balls into holes of different values in order to move a specific horse towards the finishing line. The winner would gain a token which could then be spent on prizes.

AGE 15: I remember playing games at home such as 'Lose Your Shirt' - (a game based on horse racing), and mini roulette. The thrill from these type of games with imaginary winnings far outshone ordinary games such as Monopoly.

My Dad worked at a Bookmaker's throughout the 70's and early 80's - back in the days of wipe boards for displaying the odds and 'live' commentary rather than monitors. Although he was never a proper gambler, I could tell that he had a passion for it and a relish for the 'buzz'. As an employee he was not allowed to have a bet, although once he did take part in a syndicate, whereby all the selected horses won, giving him a 1/5 share of a very significant win, which was enough to buy a new kitchen for our home. Dad would however always play this down and reiterate that 'gambling never pays'. He'd say things like: 'Why do you think there is only one cashier window for 'Pay Out', but there are three windows for 'Bet Here?? With 16 years behind the counter my Dad had the knowledge and experience to know that most gamblers lose. He'd say that the only real winners were the 'little old ladies' who'd bet with 20p stakes on a 'Lucky 15' - (total £3), and even after a big win, they would still carry on betting with a small stake.

One day whilst my Dad was working at the betting shop a punter sold him an expensive pair of binoculars for £10 (worth about £100) because he had run out of money and was desperate to place a bet. Not surprisingly, the bet lost.

This reminds me of when I sold a collection of CD's for £200 to get some money for gambling. I wasted away every last pound, and on reflection I mused - 'what was the point of doing that'!

You'd have thought that gamblers would consider all the previous occasions when they lost. But of course a gamblers mind works differently. When 'betting tokens' are available - the anticipation and expectation begins, based on a crazy, unfounded conviction that maybe, just maybe this time will be different. Perhaps this time Lady Luck will hold our hand and smile with us, as we continue to win and win, with ever increasing stakes to generate a fortune, making us feel blissfully happy and empowered. - NOT :((

Made it! 100 days GF. But can I make it to 200, 1000, 10,000 days GF? Only time will tell...

Well I guess my story has now been told, and perhaps this is where my diary ends. I no longer have strong urges to gamble, and with blocks in place, I am confident that I can remain GF.

I know for many, this forum is a shining light of hope when they find themselves in a dark and unforgiving place. The genuine support and vital information often provides the key to abstinance, recovery and wellness.

However, I feel that I'm at a stage where my mindset is in a controlled and assured state, because of my understanding and knowledge of addiction. Why do I believe that I am able to continue abstaining from gambling? - Because, before I came upon this forum I had already hit my 'rock bottom', with serious implications for bankruptcy, divorce, anxiety disorder or worse! - But I have managed to turn things around with a real hope and determination for a better future. I know that I never want to go back to that dark, soul-destroying place ever again.

My very good friend died of cancer 2 years ago. He and I were gambling buddies for many years - living the highs and lows together with a special bond. From his hospital bed we began chatting about our past gambling exploits. He then commented that if he could live his life over again, he would stop chasing the money and concentrate on living his life to the full. - I've promised myself that I will keep his words of clarity firmly in mind.

I will try to encourage and advise others on here, although the message usually carries a common thread; blocks, exclusions, disclosure, debt management and a focus on other fulfilling activities. I hope also, that other CG's can gain a real insight to the potential prolonged heartache, debt and destruction that this addiction can have in someone's life, and feel that my diary will show the journey of pain, frustration, desperation and compulsion.

Hopefully, people will also draw strength and conviction from the realisation that recovery is possible. Life may not always be a 'bed of roses', but we still have the 'power to decide'. To decide on the correct course of action, to pave way for a better outcome.

Compassion, hope, enlightenment and love to you all.

Well done on reaching the century club. All the best for the future.
Deano

Thank you so much for your lovely words in my diary & belated congrats on your century!

I have no idea yet what I'm going to do with my pot but just having it there is such a good incentive to stay away from the demon slots.....I'd lost all concept of the value of money while hitting that deposit button.

You mentioned about this being the end of your diary....I for one would hate to see you disappear but you have to do what's right for you.

Take care, keep on doing what you're doing....Thanks again!

M x