Making it work

Thanks Deano and Mari for your kind comments.

It's been a while since my last diary post, but thankfully I remain GF. That's not to say that it's been easy... Life can be very tiring, frustrating and stressful. Do I miss gambling? Yes of course I do... But I cannot afford to go back to my old ways - living on the edge - keeping my head just above water.

It would be an interesting scenario if I was wealthy. If the act of gambling is really about the actual experience, rather than winning money - would I participate? Would I act like a famous footballer - flashing the cash. Maybe I'd lose 100k and then shrug it off!

Anyway, back to the real world. Working hard, paying off my debts, trying to remain happy and content. I do think however, that the demands and pressure of modern life is in some ways worse than previous eras, for instance - the 60's & 70's when people had a less materialistic nature, and dare I say it - more honest, exciting, fun times.

I have definately missed this forum - with the meaningful input of people from all walks of life.

Gonna get all philosophical. Thinking about the world, the universe, and society: What is good? What is beauty? Do we have free will? What is truth? What is evil? What is the relationship between mind and body? What is science? What is love?

You may realize that we are all living on a tiny planet called Earth spinning at approximately 1,040 mile/hour. We were all born to live - born to die. ashes to ashes - dust to dust. We may have lost loved ones - Totally heart-breaking. But still we hope for something else. We can't let go. The stars will shine our way. The meaning of our life: To do our best. To love and be loved. To try. To survive. To create. To endeavour. To live. We may all live again. Who knows? Some philosophers think that humankind actually know only 15-20% of the knowledge of the universe, but scientists think differently.

What would you think if knew that your life was just a test - every single element scrutinised for evidence of thoughtfulness, compassion, courage and purpose. What if you could look back on your life - as with the lyrics - 'one day my father said to me: live a life you will remember', - God, that is a powerful lyric! - Think about looking down reflecting on your whole life!

Finally, in my crazy mind I give you one more notion: What if Life is not even as it seems, perhaps nothing is real. What we know to be real is actually imaginary?!?!

Nice one Cha . Interesting and thought provoking post . However if you had watched Red Dwarf you would know what the universe was all about ! Wonder if it all really matters anyway , perhaps we just take it all a bit too seriously !

Is it right or is it wrong

To dance about n sing a song

To seem real smart than act the fool

Or just chill out and keep your cool

Just checking in. Looking for inspiration. I'm gonna finish my d**n project if it kills me. I'll be 52 next week. I feel like I've got to make things happen in my life. I give it 4 more years. I've just taken out a loan for £4.5K over 4 years. £1K to clear the overdraft, £1.5K to help cover outgoings and £2K dedicated to completing/promoting my project. Drastic measures - yes, but life remains frustrating and a struggle, even without gambling. Why: Joint financial commitments - big mortgage, 3 bank loans, 2 cars, 4 credit cards, 3 children, 5 mobile phones, 3 pets and 12hour working shifts. We didn't go down the step-change route coz wifey didn't want credit score screwed up. But we spend most of the month in overdraft and can't seem to stick to a budget or spending plan. We can't agree to work together on finance (initially I gave her full control of the finances) - but she doesn't get it. She'd re-direct money away from the joint account into her ISA (for security and peace of mind) - gaining a measley £30 in interest for the year, whilst wasting away £20 a month on overdraft/account fees. Basically, there's never enough money! I don't think 2 people can jointly take responsibility for finance and expenditure. Would I be better off or happier on my own? Perhaps Wifey will never forgive the losses incurred through my gambling over the years. She certainly bears a grudge. Maybe there is no way forward? Time will tell.

I think it would be incredibly difficult for any sane person not to bear a grudge in these circumstances Changemylife & have to ask how your project benefits your wife? 2k is a lot of disposable income to anyone in recovery especially those struggling a bit...How is this being managed if she no longer has full financial control? I kind of disagree with you about 2 people being able to manage money but I agree that this means joint decisions on where it sits & whilst I can almost understand her need to see it in her name, it is utter madness to have savings when there is debt to service but lots of it that is your debt & as long as you stay clean, it will come down. Life is probably more frustrating because you are not gambling anymore, there's no-where to hide now so you're having to face things that you simply ran from before! Recovery is a long road & if you guys have any chance of surviving, you need to figure out how to walk in the same direction - ODAAT

Thanks Kelly. You're right in that you say there's a long way to go on the road to recovery and of course paying off debts (many of which were due to my gambling). However I should point out that two of the credit cards and one loan are soley in my wifes name, used to consolidate debt and spread the cost. Obviously a marriage should be based on joint decisions made with consideration of affordability, security and plain common sense, but it seems that the general concensous is such that a CB must hand over complete financial control to OH without question (P.s. we tried it out for 5 months). For me it doesn't work. Whether I gamble or not, we're still struggling in debt. And the resentment works both ways - My OH will never forget, forgive or try to understand. And I will continue to feel under pressure because we are still over-budget and wifey seems to be blinkered when she buys presents, days out, non essential goods or household items putting us further over budget and stressing me out.

How does my 2K project help my wife? Is it wishfull thinking - wasting more money or following a dream?. I have a dream... And if I don't go for it now - it will never happen. My design project could be a great success. After all - what's the alternative? 15 more years of soul-destroying 'survival'... I'm not that kind of person. I could reach breaking point. Life is what you make it.

It doesn't matter who's name the debt is in if it's gambling debt & I can understand her being extravagant...Maybe it feels like a punishment to you but she might think it's only fair since you did what you did? Resentment does work both ways but when you step back & consider where you would be now had you not gambled, if her current habits would have been manageable then perhaps you may need to cut her some slack. If not & you guys are as poles apart as you sound then you may need to consider a different path going forwards.

Being in debt is stressful which is partly why I couldn't fathom a further loan especially when you are struggling @ the moment & I guess i wanted to hear that it could only be used for your project. That being said, it's not my life & not my concern & I'm not sure that the consensus is to fully relinquish financial control, it's more about accountability for us. Our track records are collectively pretty poor in this area & being financially accountable is an important barrier.

It is important that you follow your dreams so please don't let the gambling monster side track you & I wish you every success with the design & fun getting it to the finished article - Kelly

Thanks, once again Kelly. I know that you always respond with honest, critical assessment and encouragement.

Like you say, if I hadn't gambled away so much money over the years then our financial commitments would have been much lower, allowing affordability for other items. Yes, my OH probably feels that she deserves a few luxuries or things to look forward to. She works hard. She's thoughtful and hasn't really done anything wrong! But the fact is that all the time we're together - my debt is also her debt, and visa-versa. So if eventually we pay everything off - its got to be a joint effort. As you stated it has to be based on accountability and I am still actively showing complete transparency with my spending but I will have to earn more to cover the payments on the new loan.

As regards ongoing resentments held within a marrige perhaps we should remember our vows - 'for better - or for worse'. It's a bit like - 'you're either for me - or against me'. Together we sink or together we thrive. If I become successful and reap the rewards, clearly my OH would want to share with this. So it has to work both ways.

What is Life...Without Music and Love.

To hear the birds chirp, from way up above.

Fun and Laughter, together we shine.

Open hearts, forever entwine.

Let us imagine, if not for one day...

Forgiveness and friendship... No sorrow or pain.

Congratulation change . Your 292 days GF blows me away , just hoping I can do the same .

Love the poem my friend . We hanker after this that and the other when the true beauties of life are staring us in the face .

Looking forward to reading through your diaries and gaining inspiration from your shining example .

I heard the awesome track - 'Don't Give up' by Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush on the radio the other day, and it simply blew me away. The powerful lyrics and vocals combine for inspiration, survival,compassion and belief. I think the lyrics epitimise the struggle and challenge faced by a recovering CG.

Well... did anyone give my 'track of the week' a serious listen? - just thought the wording was appropriate for the struggle that we are all facing. Could even be fellow CG's encouraging each other:-

Don't give up - 'cause you have friends. You're not beaten yet. I know you can make it good.

Don't give up - You still have us. We don't need much of anything. Rest your head - you worry too much. It's gonna be alright. When times get rough - you can fall back on us. Please don't give up.

I'm about 10 months since my last bet, although it feels even longer. There have been many ups and downs - from feeling happy, proud and content - to feeling desperate, impatient and dispondant. I have paid about £1800 off my credit cards, but have taken out a further loan. I'm sleeping much better and got myself a bit fitter. I completed a 10k run in April and a half marathon in June. I'm enjoying my job and although money is tight I am confident that things will improve.

Hi Change . Great song and lyrics which capture the imagination .

No doubt about it it's a funny old world . I suspect we all take it a bit too seriously striving for this that and the other . Attaching great importance to anything and everything . Whats the point ! Why don't we just chill out , accept what comes our way with neither sadness or joy but rather just see it as another experience . We came here with nothing and we'll go back with nothing as Monty Python pointed out . Might as well just accept the experiences we're blessed with and enjoy the ride . Come to think of it we might have queued for ages to come on this ride so best we make the most of it .

Thanks for the verse you posted on my diary , I liked that ....stephen

Hi Change .

Just thought I'd pop over and say Hi and thanks for your recent comments on my diary , you support many on her and that's alway's nice to see , especialy as your day count's in such a great place :)).

I love that Gabriel / Bush song and it alway's stirs the emotions a little when I listen to it , when I first arrived here I seemed to latch on to Jess Glyn's " Take me home " and that got me in a similar way , nothing to do with gambling nor what was happening but the word's got me through some dark day's none the less :)).

Anyway , I wish you continued success my friend and will continue reading your interesting posts .

Take care and speak with you soon

Alan :))