Metamorphosis

Hey DF

Yes...Xmas is a funny one ...a big discrepancy usually between how we should feel and how we do feel , plus all the hype.

I did spend a few Xmas' s in OZ which I loved and did not miss home at all. No big build up , just a couple of days off in 90 degree heat and some good tucker!

I think that for people (like us ) who have difficulty managing the highs and lows of life anyway , Xmas can be something that can be potentially destabilising where we throw caution to the wind then re get the morning after feeling on the 2nd Jan...lol ..

My coping strategy with it is cynicism ,not saying thats a good one btw , but it seems to keep me grounded.

My adrenaline is always naturally sky high or anxiety fuelled so I have to seek out lows to balance me and bring me back down.

An additional high like Xmas could have me exploding I think...

Waffling now but hope that' makes sense

R and D xx

Thanks Joan, Sandra and Rach, also remember Christmas as a child in Oz so much simpler in those days.

Just can't lift out of this fug so another wasted day. Supposed to go to neighbours party tonight but just can't raise my acting ability to cope with it which is sad as I enjoy their company.

Not sure what is happening in my head. Work is horrendous and so stressed by it but nothing being resolved, doing extra hours but cant take the toil back so crazy situation. Whole system throughout the country is crashing down round our ears and they will only listen when there are more deaths and then it will be our fault again despite all the warnings.

Hate Christmas, has absolutely no meaning to me as not religious and as my first husband left once on Christmas eve and once on Christmas day has awful memories of the damage to my children. Unsurprisingly they dislike the festival as well but celebrate for their own children. Will be so glad when it is all over but so scared I am constantly wishing my life away. Grandchildren away this year as well which is good for them as other children to play with but will miss them.

Desperate to get a dog but not till I retire.

Feel bad about feeling bad as I know how lucky I am - safe, warm with food and friends and even money saved but desperate to go on a spending spree to shut out the painful thoughts and physical pain so isolating for a couple of days - thankfully I have no interest in online stuff.

As everyone says it will pass but just adds to the guilt I carry and feelings of not fitting in with this joyous happy throng depicted as the masses.

Morbid, grinchey post but for today it is what it is, tomorrow is another day, maybe I will fly my kite.

Stay strong and safe and thanks for being there.

DF

keep putting out the trash, and do what works for you my dear friend.

Again never give up giving up.

You always know where to find me.

Duncs stepping forward never back

Don't have kids but can sure relate to a lot in your last post so I'm just dropping by to give a hug. (((((Dragonfly)))))

P.S. I love dragonflies because they eat those blood-sucking mosquitoes!

Thanks Duncs and Carla

Wow that was a real downer for a few days but crawling back out by my fingernails.

In a week I will have been using this site for a year and have been reading some of my first entries to see if I have made any progress.

Bizarrely at that time I was managing stretches of up to six months but when I lost the plot I lost it in a big way. Nowadays I seem to be in control for less time, usually a couple of months but the damage limitation is working in that I have restricted access to small amounts. To me that is progress, far from perfection but a step nearer. This year I want to improve on that by lengthening the gaps as I am sure it can be done.

My son in law came over to do some work on the boat today, he is such a lovely guy and made me smile telling me that my little grandson has put an air guitar on his Christmas list. When he was told what this meant he named five friends and said he will need to tell them all as they have all put the same on their lists. I wonder which one's dad came up with that idea? Cheapskate or what.

Also found this poem on my first thread which I think sums it all up so repeating again.

I've found a slot machine that doesn't steal,

Hey DF

Also can relate to your post there but can see you are coming slowly back from the fug...

Christmas not a great time for me either . I think when the majority of your good times and memories are from times past it is hard to see a future, even if your memories were built on a belief that wasn't real , it still felt hopeful.

I know that sounds a bit maudlin but I think Xmas is not a good time for a lot of people so don't feel alone with those thoughts ...

I also just want it over with and have decided to work on Boxing Day night..

This one day at a time really is what it's about but it's harder to put into practice...

Stay connected DF...

May be a blessing or a curse but when I feel days like you had , if I can I go to bed as I can't jolly myself out of it some days..I just sleep it off ...

R and D xx ((((((DF))))) xx

Thanks Rach and did just that for a couple of days, hiding my miserable head under the duvet as I had leave from work.

Cant bear religion, went to a convent and have seen the damage created by it throughout the world, but went to see my grandson in his nativity play with an open mind. Brought tears to my eyes these beautiful innocent children singing their hearts out. He was miscast as a beatific angel which is how he looks but I love the devilish element to his character which can only be inherited from his Nana.

Managed to brave the weather to move my bird feeder so I can lie in bed and watch them through the window and daft robin tried to fly in the window so have posted the picture I took of him last year in the snow. It is thought by some that Robins are fairies in disguise and keep guard and protect you but I just love their cheekiness and fat redness as they lift my mood.

There are actually waves today on the river as my houseboat is tossed about in the wind. Reassurance (not)from my sister that if my ropes give and I float down the river the weir will stop me floating out to sea. All my worldly possessions aboard so a bit scary.

Has been a bad week demon wise and have managed to fight back other than a very small blip whilst battling home at ten in the torrential after a meeting and had to stop for petrol. Enough said and with mood lifted feeling much more motivated.

Also had a drink the other night which was a major mistake as I have kidney disease and suffered badly next day but so few naughty pleasures left in life will have to invent some new ones - any ideas folks as done the s*x, drugs and rock and roll in the sixties.

Hate, hate , hate getting old, how can anyone have fun when everyone starts to talk to you like your brain has shrivelled just because your skin has and not knowing if each day will be your last I find a bit scary.

Wind has dropped and boat gently rocking now so sitting on my bed I can see Kenneth and co out of one window arriving for supper and my parakeet family finishing their evening snack out of the other window. Girding my loins for family visit tomorrow, might even get my toilet working but feeling calm and not focusing on the stresses my future might hold.

Wonder when Wonderful Life is showing on tv.

Take care one and all, peace health and happiness to you and a big than you for being there.

Hey DF

You and I should swap lives as I am wishing time away ..

Heard a rumour that they are making a sequel to "its a wonderful life." ...A big mistake as how can you top perfection?

I also have robins ...2 in fact and also a bird that literally pecks my skylight to be fed!

Thank you for thinking of me ,..i think I'm beyond hope and all I can see is a perpetual limbo now until I'm no longer here.

Past f****d and future wiped out ...cannot be with a man with kids small or grown full stop and that's not going to change.

I must have been a right twatola in a past life !

R and D xxx

Ps ..loving your robin avatar btw xxx

Hey DF,

Thank you very much for the hug, much appreciated. I suppose many of us feels a bit down at this time of the year.

Sometimes the best decision is to hide under the duvet...this shall pass too 🙂

You doing well, i send you strength and peace over next few days 🙂

Be back for Xmas to wish you good luck for next year 🙂

Take care xx

((((((((((((((((((((((((( DF )))))))))))))))))))))))))

S x

Thanks for the post and support and I get what you say about end of a relationship and I know I take a risk with temptation every time I am in the bookmakers for sports bets. But I really feel that my relationship with random is a divorce now. In previous times I've tried to give up I've wanted to and needed to but could never live without it.

I'm more confident of getting through to the end of the year now and if I do I don't see any way I'll turn back.

re the house it's not repairs it's replacements and upgrades. I don't have friends who can help so it's really about spending the money sometime on the house instead of putting it towards debts. Tough to decide when to do that.

Appreciate like me and many others you don't find this time of year easy. Best wishes.

Well hey sounds like quite the view from that Window. Seems ike life ain't to bad and yeah It's the little things that make it go round. Keep doing them circles. Lol

Hi D.f... I love reading about the wildlife around and on your house boat. I imagine the scene and it brings a smile to my face. Writing can be a continuing good and wholesome hobby for you.

Anyway happy exams to you and the Kenneth's and the Robin and the Parakeet and all the other assorted wildlife passing by... warm regards... S.A 🙂

Hey DF,

Back to wish you very merry Xmas and wonderful start on New Year..you are deep in my thoughts, and as always ( selfish of me ) the river mk me feel so calm and cosy..thank you and take care..thank you for all your support, every word is much appreciated xx

Have a good festive day !!!

Sandra x

Hi Dragonfly,

Not a lot of words from me today, which is probably a good thing. And another thing... lol. Maybe my mind is resting for a change. Tiny wrapped packages filled with strength, peace, and positivity all sent your way. Waving back. -joanxxxx

Thank you and hope everyone is safe after this nasty weather.

Didn't get to bed at all last night as really scared boat was going to break away from moorings or be ripped apart as she is made of wood. Both sides of fencing down in the garden and rounded off by a two hour AA (not to do with alcohol ) wait after flat tyre from hitting a pothole on way to work which cost me £75 to replace as xmas eve with its inflated prices. Now just had an e mail come through with flood warning. Had to evacuate on xmas eve last year for two weeks when water level in garden went up to five foot.

Hey ho the joys of life ba humbug again.

Actually could have been a lot worse as no one hurt and everyone in the same boat as it were as fences and trees down all around here.

At least it takes my mind off gambling, one of my neighbours sent me a lotto ticket inside a xmas card and just made me smile as no one here has any idea (unless it was ironic) and just wonder how often I take a bottle of wine for others who may have a hidden issue.

So need to batten down the hatches again ready for another blast of this biblical weather on Friday and hope for the best.

Taking the opportunity to wish everyone happy festivities and to offer my heartfelt thanks for all the support on here.

Staff safe but enjoy.