Metamorphosis

Hi DF,

What can I say......what's happening my friend? We are here and always listening, be kind to yourself, stay safe and sound..

((((DF))))

S x

Always here dear soldier

(((((((((((((((( DF )))))))))))))))

Hey DF... hoping you're alright. I do so relate to the weariness that comes through in your posts as well as the physical pain.... but I don't have to deal with the aftermath of a major flood! Just wanted to say that you are still being thought of and I'm sending positive wishes and as much strength as I can muster your way.

Than you Duncs and Sandra.

Sitting here feeling very sad. To make money the moron who owns next door has today allowed someone to put a big ugly barge within inches of the kitchen window on my houseboat completely blocking the light and my view of the river. They moved it there as they thought I would be at work but I came home early. The moorhen nests are destroyed, the willow tree cut back to nothing and the swans will have trouble getting to my windows. Even more sad is I cant overcome my own sadness enough to welcome my new neighbour as my anger is overpowering, not a trait I like to see in myself.

In relation to life and the universe this is ridiculous but today it feels like part of my dream has been shattered for pure greed.

The last two weeks I gave in to the anaesthetic of mindlessly sitting in front of a machine watching as the reels spun round whilst I emptied my head. Many a jackpot came up but I walked away with nothing as always as 'I cannot win because I cannot stop'. I didn't care at the time, just felt empty and sad.

No one knew at the weekend as joined in celebrating a friends birthday and played with my grandchildren, as Rach would say fake it til you make it.

Sometimes it just seems so very difficult to do.

Hi Dragonfly,

"In relation to life and the universe".. I can really relate. I often think that way myself. That in the scheme of things my latest gripes are but petty aggravations and don't really count.. But, they do count because we matter too Dragonfly. I am sorry to hear about that stinking barge. What is p*s s ing me off right at this moment pales in the shadow of your barge but, these things, at least for me, tend to add up and I too find myself from time to time giving in to the urges. Then I am too ashamed to come back on here or too proud to admit that I need to -- blah blah blabbity you know the bit.. I don't have any magic words or solutions but, just wanted you to know that I hear you loud and clear. I am waving and thinking about naughty things to do to that fat cat and his ugly a s s barge. ((((((((Dragonfly))))))))) joanxxx

DF

"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."

Good to hear from you, and thanknyou for your kind words.

As of the f****r next door...hmmm..set that barge on fire or smthing...sorry,, but I do hate greedy t....s esp using someone elses space...

Keep calm girl,, I know u will come out the other end

Take a good care of yourself

S x

Thank you Sandra and Joan for being there just when I needed you as all the others adding thoughts to my diary have been.

Have brought Donald back as my lovely view is no more. Ms Donald is currently absent as sitting on eggs so trying hard to look at the best parts of my life today and what the future will bring, fluffy mini Donalds, Rio with my grandchildren tomorrow, narrowboat folk waving as they pass by on the river. The other day my grandson spotted a heron on the riverbank and also a red kite flying overhead the same day.

Must keep it simple and if I need to zone out once in a while it is not the end of the world as these days I am into damage limitation.

So sad for her to have experienced the loss but I am loving Joan's story of her bad penny, I may explain some time but not now.

Have just cleaned out kitchen cupboards and about to bake with the few things left that were not out of date, just proves how my life has been on hold as so much wasted.

Taking it a minute at a time and so glad I have this place to come to in the good and bad times.

Hi Dragonfly,

I don't want to perseverate about the barge thing because you don't need me adding to it but, honestly. Is that thing going to be parked there for good? I told P about it and this morning when she woke up first thing out of her mouth was: that really p*s ses me off about Dragonfly's houseboat! I googled houseboats on the Thames one day because I was trying to wrap my head around what one of those actually looks like. I have been intrigued by them ever since you came onto the forum and shared your stories about your life on the river. Anyway, as always I appreciate your posts to me. I too am so glad that you have your little floating castle to go to in good times and in bad. I am across the way collecting shells and sea glass and of course waving hello. -joanxxx

Just spoken to my mother on the phone( she knows I have a gambling problem) and mentioned due to the floods my houseboat insurance is now over £800. Her response - you just need to win the lottery - aaaaggggggggg

Ouch! That's mothers for you or at least mine but they tend to mean well. Who are the 'Donalds?' I'm assuming they're birds, waterfowl, by your pic maybe swans but that's by no means a concrete assumption. I love all the life that's attracted to water, well in this country anyway and I suppose vertebrates which would discount Mosquitos, horseflies and midges (although I appreciate their necessity in the food chain). You know, I've never seen a Red Kite. I know since they were reintroduced they've flourished somewhat in various parts of the country but yet to spot one. Herons are abundant here though, especially the one that eats my fish, I don't mind that because there is something ancient and beautiful about a heron which fills me with awe. Cats on the other hand, no time for them, pampered serial killers in my eyes, don't have me off for I'll never stop.

I liked your imagery regarding Epsom Downs. The image I had was the English idyll, perfectly quintiscential until you ruined it by mentioning the bookmakers. I do love all the rustic and rural parts of the country from my earliest memories of Enid Blyton, then Hardy and the poetry of Edward Thomas. It seemed like a different world to me because I grew up on an estate covered in various shades of concrete, I never felt grass until I was 27 and the shock of encountering pollen for the first time nearly killed me, my lips still haven't gone down and my eyes were like split tennis balls for weeks. I'm not knocking my circumstances in comparison or feeling hard done by because I had a great time growing up as most kids do but I do like reading about rural and indeed different settings. I'm aware that I probably paint a fantastical picture in my head, far from the actual truth. I imagine your upbringing to be something between 'Black Beauty' and 'The Railway Children,' when in reality it was nothing like this at all. Still at least there had to be green things.

Sorry for rambling, I went on a bit there, never mind. I hope your future is sorting itself out. Although I am a committed atheist I always remeber one sermon about don't worry because God provides for all the birds and animals so he'll provide for you, or something like that. Darwin would disagree on this of course but if there's a grain of truth then you'll be ok.

Take care

Steve

Good morning DF,

Thank you so much for your kind comments on my diary. I agree wiv what u said, will not go into detail darling but we do speak the same language here.

Just wanted to say, please never feel pressured to post back to me ok, I can get too much wiv my ramblings lol, but I see a huge soul in you, soul which deserves so much more peace quiet in your life. As long as I'm welcome at ur cyber door I will keep coming bk to check on you dear soldier.

Slow and steady, sun will shine brighter my friend,ur simplu worth it.

Take care and b kind t yourself.

S x

Hi Dragonfly... What a bummer having a barge view right next to your kitchen window. Its like someone building a block flats 6 inches away from my kitchen window. I'd hate it. Can you not accidently tow it down stream and sink it? 😉

As for the zoning out to the machines. Well I understand, I done it for years, most days. Sometimes when everything gets a bit much nowadays I just go to bed. Not the most pro-active of approaches but at least its free and the mind and body can rest and recover.

Take care, the rivers are no longer in flood... that must be good news. Warm regards.. S.A

Senility creeps nearer as I type in Donald instead of Kenneth the other day. I used to have a tame duck called Donald, original or what, but my swan that taps on my window was named Kenneth by Rach as she insisted he spoke like Kenneth Williams which I'm sure is true, so Kenneth he has remains along with Ms Kenneth and the numerous Kenneth offspring of which sadly only two survive. Rach I do miss your originality and humour and I do hope life is treating you well these days. Yesterdays big race brought you to mind as I remember your thoughts on it.

Never did end up baking yesterday, I ran out of energy again and took SA's lead and sat in bed reading instead.

Funny how we get such small snapshots of each other on here and join the dots to make the full picture. How wrong we can be, an integral part of my social work training, the full picture is so often very different. I didn't grow up in the green English countryside as after living in Portugal as a baby we lived in Australia for five years travelling the country with my father's work, even lived alongside the aborigine people for a time and in the wilds of Broken Hill and big cities as well. He was a geologist and taught me to love the earth and all it has to offer. He had unusual ideas so having grown up this way in the fifties it was easy to fall into the hippy lifestyle at art school in the sixties after being thrown out of a convent for not conforming. Interesting to look back on this and wonder at what aspects of my life led to my addictions. The old nature v nurture question.

A calm thoughtful day today when I feel that I can resolve to find me again alongside more purpose to my life in everyday simple things and pleasures. I have always fought for rights, whether they be individuals, groups or my own and this inertia is what I struggle with and the need to anaesthetise my brain rather than use it to challenge and make change. Maybe this is old age and if it is you can keep it.

Maybe I should just take extra berocca - me but on a good day.

Hi Dragonfly,

Thank you for posting on my thread, really nice of you and good to see you battling forth !

Nature vs Nurture , oh yeah a debate that could go on and on !!!!!

Keep striving

Keep strong

Lucy x

Sadness surrounds me tonight.

My friends husband who I have known for thirty years died yesterday and then the news this morning that a teenage boy I have worked with on and off for over two years died in a tragic accident last night.

Makes me feel so stupid moaning about insignificant problems in my life and attempting to resolve them by wasting my own life away.

Every minute should be precious.