Metamorphosis

Hi Dragonfly... like wise I echo what others have said. I also suffer with feelings of melancholy but when more cheerful days come along I can then appreciate them even more. Hope your enjoying your duvet day... must admit ive just had a little sleep myself. I do love wallowing in my pit. Take care... S.A 🙂

Hi DF,

Coming by this early morning and hope some sun rays will help to dry that land and wiev you can see through your window. It is hard to read how much destruction those floods costed to you and your memories. The only thing which will never go is that beautiful river full of life, colours and which brings you peace when you most need it.

I thank you for your ongoing support really means a lot. Thought a lot about your words about me "springing back every time s**t being thrown my way". ....true...I do spring back the more I'm being pushed down to the ground..must b a rioter inside me lol.. Do I love and cherish this life that much? I think I've got a belief that things can get better..you can hope lol ..why to make them worse with wrong choices? Mostly I bounce back for that little girl,... because she deserves better in this life than she already has seen....

Never give up giving up. Life is not full of joy and happy faces, but it is life which brings emotions and wakes up that soul to keep carrying on and hold on to that belief.

Sorry, little ramble on your tread, best go get some sleep lol..good for the body and soul 🙂

Day at a time my friend, make every minute worth living because you so deserve good things in your every waking day.

Take care

((((DF)))) xx

So sad that Maya Angelou has died today. She was my inspiration for many years - the caged bird is finally free.

If only I can remember to focus my energy on the important things in life as she did and not waste it away on the insanity that is gambling.

xxx

Just dropping a line to see how things are going for ya. Hope all that rain and flooding are in the past and nothing but beautiful weather coming your way.

Hey DF,

Just dropping another line here. Hope all is good with ya....and wish all the best for ya.

Stay safe girl

S x

Thank you Sandra and just a quick entry as not feeling up to much.

Ended up in A & E after fall last weekend, x rays showed not too much damage to metal knee but hurted a lot.

Managed to get back to work on Thursday for half a day then went down with fluey type chest infection sinusy thing and only just emerging again to the land of the living. One way to avoid gambling but can think of nicer ones.

Dalai Lama

Sensory experience does not offset the intense pain or pleasure we feel on a mental level; it may distract us, but doesn’t overcome it. On the other hand, if we... have peace of mind, even negative experiences do not upset us. Peace of mind is also good for our physical health. Medical experts have found that anger, hatred and fear eat into our immune system. Being calm and relaxed is better for our physical well-being.

Oh for that peace of mind and physical well being, one day maybe.

Hi Dragonfly,

I am glad to hear that you are on the mend. I love those words of the Dalai Lama and am in complete agreement but, can also totally relate to how elusive they are. All weekend I sat in a quivering ball worried about medical test results and having to go back in for more poking and prodding... blah blah f***k ity blah.. Oh, to have that peace of mind! My default setting is still sadly set to run to the nearest casino. I talked myself out of it but, wouldn't it be nice if I could for once just see things for what they are without all of the fear and dread. After all "IT" will always be "SOMETHING" followed by next steps... Oh well. Glad to see you up and about. Take it slow friend. Talk soon. -joanxxx

Can't sleep and started thinking about how meeting ghosts from my past at my son's wedding had opened old wounds. Reflecting about my life

made me realise the amazing experiences I had over the years, the adventures, the travel, the family, the amazing people I met, the discovery and the creativity, so much packed into those years alongside the heartache, the loss and the scares.

My gambling was never about money it was a mindless pursuit to zombify my brain after a period of loss and illness left me emotionally and physically unable to continue my life as I had before. I have had to be creative in getting a life back, retraining at uni, downsizing my house, accepting the need for operations.

I am now living in an idylic setting, have money to meet my needs, a studio on the horizon, beautiful grandchildren (not that I am biased) and a new life to continue to rebuild and enjoy.

Why would I risk for one minute losing any of this and why would I be naive enough to think that the false placebo of gambling could ever

replace the reality of a life I can create amongst friends, family and nature.

Already in my mind I am planning more ways to rebuild my life, a sculpture, a trip abroad, a flood resistant garden and so much more and all in the confines of my disability and my finances and all with the possibility of excitement and meeting even more interesting people.

As with the money I have lost in the past I need to accept that my past life has gone too and cannot be replaced, I have mourned it too long and need to move on as they say.

Maybe, just maybe I am beginning to understand.

The birds are now singing so think I will just give up on the sleep and watch the dawn.

You go for it girl, the world is beautiful just like you. A new dawn has broke. Ghosts are harmless unless we allow them energy with thought. Be creative, that's what you were born to do, that's where you'll regain your esteem, that's where you'll deal with and express yourself.

You've come through a storm. You survived. You're beginning to see things calmly without your mind being thrown about.

Everyone's journey is different Dragonfly but every breakthrough in understanding is surprisingly similar. I see yours with great clarity. The healing and rebirth starts now. I see your sun rerising as I've just watched yet another sun burn its way slowly but purposely over the horizon bringing light and songs of joy from the birds who saw it with me.

You once asked me the secret to giving up gambling, I couldn't answer that, if I could then i probably would have been bumped off by one of the leading bookmakers by now, so is their greed. All the answers lie within us and we have to dig through pain, frustration and defecation before we reach clarity and understanding. I feel you're there, closer than ever before, just let the momentum continue. Be proud of yourself, you're specially unique, a positive person who went through so much. Be creative.

Must be off now.

Laz

DF,

What an amazing post you shared this morning. Yep, past is past, alongside all the s***t you had to deal with, there was always something beautiful and enjoyable to see and feel. Life is a story, many more unwritten pages waiting to be filled in, and I'm sure with you creativity and passion you will fill these pages with most beautiful things to come. You have now and that's all you need. You keep sharing your huge heart and soul - that's beautiful. ..you put you thoughts down so well I always see the parallel of amazing colours and that calm and peaceful feeling which is coming with them.

I thank you for sharing, and willing you on to create so much more amazing memories you can turn back to couple of years later and feel the pride in yourself. Grab your life by it's horns and make the most of it. You have already started 😉

Sorry to hear about the sleepless night, when I'm working I can't help but go into trance early sunny mornings to greet that beautiful sun which brings life to everything around...I think I just stare at it for about 20 min lol...but that's what helps me to see life for what it is. Something we tend to forget in this journey of life - the beauty of the nature and the sounds of kicking life around us.

Take care, and thank you for your ongoing support.

Get some rest girl, sleep is part of the story in that book of yours 🙂

S x

Hey girl, must be something going around with the sleep thing cause yeah sure not getting much of that on this end either. LOL

Yeah chasing them losses just ends up to be more losses, misery, and a cra-ppy feeling that doesn't end soon enough. Sounds like ya got a good thing going on where your at and ain't no machine in the world worth stuffing that into.

Stay strong girl.

Hi Dragonfly,

We will be heading out to have lunch with a good friend in a few hours. Thought I would drop by and say hi. I still seem to grapple with strong urges from time to time but am realizing slowly that if I just don't get started the urges become weaker and less often. P and I are planning a trip to Provincetown the first two weeks in July. It really does help to have a plan for that extra cash! "Lobstah" dinners and sunset cruises here we come!! I hope you have a great weekend planned. Talk soon! -joanxxx

Thank you kind people and much to think about.

Thinking of you Sandra and Soul. A friend keeps sending me little sayings each day on Facebook and yesterday's was 'Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die'. I think this fits with the anger against gambling that bubbles up inside me at times and eats away at my stomach. Calm and focused I can kick this basta rd in the ghoulies, angry I start to become irrational, zone out and get drawn back into the very thing I am trying to avoid.

At work I was given a fortune cookie this week and inside it said ' when thinking of old flames, remember a match once struck can never be rekindled'. After meeting with my ex (after fifteen years gap) at my son's wedding two weeks ago and the impact on my thoughts this was weird but on reflection oh so true.

Still struggling with after effects of flu but feeling much calmer and for the first time in weeks the demons are absent. As Sandra says life is a story and there are many blank pages to fill, how horrendous if each of those pages consisted of - gambled today, regretted it, felt suicidal - the eternal ground hog day. I am already filling those blank pages with the colours of the rainbow as I already have my pot of gold mysteriously shaped, not like money, but in the form of friends, family, nature, adventure and so much more.

Carla wrote in the past about finding good things in our life each day and seriously thinking of this I could fill pages. Watching the news and reading, whilst depressing, helps me understand as did people like Maya, as a woman how fortunate I am to have the independence and the liberty I have in this day and age which includes the freedom to gamble. I can make that choice not to, in fact today I can do pretty much what I want health problems aside, how lucky am I.

I have encountered some really heavy cr** situations in my time (life and death ones) and I don't ever want to play down how hard life can be, but for today my guardian angel /fairy godmother has been doing her job for once and I am looking out the window watching the world go by on the river and feel peace.

LOL Lol Lol dam girl you made me laugh so hard at the end there when you said your guardian angle / godmother fairy was doing her job for a change. LOL Lol Lol yeah i always believed I had/ have one too. Yup I think mine is confused and strinken with alzhiemers over the years and has been watching someone else too. LOL Lol Lol

You have a good day girl.

Oh I'll be around. I'm always down but never out. LOL