Metamorphosis

Hi Dragonfly,

I think we all find it hard to accept that we can't control things. CG's seem to have a strong tendency to need control, especially. I'm raising my hand there, too!

Don't forget to be kind to yourself, and treat yourself with the compassion that you would a friend, whose stomach and head hurt from worry for their kids. I often think I couldn't cope being a parent. I have trouble not taking random strangers troubles onboard as my own, nevermind my own flesh and blood. I'd have a nervous breakdown every few months! Hardest job in the world.

Take care,

f x

Hi Dragonfly,

I can relate to the urge. I don't have kids but, I can relate to the need for control too. Feelings of pain, sorrow, and uneasiness. Guilt for having the feelings because our needs are met and we should be grateful. Blabbity blah. Your super heart underneath the super moon was deserving of some quiet reflection and it's okay to feel overwhelmed by it all, and to cry. ((((DF))))) -joanxxx

Hey girl and Hell don't ever seem to have a good grip on my own life much less my kids. LOL Lol Lol something's we have no control of and Yup my kids is definitely one of them. Guess just as we've learned so will they and life is just a process of taking it as it comes.

Hope all is good with ya and life be treating you good.

Hey girl and just popping in to see how life is treating you. Hope all is well with ya and life is treating ya good.

Thanks peeps and appreciate the thoughts.

My safety triangle collapsed into pieces on friday as my cash card with its very low limit was munched by the cash machine when I was trying to get cash for the weekend (not gambling). A bank error with my address meant the only solution to get a new card was to go into a bank, something I avoid at all costs as have on line banking for that reason. The bank is 100 yards from the casino.

Much later, having at one time been 1800 up I left after breaking even. I didn't lose any money but I lost that precious time, the outcome could have been so different and all because of a chain of events from the cash machine.

I cannot win because I cannot stop and this tiny insane part of me still remains that doesn't care.

Things are moving forward, my boat is gradually getting mended and my studio is due to be built next month. I know the theory, I don't deserve it so I self sabotage. In my subconscious I deserve to be punished for past mistakes and hurt inflicted on others. My self flagellation doesn't change my past. Proving I can beat this sodding addiction will improve the future.

So sorry Duncs and others on here who offer so much help and support, until my triangle is resurrected I will hide from temptation as the ugly b*****d devil is still sitting on my shoulder nattering in my ear at any opportunity, I just know that a few months ago the outcome would have been a zillion times worse, an empty bank account, no studio and weeping wreck. Today I am just getting out the old superglue to have another go at that triangle.

Stay safe everyone.

DF

My dear friend there is no need to apologize as I have written many times I understand,I walked in those shoes for many years,the truth is I did not document it,unlike you I did not learn from my experience,I did gamble up until the point where there really was nothing financially left to gamble with and my soul was dead as a cost.

You are standing up to fight

As my Dusty friend used to write

Never give up giving up

Duncs stepping forward never back

Hi DF

Well done on picking yourself up and carrying on

Stay strong and positive

Suzanne x

Thank you

http://youtu.be/WEhS9Y9HYjU

'never ending or beginning

When all the trees have been cut down, when all the animals have been hunted, when all the waters are polluted, when all the air is unsafe to breathe, only then will you discover you cannot eat money.

Cree Prophecy

There was a crooked (wo)man and (s)he walked a crooked mile.

(S)he found a crooked sixpence upon a crooked stile.

(S)he bought a crooked cat, which caught a crooked mouse,

and they all lived together in a little crooked house.

Walking that crooked mile minus cat - allergies.

Hey girl,

Wow...sitting here in internet cafe lol and catching up with my friends.First may you accept my (((((((((((DF))))))))))))))..I know how you feel, relapses are S***e (sorry for swearing) but as always we have to keep moving..Another morning will come, sun will rise, daylight will wake every living soul...life goes on and we only need to make those right choices as we join the race of living. I am away now and as i just told our friend soul, i do get urges. Casinos are everywhere and i can kick myself sometimes for thinking about it on my holidays, but i already accepted myself for who i am. I very harshly told my sis yesterday - i am an addict for life. I think now she gets the idea. I never thought i will hear the words :"Only you can do it, no matter what i tell you". So so true words....we can do it girl, me and you and all of us on here can do it...tripping , falling...f**k it, it's not the case, as long as we stand back up, look ahead, unite and beat the guts out of this...yuk!!! no words can describe this beast..

Here with you girl, fighting away...every day

take care and stay safe

S x

Hey Sandra, knitting the chain mail for the fighting suit as I write, multitasking of course.

The weeks whizzing by and full of friends and family and life and the hazards at work but still the subliminal messages seep into my brain.

Planning a trip to the diy shop today as a chill out day and original plans have been cancelled at the last minute. After an exhausting week I realise there is an ulterior motive in that I have cash from when my card was munched and the eternal fukital feud rages inside my head.

Random feeling of loneliness may be the trigger which is ridiculous as spent most of the morning answering the phone to friends and have only to walk or drive short distances to be with welcoming people. This is my past bleeding into my present and is not welcome.

My hardest task is to be in the now and to just be, nothing more nothing less.

Hi Dragonfly,

I totally relate to that fukital feud rage party that seems to go on and on and on... don't those monkeys ever get tired?? But, we are getting better at figuring out where the weaknesses are and realizing that there may be chinks in the old armor and are doing something about it. I know it's not easy to stay focused, calm, and in the moment. All we can do is try, try, try... ((((DF)))) -joanxxxx

Hi df,

It so easy for some people to just be... A knack I never quiet managed until recently.... Practice makes perfect well actually scrap that no such thing as perfection...... Just keep plugging away one foot in front of the other and each day you learn something new about you and addiction.

It's a process.... It's recovery.... You become wiser and stronger and plug those chinks in the armour each time...

Best wishes and continued strength to you .

Take care

Blondie xx

Thank you Judy and Blondie. Sometimes I think those sodding little monkeys are breeding inside my head the number of voices that chitter chatter away at times but you have shown Blondie, by example, it is possible to exterminate the little b******s or at least anesthetize them for a while.

Totally physically and emotionally drained at the moment but will not use as an excuse to zone out wasting money however tempting that thought might be.

I have three weeks off work, bliss, but will take time to empty my head of all the stress that builds up over the weeks and months in my job and never completely happens as I worry that others will not have the same views as me when they make decisions regarding my wayward teenagers and I will return to sadness and chaos.

I struggle to write on here these days only managing once a week and adding very little support to others as I feel I have nothing to offer at the moment.

When I read SA's diary, my nana side emerges and I want to hug him and take care of him and make everything better but how do I tell him that without it sounding patronising. I want to tell him to mismatch his colourful socks so that the children will laugh just as I used to do, as laughter is one of the best ways to engage with his young people and will give him joy as well.

I want to tell Joan that her letters to Ed make me smile and weep at the same time and how much I would love to sit with her and plan childish naughtiness to replace the zone out times and compare our sea glass collections and talk to P about how we do this work and have all the theory but still get drawn in by the mind trickery.

I would like to see Duncs tattoos (boy that sounds creepy) but I am 64 and would love to have a dragonfly on my ankle and put a face to the guy who has helped so many and waits at the end of the phone when I can no longer cope and feel alone in a world full of family and friends.

I would like to tell Sandra that I am the same age as her father, many operations too, but like me his children will be the most important thing in his life I am sure and will offer love unconditionally as I do to mine.

I would like to tell Soul that I love the way she describes her life with all the s**t spiralled in with the food and life events and jokes and how I wish her so much happiness to come into her life.

I would like to ask Rach if she went to see Kate Bush this week or did she decide to leave the memory in place of past times when she looked and sounded a certain magic way. Rach I so hope life is being kind to you.

So these are just a few of the things I cannot post on diaries, there are many more, people who have entered my life either here and now, in passing or in the past.

I feel like my dragonfly wings are stuck together and I need to settle on the willow tree by my boat to dry them and the calm that will bring will re-nergise me and offer a more balanced future.

Just because life is a b**** at times doesn't mean I have to become one.

The river is beautiful today, the wind is in the willows, my boat is rocking gently and my swans are calling me for food. Why would I risk losing one small speck of all this.