Metamorphosis

Grab a plate and throw it on the ground

-ok done

Did it break?

-yes

Now say sorry to it

-sorry

Did it go back to the way it was before

- no

Now do you understand

This was used to explain to me how hard it is for those that don't gamble to understand when I stumble and fall.

Gutted. Spoke with my mother yesterday who is in her 80's and doesn't know I messed up last week. She told me she has sent me a large amount of money as I am off work next week to spend on a holiday. If I felt bad before!!!. I didn't tell her but will not be taking a holiday.

Feeling calmer today and having a lazy day watching all the 3,000 charity walkers on the Thames Challenge walk, they can do 25, 50 or a 100 miles but most look exhausted even by the time they get to me and will go on walking all night. Amazing as some are really hobbling along but supported by others, reminds me of this site and restores faith in human nature a bit as so many caring folks but highlights the waste of my own money which could have been put to so much better use rather than P***** away in a machine. If I get myself organised next year I will stand on that riverbank and hand out drinks - a better use of my money.

The geese are flying and the autumn colours return, the cycle of life and I am still a part of it all.

Thanks for lighting in on me dear Dragonfly. Your words about your river, and rolling with the ever changing tides, was just the kind of medicine I needed this morning. Enjoy your lazy day pal. P and I love to sit and watch people! -joanxxxxx

Hey DF,

I get a lovely sense of more colourful and peaceful view of that amazing river you get to see daily. Now that is worth sooo much - ..no money could buy it.

Together we stand,even if we get to trip sometimes. .it is ok, there is helping hand which always at the ready to carry that injured soldier away from the danger...even if we have to hop along we will do just that cause no way in this life we will give up! Never!

Hope your Sunday brings you all lovely and calm feelings. Stay kind to you 🙂

S x

Thank you Joan and Sandra and although I know and understand how lucky I am it has been a difficult week.

Off work on leave and have met up with friends and family over yesterday but have been seriously struggling with my health and the pain and lack of energy this entails. More hospital appointments due but feel like I am being buried alive by my body.

The guy due to build my studio this week has not turned up and as I have already waited two years as most builders won't entertain it due to the location so this has made me feel low as I was excited about it.

None of this is dire but does make life feel like an uphill battle at times as I now have 390 e mails on my work phone and major stress again awaiting me at work next week.

Did go to see the film 'Pride' this week and do recommend it. I used to work within HIV but that aside the film is based on fact during the miners strike and shows the power that one person can unleash if they are passionate and determined with insight and have a goal in life however unrealistic it may sound to others.

I was involved in the student marches and ban the bomb in the 60's and well remember the comradeship between others with the same ideals.

Methinks maybe we should get the old sheets and paintpots out and get Duncs to head our merry band over Westminster bridge once more in a fight against the current gambling legislation - certainly seeing enough young people joining this site to want to prevent their young lives being damaged beyond repair, just wish I had more energy myself but then maybe the pen/computer is mightier than the sword in current times. Guess I have always had that compulsive side to my character but need to channel it into the right areas in life.

PS. just found this when perusing the internet and think Joan/P and Sandra will like it too.

YELLOW BUTTERFLIES

I want to walk around naked

And eat chocolate pudding with my fingers,

I want to chase yellow butterflies

And catch moonbeams in a jar,

I want to be free to say what I want,

And not care if it sounds silly....

I want to cry when I must and

Laugh when I mustn't...

I want to dance to my own sounds

But still hear the music of others.

I want to be happy with nothing...

And have nothing but happiness

Thanks good friend Dragonfly. That was just perfect! I am sorry to hear about your pain. If I could and it had one, I would give it a swift kick in it's a** for you! ((((((((Dragonfly))))))))) -joanxxx

Hey girl,

Ya know i read your little poem just before i have started my shift Sunday evening, and o*g didn't it raised a smile!!! It really kept me going and still is now 🙂 thanx for sharing.

Now onto more important stuff - health always comes first and without physical pain life is so much better to navigate. Please keep looking after you and always remember who you have to put first - yourself and only yourself. Sending you the biggest hug to wish you well on your week ahead.

Take care

Sandra x

This entry is for me alone but wouldn't be happening if not for the support of my friends at the end of their phones and for that I thank them both dearly.

What makes anyone rape a beautiful fifteen year old girl and watch while their friend repeats the act? My work surely introduces me daily to some of life's most evil characters and the damage they inflict.

Add that to a visit to my doc with a nasty outcome and fukital kicks in well and good. An emotional and physical kick in the b*****ks.

She will survive and recover as much as is humanly possible after an experience like that with all the support I can offer. I will replace the money, recoup my sanity, squash those cloned demons screaming by the zillions in my head that I can chase and regain what I lost and much, much more and once again begin the physical battle within my failing body.

Thinking today about my bucket list has shown me how lucky I have been throughout my life - there is so little left to wish for that I haven't done already and have friends, family and a beautiful home.

How bad does that make me feel that I almost risked it all by regressing straight back to my default setting.

Children laughing and shouting walking along the opposite bank all dressed in pink with banners and carrying pink balloons, the cancer walk for life - maybe a sign.

Three really old canoes paddled by three really elderly gentlemen, one with a huge handlebar mustache, way too near my boat trying to peer inside at me, would love to offer them a cup of tea and have a chat, maybe I should buy a megaphone and offer cups of coffee and tea to passing sailors, bet there would be some interesting stories to hear.

The baby Kenneths are now teenagers and their grey down is almost completely white, they will be off soon to make lives of their own, sad that I never see them again but good there are two survivors this year, the only ones they found during swan upping.

It is a very troubled world but I think today I will make the choice to stay calm here in my safe haven.

Who knows - might even eat some chocolate pudding with my fingers later but have no curtains so will give the next line a miss for now.

Nothing more cathartic than having a good cry listening the the new Leonard Cohen album.

'I let my heart get frozen to keep away the rot' -

from Popular Problems - Almost like the blues.

So true.

Working hard at not chasing losses and staying safe on by boat licking my wounds and re energising for the battle ahead.

Hey girl,

Hope that river is peaceful and you are having calm time this weekend. Never on your own, as always i am here unconditionally.

Together we stand tall girl, never forget that

(((((DF))))) xx

What's more likely, winning the lottery or being killed by your trousers.

Turned on my computer and saw this article - loving it and it will become my mantra.

Have had a week from hell in more ways than one, actually in many different ways, but out of the debris guardian angels have flitted by and dragged me from the chaos, pain and confusion and I thank them from the bottom of my heart.

One was a completely random stranger who walked up and asked why I was wasting my life away when I have so much and I don't even know his name, others I have come to know and care for through this giving place and others I have known for years and who understand and know me better than I know myself.

How lucky am I

http://youtu.be/LLE4w0uA8nY

Thank you Sandra - so true of us all.

Hey girl,

Thank you for being here for me, means a lot. Just glad you are safe and calm on your boat.

Work in progress in every aspect of our lives.

Stay safe and squeeze that smile of yours, sometimes that's all we need to do to make ourselves feel better.

Here with you all the way girl

Sandra x

Little steps Sandra but in stonking great boots squishing those b*****d demons as we go.

Today I am mostly being idle and wandering round the internet finding things I like. Some things are meant to be. I found a glass painting and phoned the artist and amazingly one of her beautiful pictures has the same name as my boat and her background is similar to mine. I do believe in fate.

Very beautiful here today with the autumn colours and the wind with the geese flying overhead, I remember being really moved by the Snow Goose, Paul Gallico's story as a child and used to watch the sky when the honking darts of birds flew overhead and now they feed from my kitchen windowsill.

My studio is being built at last and I am excited, so lovely to experience this feeling about something other than feeding a machine. Designing and planning as we go it is evolving each day. My new path appeared this week despite the rain with jewels and even a lego man hidden in cement for my grandchildren to search for.

All is quiet now here on the river and after a horrendous few days with my health and at work my mind is unfurling and accepting I deserve peace and tranquility in my life as does everyone.

He who hears the rippling of rivers in these degenerate days will not utterly despair.

(Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862).

Decided it was time for 'Kenneth' to make another appearance in the hope that he can drag me out from the doldrums of past couple of weeks. The demons took over my mind, my body and my life and I sat back and let them as quite frankly didn't really care.

Have come to my senses at last, thank you Sandra for sticking by my side or who knows where I would have ended.

No excuses, others deal with the s**t life throws at them as I have done many times in the past but just out of reserves of strength this time emotionally and physically.

Now I have managed to peep over the parapet once more I can ease back into recovery, I have been lying in the gutter gazing at the stars but want to return to life once more.

A scary week this week health wise and will be glad when it is over but determined not to wish my life away however short it may be. Ofsted pressures at work, my son recovering from major back surgery and much more balanced by the studio evolving and emerging in my garden which will shelter me should the floods arrive this winter, friends who care about and for me and nature all around me. Four different people told me they love me this week.

Last weekend it was confirmed yet again by others that my views are different from the majority and I also realised again that I cherish that difference and my identity as it is what has given me strength of character over the years and in fact as I age I have no doubt this will become even more apparant as others have less impact on my lifestyle.

The monkey is in my head tonight hammering away that I have savings to chase my losses. f**k off monkey brain that money is buying me a beautiful painted window for my garden 'shed' as my mother calls it.

Just read a book called 'The little old lady who broke all the rules' and already planning my first art theft with Joan and P in mind, Sandra as lookout and Duncs as getaway driver with art advice from Rach - the not quite so old lady who broke all the rules with lots of help from her mates.

I want naughtiness, fun, excitement and many more things in my life and gambling will not be one of them.

Well its ok for a start, speak to others next time maybe if the words come to me as do wish strength and happiness to others.

Df

My dear friend only you could pick the one to drive who actually can't drive lol!!!

Glad to see the doors revolve and your on the right side of the glass.

As always your never far from my thoughts.

Look after yourself.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back