Metamorphosis

Thanks Sandra, have accepted never going to be perfection but will aim for as near as.

Had horrendous half hour this afternoon in car heading for a meeting. Stressful three days at work and scared of making that one mistake that hits the headlines as we are all so stretched (there goes the elastic analogy again).

Trying to arrange all the work on my houseboat is proving difficult to say the least and more family 'stuff' happening.

My mind (demons) telling me a zone out required and body followed suit by craving the physical release of 'relaxing' in front of a machine. Craving escalated till I felt sick and ached all over. Managed to get to meeting without phoning with made up excuse as I have done in the past and focused on what was a complex case finding resolution to some of the problems.

Spell broken and managed to drive home and collapse with relief.

How can this b*****d addiction remain so strong at times when I am most vulnerable, such a close call tonight and just when I need the money for building work.

f**k off demons, shut up demons, please leave me alone.

Storms forecast for the weekend so need to clear the decks tomorrow, shame I haven't any hatches to baton down as last storm thought I was going to end up at sea (or would if there wasn't a weir downstream) but at least I got home in one piece tonight.

Strength to one and all

craving:an intense, urgent, or abnormal desire or longing

http://youtu.be/ffFBdWBp0NE

Something worth fighting for!!!!!!!!

Ah, you did fight those demons off, though, so good for you. Thanks for your post to me. Really liked the song. Hope you find some peace today. Keep fighting.

Thanks Carla and so feels like a fight that I am exhausted by it.

Catch 22 comes to mind today.

Have saved enough to build my studio in the garden in the new year but terrified that one binge will destroy that dream.

I have to keep bitter dreadful memories of losses right at the forefront of my mind to remind me of the risk however I so want to forget the f*****g addiction even exists.

Brain transplant the only option - any offers.

xxx

My dear friend Dragonfly.

What a great position to be in, to be able to forefill something amazing in your life, and at the cost of this.

To not give into those urges and remain gamble free.

The outcome, the studio and all it will gift you.

Me I will proudly stand in your corner, spit bucket in hand lol, towel at the ready, oh and a piece of advice fight dirty!! no queensbury rules here!!!

With strength and honour.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

LOL well brain transplant for me means having that impossible task of find the old one. Minutest amount of brain matter in this skull. LOL

Hope ya have a great weekend. Could use some help in my yard if ya got a few minutes. Lol

Hai DF

Would be happy to offer up this brain for transplant! Would be sods law hai, a brain transplant from a fellow cg.

Anyway thanks for continued support. You face this full on despite the heaviness of your work and life in general.

Take care

Thanks for the post and I understand where you are coming from. Unfortunately my life analysis over a number of years has concluded that I have a very narrow interest of subjects and my age and circumstances severely restrict and in many cases completely eliminate opportunities I can consider.

Some of this may be down to luck, other parts down to bad life choices. So I must live in the hope that something will change outwith my control which will make a difference to my life.

I appreciate for many others, when they remove gambling problems, their lives improve. For me gambling was a way of escaping from my world and also could have allowed me to have a harmless very enjoyable hobby if I could have controlled but I couldnt. So gambling was never the problem and removal of my gambling problem areas means that nothing else changes so far.

Best wishes

Hey Dragonfly.......(((D)))

Thank you so much for your support...it is so strange to get comfort from even one word on this site..I think it's magic..and we do keep each over going...You helped me today so much...thank you....

Take it easy yourself...and be kind to yourself

Day at a time

All the best

Sandra x

Hi Df

I'm so proud of your progress. You're doing great 🙂

Keep the dream alive....keep focussed on the studio.

I'm happy that things are going well.

Take care my friend

Irene

x

Just popping by to wish ya a good weekend. Hope all is well with ya.

And I'm just popping by to see how your weekend was? AND hope all is well with ya!

Thanks everyone and will get back to you at the weekend.

Felt as though in a parallel universe on sunday and couldn't connect with anything or anyone so a real danger point. Managed to go out and get my headlight fixed but verging on panic attack so raced home to safety.

Have come down to earth with a real clang. Whenever I needed money to waste in the past I just re mortgaged my house (4 times over the years) as I had equity and I ended up when I sold it with a bigger mortgage to pay off than when we bought the house many years ago.

I have electricians working today and for one day the payment is what I now earn in a month and would have easily spent in a few hours in a casino. Jeez what a reality check. I have had to cut down to working half a week and after tax leaves a pittance, and for such a stressful job too.

Life is a f*****g b**** at times but as a colleague said yesterday 'lucky you, you have a job and a home and family'. Couldn't argue really but at least she didn't say I had my health or I would have been up for an argument.

Reading Captain's post I was in his position many times in the past after huge binges and sold my house to my daughter in a dilapidated state which was a shame as it had been a beautiful country home. Maybe I should have sold up earlier but I would have no doubt wasted the cash and wanted them to have the opportunity to buy it for the grandchildren.

It is easy to be wise in retrospect and often I put off making decisions in case they are wrong or as Rach says for fear of being ripped off or cheated both financially and emotionally but some of my best experiences are after taking leaps of faith.

Off to make coffee for electricians, maybe if I give them extra biscuits they will do a good job.

Stay strong and safe everyone, back at the weekend.

Just read this on Ands diary, an entry by Sabine in 2009 and still for me rings true today:

Just for today I WILL be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that: “most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.” (No one controls my happiness today. Happiness is for me being content within myself in who and what I am today and how I conduct my life)

Just for today I WILL have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this time, I WILL try to get a better perspective of my life. (Time to reflect and get clarity and focus on the healthiest path and actions I need and want in my life each day)

Hi there. Keep focused on what you want to do and what you need to do. Great to have you on the thread I hope that'll be another tool to keep you focused. Look forward to it starting. First check in tomorrow. And before we know it will be in the new year celebrating completing the journey. Take care. See ya at check in.

Hey DF

Reading and cheering you on here as you may not think it some days but you are in such a strong place compared to this time last year...

Don't you find that we navigate the storms a lot better now.? .yes..we still get emotional but we all deal with stuff as and when it comes up and then plough through and out do the other sides not taking to beds under the covers...

Your metamorphasis has been amazing and also you,are dang right about folks not being able to control how we feel.

Intellectually I know this but inside I end up giving power to some outside force that can rock my day..sometimes invisible force like a memory not even a person in 3d ..

keep at it Hun...it's a new way of thinking and a new life for all of us and the good news is no matter what we keep coming back ...

R and D xx

Hi Dragon Fly,

Loved that Lincoln quote!! So true! (((DF))) -joanxxxx