Mortgaging my future.

Hi James and awesome achievment to get to 154 days!! I don't live in the UK myself but I know how the gambling ads are everywhere in there... But try to take those as reminder of why you are gamble free and why you want to stay that way!!

Day 161

Thanks for the encouragement.

Ive been back in the land of gambling (the UK!). I don't know if its because the UK is a particular haven for gambling or because I am back 'home' but I am much more aware of gambling again. I guess being away allowed me to move on whereas coming back to the UK feels like coming back to the scene of a crime (i.e my horrendous and disastrous gambling binges).

Things are tight for me financially because of my forthcoming wedding and renting a new large house. But the key thing is I am coping and things will only get better. Not gambling has allowed this to happen. I would only face doom if i gambled more.. I would face a life where nothing ever got better.

Bought a new car a few days ago having sold my beloved sports car when I left the UK. ( gambling ensured I didnt have the money to justify keeping it). Its a modest vehicle but I bought it outright which is a nice feeling. Buying things on credit was a very gambling era thing to do!

James

Day 169

Have pretty much adjusted to life back in the UK, although will have to go back to work soon. As much as I hate working it will be good to get back into a routine.

An expensive christmas and buying a used car outright has left me quite short of cash ( I am pleased to say that it has nothing to do with gambling - its good to be broke but with things to show for it!)

All the ingredients are there for a relapse if ever there is to be one - short of money, lots of bills to pay in the future (wedding, paying off debts etc) lots of free time, stuck in rubbish city - fiance is back at work.

I wont relapse though. Gambling has only a limited attraction and the consequences will always outweigh the attractions.

I will be moving in to a new house in a few weeks. That will help as I slowly move towards a stable family life. It is so tricky though with my job - moving around alot and travelling alot, alot of time away from home. Definitely a contributing factor in my past.

James

Day 177

Back at work properly tomorrow. Ive had 3 weeks off which in the past would have been a time in which I would have been considerably more likely to gamble.

I remember shortly after I decided that I had to pursue total abstinence that I was desperate to have money back in my account so that I could properly test my resolve. It is so easy to think you will never gamble again when you have literally no money and have just had a recent experience that puts things into context.

It feels good to have all the opportunity to gamble and to still not want to.

James

Hey there James, just been reading you diary! 177 days what am achievement. May it continue!!!!

Your diary struck a chord with me. I feel exactly the same. I have wasted a similar amount gambling and should have a nice car and house to show for myself. Instead I am cash strapped and paying off debts.

I feel like I hit rock bottom three weeks ago, I have had enough, I have never wanted to stop gambling like I do now and feel that I can give it a real good shot.

I will be keeping an eye on your diary and look forward to seeing you progress past 200 days!

Day 180

This is pretty much 6 months in. It should be a big milestone, it was certainly a headmark for me in the early days. 6 months is how far back alot of credit checks really probe for signs of irregular activity and debt stress.

Achieving a strong credit score is a big goal for me now, I feel I am a bit like soviet Russia in the early days of Stalin, my financial muscle is severely limited (due to past gambling) but is growing... and will continue to do so. My financial situation is like a sleeping bear! Proper financial recovery is some way off still for me - certainly after the wedding when I can stop pumping money into the wedding fund!

James

Day 191

No major updates to make.

Still rolling on strongly.

James

Day 195

Read a few diaries today and was struck by the fact that some people manage to steer clear from gambling for a year or more and then have a catastrophic relapse.

Its a sobering thought that 6 months clear is no guarantee. I read a statistic about how many people actually manage to maintain total abstinence and the success rate wasnt amazing to say the least ( a testament to how hard this is and how serious you have to be about it ).

I wonder how long someone has to abstain for, for it to be classified as a success. 5 years?

Jim

Day 199

I reaped a big benefit of my abstinence today. Took out a low interest loan with my bank to ease the worry of paying for everything in time for the wedding. I also moved into a new house at the weekend which as you might guess involves a hefty outplay of cash.

There is no way my bank would have done that if I was gambling because my finances wouldnt have supported it. Ive been too scared to examine my credit score but the fact I got accepted at low rate this soon after payday loan lunacy (just about 6 months ago now) is really heartening.

I feel so much better now my bank is treating me like a normal person again (or rather my it is my banks automatic reaction to my credit score/debt stress).

Anyway its another big step in rebuilding my life. No more borrowing at 20-30% let alone borrowing at 2000-3000%!

Day 207*

My brother paid back £1000 of the loan I made him way back in 2010. It is deeply ironic that had he been quicker paying me back I would have almost certainly have gambled it all away.

Its very good to be gamble free.

The road to recovery continues.

James

Day 218

Had a wedding engagement shoot today, didn't even know such a thing existed until a few weeks ago. Was a fun day, with absolutely beautiful weather (although I am told an overcast day is best for photos)

James

Day 242.

I dont have much to update at the moment. I have read a few peoples diaries today to remind myself of how things are.

I cant believe how true it is that the 6 month point is the most dangerous. It really feels like years ago that I had my final meltdown.

Its so easy to forget.

James

Day 1.

As you can see my abstinence didnt last.

I knew 6 months would be a test and it is just so true... in 6 months all memory of what you have put yourself through, and the damage you have done has receded into almost nothing.

You are still aware of what gambling has done, but it is just so long since your last bet that it just doesnt seem dangerous anymore.

I would descibe this period as a semi-controlled bout of gambling that was starting to show signs of spiralling after about 4 weeks. I didnt post on here about it because I felt I was letting people down and that it would make other lose hope.

I will talk more about what has happened in coming posts. Of course I will need to come here regularly again now, in order to get back onto the path of total abstinence.

I havent lost any money or done myself any damage this time, though I was starting to come close.

Sorry folks, I will do better

James

Day 3

Temptation is still lingering.

I havent had a massive loss so there is not that feeling of disgust with myself anymore.

It is really hard to focus on the fact that a small bet is as dangerous as a large bet.

This is going to be hard work.

James

Hi James.... sorry to hear of your recent slip but glad you are determined to keep fighting. Yes, it's hard so you must never become complacent but at the same time, it's not helpful to "beat yourself up'. I just know that you will get back on track. Best to you!