Mortgaging my future.

Day 1

Inevitably had my first bad loss having slipped off the wagon.

I knew total abstinence would be the key and I let things slip.

Unlike previous times, I stopped before chasing my losses to destruction so I havent put myself in any financial danger. I have plenty of money to survive with.

Its very disappointing though. I definitely did lose control.

Here is to the second time around. No gambling at all now.

James

Thanks for the encouragement Carla.

I knew it would be unlikely that I would be in the

Day 1.

Its been a long time since I have been on here.

Things have been comparitively alot better than they used to be, I have gone for long periods of non-gambling or controlled gambling.

I managed to have enough money to pay for an amazing wedding and to slowly pay off debts. Was paying off my large but manageble debts at a really fast rate. However a massive holiday of a lifetime (delayed honeymoon) massively put the debt repayment on hold, and I think the sheer cost of it maybe has led me in some respects to try and 'speed things up' with some gambling. In the last month things have been starting to slide and I have probably used up my last 2 pay checks on gambling, which is a sign things are heading to the bad old days.

Had a huge prolonged winning streak and was about £3k up. I just kept almost losing it and then making more and more, and i said to myself that i needed to do something drastic to keep these winnings because i had been here before and losing them was going to be absolutely inevitable. I was going to withdraw it all to my bank account from my skrill account to move it into safer 'waters' as the first step of a program to stop risking 'my pot' , but baulked at this because I didnt want to pay a £2 withdrawal fee - how stupid that seems now. Regardless of this, I think my win streak had been so amazing that I would have just ended up losing all that money regardless, and now, having been 'under control' for a year, i now feel at the stage where I am vunerable to really start chasing those losses.

I really want to stop gambling forever. Even before i lost all that money I was saying to myself 'james, just stop. Dont gamble anything anymore. Let this be the end of gambling forever'. But it just takes a second of imulsiveness, and that reasonable voice just dies away. Its really tragic and just embarrassing, I consider myself an intelligent person, but this behavoir is just pathetic and unless I take drastic steps there is very little I can do to stop it.

I am not going to ruin my wifes life by destroying her confidence in everything by involving her in this. I have never used anyone elses money for gambling, nor would I, my level of self-destructiveness has and never will go down that path. However I am going to ruin her life indirectly if i keep gambling away my salary. I should have a house by now...

This is Day 1. I am going to use this site as my consience to get over this and put the strong urges to chase losses to bed.

I still dont understand what category of gamber I fit in. I definitely fit into the 'problem gambler' category, but I dont get the withdrawal symptoms or mood swings that some people report. I just gamble 'because its there'. And then once im locked in I chase losses.

Day 1

Thanks for reading

Ive just been rereading a little bit of what I posted previously. Its been a long time since I was last on here and its a bit scary to think that in all that time, I still havent paid of all my debts. I certainly should have.

The last 2 years havent been anything like as bad as the dark times that initially led me to this site, but the pure truth is that I have clearly lost a significant amount of money in that time. That in itself is just noot good enougth, and the fact that I have now entered back into a phase of significantly chasing losses means that it is time for serious action. I must somehow get myself back into the mindset of total abstinence. I am a loss chaser. Things get really bad when I win big. And eventually I always win big, so I will never be 'safe'. Ill either leak money slowly or have a big win and then leak money quickly. Neither of those are recipes for a good life!

i'm clear of this addiction for 56 days now. like you, i have tried before and thought i was "fixed" but the reality is that we can't ever gamble again, we can't gabmble, we have something in our heads that we can't stop, we want more, we constantly chase losses. get back on the road to recovery like you have done before, i've read some of your diary and you was in a good place. get back to that place and stay in it. i've had spells like yourself and i totally understand it.

good luck pal and keep focused your life with your wife and you'll have things you want

Day 2

Zero urge to gamble.

I think my previous experience with joining this site 2 years ago has helped me to just mentally write off what I have lost this week. From £2k down a few weeks ago I was £3k up and now I am down to probably about £4k down.

These are just meaningless numbers now, its history and I need to forget it. Compared to how much I lost last time when I was chasing for months and months and months this is just small fry.

I can recover from this quickly. I still have money in the bank and i stopped before I lost it all. It took the loss of £5k all in one day to finally shock me back into once again persuing abstinence.

I read on someone elses diary that they just divide the loss by 52 weeks, so if ive lost 4k then thats £75 per week. That doesnt sound so bad. or £7.5 per week for the next decade if that is the last gamble i ever make. I like seeing it that way. If I keep on gambling that £4k will become £40k eventually. Quitting is the only logical step.

Ive just applied for some online counseling to help me kick this long term. I think im in a good place all things considered, i have stopped before I started to throw the kitchen sink into the habit, but at the same time had the shock that has reminded me just how serious this can be.

Reading your early posts really struck a cord with me...uni debt on credit cards then escalated over time and I thought I could "win" to repay off those debts. To cut a long story short what started as £3k escalated to gambling debts of £30k plus! Sports betting was always my problem, couldn't watch a game without without the buzz of having a significant bet. I've worked hard to my debt down to £5k but last month I re-opened an account and credit card and away I went again!! It all started as the rugby World Cup appeared on the TV and this was in conjunction with an unexpected expense of £1k which meant I couldn't repay my debt before my new son was born and this was my target. So it started again!!! I lost £1.5k yesterday alone. I want to kick my habit and it is a great support reading people going through the same thing. Good luck

Hi Stark,

Do you know what the most ridiculous and hideous thing about this addiction is, it brainwashes us into thinking its about the money and it's not about the money at all (else we would not lose our money so recklessly and therefore jeapodise our lives)

This addiction lies deep and is very dangerous, it wants to destruct us, it wants to bleed us dry,,and then want more, it lies to us about the money side of it, getting us to gamble, lose, win, lose, win, lose. win, lose lose and then chase chase and chase, and even then it's not about the money, (money can be replaced) we can't, and neither can our fsmilies.

I wish you the very best on your journey and the good news is if you commit 100% to recovery it is possible I am now nearly 18 months gamble free,

Time to take care of you now,

Suzanne xx

Thanks for the messages guys. Its really nice to be back in this community and hear from normal intelligent people who just so happen to be susceptible to this mental vunerability.

Hi there
Skimmed through your diary. You did well to stop but I always got the sense a slips was coming. You seem very focused on this as a money issue. In fact (Imho) the money is damage, caused by addiction-addiction is a symptom of emotional pain and disconnection from life.
Maybe time to look at why you're addicted
Best wishes
Louis

Hi Cardhue,

Thanks for your post. It is a very thought provoking one, and indeed I have been looking at why I do this and I still don't have the answer. I don't relentlessly gamble in the same way that some do on here. (But I do have crazy bouts of loss chasing). I am not trying to claim I am any less of a problem gambler, but I don't think it is quite so easy to identify emotional problems that might be leading me to do this. I am not saying I don't have any, but they are certainly not obvious to me. My life is pretty good right now and I am pretty much together I think in all other aspects of my life. I had a difficult childhood at times, but many people do so I would be loathe to blame that. I am seeking counselling in any event to try and answer this question.

I have to say that having read many of the diaries on here, I usually expect a relapse at some point in their journey. Statistics seem to bear this out, sad but true. Could you tell me what in particular I said that led you to believe I would slip? I think that might be very useful to me. Maybe I am too preoccupied by the money side of things, but unfortunately that seemed to be the only thing that could make me realise I had a problem. The gambling hasnt had any noticeable effect on my life in any other way. I will have a good think about the points you have raised.

Thanks for reading.

Hi will try reply ater when I get a chance, or poss tomorrow.
Cheers
Louis

Day 2

Thanks Louis, I just had a read of your diary. It is a pleasure to say that it is one of the very few I have read in which there was no relapse. So a big congratulations for that. We need to celebrate sucessful people like yourself, because it is important for people to realise that this can be done.

I will definitely be extremely interested on your opinion on my situation.

Hi - there are quite a few people who have stopped longer term, many post less frequently now.

In my experience the people who stay stopped for longer, tend to be the ones who have committed to finding out as much as possible about why they gambled, which involves being very honest with yourself, and then taking committed action to live according to what you value. I think that gambling, for an addict, is always about escaping/avoiding due to fears of some sort or another. I think the 'action gambler' is largely a myth.

It wasn't obvious to me what was 'wrong' with me. I was very functioning, am a 'professional', have very loving parents and had a happy childhood. But by being really honest with myself, by embracing therapy, by talking about my addiction, I was able to find out more about myself. The first thing I 'discovered' was that I suffered from social anxiety - this was something which in hindsight was obviously there, but was something I would never admit to as I saw it as a weakness. (The social anxiety was slightly clouded by the fact that in certain ways I'm quite confident.) I then took that further and realised I have quite a deep seated fear of rejection/of being judged by others.

By realising these fears I have, I have learned to face up to them, by using various different techniques which I won't go into now. But the great thing is, I've learnt that most of my fears were 'paper tigers'. It's been strangely liberating acknowledging my fears.

I appreciate I've basically just talked about myself. But it is a personal journey, so I guess that's all I can do with any authority. I would say - if you're just 'stopping', without making any deeper changes, then your not really changing anything - you're just trying to knock out a symptom.

Hope that helps in some way. It's good that you seem to genuinely be receptive to different ideas.

best wishes

Louis

Day 3

Thanks for your post Louis. I think you are probably right, last time I tried to quit, as also now, I felt strongly that I can quit for 6 months no trouble, but after that I just wonder what will be there to stop me. My memory will have faded, even though i know what inevitably happens, my mind will play tricks and I will convince myself that there is no harm in gambling because I will start to think I can control it. I dont have this relentless need to gamble like some people do, which in some ways makes it just as hard to properly abstain, because I can deceive myself that I am different and I can manage it.

Obviously I know I will never control it, which is why I totally agree with you, I need to do something more to change than simply break the cycle. I am awaiting to hear when I can start online counseling. I would much prefer face to face, but I travel so that will have to wait a bit longer. GA meetings are an option for me, I just wont be able to attend in the same place all the time.

I am glad the triangle wasnt a factor in your case, because I feel less nervous about the fact that i am not really using it. I have proven I have the willpower to abstain without it, and I feel that my life is so complex and I am so resourceful, that even if I did use it, ultimately the point at which I deceived myself that I was once again 'safe' to gamble (i will never be safe), would be the point at which i removed the triangle, so in that sense I gain nothing by using it.

I feel that with me it is a choice, I am able to make that choice and for that reason I dont need to break up the triangle. But what I do need to do is find out how I can make that a life choice, and not a 6 month choice.

I hope that makes sense.

James