Mortgaging my future.

Hi Stark13,

Thanks for writing in my diary. I see you had a slip but you proved in the past you can go 6mths without a bet. That is some achievement.

For me 6 weeks was the longest I have abstained in 13 years.

Stay strong stark13. I have found that putting barriers up like self exclusion from the bookies and carrying a little cash helps. The more cash I carry the more i am tempted to bet. Awk sure i have ВЈ100 will bet £20 and walk away. But i never walk away even if i win. I just can't stop.

Keep posting daily that helps to.stay positive stark13.

Ribit-the gambling toad.

Day 0

I thought about not counting my slip up tonight but who would I be cheating? Myself!!!!!

Its very frustrating having to reset that counter, it goes up slowly enough as it is.

I am not sure why i did it. I had an almightry wrestle with myself. Does anyone else feel literally like two halves of your brain are competing against each other to see who wins? I feel like on this occasion the my system 2 brain (reflective sytem) just let system 1 (automatic system) crack on, almost to see what happened. Like a parent letting a child make its own mistake so it learns its lesson.

Its insane that I gambled. I gambled for about 5 minutes and stopped without losing any money. ( am I going to count anything other than losing money as 'temporarily not losing money' because that is what happens even if we win.

Just because i was in control (comparatively : we are never in control if we gamble), and I didnt lose money, doesnt mean that I dont take this serioiusly. Total abstinence is the goal.

James

James, I get what you are saying about the triangle but it doesn't have to be a permanent measure! I used it for the 1st 3 months & the second it was intact the addiction tried to bring me back to my knees fortunately by then I had learned to choose 'no'! Never mind 2 halves of my brain, I had an Angel & a Devil kicking off inside my head but even with me willing the Angel on, the Devil still managed to march me to the cash point until there was nothing left to withdraw & then once I'd discovered I could use my debit card instead, back & forth from the counter until the bookies closed or the transactions were declined! I spent years kidding myself that I didn't have a problem, I could stop if I wanted to & yet the second I had access to money again, off I went chasing rainbows...It's only in recovery having accepted the help I need that I have truly been able to understand that it is a choice & one that needs to made on a regular basis. Today I choose 'no' One Day At A Time, I don't worry about tomorrow...Try not to get too hung up on where you will be in 6 months. You are here because you want help, don't be afraid to use everything on offer!

Well done for checking yourself so quickly & recognising that total abstinence is the future, it terrified me to find that out but I have never looked back, I really haven't!

You can do this - ODAAT

James,

Thanks for your post on my diary the gambling was the least of my worrys my personal issues was the key to me not gambling learn about yourself and what triggers your injection of gambling it's only a drug that takes away pain or gives you the rush you hold the needle gambling doesn't, you have the power.my advice would be look in the mirror look a bit deeper it is working for me, and never give up giving up I learnt that it's made my journey possible and learnt a lot.

take care

the bear

Day 0

Today has been a really bad day.

From going for 4 days with almost no urge to gamble I have now relapsed twice.

Had a really unexpected bill for £1100 today, and an offer free money offer from a well know casino site with low wagering requirements. I started doing it and somehow managed to completele the wagering requirements £150 up, so £225 up overall.

A small voice said to myself : £225 is amazing, you can never win gambling so stop there. But I just wanted to 'make back' the £1100 unexpected bill.

To cut a long story short (and you can guess where this is heading) I ended up losing £1500.

So today I am now £2600 worse off that I was yesterday. This has pushed this current situation from a managable blip, towards crisis.

If I stop now this still isnt a disaster, but I am really really upset with myself. How can I be so utterly stupid. I am here on this site acknowledging my problem by posting daily so why cant I just stop!

This really has to be my last skip up. I need to do this for my wife as well as for myself.

Sad times

James

I almost have that 'feeling physically sick' feeling that I used to get when I gambled to oblivion.

Things arent that bad, I havent borrowed any money through loans, credit cards etc, but I have dwindled the money in my current accounts right down. And obviously being that I am in debt from previous gambling, this isnt 'spare money'.

I have installed K9 as that worked well last time. Sad to say but I think I need it right now as I am clearly still in loss chasing mode. Tonight was all about loss chasing, I think my brain treated the unexpected debt as the same thing as a gambling loss, because if i hadnt lost so much recently, it wouldnt have been a huge deal.

I will do better.

James

Hi James... this is a tough one pal. You seem really to be within the grip of addiciton. Managing only a couple of days is not a good sign. I want to offer advice but the only thing I can really think of is that you don't have sufficient barriers in place. I kept going on about barriers on my threads as they've really helped me after my most recent relapse. I can only now access £100 cash a day. I have self excluded from every known site online and I've tried to find new ones but literally there is nothing available so I know I can't bet online.

Similar to your situation I find that I gamble to pay for unexpected bills. I don't know why that is for sure but I think it is because I set myself up wanting to pay off my debt by X date... the bill means I won't achieve that so I gamble to try and stay on target and inevitably make it worse. Why do you think it caused you to gamble?

Also is there a way you could give financial control to your wife or agree a date each week or month where she reviews all your bank transactions online? I doubt you'd gamble if you knew she would be looking at them.

Just a couple of ideas.

Good luck James.

Day 2

Early days since my last meltdown. Having a great weekend, went to see henning wehn last night, who is just hilarious and off to a medieval themed wedding today - should be memorable, though not quite sure what to expect.

I have had a bit of a nagging feeling in the back of my head asking myself what have I done etc.it makes life feel a bit False and surreal to have needlessly wasted a huge chunk of money and then just carry on as normal. Obviously this time feels worse because I had 'ordered' myself to stop and still carried on.

Aside from that I'm not feeling too bad. I still have a great opportunity now to beat this once and for all. I have my first online couseling session this week, which at the very minimum is at least an indication of how seriously I am taking this.

I have just about enough money to function normally and enough to pay for my wife's birthday this week which will be quite expensive!

Hope everyone in having a gamble free weekend.

Day 3

I have had a busy and great weekend where the opportunity to gamble would have been fairly small.

I dont think i have ever 'sneaked away' to gamble or gone out of my way to gamble during an otherwise busy period. I always seemed to do it when it was there in front of me or when I had nothing else I needed to do.

I dont gamble because I am bored, because I never get bored, there is always something I want to be doing. I gambled generally because it was there or because I was chasing losses.

I hope everyone else is having a great and gamble free weekend.

James

Day 4,

Cant believe its only day 4. Seems like ages ago now I had my last huge blow out. Just looking forward now to putting distance between the present and the last time I gambled. Also looking forward to starting counseling, not really sure what to expect from it, but just want to do everything I can to achieve total long term abstinence.

James

Day 6,

Just had my assessment counselling session online. I didnt expect it offer any immediate revelations and it didnt, but I found it brilliant and really hope to have more. Its going to be really hard with my work and travel schedule, but I really think this is a route I need to fully explore to make sure I dont fall off the wagon...ever!

One thing is for sure. I dont every want to make one gamble again ever!

James

Pleased for you that your feeling positive about counselling. Embrace it. Be open. Be honest. Be committed!

Louis

Happy back to the future day everybody.

I just watched back to the future II at the cinema (went to watch all three but it was sold out!).

The following points strike me.

a) It is a truely amazing film that has more than stood the test of time.

b) Micheal J Fox is an amazing actor and an amazing human being.

c) Let 21 October 2015 forever be in the first full week in which I never gambled again. Just imagine if I am lucky enough to survive the next 30 years (lets not forget life is a gift not a given), and I do not gamble, how much money I will save. Possibly close to £1,000,0000 if I were to gamble every desposable bit of income I gain. Future James : take note - £1 million!!!!!

James

Well done on one week James.

Suzanne xx

Day 9

Wifes birthday today. Bought her some hunter boots. The best present I could give her is to not be a gambler, so I WILL give her that gift too.

James