Moving onward & upward with clarity

Hello p0p3y398,

Well done on your 12 days, below I've pasted your previous posts that were here and there in the 'Recovery diary' section, so that they are on one thread and it is easier to read about your progress.

As debt is one of your main concerns, you might like to obtain free professional debt advice from a service like the National Debtline 0808 808 4000 or StepChange 0800 138 1111.

If you'd like to discuss blocks you can put in place to help prevent relapse, or if you'd like information on local support for your motivation and recovery, feel welcome to call a GamCare adviser on 0808 8020 133 or on the Netline.

Well done,

Adam.

----------------------------------------------------

Day one

p0p3y398 Posted: Sat 13 Sep 2014 17:01:11

This is day one of my new non-on-line gambling life.

It has been pretty hard as the thought of having a bet pops into my mind constantly.

I have tried to keep myself busy in order to get my mind off gambling.

The garden is starting to look good put it that way!

It will be harder later i am sure as my wife is not home from work until after 8pm so i need to find something to occupy myself with as this is usually when i would be more likely to have a gamble.

I know tomorrow will be a bit easier as my wife will be finished working early afternoon.

I would like to say i am looking forward to that but i find it hard to relax and be merry knowing that she doesn't know the amount of debt i have accrued this past month due to gambling.

I need to tell her by the end of the month as things need to be paid.

Just finding the right moment and how to approach it is eating me up.

Day 2 (yesterday)

p0p3y398 Posted: Mon 15 Sep 2014 10:34:23

Was quite a tough day yesterday mentally.

Not so much with feeling the need to have a bet but having my wife at home and wanting to tell her about my issues and what i have done recently.

Felt myself being rather distant from her, short tempered and stressed out.

Didnt want to speak or make conversation.

This morning i still felt the same and i think she is picking up that there is infact something eating away at me. As i was leaving for work she asked if everything was alright.

Obviously i said i was fine, i couldn't exactly break down and open up to her as i was walking out the door to work.

I need to say something, i just need to get my own head focused first before i can, in order to be ready mentally for what events will follow. Ultimately, her leaving me carrying our unborn child............it will destroy me if i am not prepared.

coaching and mentoring

p0p3y398 Posted: Tue 16 Sep 2014 20:24:34

In my line of work I have opportunities to get more qualifications and over the past 3 months or so I have been getting into coaching & mentoring.

Since my day one thread last week I have started to try these techniques I have began learning on myself and today I must say that it seems to have clicked.

I must have spent a good 3 hours today self reflecting and asking myself effective questions. The result being I have discovered a clear way forward and a way to get there.

I am actually feeling positive, which I havent done so in a long time.

Although I still remain anxious about telling my wife about the debt I have ran up, I am more focused about how and when to tell her.

nearly a week down

p0p3y398 Posted: Thu 18 Sep 2014 20:10:49

Providing I get through tomorrow, I will be a week clear of my last bet.

Knowing this gives me inspiration. Even with the amount of football thats been on this week, I havent had the urge to place a bet and when the latest odds adverts come on in the adverts I look at them in disgust.

As for online casino's, thats been out of my mind too.

Even though I am aware of the sort increased debt I will have to start paying at the end of the month, I dont feel the urge to try and win it back.

Injust wish I can break it to my wife but I still havent found an appropriate time or way.

Other than that I am feeling optomistic about the future, I have had a coaching session today which has helped me get more focused and enlightened me too.

I would recommend to anyone the benefit of seeing a life coach &mentor. Miles better than seeing a shrink.

SuzyLemon Posted: Thu 18 Sep 2014 20:24:37

Well done. You seem to have your head in the right place which is half the battle.

I agree with you on the life coaching ...you have to change and they show you how.

Will you take a look at my diary... I know it's different but your thinking is similar to mine.

I would love to be of help if you think it would help.

Suzy

1 week down

p0p3y398 Posted: Sun 21 Sep 2014 17:53:16

I am one week through without having a bet, so far so good.

I am feeling good about this achievement, especially after the weekend and midweek football that's been going on.

I feel that i am the winner and have been each and every day that i have gone without a bet.

I have decided a date when i am going to tell my wife and it was going to be this Tuesday 23rd, however it is no longer appropriate as i have a commitment to my son in the evening and do not want to let him down as i know once i tell my wife, anything could happen!

So next realistic date when my wife isn't working in the evening will be Thursday 25th.

I really do just want to get it out and tell her as with every bit of confidence i get from not betting, it gets knocked back a little as i know i still have to tell her.

I want it out so i can accept whatever consequence results from it and move on with a 100% clear conscience and commitment.

D-DAY

p0p3y398 Posted: Mon 22 Sep 2014 18:28:15

Today i left for work and left a whole log along with a covering letter for my wife to read once she got in from work on her afternoon break.

It detailed what i had been doing regards to gambling in secret this year and how much debt i had accrued and also the positive steps i have made lately in order to stop.

I had to do it this way as our paths briefly cross lately and to break something like this during the little precious time we have together............well there has never been a right time.

Prior to this i gave myself a deadline by the end of the week to tell her but after the weekend i thought today would be the day.

I didn't want to carry this lie and burden on my own any more, it was eating me up inside not telling my wife.

Naturally i had a text message whilst i was at work informing me she had read everything.

My wife understandably now feels angry, upset, disappointed, let down. She now blames herself.

Our relationship hasn't been brilliant for some time, which has been a trigger but it is not all her fault at all.

Gambling to such extremes is an illness and it is one i want to recover from.

I feel glad now that everything is out in the open but i wish i could stop my wife feeling like this.

Time is a good healer and i hope it does.

Although i have been doing really well lately and not gambling this has spurred me on more than i thought possible to never gamble again.

I do not want putting my wife through all of this heart ache to be in vein.

I am waiting for her to come home from work after 8pm and hopefully we can discuss everything in a civilised manner.

I am anxious about her walking through the front door but also want her to so i can re-assure her and move onward.

Chirst21 Posted: Tue 23 Sep 2014 08:22:47

Well done on opening up to your wife. In the long run it will be the best thing you have ever done I am sure. It's going to be difficult for her and for you for a bit, but that's understandable as it's a huge shock.

I would definitely advise that you keep telling her it's not her fault. It's so easy as gamblers to place blame on many issues in our lives (work, marriage, health, stress etc) but deep down we know it's something within us that gives in to the demon.

Perhaps you should suggest she reads some of the posts on Friends & Family forum or that she even signs up and asks for advice herself.

Best of Luck

Craig

p0p3y398 Posted: Tue 23 Sep 2014 09:26:15

Thanks for that Craig,

I wasn't aware of the friends and family forum so i shall definately suggest it to here this evening when we sit down and come up with our way forward.

All the best

Aftermath

p0p3y398 Posted: Tue 23 Sep 2014 09:37:45

Well i did it.

Yesterday i broke my gambling news to my wife and we spoke about it when she got home that evening from work.

Understandably she is very upset and blames herself for my actions.

I can only reassure her that this is not the case, granted things haven't been great between us but it goes deeper phsychologically within me than that.

As i said in previous posts we are expecting our 1st child in April and my biggest fear was her leaving me and not giving me the chance to be a father again.

Last night she said she didn't want us to split up over this but she is scared about it all happening again and if it were to next time there will be a child involved.

All i can do is re-assure her that this time is the time and i do not want my burden ever affecting my child or our family ever.

I feel even more positive about getting through all of this now that i have laid my cards on the table.

I do not want all of this heartache to be for nothing.

So here is to the 11th day that i am a winner and the bookies are the loosers!

Roll on #12.

I wished Posted: Tue 23 Sep 2014 09:48:17

Hi pop

Firstly a great big well done to you for coming clean, this is such a positive step forwards for you.

Honesty with our partners takes away that horrible secret that can eat us up,if we let it.

Might sound silly, but my OH calls this forum my bible.

He read a lot of the diaries on here when I first joined and I know it helped him understand this addiction more.

I wish you all the best on this journey of recovery

and very well done on 12 days of winning.

Best wishes

Suzanne xx

2 WEEKS TOMORROW!! I am looking stronger than ever. Everything is out in the open and my life is moving onwards. My wife is starting to speak to me without the anger and disappointment she had a few days ago. She is being supportive which is priceless. My new toy (PS4 with Fifa 15) arrives tomorrow so i am looking forward to christening my 2 week marker with that. I hope it entertains me for a long time to come, especially when i have the dark days, which i am sure will hit me at some point. Next marker i am looking forward to is meeting my unborn child on Wednesday as it is time for the 1st scan. Good times ahead are making me appreciate the life i have (without gambling) and the bright future too. Feeling Good!!!

don't want to pop your balloon but just be careful

often this isn't over til the fat lady sings and i don't hear no fat ladies

tri

Thanks for the concern Tri,

I have a fat lady (pregnant) and she is starting to sing for me!!!! 🙂

Another weekend down with what would normally be some tempting football games for me to bet on but i never had the urge to place a bet.

Even when watching my team (Everton) on saturday.

It must be the 1st time in a long time that i haven't put a bet on the Derby game and i enjoyed watching the game just as much, if not more so.

I know its still early days, however confidence is high!!

Hi pop

Well done on your days,

Keep going and stay strong and focused

Suzanne x