Mr Grumpy: Round 3 and a half

Day 52: Recovered.... from day 50.

Maybe I drank too much... certainly a lot lot more than I am used to nowadays.

Now feeling the resultant downer... listless, unmotivated, fed up. So need to get something done today... can't just sit here pondering life the Universe and everything.. it doesn't pay to think too much, doing does better.

Minor urges now and again, nothing that my blocks and my money situation can't cope with.

The change in positivity does not seem confined to myself. It would seem that quite a few people are reaching turning points in their approaches. I think we must all realise that even without this problem, there would be days like these. Days where we wonder what it's all about, and what's the point? Ours is just exascerbated by our problem here.

Focusing is tiring... being on your guard is tiring... living life can be tiring. How do we create a new life when all that we are now takes so much out of us? Need to create more time... or just throw out and prioritise... easier said than done though.

OK.... get positive... do something.. get off this d**n computer!

1. Tidy up

2. Wrap and post

4. Answer phone to creditors

3. Treat (non alcohol based)

Jon

Hiya Jon

Thanks for your honesty in your posts and i'm glad you haven't deleted your thoughts even after a few to drink.

In the early days I had a few of those whilst listening to music.Its all part of real life when sometimes we have a few detours....

My recovery is not a linear straight line which is why sometimes im lost and in a no mans land asking similar questions to you......sometimes its one forward 3 back and a few to the side...

My diary really is an internal dialogue and its going to be hard to wean Linus off the blanket but it is necessary I think and I truly appreciate you bringing this to my attention.

Just entering the VOID ....of what now? Is this it?

In a weird way these diaries are a right of passage and something that can be marked ...we all bear witness to each others lives in cyber space.

Hopefully you can make the most of the day but even if you decide to just hole up and take it easy then thats also ok.

Im going to try and finish painting weather permitting.

Never seen Dweezil before he's very good... have a few of Franks albums...I believe Frank was a clean living chap despite some of his lyrics being a bit way out.?..funny though ....lol

My current favourite is listening to the melancholic Loudon Wainwright singing Dreaming and Radiohead Talk Show Host...currently reflects my mood but im normally a funk soul diva ..

100 different people from one day to the next....lol

Rachel and Dotty xxx wuff

Day 53: At least it's Sunny

Took your appeasement Rach.. and did very little... and today is not much different.. but hey, at least it's sunny.

I think I need to sort out my debts... you can only take holding on to your money so far... but it feels good to have money in the bank... almost like an imaginery friend.

The phases we go through, dealing with our successes and our failures, the rollercoaster ride which is life, are obviously effected by our gambling recovery, but without gambling, there's still a chance it would be s**t anyway.... just worse with it than without it. So at what point do we separate the two... the general day to day life ups and downs... and the downs caused by the gambling. Am I feeling down now because of gambling... or just down because of life in general? It's a close call.

Get up off your a * s * and do something about it then..... that's what you should be screaming at people like me. Or is this a phase I have to go through... one where I am reluctant to spend money on doing things..( walking is free..I know... but it's only just got sunny). I am off work for a week.. and all I want to do is go back to work... I am busy there, I am full of energy there, I am a good laugh there, I am good at what I do..... there. But at home... I feel drained, unimaginitive, uninspired and a number of other "un"'s that are too numerous to mention.

Simple short term achievable targets:

1. Make a brew.

2. Drink Brew

3. Return cup to the vaccinity of the dishwasher.

4. Set new target

It's a start ;O)

Jon

Day 54: It's not even Sunny

Accomplished 1 and 2, but sadly the cup I used is still sat in front of me... staring at me... goading me... disappointed in me.... empty.

Other than that.. things to do today.. will I succeed...

1. Phase 2 of tidy up my room ( including quilt and sheet washing).... and cup removal.

2. Wrapping and posting

3. Install new(ish) printer

4. Sell stuff..( been meaning to this for over a month.. my own stuff.. have been car booting and selling with my sister)

5. Read in the Bath

Minor thoughts still bite now and again. I wonder... when we come out of this.. on the otherside of recovery, will we be better people than we were before we started gambling? If so then maybe this is not so much about the stopping gambling, but more about learning about ourselves... how we can effect others positively or negatively, how we feel about ourselves and what is acceptable to us in our own lives. Sometimes I feel I am just an onlooker watching my life.... I need to get involved in my life.

Oh well... another day... and now for some music.... of no consequence really..just like acoustic stuff.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?…JocsVYy-o&feature=related

Keep strong, keep posting, get happy

Jon

Hi Jon,

Your posts do make me smile but i can also relate to lots of them. For me my recovery hasnt just been about stopping gambling like you say its been a real eye opener and a learning process about me, getting to know me again and the person i lost due to gambling, I totally get the lack of motivation and its difficult to indentify if thats down to us not gambling or that is who we are. Enjoy your 5 point targets for today, I would add a 6, splash in the bath haha..

Your doing well john your posts are honest and you support lots of people whilst your on your recovery journey.

Blondie day 45

Hi Jon

Insightful posts. It seems a few people here, have made a success of stopping gambling and are now asking the question, what now? Is there more to me, can I be more effective etc Dont what the answer is, but I think with the right tools and similar determination, we may begin to find those answers (I for one, feel like I dont really want to know, cos I might be disappointed with the answer, but its never as bad as we imagine and most times its a pleasant surprise)

I hope that is the case and wish you all the power to motivate yourself for today,

Thoughts

John

Day 55: It's raining again

Well I am pleased to report I did something yesterday, not a lot...( trying not to say that with paul daniels intonation... but it comes out that way)..but I did get up and tidy up.. esp my bedroom ( cup removed.... however 2 others seem to have materialised this morning) and printer almost installed, and several rounds of washing and drying.

So today I intend to carry on and get more done.. may even start those reports I need to do... who knows.

So almost 8 weeks since my last gamble.. the end of a bad time. I still have lots to sort out, face up to some debts.. but I am in a better place. The person I was, sat at my computer, zombified staring at the wheel, internally praying, screaming and the pain in the morning of realising what I'd done... time after time... seems like another me...( although just thinking how to describe it then made it all come back... it was me).

It is amazing how quickly things can get better, but I also realise that even if I was talking about 8 months free... it would only take one night to set me back into deeper trouble. And so once again I say:

BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK and BLOCK again.

Sad as it sounds.. I know I would not have got this far without the blocks on my computer.. I would have gambled. The blocks are now my friend, in the first few weeks they were my guard, but now they will stay with me.

Hope everyone is strong today and moving forward towards happier times.

Jon

Hi John, read your posts and they made me smile too. That cup business, classic. It inspired to make me move those three at the side of my bed. They've made it to the landing now so hopefully they'll reach the sink before sundown. Giving up gambling creates a huge void and you really got to try and fill it otherwise boredom creeps in and you end up watching Jeremy Kyle twice a day. Missing work, it was a laugh! Where do you work? A circus? Get selling those items, got any fishing gear? Go round charity shops buy things and sell them on for profit. Go the pictures, fly a kite, bird watchin, bake a big cake, build a cathedral from matches and ciggy stubs. Whatever you do take care, keep strong, Steve Piles

Thanks Mr Piles, that really made me laugh... pls post again sometime... nice to get away from the " you are doing well " etc stuff..( although that is good aswell :oS)

I have, believe it or not tried all those things I lost the kite when the flock of seagulls I was "watching" attacked whence the big cake I was baking burned as I tried to recuperate my lost kite On the brighter side... I have only got to smoke 3 more packets of f**s to complete my cathedral, although I feel it is not quite structurally sound to receive visitors yet. So maybe I should join a circus.

Job Disclosure: I am a teacher... sorry. Not sure whether I should disclose, but why not?

Sorry no fishing gear.. but if you tell me what it is you want, I'll look out for it on my carboot travels.

So... I'd like to report a small step.. but a significant one for me.... I answered the phone to the banky people who are after my blood... made a payment.. to their satisfaction for now... and I feel relieved. There are others... but the first step has been taken. My ostrich impersonation has ended for the time being. PHEWWWWWW!

And Breathe:

Jon

Hi Jon

Thanks for your thoughts, normally would say more than well done, but hey, well done, keep up the good work, read something about you, wilsy and being cliquey, might go and find what that was all about, but thanks for popping by, hope you have a great weekend,

John

Look at the progress jon, you have gone from splashing in the bath and moving printers to flying kites whilst smoking and baking a cake lol... I could contribute to the CIG dimp collection in a big way... I must stop smoking sometime in the next few years lol no point in stretching the target to much 🙂

So i wont say "WELL DONE" Oppss sorry i did but congratualtions on moving that cup and setting up the printer lol.

Take care, dont breath to hard on that cathedral you would have to start all over again.

Blondie day 46, really fed up because i just updated my diary for today and lost it all and now cant remember or be bothered doiing it again lol

Day 56: Not that I'm Counting or Nuffin

So... another Saturday ready to be ticked.. and you guessed it.. it's raining.

Sat at computer, decided to sort my daughters washing out, when to my surprise I found myself automatically picking up the 2 cups from my desk, and you'll never believe this... straight into the dishwasher... no use of the word vaccinity in this action... it was direct, purposeful and, if I say so myself, done with a certain amount of swagger.

A little devil sat on my shoulder this morning when I remembered.. or was reminded by a post I'd read, that whilst I have asked my daughter to put K9 on her's and my son's laptops, she hasn't done it yet. And they are out till one. And breathe: I can deal with that. But it is funny how thinking about something like that actually causes urges. As I have said before, I still get a little adrenalin rush when I think about what happened before, getting it now writing about it.... but I also associate that feeling with every other feeling I had at the time.

I feel so much calmer now. I just realised that I have stopped shouting at my children (17 & 20) for every little thing... I just do it now for the important things like " Who's left the milk out !?" and " Where are all the glasses !!" ( they seem to store them in their rooms ) and finally " This is not a bloody hotel !"... but like I said... I feel calmer.

Tasks for today:

1. Sell

2. Food shop

3. Tidy up ... again ( KIDS !)

4. Assess whether cup experience was a fluke. Success Criteria; Have several brews and have no cups on table at end of the day.

Stay Strong, Stay Focused for future happiness.

Jon

Urges can come from anywhere and at any time.

When they come, it's only up to us to make all the right choices for ourselves and our family.

NT

Day 57: The Sun is out, no it's not, yes it is, no it's not.

Feeling ok today, stuff to do, cathedrals to smoke, back to work tomorrow, shirts to wash and iron, ties to choose, socks to find (preferably in pairs), bristles to shave (including the far corners of my head), plus the usual tidying up after my kids. Done food shop and was tempted to buy nothing for them... but decided against that so got them a pkt of birds eye waffles to share.

Was saddened a little last night, when on here, as I pressed pages 5 and 6 on here... and there sat a few familiar names to me, even though I have not been on here, relatively speaking, too long. It's like 2/3 weeks since these people posted; one can only fear the worst and that they have slipped but been too upset/embaressed/shaken/proud... etc to come back... or they are still slipping. I think I will try to that a little more, ie look at these pages and post.. so if they do come back, they know that we have thought about them.... it might help them to come back and stay.

Just a thought.

Stay Strong, Stay Focused for a happier life

Jon

The hitchhikers guide to the galaxy ? I watched the tv show dont think I have read the book. Back to school eh not long till the summer holidays . I was posting on someones diary who I fear may have slipped, there by the grace of god and all that, we are all the same distance away from our next bet, but today I choose to distract myself with living. I have just been to pick up my new little doggie from the labrador rescue centre 10 months of mischief and mayhem wrapped in a coat of cuddles if ever I saw it. Hope you find a pair of socks I think that is another of lifes mysteries, where do the other ones go.? Hope tomorrow is kind to you . Blondie day 48