my betting diary

Hi wp

I was sad you resigned from the 2012 challenge which Gt has started. That really was not my intention.

I am doing ok at that moment as my dept decreases my self worth increases. My mental state is improving daily and I am coping with what ever life throws at me at the moment.

I have done this by taking one day at a time, and not making great expectations of myself. When I joined that thread in the back of my mind I had concerns that I was not following what was working for me at present. But thought hay why not give it a shot. On reflection I was a bit uneasy with it. Therefore the seed was sown long before yours and other peoples threads.

I want to win this battle , even though I know I will be fighting the war for the rest of my life.

I have the greatest respect for you, your input to this site is invaluable, and debate is good. So I want to end with thank you, because you helped me make a choice that will help me grow stronger , and stronger and stay in recovery.

I wish you all the best.

Just for today

Dusty( Aka. Kaza)

Hi wp.

Was actually going to mail you last week but just neaded some time away from e-mails and everything basically.Even turned of my phone for the week.Feeling better now but i had a major downer that day.Came out of the blue.Don't gamble any more-like you-but i blaim my past gambling habbits for my downer days!

Will mail you soon mate.

Have a great weekend.

Viggo!

Thankyou wp for your support it means alot.

re rent arrears i already pay back extra per month for the arrears i am more worried about getting it paid on time.But with some reshuffling i should get it paid by the end of the month if not couple of days late.

As for my ex problems i should be able to deal with it by now,i know what hes like and the games he plays and we've had a few arguments since i left but for some reason this time it got me.Must be stronger.I will get back on track i know it.

Of course your spot on there are people out there with alot worse problems than mine,time to buck my ideas up and get on with my life.

Once again thankyou for the support and hope all is well with you.

Trying to be strong

E xx

thanks for the posts dotty,s.a,blokey,dusty,viggo and especially elizabeth putting me back on the front page,its been that long i wouldve had to trawl the pages lol.

This has been the longest time since i posted on my own diary.however i have been contributing a little on other diaries.

As with my last post things are not great on the homefront.my gambling past is haunting me big time in my relationship.

This is not a post looking for sympathy,just purely highlighting the dangers that gambling can ruin everything.

This is one helluva disease to get rid of even after all this time bet free.guard has to be up at ALL times,

Today i wont bet tomorrow i wont bet,this can be done.

Keep fighting,

best wishes,

w.P

wp,

Great to hear from you.

You know that you are doing great and just keep doing it. I remember 12 or 18 months ago when you were totally in the doghouse. Look how much things have improved from then !

It all takes time. Your other half deserves the airtime too.... .the hassle we have brought to their door is unbelieveable. Someone said to me before that all our recoveries (partners included) work at different frequencies. If only they worked at the same pace, life would be grand.

The only thing that is for certain is that to gamble again, brings us back to square one. I know we like to think that those days are behind us, but its best to keep an eye open all the same. The trust would be even more smashed than it was before. You are doing great... your patience and listening will pay off.

I've always said that if my missus brought me into the s*i* as much as I did, I'd find it hard to forgive and move on. So I'll let her take her time and try to enjoy life together in the meantime.

Brian

thanks brian,good to hear from you,hope alls well with you and your family.

As far as trust is concerned i have never really earned it even some nearly 26 months down the line.its annoying and frustrating that the past is always haunting and casted up at the slightest thing. House improvements could have been finished had i not wasted my money gambling and even though i earn a good wage its wasted on debts etc etc.. Yes i was foolish and stuck in a gambling trance day after day sneaking upstairs to a different room for that next bet but them days have completely gone and it pi ss es me off big time that we seem on different planets at times.

When do i become normal again if ever ?

I am not prepared to live my life with the slightest petty thing turning into a major argument.yes go back several dark dark months (and they truly were dark) but when is it time to accept me for who i am.

A totally different person.

It may just be too late for that.

Sorry for the negativity but its a dark hole i dug for myself.

Some days it feels as if im still at the bottom of that pit.

However tomorrow is another day and tomorrow i will wake up like the rest of them near 26 months and take it as it comes by saying to myself today i will not gamble.

Best wishes all,this is one big battle.

w.P

wp,

All well with family thanks.

Its not negativity, its reality. It is a pain in the hole turning things around. We can't do anybody else's recovery for them (talking about our partners). Those arguments really drive me mad. Particularly the ones when you think you are arguing about something else but women being women they have an underlying reason for the argument but don't think of telling you until after about 3 hours.

I get the same as you (although it doesn't sound as bad) but I turn the other cheek because I know that the comments and resentment is founded on moving sand each day I don't bet and every month when the full wages go into the account.

My own flavour of this recovery trauma is that I won't spend tuppence on myself.... I feel I need to cover all my expenses out of my paltry allowance. It drives my missus nuts but I want to make amends.... to the joint account.... to repay the loans. What happens when its all repaid... well it will be a very long time and perhaps I'll say I'm doing the wrong thing now, but that's just the way I am. (just reading this back to myself and it sounds like gambling behaviour... yikes !!)

Either way, the repair process is tough and its very much individual to the person. It seems that the best way is to keep talking and keep working at it and to keep learning. There's always the option of a break... I'm not ruling that out because life is also short.... but for me, I will give my missus a lot of slack for the next good while anyway.

Perhaps it would be easier for your partner to understand it as you saying that you are a compulsive gambler in recovery rather than a completely new person?? I know that argument does not sit well with you from previous discussions, but it just came to mind.

Take care wp and one day at a time we are doing great things.

Brian

Hi wp, in relationships trust is probably the most important feeling. Everybody on this site has abused somebody's trust or had their own trust for somebody destroyed. You can pay back loans, you can change as a person, you can stop gambling forever, but trust is different. As you know, the trauma I created was not on the cash side, it was the deceit and lies. The total disregard for honesty. I may have said this to you or other posters on here, but it is so true. Trust is like a broken mirror, you can stick the pieces back together but you will always see the cracks. I don't have many regrets (even my gambling and the route back has made me a better stronger person), but I do regret losing that 100% trust I used to have. In truth, I, you, Brian, everybody on here will never get back to a perfect mirror. We can get close though! It just takes a HUGE amount of time and being thick skinned. The bigger the hole, the longer it takes. You, me, Brian...we know that we have changed, we know we are no longer that selfish lieing b*****d we had become, but they don't. I really and honestly don't know at what stage you say 'I've done my best, you are never going to see me as anything else other than a gambler'. For now, you just need to hold on in there. All the best Russ

thanks for the advice and concerns brian and russ.

Always have respect for what you guys have to say.

Not much to report today other than check in on gettin theres thread. Not sure if i have the commitment to keep posting every time a date is set though.

However its defo not to say i will be punting away.

Today i did not bet tomorrow i wont bet,we can do this folks 😉

Hi wp,

Thanks for stopping by my diary. Your words ring true and your experience is respected.

Sorry to hear you were feeling a little down and insecure yourself. It's certainly a difficult thing for others to forget. They may forgive but never forget. I have all that to look forward to lol!

Anyway 26 months is an amazing achievement and what's important is that you know that. It doesn't matter what others think. The truth lies with you and all you can do is carry on. You are an ex gambler, there is no shame in looking at it like that and a certain amount of pride must be taken from it.

Best wishes mate. IanB. :0)

thanks ianb.

Well here i am 26 months on from my last bet lying on the floor of an unfurnished flat.not even a tele,fridge,washer,f**k all just a small radio for company. I had to get out :,-(

Tomorrow i will try to rebuild my life and get payday loan after payday loan to try and furnish the place.sound familiar ?

You folks with understanding partners dont really know how lucky you are.

Dont someone dare say life after gambling is so so much better !!!

Today i haven't bet,tomorrow who knows ? What's the flamin point !!!!

Take care folks am taking some time out from here.

Hey wp

Try freecycle you could furnish the place for free.

Stay Strong

E xx

Hi wp.. when I gambled again after 31 months off it it felt as if the time in between hadn't happened. The whole thought feel action and consequnces of my gambling were exactly the same as they were before. No reason to think that it won't be the same for you.

Ok so you may feel angry and upset at the moment with very little in the way of "things" but you will acquire the basics over the next few weeks. You don't need to say.. f*** it.. and go on a gambling frenzy. I once went for 6 months without fridge, cooker or carpet because I was gambling.

Your strength of character will see you through this difficult moment in time. Keep safe and keep posting.. S.A

P.s Remember that your stopped gambling 100% for yourself.. not to try and please other people.

Hello wp

The Aftermath, the process. Easy for me to say you've got a roof and a radio but did anyway..

Both of us got sucked in over a long period, a long period of mixed up emotions now its for real, possibly the hardest part...

Willing you on... exmug

thanks for the quick replies.

Elizabeth great idea,

s.a you know my admiration and respect for your diary,you are so right,

pauls you are also right ave got a roof over my head also a well paid job,also have my health and im sure happiness will return at some point.

Thanks for the kick up the ar se friends,maybes i have come across as selfish,

take care

w.P :,-(