my deceitful bubble has been burst, finally

day 68....

no gambling today, not even thought about it at all. kept my mind busy with other stuff. dan at my local park. they have an amateur running club and tonight is obviously a training night. having kids lap me wasn't fun at first but really got into it and ran further than I would have on my own.

failed miserably at my diy project so had to call in a friend to point me in the right direction. all sorted now though.

my mod seems to be good at the moment. got the gp's in the morning, I'll see what he says, regardless, I'll be back at work soon which will present it's own challenges.

spent some good time with the kids tonight as the other half went to the gym. She seems ok at the moment too. I used to feel like she was as much to blame for bickering as me, not the case, when I'm happy she's happy, she very rarely starts an argument.

No money left for a week or so but should be ok.

take care,

A

day 69....

slightly frustrating day today. Was supposed to heading back from the financial ombudsmen service today and my claim isn't ready, annoying but I can't do much.

went to the gp this morning, told him I had my gambling under control but my moods go from very high to get low, he suggested some medication, I was against it but I'll take his advice, him being a Dr and all.

No thoughts of gambling today just of getting to a point where I don't have to actively stop myself thinking about it, I want to just be able to chill and not worry that unless my mind is occupied I'll occupy it with gambling.

I will keep going, pleased with myself so far but there are bigger tests ahead.

take care,

A

Hope you're going well today bud. Youve got a nice chunk of days behind you now. Keep going.

day 90.....

so, not fallen back into gambling. had some technical issues with the site that prevented me from logging in. All sorted by the forum team that I'm very grateful for!

so day 69 to 90 have been filled with lots of positives; back to work, started on some meds from gp that have really settled my mood. back playing football and still running.

Things at home have their moments where girlfriend gets a bit annoyed at the length of time ombudsmen and healthy minds are taking, but aside from that I'm ok.

I myself have had some difficult days where I've been down and struggled to sleep but I will keep persevering.

my mum and dad have gone away for 3 weeks and when I saw them before the flight they said how worried they still are.

I will keep going forward and post everyday from now on.

take care,

A

Good to hear from you bro and also great your remaining GF. I always believed in you from the day I read your posts and as I've said to you before your pragmatism and drive inspires me to get on top of all this once and for all.

I hope marathon prep going well. Fantastic news about work too... ie glad you settled back into it (work sucks as we all know so cracking on with it and getting a routine going again is only a good thing)

day 91.....

hi signalman, long time no speak bud. I really appreciate your support. you seem to believe in me more than I do sometimes.
anyway, yeah settled back into work well, not saying I'm loving work because I'm not. it's a very demanding role without the salary to match. it has its benefits of not thinking about debts and gambling because I'm so busy.

still reading quite a bit which is good, didn't read for years after uni but it's something I do enjoy.

got a busy one today, got my Mrs sister's toddler for the day and over night, he is so much fun and a top distraction. hopefully he wakes up at 4am so I can watch the ufc haha.

still not wanting to gamble, still feeling very annoyed at myself, that guilt will probably stay with me for life but it was my fault so it's only fair it stays with me.

I will not not gamble, next milestone is 100 days. never thought I'd see that in my life.

next Sunday is the run, love the atmosphere and hopefully that will push me to a good time.

take care and have a top weekend all.

A

day 93.....

had such a good day yesterday spending time with the Mrs' family. helped cook a roast after staying up watching ufc was a challenge but got through it

watched the footy too. half time comes around and Jeff is there on his advert sat please gamble responsibly. felt a bit embarrassed like he was just talking to me but got over it.

still struggling with money. the debt is going down but that doesn't help me right now with day to day living. pretty frustrating.

back at the gp's on Friday to see how ive been getting on. I do feel a lot calmer. I think the anxiety of going back to work was a big factor though.

my friends are all still gambling. doesn't notget me quite as m7ch as it did. I can talk about the footy with them now and not feel tempted. the best thing I did was block myself from every site, who knows how far I would have got without doing that, definitely not 93 days.

take care,

A

day 94....

pretty normal day in work today. I used to crave days like today where I could get all my work done within a few hours and then sit at my desk researching stats on goals,corners and cards. it's so important that I stay busy, it's probably more important I find a job that challenges and focuses me, not sure if those jobs exist but I'll keep looking.

played football last night, didn't go to the pub afterwards, I don't want to get sucked back into that lifestyle of only caring about getting drunk and betting. there's more to life.

going to run tonight, it will give me a good indication for Sunday of how much I'll struggle. finishing a race gives me a great feeling though so I won't give up.

my mood is ok today. still not sleeping great but I think that's just the way I am. I like being awake late at night. I'm not anxious about betting I'm just content being awake at that time.

I'm happy that I'm not gambling, but I'm not happy things haven't progressed as much as I'd like with the debts and counselling. I will keep moving forward though.

me and the Mrs are in a better place it seems, she's really pushy but I need that or I wouldn't do anything. sometimes I see it as nagging, other times it's just what I need. she's been really good through all this and I hope I can start to gain some trust back.

have a good day all.

take care,

A

Keep up the fight man. You're smashing it.

day 97....

been to the gp this morning for my follow up. he's given me a repeat prescription and said he'll see me in 6 months. really good gp, felt really comfortable talking to him about all that has gone on.

got a busy day today in work to keep me occupied and then one of the kids was 10 yesterday. he's got 10 mates for a sleepover tonight, will be absolute carnage and I'm not expecting much sleep but as long as he's happy.

still not gambling, thoughts are few and far between, I have those moments where I think I can win a tonne of money and erase all the bad but they are fleeting thoughts.

got a lot to look forward to at the moment but still feeling a bit impatient. I'll just keep going. I don't want to be mega rich any more, I just want to be happy.

progress not perfection is a phrase a close friend uses to describe his mental health struggles, I'm borrowing it as I think it fits well with me and probably a few others on here.

take care,

A

initiumnovum wrote: day 97....

still not gambling, thoughts are few and far between, I have those moments where I think I can win a tonne of money and erase all the bad but they are fleeting thoughts.

A

Yep... I resonate with this. Pretty much sums up where I'm at. Usual pattern is... I feel 'alright' and content > I then feel regret for my actions because apart from blowing my load life is good again > I don't feel 'alright' and content anymore > I think about plugging this hole with an all or nothing gambling conquest in order to win the money back and feel complete again > it passes quickly and spurs me on to just make the best of the day or task in front of me.

Maybe it will be like this forever... Who knows. Doesn't matter... What matters is we are in a place where we can handle our urges and are both doing well. Keep going. I'm still feeling the inspiration from you when I read. Is the marathon Sunday?

day 98.....

exhausted today, my 10 year old had 10 mates sleepover for his birthday last night. they finally shut up about 4.45 and woke at 7ish. never again haha.

today I'm going to town to pick up my race number for tomorrow. pretty excited. hoping the crowd will carry me through the last few miles. bit like my gambling addiction, I can get through most of it on my own but always helpful to have people around when the going gets tough.

I've been reading about a guy called dean karnazes, guy is insane. ran 50 marathons in 50 consecutive days. so inspirational.

I will not gamble today. my mindset is still very firm on that. I would love to get to a place where I'm not working towards getting out of debt but working towards being comfortable. so that if I randomly get asked to do something I have the spare money to say yes.

have a great Saturday all.

take care,

A

day 100!!!!

so chuffed to reach this milestone, no going back to that life now.

testing weekend in more ways than one, the kids sleepover really took it out of me so brought my mood down a bit. then my friend is on a winning streak with betting, I just keep thinking I've been there and it doesn't last forever. no amount of winnings will ever be enough for a gambler.

then yesterday did the half marathon, felt so proud and really put my all into it. I feel so calm and balanced when I run it's such a distraction from all that is going on. My other half and the kids stood in the freezing rain to support me too which meant a lot.

Back in work today feeling positive and wanting to move forward. there's a few things I've been putting off for a while that need sorting. No time like the present.

have a good Monday all.

take care,

A

Dear initiumnovum,

Congratulations to you for exceeding 100 days gf, you've worked hard and righfully deserve to celebrate your fantastic achievement. I have read your diary and see you've been really pro-active about moving on in life, committed to building upon relationships with friends and family, and challenging yourself through your running. You've stayed true to your feelings and your diary shows real commitment and tenacity throughout. It's also very uplifting and I am sure is an inspiration to many.

Warm regards

Leigh

Forum Admin

initiumnovum wrote: day 100!!!! so chuffed to reach this milestone, no going back to that life now. testing weekend in more ways than one, the kids sleepover really took it out of me so brought my mood down a bit. then my friend is on a winning streak with betting, I just keep thinking I've been there and it doesn't last forever. no amount of winnings will ever be enough for a gambler. then yesterday did the half marathon, felt so proud and really put my all into it. I feel so calm and balanced when I run it's such a distraction from all that is going on. My other half and the kids stood in the freezing rain to support me too which meant a lot. Back in work today feeling positive and wanting to move forward. there's a few things I've been putting off for a while that need sorting. No time like the present. have a good Monday all. take care, A

Mate it's posts like these that fill me with joy and confirm that my belief in you and your diary was not misplaced when I first entered these sites. Massive congrats on the 100 - also to completing that marathon and all the hard work and prep that went into it.

Also congrats on continuing to inspire others like me through the achievements in your journey. I feel buoyed after reading your post today. Thank you.