My diary 14hrs gamble free

This struck a chord with me mate. Very similar to my life. All I can say is you’ve hit this hard in day 1. This is the day to sort your life out. For me, this day started a real hatred for gambling. It’s taken everything from us. Keep developing that hatred for what it’s done to you. I think of it as someone who’s stole my life now. It really did take everything from me. Sounds like you are in the same boat.

Keep that hatred high, keep coming on here, join the chat rooms, keep that debt free plan. I’m over 6 months gamble free. Was 50k in debt. Lost my house, my wife, my life, but I now have savings, a date for being debt free, and have found someone who might take me to a new better place. The last thing on my mind now is gambling and that’s thanks to the utter revulsion I have for gambling now. 

You can be this, you can do this. Fight it hard, fight it now and it will be easier and better before you know it.

Stay strong 💪 

Hi weirdfish, 

Thanks for the sound advice.

I will definitely be using as much time on here as possible to figure how to beat this. You are right about the hatred as I have so much anger towards gambling. I think my biggest challenge is working in a bookies. Moving back to a small town with very few full-time jobs around and having physical limitations forced me to have this job. I'm hoping I can use the job mentally to reinforce the hatred I have for gambling. 

Thanks again for posting 

Have a great day! 

Start of day 2....

Last nights sleep was a little disturbed but probably expected after all the changes put in place yesterday. At least I had about 6hrs sleep which is more than usual. I've got a bad headache and sore chest which I'm guessing is due to too much smoking. I'm planning to stop smoking today because I believe it increases stress and anxiety which won't help my gamble free life. 

I'm working in the bookies today from 2 till close and would normally go to the other betting shop before work to do some accumulators/fobts but my plan this morning is to go down town to the Thursday Market and buy some fresh fruit and vegetables and then go to the wetherspoons and have a cup of tea. I really enjoy reading books which I usually fo if sat in the wetherspoons. I bought a 450 page book a week ago and I've read 400 pages already. I'm guessing it's a good time consumer and cheap at £1.50 from a charity shop. 

My parents are currently on holiday for a few weeks and this has been far more difficult for me than I thought it would have. I don't think I would have be tempted to go to the casino if I'd had some other company although I'm not putting the blame in any way on my parents. I feel I just suffer with loneliness and a void in my soul that gambling seems to always fit. 

Something I didn't mention in my first post is that I've unistalled YouTube on my phone because I'd quite regularly watch online slot videos that screamers had posted. I would justify watching them by saying it's cheaper than gambling myself but the reality is it just increases the desire to play myself. 

I think that's emptied my mind a little and gave me some goals for the day.

Thanks to anyone that reads this or replies. 

I'll be back tonight with a little update!

Have a great day!

@walliss77

Hey mate good for you for taking these first steps. I am 31 days GF and my toughest week was the first…but you seem to be doing the right things to make sure you don’t fall back into this dreadful habit (distracting yourself, deleting apps, using Gamban etc.). As Weirdfish said, keep that hate you’ve developed for gambling close, let it fuel your desire to be free of gambling abd use it as a tool and reminder when you have urges or negative thoughts. Also, make the habit of coming on here when its hard, when you feel like you might fall back into gambling…this diary is yours-use it!

I have found that writing out my thoughts when I feel vulnerable to gambling, or even when I have bad days mentally, has helped me get to the next day. This is a judgement free place, and a support group; many of us here are fighting just like you! Read other diaries for more perspective too as maybe that will help quell urges, or help you in seeking additional help when it’s needed. Who knows, maybe responding to others may help you too - it has certainly helped me.

Keep up the good work, stay positive and stay distracted! You can overcome this, and the life you will unlock, in time, will surely amaze you when you once again are in the drivers seat.

Hi Jbruce10

Thank you for responding and the great advice you have given. 

I think for so long I have believed that I'm in control of gambling when infact it's had me under it's control for as long as I can remember. I guess breaking through denial is one of the first steps of recovery.

I've looked in the mirror this morning and thought that I'm a good person who's worthy of a good happy life. Normally I couldn't stand to look at myself without absolute disgust and shame. When I think about myself I've got a heart of gold who would do anything to help someone, I'm caring, considerate and loving but when the gambling is active I'm none of these things. 

Self-care and building a loving healthy relationship with myself I believe is fundamental to abstinence from addiction and I'll work constantly to improve this.

Thanks for taking the time to reply to my previous post and hope you have a nice day.

@walliss77 

Happy to provide some perspective. I 100% agree with your comment about you being a caring, a loving and a kind person. Truth of the matter is, we are those people deep inside, but when an addiction takes our place, we forgot these values and importances in life - we tunnel and focus immensely on what our brain tells us our body needs in order to feed the addiction. It is a sickness at times, but like all sickness, it can be overcome and you can get better.

Keep looking in the mirror, daily; keep finding small, kind thoughts - and act on those. Small steps are all we can do at this point, but they amount to a journey to a better self and better self understanding. I have struggled a lot with the person I became when I gambled, verse the person I once was - who was kind, caring and loving. Today for instance, we had the first frost in Canada. Knowing I had to move my car so my wife could leave, I scrapped my car off, then decided I should scrap my wifes car off as she was leaving shortly. She sent me a text with a kiss emoji shortly after, thanking me...this is something that she hasn't done in a long time. It just shows that small acts of kindness, whatever they are, can go a long to help others. Eventually I think doing these deeds becomes normal and thoughtless, and when we are validated for them, or even for our successes, it really solidifies that feeling of happiness, purpose and a genuine feeling that we are doing better.

Keep at it because you matter and because you can be that kind, caring and loving person again!

Hi Jbruce10

Thanks for taking the time to follow the start of my recovery and reply with helpful advice.

I hope you've had a good day! 

Day 2 of my recovery. 

I've had a very good and productive day today. I went to the wetherspoons this morning and had a nice cup of tea and sat outside in the sun to read my book. I booked an eye test check up which I had been ignoring the letters for the last month and did some shopping in the local town market. I received a phone call from ARA gambling recovery to have an assessment and am booked in for consultation next week with counselling to follow. At work I had a good chat with my betting shop manager to discuss how I've been suffering and what steps I've taken/taking to improve my overall life and he was very understanding and happy that I'm taking that route because he was very concerned about my level of gambling. 

I'm very happy with how today has gone and have tomorrow off work.

I'll post everyday to check in and stay responsible for my actions

Thanks for all the support I'm receiving!

Thought i would share, JUST FOR TODAY
I WILL NOT GAMBLE Just for today I will try to live through this day only and not tackle my whole life problems at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I felt
that I had to keep it up for a lifetime. Just for today I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said,
that: "most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be." Just for today I will adjust myself to what is and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take each day as it comes and fit myself to it Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration. Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count; I will do at least two things I don't want to do - just for exercise; I will not show anyone that
my feelings are hurt - they may be hurt but today I will not show it. Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticize not one bit, not find fault with anything, and not
try to improve or regulate anybody but myself.
Just for today I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it.
I will save myself from two pests - hurry and indecision. Just for today I will have a quiet half-hour all by myself and relax. JUST FOR TODAY
I WILL NOT GAMBLE Just for today I will try to live through this day only and not tackle my whole life problems at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I felt
that I had to keep it up for a lifetime. Just for today I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said,
that: "most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be." Just for today I will adjust myself to what is and not try to adjust everything to
my own desires. I will take each day as it comes and fit myself to it Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort,
thought and concentration. Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count; I will do at least two things I don't want to do - just for exercise; I will not show anyone that
my feelings are hurt - they may be hurt but today I will not show it. Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticize not one bit, not find fault with anything, and not
try to improve or regulate anybody but myself.
Just for today I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it.
I will save myself from two pests - hurry and indecision. Just for today I will have a quiet half-hour all by myself and relax. During this
half-hour, sometime, I will try and get a better perspective of my life. Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is
beautiful and to believe that, as I give to the world, so the world will give to me. JUST FOR TODAY
I WILL NOT GAMBLE During this
half-hour, sometime, I will try and get a better perspective of my life. Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that, as I give to the world, so the world will give to me. JUST FOR TODAY
I WILL NOT GAMBLE

Hi Tazman,

Thank you for sending that. It brings back lot's of memories and as I've read that out so many times in meetings many years ago.

Day 3

I've had the day off work today and it's been payday today.

I've been feeling good today and didn't have any plans other than going to the dentist to have a filling replaced. I walked in to town early this morning to have breakfast and a cup of tea in the wetherspoons and stopped off in the charity shop to get a new book as I've just finished the last one. I chose to buy the autobiography of captain Tom because he's an incredibly inspirational person who's done alot of good and has been through a lot in his lifetime. The dentist was longer than I thought but went ok other than the £231 bill I was given at the end. The gambler in me would have definitely tried to win this back so it would be free but having tried this in the past it's most often cost me double or more plus the mental health fall out. After the dentist I went home and participated in a zoom meeting with recovery road online and did a share which I really enjoyed. It was nice to meet others who are further along the road I've decided to choose. I've also started my book which I'm really enjoying so far and had a little sleep which was much needed.

All in all it's been a positive day off with no payday disasters which makes a change. I'm working most of the day tomorrow but will check in as usual. 

Day 4

Today has been another positive day. I've been working most of the day in the betting shop and haven't had any temptation to bet. I think working in the bookies is somewhat of a deterrent if I focus on the long-term effects of gambling and don't become fixated on the wins that happen to punters at times. I've got a counselling session next week which I'm sure it will be very enlightening. 

Smashing it mate. It must be tough working in a bookies but in a way you see the huge loses. It’s rare you see a win, and I bet when you do, you see them back the next day. You know they will lose it. I think if you focus on that you are right. It could be a blessing. You see people in the grips of addiction. You see them win, you see them lose. Ultimately you see them everyday. You know the bookies win. 

Huge repsect on your journey so far. 💪

Thanks Weirdfish,

Today has been another busy 12hr day at work. I'm very pleased with how well I'm doing although I've been feeling a little irritable today. I'm trying to allow my feelings to exist without having to act out on anything destructive that alters them. I've really struggled with feelings and emotions during my life and it's as though I've not had the skills to deal with them. I was reading something that said that we have many feelings and emotions throughout our day and they resemble waves that come in and out if we allow them. It also said that they cause no harm and should be allowed to come and go without trying to alter them. This is something I'm really going to work on. What I'm really struggling with is the thought of working most of the next year to get back to zero. I have to forget about money because by thinking about it too much could lead me back to relapse. I keep telling myself if I just focus on my recovery to stay gamble free then the money will take care of itself. 

Am I on the right lines with my thinking?