My diary, my new life, my fightback

Posted by: holycrosser

A little voice in my head would tell me go get some excitement.I always wanted to win the debt back, anything I spent I wanted to win back 

Mate it's quite strange really, I've read so many diaries on here and you seemed to have summarised perfectly at least my urge to gamble... In ever such a succinct way... I think the bluntness by which you describe the process resonates with me as it was indeed just a blunt thought that turned into an urge and before I knew it I was in pieces. It always happened so quickly and it was like I was on auto pilot.

Taking back control of the cockpit has been a big thing for me in this battle. Tonight I attended a party and rather than get caught up in people pleasing and trying to be centre of attention I arrived, did what I wanted to do, spoke to who I wanted to speak to and then left when I felt ready. I was in control throughout, no pressure. 

Giving up gambling has helped me to get to know myself and become comfortable with my expectations, rather than living in the dark and just living up to other peoples expectations of me. GA has helped loads in this process.

Yeah I hear you about the boredom thing. It's funny, people that skydive and go deep sea diving and stuff I used to just think were silly, self-absorbed thrill seekers... Now I realise they are in fact the sensible ones and what I have described is in fact the problem gambler who refuses to confront his or her reality and instead runs from it... Using deluded outlooks and opinions of everyone else around them as part of the fabric that makes the wool which in turn covers the eyes. 

Life can be thrilling without gambling in it... Just give it time ?

massive set back in my life today...no gambling but,

£6k tax bill due to a scheme i was assured was bombproof turned to s**t., 

im f****d and not in a great place, i get married soon and i dont know what to do, i,m desperately trying to hide this from her as she is very vulnerable and hates debt but shes the only one who can help me and the truth must come out about this bill, my life is a disaster now.

Try and keep it together mate. Don't fall apart now. Be pragmatic.

Can you call HMRC and explain the situation candidly, maybe they can give you some grace and you can setup a payment plan of some sort? Then this will at least see you through until youre married... You can reassess things after that?

I don't know your situation regarding this mate so I'm just clutching at straws. However I have seen that people suffering with implications associated with financial institutions and the like have literally just called them up and explained their situation in full, no b******t, laying it down truthfully - and you'll be amazed how many of them will meet you halfway somehow.

At least try this mate.

All is not lost just yet - you need to navigate yourself out of this mire somehow.  Maybe once you've negotiated with the tax collector you could talk things through with your fiancée then, so even if you are unsuccessful in this attempt at least she will see you have been pragmatic and have tried to make amends for the misjudgments that you've made. What more can you do.

Keep your s**t together now.

Good luck.

thanks lads, I can’t be frank about the debt on here, it was a scheme I was assured was bomb proof but it appears not, the tax consultants have gone t**s up so for getting £1800 I’m left with a bill that will come in at £5400 plus fines and interest.

no matter what unless the lad who put me onto it can help I’m gonna need her help.

its only an investigation till 7th June I have to respond and then the fine will be issued, my mate negotiated 3 months, I may need longer.

i was in bits last night, she is stressed with our sons exam plus we argued bad, we are fine now but all this must come out soon, it’s 7 weeks till my wedding and I can’t do it now, I’m stressed to hell but it’s all to do with gambling.Thankfully I’ve not gambled but bare with me folks I need to sort this out, not a chance I can waste a penny.Massive 2 months in my life, I’ve no idea if she will stand by me, I feel terrible marrying her like this.

gutted.

Ok whatever you do just don't even contemplate gambling to get you out of a hole. 

This move could destroy you.

I know you've said you wouldn't do it anyway, but during periods of desperation the urge may strike. It's a crucial time in your life now - thank god you have given up gambling and this happened rather than still be gambling and this happened. Had it been the latter the consequences could have been dire.

Sounds like you need to get onto them and negotiate. Maybe play the wedding card and gambling issues - aim for 3-6 months. It will give you breathing space.

Try and get some kind of payment plan sorted which you can manage from them.

Tall to your fiancée - like ALN said, stick together on this. No more lies, no more secrecy. Don't give gambling a way back in. 

Best of luck 

Hi Holycrosser,

So sorry to hear about this set back. I wish i was qualified to give you financial advice but i aint im afraid. All i can do is repeat Signalmans advice, dont try and dig your way out  through gambling. No matter how bad things are right now they will get a whole lot worse if you go back to gambling.

Best Wishes

AL

I won’t be gambling mate, thing is my fiancé has the means to get me out of this but it’s all about coming clean.

either way Its a conversation that I’m dreading, that conversation many have advised me to have, I’m 50/50 at how it will g, she loves me so much but her best mate left a gambler and I just know she will be in her ear.ive no idea what to do, she could be my only hope

Trust yourself to do what's right and make the right decisions, whatever they may be. You can come through this mate ?

Posted by: signalman

Trust yourself to do what's right and make the right decisions, whatever they may be. You can come through this mate ?

I hope so, things in my life were planned and mapped out but this has ripped that up and could change my life forever.im hoping it doesn't. I never get a chance to just be normal.

Sorry to be a drama queen but it's on my mind 24/7 .

Sleeping is tough..

Lying next to me is my key to it all but I don't know how to tell her.a letter is something she'd do.face to face I'd have more emotion.need clarity on some stuff before I can talk.

Posted by: ALN

Have to be honest H, your reaction to this just seems to echo gambling mode. As mature adults when issues arise we discuss them. You have letters confirming what you are saying? She has the ability to hear the calls? View your online HMR&C account? 

Why such an over reaction. You face it square on and get on with it.

Whether she supports you is up to her to decide. It may not even come to a lump sum payment following discussion with them.

You can't just bury your head in the sand, and these thoughts will eventually lead you back into gambling.

ALN

 

Mate, I’m a complete worry wart at times and always think the worst, the gambling has me like this.Fair do’s I need to step back and calm down I know.

i promise I’m not going back to gambling though and today I remain gf...

i will post later how this goes but for the next few weeks I need to stay calm and yes deal with it.

100% not gonna get derailed on the non gambling 

If you tell her and she supports you through this it will feel like a huge weight lifted... That feeling as ALN has outlined to you is the feeling of dealing with things (finally) as a mature adult.

Cant remember how long you've been gambling for but it seems to be the case that the emotional maturity development is arrested around the time we CG's start gambling beyond sensible means.

So in the nicest possible way, the way you are going about your situation sort of signifies this emotional vortex. 

You have made a blunder. It won't be the first. It won't be the last. You are a human being. 

How do I put this nicely... Um...

Stop buying yourself time to devise some sort of epic 'get out of jail' plan where everyone's feelings are spared, she doesn't have to find out in the end, the situation sorts itself out somehow and you can walk around feeling like some kind of hero (apols but eventually decided to spare the niceties and put it to you as it was put to me when I was in similar waters - hope you take it the way it was meant)

Just talk to her.

Try not to live in the gamblers fantasy world. It's a very dangerous game you play. This is what ALN meant by you echoing the behaviour of a gambler right now.

We've all lived in that world, hence we are all on here trying to help each other catch up with ourselves emotionally.

You're not fooling anyone, probably only yourself ?

Go steady mate.

Whatever happens as a result of talking to her about it you need to deal with as a consequence, but you do need to talk to her. It's the right thing to do. You know this.

I was reading a chapter from Russell brands recovery book yesterday and he commented that in the throws of addiction your spirit knows it is doing wrong so it sends a lot of metaphysical signals to indicate to you that change is required - these signals are processed by the body and mind as fear, anxiety, distress, anger, self-loathing - all the usual suspects and can manifest as rough sleep, loss of appetite, isolation, headaches, moodswings and the like.

Think about your current situation and have a think about the above mate! ?

Oh it’s bang on and easy in theory pal.

everyone is different, I’m different, great advice and food for thought.