My diary, my new life, my fightback

Morning, ? . I’m not sure if you saw the post I left for Urgh but it’s worth reading back over your own diary at times like these . The early days in your struggle are a good reminder of how you thought then and of what brought you here ? . Your right that this is for life and gambling will try and plant a little thought in your head telling you that this time it will be different and that you’d be in control ? . The truth is........... “It Won’t “ , it will be the same as always and the cycle will begin again .   One day at a time and those thoughts will pass .       Take care ?

I’m alright mate, thoughts gone, done some housework and now out soon for a walk before off to the match .

no gambling for me 

Day 55.I remain GF.

Today I won't gamble 

No gambling today. No stress

55 days gambling free 

Bank holiday. Day planned with OH.no chance of any gambling today

56 th day I will be gf

56 days GF

Day 57 begins.back to work.

Had a minor thought yesterday, need to be on my guard.

57 days gambling free, actually had another gambling thought pop into my head today.

thats around 3 within a week, never acted but it came and went, I can’t let this creep back.

job done, day by day.

Hi Holycrosser 

You are doing great. Perhaps this is a dangerous point we are at - I am a week or so behind you- when the pain of our idiocy has receded and the brain starts playing tricks on us. It was about this time I relapsed last time.

 I think it will pass  and become less frequent. You are doing the right thing by getting those thoughts out in the open. Always remember why we can’t win. Because we can’t stop. Also remember the pain it has brought us. I’m right behind you. Keep strong.

Thanks mate. 

I told myself as a thought popped into my head about betting on the footy last night while out on a little walk..."No it won't end if you just have the 1 bet" quickly the thought  passed.Remembering the pain and that I promised myself never again was thankfully enough this time.

I'm concerned , I need to reconsider having control of my finances as I could relapse at any time.

Day 58 begins.dont ever think you have beaten this.one day at a time.

Hi holycrosser,

Thanks for your post on my thread. I read you're struggling with urges... I am glad to see that you're aware of them and already planning protective measures to help you stop making the wrong choice.

You know the outcome of gambling..we all do. There is no place for such hurt in our lives no more. You are in control of your choices, please make the right ones...you will be forever greatful to yourself as a result.

Well done on amazing achievement so far - keep them days coming, just a day at a time. It is enough and you're WORTH IT.

S&B xx

Day 59 and I will be gambling free, all urges gone away and reading some stuff on here helps

60 days begins and today I won't gamble

Hello mate

Urges are natural, part and parcel of this recovery process. I think they get easier to manage over time. 

All I can say is that personally, had I not put water tight blocks in place at the beginning and handed finances over, there may have been a time when I did succumb to those urges. Now, with some clean time behind me - I find the urges much easier to deal with.

I guess to me, not putting blocks in place and having finances at my disposal is just another gamble? Why gamble again after choosing to give it up? However as you've rightly mentioned elsewhere, this is your journey and your fight - employ whatever tactics you see fit.

Just bat those urges away when they come. You've done well so far, those urges are just thoughts, nothing more. You don't have to act on them if you don't want to. I can tell you that now as I approach a year GF, the problem was back at 60 odd days I was completely governed by my thoughts so would have acted on them - hence the blocks and relinquishing of finances. 

Thanks to people on Gamcare posting some really insightful stuff it has opened my mind to the potential of transcending my thoughts and easing myself into just 'existing' - basing my actions on right Vs wrong, morality, compassion and bringing joy to other peoples lives. In turn, my thoughts are not so corrupt anymore.

Gambling urges are corrupt thoughts incarnate.

I have a good feeling you're going to do this mate. Keep reading diaries, I have also found this a key player in my fight back.

And remember pragmatism alone may not be enough, we need to change the way we think as well as what we do.

Noone said this was going to be easy right? ?

What is/was your relationship to gambling? Mine was escape from a world I found (and still do find) overwhelming and confusing.

Posted by: Rob71

Perhaps this is a dangerous point we are at - I am a week or so behind you- when the pain of our idiocy has receded and the brain starts playing tricks on us. It was about this time I relapsed last time..

Yeah you've basically nailed it here Rob. The pain acts as an initial barrier to another bet (for the first 60 days the thought of making a bet would have made me nauseous) but like you say this pain starts to subside and the body and mind start to press you for another bet.

We need to find things to do that are fulfilling outside of gambling.

Anyway guess what guys, once you put a load of clean time behind you the pain is replaced with pride.

Pride becomes the driving force behind your recovery.

Keep going both of you.

Thanks for the advice signalman.

I am at that point, I'm pretty sure the mere fact I know that I can never gamble again will see me through.

You asked why I gambled...debt and boredom for the last 25 years in truth.A little voice in my head would tell me go get some excitement.I always wanted to win the debt back, anything I spent I wanted to win back ...weird eh.

Day 61 begins.im still GF and happy