My Diary - Restarted Fri 10 Sep 2010

blocked. . You ve lapsed again. . So what dust yourself down and start again mate. . You say you seen diaries disappear and fade away. . Dont look at it that way. . Look at long term diaries like gulls pwsm keith jac to name but a few (sorry if ive missed anyone) for inspiration mate. . Look at london bloke 28black (no offence lads) lapsed but still trying mate because they know they can do it. . You went 24 days not too long ago now get oot from hiding under them covers and show us you can do it. . 24 days and counting 1 day at time. I know you can do this. Chin up.

Hi Blocked

Sorry to hear about your lapse, but I think it's time you need to speak to someone and I think that someone should be your wife! You say your going to speak to your brother but if he already knows about this and it's still happening, then maybe he is not the right person. If your house is about to be reposessed and your wife doesnt know, it's going to kill her when they just turn up, please find it in your heart to tell her, her world is going to be turned upside down, and I think it should come from you, not some stranger knocking at the door! I feel for you so much and I know the sick feeling in your stomach of guilt because I,ve been there, but as I,ve said so many times in my post I felt better telling my partner even if he was going to leave me cause I felt I was freeing him from it, and if he chose to stay then I would fight to do this for him and with his help I,m doing it! 93 days clean! Thinking of you and hope you can beat this! keep strong x x

Hi Blocked

Sorry to hear about your slip. Been there recently too.

I have had to accept mine as part of the recovery process. It's done and can't be changed. I was told to think of not being back on day 1, but to treat it as a slip in my path to being gamble free.

I think it was either Freda or Jas in chat that also suggested to not count the days as that seems to pile on the pressure.

I no longer count the days and just try to stay clean one day at a time. The number of days "clean" is in the past, we can only affect the future.

Wish you all the best mate.

Take care

M

First thanks for all your replys and support on my latest fight. I will get round to visiting reading other diarys over the next few days.

Im busy at the moment getting ready to go home but have got a short time to update here. Spoke to my brother - told him what was going on - what happend. Very supportive. Then contact was made with the morgagte company. I was panic striken over this. Anyway some good news if you can call it that. I have saved any further action for repossesion of the house. Basicially as I had managed to maintain regular payments up until a few weeks ago they have agreed to split the arrears over 12 months plus the full monthly morg payment as from 1st March. Next week im passing over the money for this to my brother who will hold it until the direct debit is due to hit my wifes account. Im also having money that normally comes into my account changed so it credits my brothers account. He will then issue money as per needed per creditor. I need to cut away as much access as I can from readily available money. Still reeling over yesterday - but need to continue - flight to catch and things to do. But d**n if only I had not blown all that money and still had done the same deal with the morgagte today we would have had funds to pay other creditors. But its gone - aint coming back i know that. Still we dont loose the house so im happy for that. Yesterday was more than a slip for me, it was a big step back into my world of compulsive gambling. I dont want to go back to last night ever. Thanks again to all for being here when I need it most. One day I hope to return that. Blocked.

Just out of the chat Rob said this

"Whats gone is gone ...letting go .. very important part of recovery"

This struck a cord with me today - so just wanted to share. Thanks Blocked.

i liked when i read that somewhere elce too...even though it is awful..the money we lost...and i tryed to win it back the last few weeks i went crazy hugh amounts of money....the b*****d kept taking the money and telling me to come back try again...thanks god it is all over...even if the money is gone....

best wishes

Micheal

Well just got to pack my bag then heading home early tomorrow for a week or so. Gotta get back out here in around 7 or 8 days time. Been a strange heavy day - felt hungover - didnt eat much - work output low. I have spent quite a bit of time here today reading up on others, posting somwhat. Just got an email alert from my bank that they have posted a letter to my online account. I dread this always ... another charge or worse. Dont have guts to check it yet will do later. I have to re-start today and contine my recovery. Im happy at least I was honest here. If not honest here where else could I be ? especially as most of my life is built on a Massive pack of lies deceit and dishonesty. No drinking tonight. Having cup of tea and will stomach some food later then try get some sleep. Long day in the morrow. This site really does so much- god knows what I would do without this crutch. Thanks all Blocked.

Hi Blocked,i am very sorry to read that you have had such a nightmare of late,i think i have said on your diary previuosly that working away as you do leaves you more vulnerable than many other people,and ,you have lots of other things going on at the moment with the house worries etc,i can see what turmoil you are in.The biggest burden i lifted in my life wasn't stopping gambling,it was telling my partner about my problem,i know you haven't told your wife,i do think though that you should,i'm sure she will support you 100%,and that will be the greatest help you will get in beating the illness that all of us on here share.Best wishe's.

Seano.

Hi Blocked

The two pieces of advice i remember from the start of my recovery at first seem to contradict eachother.but they have worked for me m8.

1. Is what Rob said to you what is gone is gone let it go.

2. Remember when you get urges how you feel now.

My own piece of advice m8 would be treat it like you have split up with a long time girlfriend.Remember only the bad bits ,the pain she caused you and having no money left lol.Dont dwell on the good times it takes longer to get over her.

Wierd outlook m8 i know but it works for me.

You will beat this addiction Blocked.I know you will. Iwasnt a great gambler but im not a bad judge of character. Start working on it again kid (even harder).It will pay off all the best Jeff.

Heading home this morning. d**n flight seems delayed though by 45 mins. Slept short but well last night. Got caught up late watching a louis theroux documentary about Las Vegas. It was somwhat depressing to see 1 fella he was following, who was all buzzed up arriving in vegas and within a short time was 10 grand up. Later that night louis theroux caught up with him. When he asked how he was doing the 10k had gone plus aound another 20k - this bloke looked stressed and lost. They followed him around the tables trying to chase his losses - was agony to watch as I have been in that same space as he has. One thing at the end of the program stuck a cord - louis theroux said "When winning gambling makes perfect sense ... " which I suppose is true and why I always get suckered in by my desire to get that winning feeling. But of course there is the problem. 98 times out 100 its the other way round. Interesting documentary though. Well another day im still here. No gambling today. Thanks again to all for you support the pst 24 hours. Onwards Blocked.

Hi Blocked

Was sorry to hear about your lapse, its no comfort but its not that unusual at about the time you were at in your recovery,So lomg as you get back up and start again it can only get better.

I had many slips at the start and only truly stopped once I shared my problem with my husband.

Take care

W x

Wow blocked

you only lost 98 times out of 100 .For me it was 99.5 times lol .Hope your feeling better m8.Jeff.

Arrived home safe - absolutule shattered but otherwise OK. lol Jeff yeah I got a good strike rate of around 98% against me. Thanks also W for your post on my diary. Im to tired to make replys and catch up but I will do in the morrow. No gamble today. Night all and keep going. Blocked.

Its been a few days since my last lapse. Its gone quickly with no real time to think about gambling options. Its good to be back home and we have a busy weekend lined up with famil stuff and such like so im going to use that to ensure I stay gamble free. Its not an achievment as there is very little money around after my blow out earlier this week.

I shudder when I think back to that and am still kicking myself over allowing myself to be pulled back into the casino. So what next ? I have to really work out how I can ensure I dont slip again. Some people do feel limited gaming is ok for them. For me its not. A real no go area. I bet can spell instant doom. I really hope to be able to get onto chat tonight but not sure I will make it as we have a house full of kids this evening.

blocked. . Your home now. . Get that money over to your brother straight away. . It was nt just good news about your mortgage mate. You have been helluva fortunate to dig yourself out of "another" hole gambling has brought you. . Maybe its time to tell your wife. Most people on here feel the pain of telling there loved one but reading through the diaries its certainly helped them. .as someone has pointed out working away from home is triggering your problem mate. Sorry for the rant but you are a decent bloke and i just know you can do it mate. . Keep it going you WILL do it of that i am confident.