My Diary - Restarted Fri 10 Sep 2010

hi blocked

hope your doin ok

Im sure you have heard this before but as you know we cant win and so few do win gambling even those pro card players are only a handful of millions that are playing..and i read most of them are single and have very difficult lives...you would have a better chance taking up tennis lol.

The money is gone.As you know i havent told my wife ...the pressure of trying to hold it all together is very difficult.Start to imagine what life we be without gambling..it will be great! but will take time but is very possable...

I think im on day 12 now...if i gamble now..i know my life will just get worse...and worse...im in a bad enough place already

maybe be more open with your brother if he rang you everyday for a few months and tell him the truth if you think that would help..just an idea

best Wishes

Micheal

Went to work in the office today. Felt stressed about a number of issues crawling out the woodwork - most related to my gambling in the past year. Stuff I dont need to go into here. Started ok today have no gambled and dont feel like doing so. Just that d**n awfull financial fallout. What In gods name have I DONE ... my brain keeps saying. At least I suppose i gotta be happy that im awake to my gambling problem ... but cant help thinking is it to little to late ... if Only I had being here a year ago commited to stop things would have been much better. Thanks micheal42 & winningpost for your supportive messages 🙂

Hi Blocked.

Thanks for your posts on my diary mate. You are a top bloke taking the time to post on my diary when you are having such a tough time yourself.

I really respect the way you keep on fighting mate. Don't give up the fight.

Blocked--is'nt funny how when we feel c**P after losing a lot, the feeling, although really bad tends to fade away and soon we start to feel urges again. I lost count of the number of times I went to bed feeling so low and totally disgusted with myself and thinking what the heck I was going to do and how I must not gamble again---then in the morning things felt better and my mind was clearer so I made the obvious choice to gamble again!!!oh how I miss those carefree days-NOT!!!!

After your recent lapse although your posts did sound almost desperate at times, I also think I detected that wonderful sound that I experienced myself last December after 36 years of utter stupidity----THE PENNY DROPPING.

Everybody knows that a gambler cannot win in the long term---everybody that is except us the compulsive never say die gamblers who think that nobody else has a clue and of cause it is worth doing it over and over again--sound familiar?

Hopefully this lapse will be the catalyst to your long awaited successful recovery from this illness. I sincerely hope that you will now have the stregth and courage to see this through.

I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP

BUT

I CANNOT LOSE IF I DO NOT START

Stumper

Thanks all again for messages of support and yes Stumper slowly the penny is dropping albeit a very very expensive penny to drop 😉

Was tense in the chat room tonight up and down convos but good to get stuff out in the air - it cant all be smiles and soft sounding chat. Im thankfull afterall i was in the chat room.

Another one of those bet free days. I lapsed and am back again on my recovery. Oh boy time to relax. Night all - Blocked.

enjoyed your presence in chat tonight Blocked. Hope you are feeling less depressed tomorrow, as you mentioned it had been a down day.

It is funny because I didnt feel the tension tonight! It felt healthy to me, people expressing themselves honestly. I wish we could get down to the nitty gritty more. Thats just me 🙂

I think people use chat for different reasons... The longer-standing members maybe feel they can pass on the benefit of their experiences. Some people find this preachy. I think some just go into chat for a bit company and to distract themselves, so they dont want a heated debate!

Anyways, hope you have a brill weekend my dear.

Take care,

f x

Busy day today with kids related stuff. Last few days have gone quick. Even though I aint gambled since my last lapse not sure if it could be called making progress. I have some small money in the bank but nothing really big to tempt me back. Another test comes up this next week when money arrives. Since re-starting my recovery i have had many more days bet free than I have gambling which is somthing. 3 Lapses I think the past 6 weeks or so. Thanks Freda for your reply and support glad you didnt feel the tension in the chat last night 🙂 Ok gotta run things to do that do not include gambling.

In my book mate 3 lapses in 6 weeks is not bad if you think that before that you were probably gambling everyday. If you have not gambled since your last lapse it has to be progress. Before you were gambling without thinking but at least now you are thinking about things--just not hard enough yet to stop yourself from doing it. Whilst I have not gone into a bookies, casino or onto a gambling website I have today given my son some money as he is going to specifically bet on one horse--is that a lapse do you think? I was in full control of my thinking when I gave him the money and it is he who is going to bet not me. I am sure that some would see this as a personal lapse but I do not and it is not changing my thinking in that I do not want to return to my ways of being a compulsive gambler again.

Have a great weekend.

Stumper

Hi Blocked

I think every day you dont gamble is progress m8. Just wanted to drop by and tell you to stay strong .the weekend is here but you will get past it Jeff.

Hi Blocked.

Good to see you in chat last night mate. Good to see you are keeping yourself busy and away from the clutches of gambling.

Thanks for your continued encouragement it is much appreciated.

Hi blocked, thanks for posting in my diary. Glad you are doing better the last few days. 3 lapses in 6 weeks is much better than gambling every day which is what u most likely would be doing if u didn't find this site. I am happy with progress in my recovery. Even though I have been on and off gambling in the last year,I have had over 6 months in total bet free. Before last year my record was a month. So I am gradually improving! Every recovery is different and u should be happy even with gradual improvement. Glass half full and all that! All the best in ur recovery.

Had a good day yesterday. We were out watching our youngest at a Street Dance compition with her "crew" they WON 🙂 And even made it into the local newspaper - next to London for semi finals. I felt about 300 years old with all the young uns jumping around on stage. Did not think of gambling at all while we were out there for the whole day. In the past I know 100% that even though I would have enjoyed it I would have been clock watching and wondering when It would end so I could get online to have a gamble. What kind of father is that ? Yesterday I felt progress when i arrived home as I thought about the above. It felt good. Days like yesterday I think d**n I really can beat this addiction. And yes chipper More days gamble free than gambling in the past weeks. I might have other lapses - im aware of them, but in being aware im arming myself with the know how of hopfully how to cope with the urges and leave them at the "urge" stage without following through with the usual pattern which is :

Urge to gamble -

Justifaction in my own mind -

Find some excuse to ease my guilt -

Choice made -

Deposit -

Gamble -

Loose -

Depressed -

I dont want to follow the above path anymore. Onwards and thanks to all the replys over the past 24 hours. Keep strong. Blocked.

Just a quick note : In the past when i was up early with rest of house alseep I would use this time to gamble online. As that has gone now I had to look for things to do instead, especially weekends when work load is lower. Just spent 20 or 30 mins here reading , replying etc. Filled a gap, allowed me to learn a little but more about this addiction and I didnt try to gamble 😉 As we have a few quid (not spare as it should go on debts) instead of today me trying that good old "LETS DOUBLE OUR MONEY" im taking kids N wife for sunday Lunch. Got to try at least to be romatic on Valentines which imho is a rip off but wife would butcher me if i said that. Stay strong all I feel good this morning 🙂 Blocked.

Hi Blocked,thanks for the post on my Diary,as you know i read yours on a regular basis,and i am willing you to remain free from gambling,you seem even more determined at the moment.I understand 100% about the clockwatching when out with family,i did it for years,i would make every excuse you could imagine to avoid family outings etc,just so i could gamble....,i am ashamed of that,it is an insidious and horrible illness that we all share.

Best regards,

Seano.

PS, enjoy your meal,i'm sure it will be great for you,and more importantly the wife and kids :).

Hi blocked--your posts today are much more positive. Well done mate on putting the family first and gambling nowhere. Progress always feels good when you are heading in the right direction. If you have a small lapse--just dust yourself down, take a deep breath and carry on going forwards.

Proud of you and for you mate

Stumper