My Diary - Restarted Fri 10 Sep 2010

Hi Blocked.

Great to see you enjoying an extended gamble-free period. Keep your guard up at all times and do not forget the pain of those losses. You can do this blocked.

Get well soon mate!

blocked. . Bit concerned that you hacked into your computer. Thats what worries me i dont have clue about computers and if they can be "got at" especially my personal files then its defo a no no for a lap top for me.. . maybe some gremlins still inside you but with the help and support on these diaries im sure you can go all the way my friend. . Hope your well and still abstaining. . We can do this mate. wp

Blocked--nearly 2 weeks since your last post mate. Hope all is well. I see you said on 1st March that you were putting things on twitter but do not know how that works mate. Still had slates when I was at school!

Hi Blocked

I dont know if you are still using this diary.Just wanted to let you know that people on here are still rooting for you.

Let us know how you are doing .All the best Jeff.

Hi blocked.

Hope all is well mate. Not sure if you are still checking these pages. Hope you have found another way of beating your gambling addiction and that you do not need the diaires anymore.

There is plenty of support here for you though if ever you need it.

Its been a very long time since I have had the stomach to view these pages. And more so my diary. Its very very painful to read as at 1 point I did seem to be doing well. For some reason I dropped away. Just like that. Cant even remember the exact day - or date probably just after my last diary entry.

I even thought a moment about opening a whole new gamcare account, under another name - but stopped. That would just be more lies - more decite. If I cant be honest here then where can I be ? I am touched also by reading how some of you here checked in on me asking how I was ... just reading some of the replys now.

Im in a very strange place at the moment. Yes I have gambled and quite heavily. The overall amount of money i have lost was somwhat curtailed by some wins. But I have felt the spiral again and this time deeper than before. My work is affected, my head is affected my well being also. And with big changes going on in my job I need somhow to be clear inside.

It will take a while for me to get everything down here and Im not really going to try today. There is no point in saying this is day 1 again etc becuase its not. I have not come here for sympathy and neither have I come here to be blasted for my failures (I very very much doutb that would happen))

But I am back, and I am commited yet again to try and rid myself once and for all of my addiction. Got lots of reading to do, felt like I let alot of people down on here. I certainly have let myself down. My family down. My kids etc. More soon. Blocked.

Just re-installed betfilter an hour or so ago after spring cleaning my labtop. My other pc has been protected for a few months with Gambloc. Writing as it comes thats all ....

Hey Blocked

Great to hear from you kid.Unfortunatley not under great circumstances.But you know we are all here to help you fix that.Im glad you have kept this same diary m8.I can say one thing you have always been honest.Lets get you back on track m8.All the best Jeff.

Ps you havent let any of us down all your old friends are still here and still willing to help you in any way.

Had a sleepless night - same worrys - financial. Inability to stop gambling. I have to be determined to stop. I need to get through today without gambling. I have some cover with the blocking software and no access to other pcs as working from home the next week or so. Not a good start to the day .... here i am again and again.

Just went for a walk - very hot here today. Dont feel like working 😉 I was crunching numbers in my head of the financial commitments I need to cover the next few days. I realised how draining this is. Trying to cover whats lost, trying to justify the loss in your head. Dodging the bullet so to speak.

I want rid of this tired worn out feeling once and for all. Wont gamble today but honest truth is its becuase I cant. All machines blocked. I never play at bookies and closest one is 12 mils away at least -) so im safe on that front. Wonder how I will feel tomorrow. Oh and got pretty drunk last night. Not good. Makes that depressed feeling even worse the next morning. Drinking water by the gallon today. Onwards....

We have to fail to succeed mate--failed times myself but at the moment I am succeeding. Hope you can chose the right turns on life's road over the next few weeks and months. The last six months have seen me go through a kind of metamorphosis that I could never envisaged in the past so there is no reason why this should not be your time to finally change--I really hope it is.

I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP

All the best

Stumper

Have to agree again Stumper

I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP

I think I have proved the above point on more than 1 occasion the past 2 months.

So what happned ? I started gambling again. Not as heavy as before but gambling is gambling. I hit a very good (or bad depending on which way you look at it) Streak. Money rolling in daily from winning here there n everywhere. I know gamblers all have hard luck storys - im no different but i will be honest the roll felt good. Pumped money into the house, paid deposits on holidas - covered gaps from past losses. I was up week in week out. But then the stress kicked in. A few losses here n there, i began to chase, I didnt chase in 1000s but I chased. A few more wins then last week crash. Again not for 1000s but it was a crash that caused me headaches and worry for a few days. I knew then if I continued that I would spiral, that the losses would quickly mount up again and that the debt related to gambling would shoot up. I have always wanted to quit in the past when im on a very bad low, e.g after loosing 3 or 4 or 5 grand in a session. This time it was different, and actually think im probably a few k up on the past few months but i knew it was and is dangerous. Its one thing I have learned in my long and may attempts to quit.

So its all a bit confusing at the moment as im not depressed with loosing xxx££££ but just the whole thing about gambling itself.

I can never gamble in a sensible way ever and the huge deposits I made could have easily lost. And I know that sooner or later they will loose. Still working through why im back on the wagon. But today now at the end of a longggggggg day I feel good about it. Sorry for the long rant. Just words coming out. Cheers All Blocked.

First off Blocked, no need whatsoever to apologise, gambling is not a demon that is beaten in one sentence, although Stumper's is very good indeed!

Personally I find the act of writing itself is cathartic, putting my thoughts in order so they are coherent on the page helps me with the sorting out of the thoughts and their priority.

Your description of being on a roll hits home, the buzz of winning is what will have hooked most people to start with.

Although you mention that you can't remember slipping back into the habit itself, if you can quit now and make it stick, you don't seem to have dug yourself too deep yet, and not doing so is one in the eye for the bookies.

Hope you can keep being as honest as you were here, deceit and denial were what led me to rock bottom.

All the best mate, stay strong.

Ryan

Thanks for the comments Leedso - i know very to well about deceit and denial.

Today though feels good. Didnt really think much about gambling yesterday at all. Also maxed with work. I do know I have a real chance now of quitting if I can keep my head clear. I wont be gambling today. And tomorrow .. well i think it will be the same. I think it will be time soon to show my face on evening chat this weekend somtime 😉 Have not been in there in a long time apart from a few mins yesterday. Stay strong all. Blocked.

Good attitude at the moment mate-stay focussed as if you really want something it is easier to get.

All the best

Stumper