My Diary - Restarted Fri 10 Sep 2010

BlockedOut,

I read your diary this morning. It is a sad story. It is a familiar story no more than many on these boards. I had a couple of things to say to you, if I may:

1) From what I have learned and people have told me, this recovery is about really wanting to give up gambling and looking to change in order to make that happen. In your early posts, you made regular reference to the time spent gambling (ignore the financials for the mo)... that time was at the expense of your work, your family, your well being. You clearly want to give up.... just need to remember that when those darn urges come along.

2) Talk to your wife. She is going through hell at the moment. The facts are that you have caused this and you need to stand up, have broad shoulders and talk with her openly. Believe me it is bloody difficult !! (still is painful for me), but as much as it sounds contradictory, it will help YOU hugely.

3) GA sets an intial 90 day target as being the first hurdle for the initial "one day at a time" phase. On a positive note, I think they are right. If you can just get through TODAY without a bet, that's all you have to do. If today is difficult, break it down into 1/2 day or hourly etc.. Just get through today !! Believe me, as tough as it sounds, clarity will come and it is a great feeling. (don't get me wrong, i'm not there, but how I feel after 105 days of recovery and talking with my wife is massively different to before. My story was sooo similar to yours).

The future is bright, BlockedOut, it really is. Join me.

P.s. I'm not on drugs or a religious freak etc... just a normal bloke who gamlbling turned into a liar, thief, deceiver etc...

Brian

This time last week I was about to start on one of my biggest lapeses of the year. Im so angry at what I did. Why ? Feel very down this morning. No energy. Absolute silence in the house between me and my wife. The children are distressed even though they are trying not to show it. Maybe I need to leave. I have to go abroad anyway soon due to personal commitments - might be good to push that forward. I feel sick at the thought of my gambling which i suppose will keep me in good stead for today at least. As I know I wont be repeating last weeks oh so clever idea!

A note also of thanks for those of you who are giving me support. I do read all replys - somtimes though I have nothing good in return to give back. Im sorry about that. Its not a good day feel like breaking down.

Hi Blocked,

Just re-read your diary since your lapse, you are doing great at the minute. It is only natural that you are going to beat yourself up over things mate, trust me I do it every minute of every day, but at the end of the day, you have made a massive mistake and are trying to put things right. You realise you have a problem and you HAVE TO STOP. It wont be easy, there will be major hurdles to overcome, but for your family and for your own sanity it MUST STOP NOW

I really hope you keep it together mate, do it for your wife and kids, you deserve happiness and time does not stand still, give up gambling and very quickly, you will be in a much much better place

Take care

Blues

Hai Blocked! Stay strong hai, things are very raw for you at the moment, over time this is going to heal like the old saying! The baeting up of our selves become more vicious after yet another fall, i know this to well!! Easier said than done, but the 'why' question is somthing we all ask, and guess what? theres no logical answer what so ever! Now's the time, as hard as it may be but start looking ahead, you know its going to make time and a real shixtty vulnerable time for you, but hai you're going to get there............

This 'recovery' is about YOU as mine is about 'ME', so no feeling bad about no offerings in return! From reading you're diary from the past can see the support you've given to others and once feeling better about your self, well then it will be time to support others who are in the place your in at the moment........

Get through the day mate, occupy you're mind, catch up with pal's family, keep busy....... no energy, but push on........ Onwards we go..........

Hi Blocked,i don't post as often these days,i have just caught up with your recent posts,i am sorry that thing are bad right now,i sincerely hope that this time you can start to beat this horrible addiction ,and get things back on track with your wife.

Seano.

thanks all for your support.

Lol it goes now from terrible to unreal. Just had a MASSIVE and very Nasty shouting match with my wife. I threw some money at her for food and such like. Not clever not nice. She storms upstairs screaming that "Im going down!!!" eff knows what she meant. Gotta get out of the house like now or it will turn really ugly. In the midst of all this I have to stay strong. I wont gamble today that can not and will not be the answer.For the first time I am contemplating that divorce is now a very real possibility. So anyone reading this take heed. If you gamble like I did this is where it ends up. You loose everything. And not just money. Dont go there you will end up like me. DO NOT GAMBLE EVER!

Urge was so strong tonight. Hell all around me at home. Just to say Florence from the Netline - THANK YOU! TODAY I DID NOT GAMBLE.

Dust myself off and onwards to another day bet free. Wow that was close but I OVER CAME THE FGGING URGE !!! For that I am going to award myself 1 Browny point. Gamcar team thanks for here when I need you most! For tonight over and out.

Blockedout, wanna be the first to congratulate you on fighting the urge to go and P*** away the hard work your putting in to quit. The worst times are when issues like you had earlier with family start to stressing you out and you just need an outlet..that outlet is the same for us and I wanted to say f****n well done for hanging in there.

Stay strong and all the best. Promise.

Thanks for taking the time to read and post on my diary. I sincerely hope that things work out for you and that things become better at home. I don't know why people do bad things like gambling, I don't know why I do, but if we can get through tomorrow then hopefully we will be 1 day closer to a better future.

Cr@P day yesterday all round. Spent most of it out of the house. Came home more fights - arguments. Spoke to gamcare netline - was really helpfull. Was mid way downloading a casino - then stopped. What was I doing ??? Didnt gamble. Felt bad I came close. Not sure what difference it will make though at the moment. All I know is I dont wanna go back there.

Sorry to hear of your bad day blocked....why were you tryin t download a casino ???...thought you had the barriers in place...well done for not gambling though...ive Had them low days....today is a different day....now get out there and think POSITIVE ...only YOU can do this..

Feel very depressed today. No doubt in part due to the build up of alchol in my body. Only part im kind of glad about is the fact have not gambled the past days. Everything else is to the wall. Managed to push the phone bill back another week so the line stays on. Everything else is just left out there rotting. house everything. Without the unity of me and my wife nothing is getting sorted.

I really did not need this in my life not now. She is downstairs - we dont speak. She did not take the money I gave. How i will cope with a marrige break up and trying to stop gambling I do not know. They are though in everyway linked. I will get through another day without gambling thats for sure.

Spent alot of time on here until the early hours of this morning. Reading , posting a bit. Couldnt sleep. When I did finally go to bed it was restless - tormented with weird dreams. None about gambling but about old freinds and former girlfreinds. I was trying to get there attention, we were on a train somwhere and they just ignored me. Mind games. Woke up and stepped right back into my real world nitemare. Sorry for the downer of a post. Have to be honest though at least here if no where else.

Am no expert but think you need an appointment with your g.P mate...if you are so far behind with debts etc. Give citizen advice a shout...they know loads financial aids ..that should keep your mind off any gambling thoughts 😉

Blocked, really feel for you and hope you get through this. The only advice I can give is that gambling will make things 100000 times worse mate both financially and mentally. You WILL NOT WIN, that is one thing that I can personally guarentee. Even if it takes going to a quiet pub somewhere with a paper for a quiet pint, do it. Take you mind off the troubles mate. This may not help, but now is not a time for you to be stubborn, talk to your missus mate, try your damndest, because then, if everything does go belly up, you wont have any what ifs?

Take care

Blues

Hello Block..... Things are definitely hard for you at the moment mate, stamp on the ground! you're not going any lower......... With gambling its 1 day at a time and pretty much the same with lifes shxt. Things are still very raw from last fall, so the gambling is 1st and foremost of your battle, YOU KNOW hai!! The head will get clearer the longer you stay away from the gambling, give the drink a rest....... the clearer the head things will make sense of things a bit more. The situation with wife and financial issues there not going to go away and unfortunately no quick fix but take things 1 step at a time...... You can do this block and you can come out the other side, maybe hard to see at the moment, but believev me stay focused and determined.... Give the old Dr a call, wont hurt hai, keep the mind occupied.......... Willing you on buddy... onwards