My Diary - Restarted Fri 10 Sep 2010

Day 3 of my new recovery. No gambling. Yesterday was one of those very easy days. I only thought 1 or 2 times about gambling. But for the most part was kept busy with family stuff. Got hit by a CCJ the first in over a decade for me - that really depressed me. The reality of the mess have caused. And I have no way financially to sort it within the given 30 day period. That was one of the few times yesterday I thought about gambling ... should I try to win the money to pay that debt. How sad. But I didnt.

Morning Blocked,

Thanks for the post on my diary.

It's so true that when you try forget the heavy financial losses that your recovery from this addiction truely begins. In my case back in April 2009 my finances were shot, I knew they were, I knew it was all down to my gambling. I knew it was time to try to climb out of this financial mess which was fuelling my gambling desire to "win it back". I could never win it back because I just can't stop.

I don't know what your financial situation is Blocked but what i do know is there is always a solution to every problem. You definitely sound, from your posts, that you want to begin your recovery from this and for that reason you should feel very proud. Where have you got to in sorting out your finances Blocked? Have you taken any debt management advice? If you go to netline and chat to an advisor I believe they can give you links to organisations which will be able to help you out. It will get sorted...the finances that it...but most importantly you need to get better. This is an illness Blocked and it takes a long time to recover...you've got all the time in the world. Believe me...from the mess i was in last year to now things have really improved. Yeah, still think about gambling but I now rationalise this behaviour...i know it's wrong and in doing this I have remained gamble free.

Your debts will get paid Blocked. Take it really easy. Day by day 🙂

Jas x

Morning Jasmine, thanks for the reply. My finances stand at around 65k in debt ... and yes I have done the "try win it back /pay it back" cycle tons of times. It naturally never worked. I am tomorrow going through all paper work with my work partner and will be making alot of calls to try stabilise the situation and at least start making an offer on nominal payments.

Its good you can rationalise with the desire to gamble - keep that up! Im in the early stages of the battle again ... but day 3 i suppose is better than saying I gambled like a maniac the past 3 days 😉 All the best Blocked.

Me again....just a thought Blocked.

We borrowed against our home...low interest rate 7.9%...got it for 7 years though but am 9 months into that already. Don't know how you are fixed...property wise.. but it may be something you might want to consider? In our case, because of P's work we cant have any bad credit stuff so this was the only solution..apart from selling up. If you want to know who we borrowed through please post on my diary. i know it's a massive risk having a loan secured but what's riskier than gambling??

It's good you are getting it sorted. really pleased for you.

Jas x

Hi Jasmine one thing I havent done is borrow on the house and even if i wanted to as I now have one of the lowest credit scores in the history of mankind I couldnt even borrow a pint of milk 😉 I need to dig out of this with my own money ... even if it takes a decade. All the best blocked.

Through and clear today (day 3) without gambling. If I let myself think about it to much - the actual process of gambling which for me is online casinos, then I would slide yet again. Read a few pages of a few diarys, some very long recovery storys to be had. Some time soon I might write my own story of how i started gambling all those years back as kid. Not ready for that yet as its hard enough facing the present and the recent past.

Did and do feel depressed this evening. That is when I gamble most. The bright flashing lights and the off chance I hit a big win. I wont tonight im 100% sure of that. Lets see what day 4 brings.

Had a big urge to gamble after coming on here. Depressed. Didnt gamble - went to the netline spoke some. It passed. Hate myself for thinking and feeling this way. Still i did not and will not gamble tonight.

Day 4 :

Had a bad moment last night so went to talk to the netline here, they helped. I then spent half an hour in the live chat. Didnt gamble and switched down the pc shortly after. Had a rough night as kept waking up again worried about the debts. The phone rings early each morning, creditors chasing me.

Later today I have a meeting to go through my paper work and will try put some kind of plan in place to start re-paying all the debt I have run up in the past 13 months gambling.

I know if I could put as much energy into that problem as I do my gambling then with time I could start to see some light.

Today I will NOT gamble.

Hi BlockedOut,

Looks like you have had a tough few days, but you have got through them by not gambling, so that is definitely something to feel good about. If you have an urge to gamble, there will always be someone to talk to, who will maybe help you to realise that there is something better that you could be doing right there at that moment. Whether it be a friend, partner, family member, netline advisor or Gamcare forum poster. Keep that in mind.

We all have our dark days, thinking about how to pay the money back that we owe. I found that sitting down with someone (my gf in my case) and finding out exactly what I owe to who, was a good help. I contacted my creditors, with still some negotiations going on, to work out how I will pay my debts back. Over time, I can see that I will be able to repay what I owe. Perhaps if you can take some stps towards gaining a realisation of what you owe, and how you can pay it back, this will help you in some way. But maybe not; everyone is different. You have taken some steps to get over this problem, which I really admire you for. Well done for beng honest about your problem, and for setting yourself on the road to recovery. I believe you CAN do this. Here's to another gamble free day for us both.

All the best,

Alan

Day 4 part 2 :

It has been a good day today. I spent the whole day in the office with my brother and I finally opened a stack of letters from credit card companys loans etc. Almost all of them had a phone call from me, a few had small payments made and almost all bar 3 are now set up for monthly payments via direct debit/standing order. More importantly I managed to save my current account which was vital to allow me to set up the payments.

A few of the creditors were real as@oles refusing my small payments that I wanted to do there and then. So in anger I wrote them a letter telling them how much I could afford to pay and included a postal order with the first payment for each one. Really dumb of them to refuse to at least start taking back the money i owe. But hey thats me ranting. Finally I also managed to stop a CCJ being made against my name. Spoke to the solicotor dealing with the debt and he will hold on the judgment so long as I keep payments. That was one I was really worried over. That would affect me for 6 years. Now at least I have a chance and if i dont gamble I could repair my credit rating within maybe 12 to 18 months.

I really feel today I have somthing to work for. I cant gamble becuase if i do everything will blow at the bank. Its going to be tight as hell but I really I am determined to get through this. Positve feelings for me right at the moment. Onto day 5!

Thanks aberdeenlad for the post on my diary its true about finding out exactly what you owe ... I have a clearer head now. All the best to all Blocked

Hi Blocked,

it's great to see your positivity shining through your posts.

Day by day...they all add up...and remember us c.g's CAN'T WIN BECAUSE WE CAN'T STOP.

Keep posting and well done on facing the debt, good work Blocked. It's a bloody difficult thing to do, I know, because I had to do it myself.

Jas x

Day 5 : Up early to head into the office to work. Safer there as it is impossible to access any online casinos from that point. I have my desktop facing out so my screen is visible by all now. This morning is important to me as we had some funds in. Normally I would desposit £xxx and gamble. Instead I made micro payments of a few creditors.

The wife is leaving for a short break with her family today. Things not so good between me and her right now. Pressure of debt affects everything. Still she dont know of all that is going on with my battle to stop gambling , hell she dont even know I started again.

That said im still feeling postive after yesterday and actually had a good nights sleep with only waking up 1 time thinking about the debts. I know that today I will NOT gamble. Good thoughts to all

Hi blocked out, I can see how hard you are trying to win over this addiction. It does make things harder when worrying so much about debts. I also have a lot of debt through gambling. I went to a company called payplan and they arranged smaller repayments with my creditors. They agreed to stop charging interest on my debts. It is easier if you go to them as they do everything for you and you dont need to worry about phone calls from banks etc. This can give you at least a years breathing space. After that if you can afford to pay more money you do that. If not you just tell them you are still in the same financial position and cant afford to pay more but will when you can. This is working well for me so far. It also means you wont be getting any more ccjs. Hope this can help you as it has helped me. Just look them up on google. Best of luck to you

Hi Bex123 thanks for the heads up on payplan. I have discussed similar options with the national debt helpline. At the moment I am going to try resolve / clear debt without any kind of mngmt plan in place. It is possible I can do this over the course of around 16 months but this is fully dependant on me not returning to gambling. If I dont gamble I concentrate more on my work / business and of course will have more albeit limited funds to start clearing creditors. I am going to review the whole situation on the finance side 1 month from now... but its good to know I have options similar to the one you outlined. Thanks for the post on my diary 🙂 All the best Blocked

Hi Blocked--thanks for post on my diary. Just read a bit of yours. Well done on being strong over the last few days. As someone with 36 years experience of being a fully fledged gambling loon I can safely say that if you ever feel the urge to gamble your way out of the finacial hole, even if you win some you do not pay anything off--you gamble more until guess what--you have lost it all and more besides and end up in an even worse situation.

You are doing the right thing in seeking professional help with your debt management. When I went to seek help some years ago I felt like I was afreak or something but was partially reassured when the councellor told me that there were thousands of people in far worse situations. As others say -- there is always a solution and a road out of this hell. You have taken the hardes steps agiain by stopping and I wish you all the best in your quest for a return to 'normality'.

Stay strong.

I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP

Stumper