My Diary - Time to stop gambling for good.

Hi ODAAT

Yep I am thinking something similar, keep the money tucked away with no option of withdrawing or a lengthy Process if I do. Just don't want to see it in my account as I know the urges will come back if I keep it low removes an aspect of the triangle.

Yep no more bets for me, my big time relapse has taught me that, I can never gamble again, going to be tough with bets at Kempton on boxing day, Cheltenham gold cup week and grand national but got to remain strong and avoid it. If needs be I will mark out the card and not bet just see where they finish (I used to do this as a kid and award points for 1st, 2nd, 3rd etc) . Or I may not need to and just enjoy it as a neutral.

I haven't self excluded at all yet, still in two minds if I need to, probably do to fully remove the triangle, so will sort that out in next week or so. My final shame being a gambler, although the self exclusion is a good thing just having to do it admits more weakness, which I need to accept.

As for Lm yes not holding any breath in getting a place in ballot, but charity place is a Def option, looking forward to challenging myself. Already seeing physio about knee hopefully be sorted in next few weeks, getting me down as exercise was helping with my gambling urges but got to remain patient.

Yep sorry about sabotaging your link have amended slightly now!

Day 24 GF.

Last few days been feeling down again and urges seem to come on stronger when low, seems like gambling was a release to lift my mood and my councillor made a good comparison of the social side of gambling, which is something I miss.

I am counteracting these low times with exercise, sport and keeping myself busy, I have not found something to replace the feeling of gambling as this is the hardest thing, but I'll keep trying new things.

Part of my problem is I don't really have anyone to talk to about my feelings, my OH is amazing and has put up with so much of me lying, wasting money and my mood swings, at this stage I can't tell her how I feel as that could be the last straw. I can't risk that at the minute.

So I fight a lone furrow, but one I am determined to overcome, I'm in it for the long hall, just wish I felt better by not gambling.

But hopefully these low feelings will subside and the old me will come back. Gambling is the silent addiction, no real visual signs, but here I am 24 days GF and next councilling session next week, determined to making it a month.

I'm fighting, I won't give in.

hi well done on 24 days GF dazz. I agree with the socialising part of gambling. When I went to arcades in town I knew everyone in there. Felt welcoming as staff quick to feed and get drinks for you! felt safe as other gamblers in there so knew noone would say anything as we were all in the same boat so to speak. Hid my gambling from family but did have a best friend who would go with me so anyone ask where we were and we were just two mates out for a drink or shopping etc. My OH was unaware of the gambling as was my friends OH. It is a fact we often have to face stopping by ourselves as our partners cant really understand as it is an addiction and only the person doing it or trying to stop, can really know how hard it is. If it was a drugs or drink problem you could see a doctor and appropriate help would be given but the NHS doesnt recognise gambling in the same way. Although the Americans have but then they have allways been big on the counselling for most things. Anyways, you are not alone completely. Feelings, good or bad can be put down on paper on here and does help. Keep fighting as we are all in this fight together!! take care. Mary

Hi Breakdowntime

Yes all sounds similar, although my gambling was mainly casinos, I enjoyed the social side, for example.playing blackjack and being the last seat and felt I could control the table. Then if things went well other players would be happy etc. All just a con to give us our fix.

My OH doesn't understand, she thinks I could just stop and gets frustrated when I start again, like you say the law don't see it as an addiction like drugs or alcohol so it doesn't get the support or funding it needs to help others similar to ourselves.

Day 27, nearly 4 weeks, feeling a bit better today, mood is lifting, pay day was yesterday and can see in a couple of months my finances will be back on track and can start paying off regularly into the credit card. I'm keeping short term goals like 4 weeks GF tomorrow and next councilling session next week, I am changing my habits as not gambling and yesterday was the easiest Friday I have had, this would have definitely been a gambling day, but only a few small urges came on but ones I could control.

Still keeping busy and cards at home, so even if urges got too strong I couldn't do it anyway.

I am on the long road to recovery, I am wiser by having a massive relapse previously after over 100 days clean and know what gambling gives me, fun enjoyment, a release, so I'm am working on replacing these with other activities. This has been the hardest thing but I can't let it beat me and need to stay strong.

I read on another post that you don't necessarily get the high from winning sometimes it is the high from nearly winning but not, this is greater and I can relate to this, for me it was about playing not necessarily winning.

Today is a new day, a bright sunny one, I won't let the clouds of gambling overcome me.

I'm getting busy living not busy gambling.

Hi Phoenix

Yes in time I will be able to come clean to my partner, when things have settled down, she will see the progress I have made, she may even read this diary, at the minute I have lied and hurt her too often without telling her the full picture. I can't risk the repercussion.

My triangle also includes choice and this is where I let my guard down before, I chose to gamble and had a big win and then couldn't stop, through relapse I learnt I cannot gamble again if I do I cannot control it, it overcomes me, the demon comes out. So my will is my biggest strength, I am on the early roads and trying not to think too far ahead.

I have made the mistake with cards before, in a couple if months I will carry then with limited funds, see how I get on then.

As for support,it is a two way thing, you were the first to take the time to support me when I started, now it's my time, we are going to have ups and downs but we need to stay strong, I know it's a clichГ© but everyday not gambling is a success.

I'll look forward to celebrating your successes just as much as mine. I won't cast you aside if you relapse, I'm here so that we can beat this awful addiction which has ruined our lives for too long!

As I said on my original post think about your relapse, see the triggers, remove them, we learn far more from out mistakes. We get knocked down we come back stronger. Today is a good day, a gamble free day.

Day 28 - 4 weeks, it has passed so quick!

When I started I was determined but deep down I didn't know I could do it again, my relapse had been the worst gambling of my life, it was 3-4 times a week, it had got me, but late one Sunday I took the time to look at this site properly, I found so many others like me, I found success stories, I found lots if great stories, I found lots of relapses, I found death,I found life, but most importantly of all I found the strength to begin my recovery again.I found the kick up the b*m I needed, I found other will to support me.

Now 4 weeks have passed and I remain GF, I have paid off a lot of debt, I haven't come out of the dark days and dark moods yet, but I am starting to feel like me again.

The road is long, I know that, I am only setting short term goals, the next being my next councilling session this week and then 50 days GF.

My road is bright my road is gamble free, I'm busy living not busy gambling.

For anyone reading my diary, find the will to stop, find your triggers, remove then, only you can change your addiction and start the road to recovery. Gamcare have paid for my councilling, contact them, start today, don't put it of.

A day without gambling is a success, a lifetime without gambling is a miracle (but miracles do happen!)

Hiya

Thanks for dropping by my diary. Well done on 30 days. I think you're doing great. I am finding it relatively easy so far this time. Like you said on my diary it's about learning what triggers us to gamble. I look forward to reading your diary in full and watching you progress through the journey and celebrate milestones, quitting for good really is the way forward isn't it.

Clare

Hi Clare, I'm glad your recovery is going well, just remember to always be on your guard, as this awful urges can come on at any time.

Day 33 GF - had a relatively good week, not many urges, still a few mood swings but they are getting less and generally feeling better about myself.

I have some extra income coming in the next few weeks which will put a dent into my credit card debt. Usually this would be gone in a few days at the casino.

It's nice to plan ahead, I can give my partner some money which she is long overdue and this in turn keeps my bank balance low, so thus my triangle is limited.

Cards are still at home, they will be for the next few months, it's good to live off £20 a week, it's amazing how much money you can save by....not gambling!

I am still deciding on whether to self exclude from bookies, casinos etc, in a way this is the last part of dignity I have left, I am Using it as a motivational tool to remain gamble free, I wish there was a way to do it online not the indignity of having to go in the shops etc.

Next target is 50 days I'm away on holiday next week so 40 days should come quick, although I need to remain on my guard, I'm busy living not busy gambling.

Hey I see you're still going strong and well done on 35 days. I cannot imagine how difficult it is to live on £20 a week but I think it's definitely working for you.

I agree it's terrible, what you have to go through to self exclude from actual casino establishments.

Luckily this is not something I've ever been into. I once went to a casino in Sheffield but it wasn't really my thing I was more interested in the fruit machines in there. My big thing (that kills me financially) has always been the slots and from this point forward I've said no more slots.. Not this week, this month, year, or ever. I know from experience I can never play them in moderation. For me, they're my issue and I'm so glad I can self exclude and/or use the blocking software. The government will (I hope) in time make it compulsory for gambling establishments to allow online exclusion. But I guess as this massive issue is still in it's relative infancy we don't have much external support to help us quit. We must rely on our own strength and determination to quit in a lot of ways. But you sound determined. You've done all the right things, breaking the triangle and limiting money; sharing the problem with your partner is a big factor in helping you overcome this too.

Hope you enjoy the rest of your bank holiday 🙂

clare

Hi Dazz. It's easier than you think as I excluded myself from Arcades. They had forms etc an actually encouraged me as said it takes willpower to exclude an they admired my resolve. Remember they aren't the owners an just staff so have no reason to belittle you an as I was a manager myself in an arcade just saw it as part of the job.

It took me a few weeks before excluding on all online sites as that was like admitting I wouldn't be able to gamble again. Kinda scary but so pleased I did. Take care Mary

Hi Dazz, another word on excluding...I found it gave me an extra bit of security in my weak moments! I had a couple of dramas with some of the places (you will need passport photos if you do go for it) but on the whole, it's far less embarrassing than, having a card declined or skulking out when you've run out of money! Dignity meant nothing to me when I was in the throes of the addiction, I took it back by choosing recovery...Excluding helped me close the door on the evil!

You are doing so well, starting week 6 today, make it easier on yourself, get those doors closed! Keep fighting - ODAAT

Hi all day 36 or the start of week 6 GF (thanks for the reminder ODAAT)

Thanks for all your support and comments, feeling better last few days and still find myself checking my bank balance on a daily basis (even though it isn't changing) unlike gambling days when it would go up and down (mostly) like a yoyo. Living on £20 a week is tough but I am so destructive with money, doesn't have to be gambling just easy come easy go, so I have to manage this, already looked at joining a credit union as a good way of saving money via payroll so I.never get the money. This may also be a way I can pay off high interest credit card debt quicker as 40% interest is killing me at minute.

Taking to my other half isn't an option at the minute, we are in a good place again and can't jeopardise that, even though I am doing well, she has heard it all before and I need to gain her trust again first before fully coming clean.

As for exclusion, thanks for all of your comments, I am still 50/50 whether to do it, I feel by not doing it I can keep this as a motivational tool, that I don't have to lose all respect for myself and go into the shops, although you are right ODAAT I have been there when cards declined, loans rejected etc and that is very demoralising. The worst was when I had to take out a loan to.cover payday loans and had an interview to get the ok, I swore I would never do that again. I'm away at minute but will mull it over the next few days.

So much has changed over the last 36 days but mainly I don't worry about letters coming through the doo, but mostly I dint don't have to lie, I don't have to cover my tracks when gambling. I have started playing golf again and just rewarded myself with a golfing holiday in Portugal with my brother in 6 weeks, this will be my biggest test.

I'm staying strong, I'm staying gamble free, I am busy living not busy gambling. Keeping things on a day to day basis, urges getting less frequent but been here before, need to stay strong. I will.

Dazz

Well done, you have reached day 36. It must feel great, but remember it's still the start of your journey, as it is for me. I stopped counting the days, as I mentioned in my diary, counting can make it feel like you are missing out on something that you enjoyed.

My tactic has just been to write, and be honest in your diary. I think about gambling, but I dismiss these thoughts and just live in the moment, watch a film etc...(as for self exclusion) it works initially, but in actual fact it's a rubbish system. I have been to all of the bookmakers that I am banned from, with no approach from any of the staff members.

The reality, even if you do self exclude you have the chance to gamble elsewhere. There is online gambling, lottery, scratchcards. It's a minefield...I would recommend self exclusion, just so that you know you have done it. If you are true to yourself you will think "I can't go in, I'm banned"...This can be a brilliant deterrent.

Ultimately, you need to deal with the addiction. An addict will always find a way around barriers, I remember travelling 20 miles out of my way to gamble after work just because I was banned from local bookies. The final thing that has helped me, is my regular saver account at the bank. Every month, my standing order allows me to put a little away for a rainy day. You can put measures in place, ride things out for a while, then once you feel ready tell your good wife.

All the support you need is here, just stay active on your diary, stop counting as this adds pressure, and can make this seem like such a lengthy process. Just live, time will take care of itself "it's out of our control"...good luck mate

Keep posting

Paul

Hi Paul

I find the counting helpful, it acts as a deterrent for me, I am not running from gambling, I am tackling it head on. I am naturally a competitive person and with the counting of days it gives me goals to aim for as well as the 2015 challenge, I do not see it as a negative thing or something that is putting pressure on me, quite the opposite. Everyone is different and I understand your stance on it, but I'm going to stick with it for now.

The self exclude is a good thing, just a mindset, I like that, that is more what I am Focusing on anyway, my mindset is clear not to gamble, I am gaining so many benefits. Yes the urges come on And I have been here before, but I can only live in the present and learn from my last relapse.

I will keep posting, I greatly appreciate this site and the feedback from others. Today is a good day today is a gamble free day.

Day 38 GF - Not long now until the big 40 🙂

Last few days have been good, am on holiday with family and no urges to make up an excuse to find the nearest bookie and submerge myself in gambling.

Last night I had a dream that my OH had found my phone and the Internet browser had been left on my diary on here, so she found out the full story, I woke up shortly after this with my phone on the beside table (not where I left it) and when I opened up the Internet it opened to my last post on here...so she could have read it. She hasnt mentioned it yet and I could be wrong, just a couple.of coincidences. Would it very the worst thing in the world if she read it no, she is great in every way and I have let her down too often, I do want to share this with her but only when I have gained her trust again and am proving I am giving things back like my time and money (not lost gambling). We have lots we want to do on our house, I want to contribute for once in my life.

Only 12 days to go until the half century, this will be another milestone to achieve, I have read on here people rewarding themselves and I want to start that as we can easily slip into the saving and self evaluating losses, making our moods low, so for my 50th I'm going to buy myself some pro v1 golf balls, for those of you not into golf they are the best golf ball you can buy.

I did some night time photography recently and got a good buzz from that, but am still trying to find something to replace that gambling chase, win, loss feeling, personally I'm not sure I can find it and need to fill my time with activities that give off endorphins as this really helps.

I'm thinking of joining a gym (ВЈ30 a month is nothing compared to ВЈ500-£600+ lost per month gambling.

I'm busy living not busy gambling.