My Gamble Free Diary

Well done missp - do you have the barriers in place for pay day / online blocking software, self exclusion- I find that when I have the surplus cash my mind wanders, I need the barriers so I can’t! 

Hope all remains gf

matt692

Hi Matt692,

Yes I have Gamblock and Gamstop in place.. I can’t even get onto the National Lottery website!!

My husband has forgiven me twice and given me a last chance.. I know that if I ever do it again it will be the end of my marriage and that would mean the break up of our family unit so I’ll never gamble online again. 

Thanks. Good luck on your journey 

A great incentive, remember this thought and never gamble again. 

Good luck

Day 19! I actually have to count it on my fingers now as I don’t remember how many days it is off the top of my head... Dunno if that’s good/bad or indifferent.

More and more I find myself struggling to understand why I let things get so bad.. Last year after I’d been gambling for approx 2-3 weeks, I tallied up my incomings/outgoings and I’d deposited just short of £xxx, I’d drawn out £xxx so I was only £xx down but I remember the absolute shock I felt as I had no idea I’d actually deposited that amount in total. I remember at that point I thought oh well, I’m only £20 down in total so I can afford to put another £20-30 on and then if I lose that I’ll stop. Needless to say, I didn’t..

Then in June (betting approx 8 weeks) I worked out I was approx £2.5k down. I remember the absolute horror. I felt sick to my stomach.

I just don’t understand why I kept doing it.. I really don’t remember if I thought to myself I’ll stop or I’ll try to win it back.. 

I feel so angry at myself for carrying on and not just quitting at that point. 

I am really happy that I have finally stopped but I just hate myself for doing it in the first place. 

Such a total waste. 

26 Days! Still financially strapped.. I’ve done so much damage. 

I keep thinking back to all the times I didn’t cash out and trying to calculate how much I could have recovered .. Maybe 10-12K... ?? Then I stop myself and think I have to accept what’s gone is gone and the only way I can recover that is through hard work. 

It’s really getting me down that it’ll take years and years to recover what I lost in approx 16 months. 

Off to bed - Night all

Thank you for visiting my diary MissP. I appreciate your support and encouragement.

Nearly a month since you last gambled which is excellent. You can't change what's done but you can influence the future a great deal.

I admire your determination plus you have courage and a genuine desire to stop gambling.

You are doing all you can to repair your life so please treat yourself with kindness, support and understanding. You never asked to be a compulsive gambler, the addiction just caught you unawares.

I do believe that one of the hardest things in stopping gambling is accepting that the monies we have lost are gone forever and we will never get it back. The addiction will keep telling us that we can get it back by gambling although we know that is crazy thinking. Add guilt and remorse to the mix and we can become very vulnerable.

I wish you every success on your journey of recovery.

Redeemer x 

Hi Redeemer - Thanks for reading and thank you for your kind words. 

I blame no one but myself for our situation.. I just feel angry a lot, at myself for my actions and at the gambling establishments that allow you to deposit thousands on credit cards (some weren’t even mine.. they were my husbands!) 

I know I have to let it go, it’s just difficult when you’re still very much in the aftermath. 

Miss P  

30 days! 

Well done.

You have the knowledge that if you do this again the marriage is/could be over.This will help you massively, with online blocks etc you now have the chance to turn ya back on the old you.

Take this chance

Holycrosser - Thank you.

Yes it would definitely be over. Money is a real issue at the minute and occasionally I have a fleeting thought of what if I could just win a few hundred to make this month more easier but then (thankfully) sense kicks in almost instantaneously..  I have let my husband down so badly, I don’t want to do that again.. Plus I actually thought yesterday, if I ever gambled again, I’d be back to Day 1 again and I don’t want to do that. I’m happy that I’ve got to 31 days, I’m never going back to Day 1! 

Good luck on your journey (nearly 200 days for you ?) and thanks for taking the time to read my ongoing journey! 

Miss P 

36 days!! No urges whatsoever.. Just sadness and soo much anger at myself.. I struggle to comprehend why I did this in the first place, why I didn’t stop sooner, why I didn’t think of the long term implications.. The damage that I have done in a 16 month period will take years to repair.. Such a f*****g waste of money. I’m just so relieved that I’m not gambling anymore.. It is undoubtedly the worst thing I have ever done and I hate that it’s a part of my life forever. 

Just seem to be full of remorse lately.. I guess that will continue until I start to make amends for the financial damage. Working on that one ?

39 days! Still early days but I just know I won’t gamble again.. Too much to lose. 

Well Done you I'm only on day 17 gf but I feel the same I think what have I done it for I think for the first time my brain as the chance to think and reality at what I have done as hit home because I have had time to think in the last 17 days 

Just realised that I haven’t really been visiting this site as frequently as I used to.

It’s only popped into my head to log in because I’ll get a notification if something gets posted on one of my few subscriptions.

In the beginning this site was my solace, a welcome relief and a place where I could openly express myself without being judged and I didn’t feel alone.

I will always be grateful for it. It made things a little bit easier during a very dark period. 

I don’t want to say I’ll never need to come back but for now (thankfully) I don’t feel the need to visit. 

If anyone’s reading this, good luck on your continued gamble free journey’s.

Stay strong! 

Peace Out ✌️