Well here goes, my first diary entry of what I hope will become many.
Am not to savy with the computer, they didn't give lessons in my day so couldn't work out how to put my introduction on my first post!
Anyways my name is Sue and have only been a compulsive gambler for about 3 years. I have been logging on here for quite sometime and something stopped me from joining, maybe I just wasn't ready to stop, I don't honestly know.
I am 52, kids all grown and flown the nest.
Up until i'd say 10 years ago I was sooo happy, no money but who needs money when you are content in yourself eh?
Anyway fast forward I got divorced, met a new man and stayed with him for 6 years suffered a lot of mental and physical abuse and found out that he was *** and in the closset (sp) Personally I don't think I have ever got over this.
I have always considered myself a fairly strong person but I think this just brought me to my knees. I had to sell my house and pay him off even tho he hadn't really contributed but hey thats all gone.
I just thought a little background may help you understand me.
Anyway I moved back in with my mum (love her to bits) this is where my problems start. One day I found a slot site....Wham bam...Started of slowly maybe £10 per night....Well I'm sure you all know how that £10 goes.
Fast forward to friday £2,000 easy done hey.
I have had gamblock on my computer for nearly a year and thats great, my problem is my mums computer.The reason I went mad is that she was away for a week and something inside just went BANG I couldn't stop just kept depositing Jeaz at one time I think I managed £1000 in about 30 mins, well I just broke down, crawled into bed and didn't want to wake up.
Moving on...Registered and hopefully this will be my lifeline!
The main problem for me is when my mum goes out (bingo on thursdays and out with my brother on saturdays) I really cannot tell her , she is 80 and I couldn't put her through any more pain (she has been my Angel )
I have also told a great friend of mine who is training in CBT, it was she who encouraged me to start a diary.
Well this is it Sue DAY 3
Hopefully we can all support each other xxx
Three years is too long in my books. Any period of time that people have spent gambling and losing their money is too long in my books.
Welcome to this very supportive place full of people who are just like you.
Have you got all the blocks in?
What are your short term and long term targets?
Have you shared this with your nearest and dearest?
Just a few pointers to get you started.
All the very best and keep reading and posting if it helps you. Keep making the right choices for yourself, eh?
NT
HI Sue,
Welcome to the forum and taking that first brave step to stop gambling. You will get lots of help and support here from people who all have the same goal to remain gamble free.
This illness is progressive in its nature, i started playing bingo as a bit of a social night out with the girls just before i stopped gambling i was playing the deadly roulette machines and i couldnt lose my money quick enough.
It was never about winning or loseing for me it was about hyding, running away from life, from how i was feeling, from stress, problems, You name it I hid from it.
Give youself some time for the gambling head to clear, there is lots of help out there if you choose to take it. Read lots of diarys, post on yours lots.
I wish you strength and determination in your journey
Blondie day 56 x
Thank you NT for your reply, I have read your diary and I think you have done so well.
Yes I have the blocks on my computer but I can't do my mums.
I have self excluded from god knows how many casinos.
I am now leaving my cards at work in my locker.
I don't have a nearsest and dearest (not yet anway) Funny how we still have a sense of humour isn't it!
I do have a bestie friend tho and she is helping me.
Thank you once again
Hi again Sue, I posted on your "new members" thread earlier today, so Im delighted to see you have started a diary 🙂
As I said before, this site is full of wonderful, honest, kind and considerate friends, and the support you will get will be the best you could wish for.
When your mum goes out get yourself on here and talk away, write it all down, we love a good read !! Go onto the "chat" there are so many friends willing to talk and listen. You may not see the faces or hear the voices, but who needs them ? We are all as one on here, coz we are all here for the same reason - we gambled.
Great to have you on board, stay strong 🙂
Cameron
Hey Cameron great idea, will be on here 7.00 pm thursday. Actually I believe this will work for me,If im typing I ain't gambling!
Hi Sue,
Thanks for the lovely post much appreciated hun.:0)
Well done for starting a diary,your last couple of posts sound alot more positive than your first on newbies its amazing how after a couple of days and your head stops spinning you can see away through all the bu**s**t.
Sounds like youve been through the ringer emotionally no wonder you found away to escape.
I know its painful but once you star addressing the issues weather in private or on your diary you may start to piece together why you find yourself here today.
Anyhoo waffling now so will read your dairy with interest and fight your corner every step of the way:0)
Stay Strong and big hugs ((((((((((S))))))))))))))
E xx
ps well done for reading my diary big load of waffle but it helps.lol
Stay strong sue. I try to read a lot on here even tho am not a reader! Hope time will heal u. Do it for you an also your mum.
Just for today I won't gamble. One day at a time x
Awww thank you so much Elizabeth....I am extremely prone to crying at the moment and you just opened the flood gates again!
You are such an amazing women and will be so proud to call you a friend.
We can beat this hun
Sue xx
Thank you Davina for your post.
I am truly amazed by the support network on here.
Why the hell didn't I sign up before???
I feel some kind of elation inside me, knowing I am not alone with this disease.
As the saying goes onwards and upwards.
Maybe my saying can be "we are not alone"!!
Awww sorry sue didnt mean to make you cry but as a cryer myself i find it helps and after im ready to face whatever c**P my life throws at me.
At the start of my recovery i spent a huge amount of time in tears but now its when i log in and some wonderful person has left me a great post.lol
anyway i must go and put my Little one in the bath should have done it an hour ago but have been reading and posting.
Always here unless im at work if you need to talk just leave me a message and will reply asap.
Stay Strong
E xx
Thank you Elizabeth. In the beginning I think we cry not just for the money lost but for the reasons why we do it, the shame, the bloody stupidness of it.
Am debating weather to go for councilling (any ideas anyone?) I can get it free with my work.
I do find it really hard to talk about my emotional state maybe thats why i'm crying all the time now.
I havn't at this time disclosed all of the emotional turmoil I am in at the present. Maybe when I feel more comfortable with showing my feelings I can.
Anways off to sleep now.
Day 3 and going STRONG
Sue xx
Morning Sue,
Sorry i did not get back sooner
Sue, first and foremost you have done exactly the right thing in starting your diary, you have put blocks on your computer, have you asked your mum if she can just password protect her's so you can't get in without having to put her through the reasons?
Sue , crying and feeling all these emotions is natural, you have decided to make a huge change to your life by stopping and hence without the escape we have to face up to the issues that were there but were masked by our gambling, let it all out!
It is slow journey and us cg's have very little patience as we want it all sorted now but in time it does becomes a little easier.
CBT is one of the therapies i do, it works for some and not others but you will find what works for you given time, counselling through work although confidential might be difficult as i know i try to keep personal and work seperate even though i have spoken to a few at work.
Ring gamcare for advice , they will talk you through all the options available and steer you in the right direction.
Sue remember, to start over is hard but gambling will just bring more misery
I'll say again you have done the first step, continue to read and post as much as you need that is what has helped me the most and the support you get is just the best.
Keep Strong and i'll pop in to see how your doing, if none of this makes sense to you then just ignore but if you can take 1 snippet then it's worth it.
Lucy xxx
Hi Sue, just a wee pop in from me to ask how you are doing today ? I hope today has been a good gamble free day for you, and that the demon urges have not paid you a visit !!
Stay strong, its a worthwhile road we travel 🙂
Cameron
Crying is absolutely fine, letting out all of your emotions is a perfectly natural thing to do.
Just remember that you are still in the incredibly early stages of your recovery journey and your emotions will be at an all-time high. You are also having to adjust from leading a gambling life to a gamble-free life which we all know is not easy.
Give it time, much happier days ARE ahead.
NT
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