Yesterday I posted in the new members forum:
Hi everyone,
I woud like to share my story. It is probably very smilar to everyone's. I am 26 years old.
I began gambling in March 2011. I remember my first bet was an accumlator on Premier League darts. I put £10 and won £40. I thought "Wow this is easy". I withdrew the winnings and was very happy. Next week I placed another bet on the darts. This time I lost. I shrugged my shoulders and said I was still in profit from the previous week. Throughout the year I began to gamble more frequently, mainly on football matches. These were largly small bets around £10-20. Around October, time I was flicking through the TV stations and I stumbled upon Horse Racing at Doncaster. There was a horse called Camelot and it was around Even money. I don't know why but I decided to place a bet on it. The horse won so easily. The jockey was never off the bridle. I thought "Wow this is easy money". From that day I have been hooked on horse racing. The bet's started getting bigger and bigger. £20 to £50, £50 to £100, £100 to £200. I received my bank statement around Christmas time. Opened it up and I had lost around £4,000 in 2 months. I forgot to put the statement away and my dad seen it. When I came home he asked me about my gambling. I broke down and admitted I had a problem. He then told me he has his own problems gambling when he was my age. He told me to quit immediately.
I did quit, but only for a month. Up until April 2014 I basically gambled everything I had earned. I had little to no money. I never went on holidays because I couldn't afford it. On of my lowest points was in July 2013. I got on one of those rare runs. By the end of the day I had won £7,000. I remember sitting with a box of pills in front of me. I was ready to end it there and then. For whatever reason I could not go through with it. I thought of my family and the pain I would leave behind. So I decided to stop. I self excluded from all the sites I was signed up to. I saved a bit of money up. Until October came; I signe dup to another site and I lost everything again. I just felt empty this time. Again I tried again to quit., self excluding from the latest site I had signed up to. I lasted to April 2014. Again I lost everything after joining another site.. I then got a flat tyre and needed to pay for a replacement. I was fortunate enough I got paid that day and I could pay for this. I don't know why, but it hit me there and then that I needed to stop for good. I went onto all the online companies and self excluded. By this point I had lost £28,000 in 3 years.
I did not miss gambling at all. I was a happy person again. I had money to start travelling around the world. I had money to buy the things I always wanted.
However, once a gambler, always a gambler. In March this year the dreaded Cheltenham festival was now on. I had thought I had been self excluded from all gambling sites. Unfortunately there were about 10 new sites online from when I quit 3 years previously. The rollercoaster had begun and in two months the I had been derailed. I lost nearly £16,000 I had saved up in the 3 years. I self excluded from all these sites yet again apart from betway which had a "Cooling off" period. From May to the middle of August I had managed to save £5,000 again. But once again I decided to have a small bet on the PGA Championship. The last two weeks do not seem real. I had managed to win £4,000. I withdrew it and felt very happy. I had even considered contacting betway to self exclude at this point. But I didn't. Gambling had took away my control again. I am back to square one. No money again. I self excluded from betway yesterday.
I have long been a lurker of these forums. However I don't feel like I can talk to anyone in my family. They are totally oblivious to my problem and I don't want to upset them. I feel ashamed of what I have done. I hope writing this down can be some kind of therapy to help me get on the right path. Reading other people's stories has comforted me and gave me some hope that I can get better. I have to accept that money is gone and will never be gone. I cannot change that. But I can change the future. I have no debts which is a good thing I suppose.
P.s. my gambling has been exclusively online. I have never been in an actual bookmaker shop.
This is day 1 without gambling.
Day 2. Last night a calm came over me. I'm not sure why, but I was watching the news about people who had lost their homes through terrible flooding. These people have lost everything through no fault of their own. I lost all my money and I only have myself to blame, no one else.
I watched a few videos online about what to do if you are broke. Take it one day at a time. Bascially go into survival mode until you can get your head above water again. Try to accept what has happened. I will never get that money back. I need to learn from my bad experiences.
Day 3.
So far so good. The deep sadness is starting to lift as I realise it is not the end of the world. One thing I have noticed is the quality of my sleep has improved. The past few weeks with me gambling I would be up all night betting on some stupid tennis match in the middle of the morning.
It is comforting that I am not the only person in the world with this problem. We can all help each other through our own experiences.
Hi PG91,
Welcome to Recovery diaries, and thanks for sharing your story with us.
It seems like you’ve been struggling for a long time with your gambling problem, and much as you’ve tried to self-exclude yourself from the sites you gamble from, you somehow manage to find new ones and gamble from there.
Even though you seem to be aware of your gambling problem, and making efforts to stop gambling, it appears to me that you’ll need some professional help to top up your efforts to enable you overcome your gambling problem.
I also noticed that you’re posting daily into the forum to help with your recovery, and as you stated yourself in your post: “I hope writing this down can be some kind of therapy to help me get on the right path”. That is a step in the right direction PG91, and
I’ll encourage you to keep going!
Would you like to contact our free phone Helpline on: 0808 8020 133, and maybe speak to one of our advisers to find out what other options of help and support (like counselling for instance) are available to you?
Just try and take it one day at a time, and keep up the good work. Above all, keep posting!
Best wishes,
Beatrice
Forum admin wrote:
Hi PG91,
Welcome to Recovery diaries, and thanks for sharing your story with us.
It seems like you’ve been struggling for a long time with your gambling problem, and much as you’ve tried to self-exclude yourself from the sites you gamble from, you somehow manage to find new ones and gamble from there.
Even though you seem to be aware of your gambling problem, and making efforts to stop gambling, it appears to me that you’ll need some professional help to top up your efforts to enable you overcome your gambling problem.
I also noticed that you’re posting daily into the forum to help with your recovery, and as you stated yourself in your post: “I hope writing this down can be some kind of therapy to help me get on the right path”. That is a step in the right direction PG91, and
I’ll encourage you to keep going!
Would you like to contact our free phone Helpline on: 0808 8020 133, and maybe speak to one of our advisers to find out what other options of help and support (like counselling for instance) are available to you?
Just try and take it one day at a time, and keep up the good work. Above all, keep posting!
Best wishes,
Beatrice
Hi Beatrice,
Thanks for your kind words. At the moment I am actually feeling quite good. I always have been a positive person. Perhaps it is my downfall whenever I have strumbled in the past. I keep telling myself that I cannot change the past, but I can control my future!
Day 8 gamble free.
Feeling good so far. Sometimes I think back at how much I lost but I quickly shake myself and look forward and not behind!
Hi there Buddy and welcome to the recovery diary page :)).
It's never easy to turn your back on something that's become so much of apart of your life for so long and I think we all initially struggle to let go but youv'e made a major step toward a new gamble free future so big kudos to you for coming here and begining that journey :)).
I noticed you said In your post that " you feel you can't open up to anyone in the family " and I can empathise with that but how about speaking to your dad again ? as much as I can understand you feeling that you may well dissapoint him in some way , he's gambled in the past and has admitted having problems of his own due to this so do you not think he would understand you if you came to him and admitted you still have a problem ? . He may be a little angry at first but I feel he would be a person in your life that could help you without any judgement and he would definately know how this can get a hold on you so quickly ? Obviously it's your call but I've found that it helps to come clean to at least one person as it stops just being your secret anymore , gambling loves that secretive feeling as it allows it to swan back in to your life whenever it feels like it simply because your not accountable to anyone else , I'd advise you to think it over at least :)).
If you need any help regarding putting blocking softaware on then just ask or maybe speak with admin for more advice .
It's a pretty friendly place on here and weve all been where you are now , all I can say is " It will get better " my friend you just have to want it enough :)).
Talk to you again soon
Besrt wishes
Alan
ALAN 135 wrote:
Hi there Buddy and welcome to the recovery diary page :)).
It's never easy to turn your back on something that's become so much of apart of your life for so long and I think we all initially struggle to let go but youv'e made a major step toward a new gamble free future so big kudos to you for coming here and begining that journey :)).
I noticed you said In your post that " you feel you can't open up to anyone in the family " and I can empathise with that but how about speaking to your dad again ? as much as I can understand you feeling that you may well dissapoint him in some way , he's gambled in the past and has admitted having problems of his own due to this so do you not think he would understand you if you came to him and admitted you still have a problem ? . He may be a little angry at first but I feel he would be a person in your life that could help you without any judgement and he would definately know how this can get a hold on you so quickly ? Obviously it's your call but I've found that it helps to come clean to at least one person as it stops just being your secret anymore , gambling loves that secretive feeling as it allows it to swan back in to your life whenever it feels like it simply because your not accountable to anyone else , I'd advise you to think it over at least :)).
If you need any help regarding putting blocking softaware on then just ask or maybe speak with admin for more advice .
It's a pretty friendly place on here and weve all been where you are now , all I can say is " It will get better " my friend you just have to want it enough :)).
Talk to you again soon
Besrt wishes
Alan
Hi Alan,
Thanks for your kind words. I'm feeling pretty good at the minute. No urges at all to gamble. I don't know if I have a split personality. I am going about my life just as normal. But whenever I am sucked in I am completely hooked until I lose every penny I have.
For the minute, I am at Day 19.
Hi PG, the next time you get tempted to gamble, remember that horrible feeling after an horrendous loss.
Take care, onwards and upwards, we don't need gambling in our lives.
Shaun
Sha999 wrote:
Hi PG, the next time you get tempted to gamble, remember that horrible feeling after an horrendous loss.
Take care, onwards and upwards, we don't need gambling in our lives.
Shaun
Thanks Shaun,
It really is trying to get into that mindset. It's when I'm most comfortable that a relapse is most likely. At the minute I am in survival mode financially and doing well. It's when you have accumulated a good bit of money in the bank that the weakeness shows. You see it as a safety net. "I'll just bet £50 here. It'll do no harm" Before I know it I have lost everything again. I have to tell myself if could go nearly 3 years gamble free I can do it again!
Day 27 and everything still good! Just getting on with my life again. Still very hard to forget what I have lost but there's nothing I can do about it now. I just have to look forward to a gamble free future!
I'm interacting as I was before I relasped. As most of you know, whenever you're gambling nothing else matters. You become on edge all the time. I'm back to having good conversations with my family whereas when I gambled I couldn't wait to leave the room to place the next bet.
It's just trying to stay on track. I think I will always be a gambler. I hope to never gamble again but it will always be inside me, lying dormant. This year I have learned the hard way how easy it is to fall off. I was clean for 3 years and bang, I'm hooked again.
I know I can beat this. I will beat this!
Day 37.
So far so good. It is amazing how much you can save when you go into survival mode. Feeling better and getting on with my life again. Not a lot more to add. Just want to keep this diary updated to remind myself not to become complacenet. I was 3 years gamble free and it came back on me. I have to remind myself that it will never leave me so I have to tell myself never to start again!
Day 48.
Still gamble free. Starting to feel a bit bored with life at the minute. I'm happy I am gamble free but lacking some sort of excitment. Perhaps this is withdrawals settling in. I don't smoke or drink but love chocolate and sweets. I'm trying to stay healthy though so it's trying to stay strong on both fronts. No gambling and no binge eating sweets.
I think this is a personality trait that I have. Like gambling, once I start I can't stop. I could literally eat a full tin of biscuits to myself. I walk every day though so I'm in good physical shape. Not a lot more to add, just want to write this down as it might make me feel better after.
50 day milestone reached! Next goal is 100 days.
We'll done PG. 50 days is such an achievement!! Keep it up.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
