[Closed] My Last Bad Day

Cheers Forum Admin. 

Good to hear from you too Stephen. I missed your post yesterday for some reason. Sorry x

Okay today. I worked from home. Me and Hubby played more flick football with dog food to get the dog to eat some breakfast and some tea. I feel happier that she's eating something at least. 

I was not productive at work. I shall try and make up for that tommorow. I did my two cleaning jobs not very well tonight either but I don't care. 

I took Hubby to the pub after the day job for a couple. We were just finishing the last when he mentioned that it was a shame I never went for that early morning walk with him on the beach. I said that I did have a reason, I wasn't just trying to be rude. He got cross that I brought that up. I said that he was gaslighting. I asked him if he knew what the word meant. He said it's some rubbish you've got off of social media. I said no, it's an actual thing and it's something that you do often. You bring up events but change the order of events so that you are somehow are a victim of my behaviour. You are choosing to forget that you invited me for a walk and I accepted the invitation and then for some odd reason you said "you don't expletive care about me". So that's why I rolled over and went back to sleep. I didn't just decline the invitation. He went mad at me like all he said was I didn't come for a walk. I said that's not what you said at all. You are playing the victim and trying to make me feel guilty for ruining that moment and I'm not having it anymore where I have to apologise to make you feel better when it was you that ruined the moment. I'm sick of it. 

I went to my cleaning jobs and blocked his number and his whatsapp access cos I didn't wanna get bullied from afar. He called me from a PAYG mobile and left a VM to say that the dog was missing me and I might want to come back and get her. I must be busy on another call or whatever I'm doing. He knows exactly what he is doing. He knows I blocked him. 

This is exhausting. I cannot cope with his emotional manipulation anymore. 

This all sounds so silly and so simple but it's far from it. He builds up events all the time so that I'm the bad guy and I just cave in and apologise for upsetting him. I'm not doing it this time. 

He's gone to bed now. He never goes to bed early. What do I do? Sleep on the couch. He'll only wake me in the wee hours to have a fight because he hates if I sleep anywhere other than the bed but he's set this situation up by going to bed early and making it difficult for me to get in there. 

I just want a quiet gamble free life. If he was self-sufficient, I would just leave him to it. If someone shows you by their actions time and again that they have no care for you at all and they don't really like you, does that make you a masochist? A glutton for punishment maybe by sticking around and taking it? 

Drama. 

Sorry your going through all that with hubby. Hope he leaves you alone and doesn't wake you so you get a peaceful sleep.

Stace x

I chatted with a bloke on the Helpline for a spell last night. I felt better after. I had a good old cry. 

I made myself a bed with some cushions in front of the fire and just settled down there. Hubby came down at whatever o'clock and I heard him go in the kitchen so I got up and got into bed. Absolutely tired out this morning. No energy at all. I had some coco pops for breakfast. 

Me and Hubby took the dog to Church at dinner time and then went to the supermarket. I'm currently making her some chicken and rice. I hope she eats it. Hubby wanted to go to the pub after the supermarket but I said no. 

I logged off work early. No point just staring at the screen. Told my boss I was under the weather and would make it up later. 

I have 3 cleaning jobs to do tonight. No idea what time I'll get home but it'll be late. I don't mind being out of the house and occupied. 

Only reference to last night that Hubby's made is asking if I've checked my whatsapp. I asked him if he'd fed the dog breakfast and he told me to check whatsapp. Just silly. I said you're stood right in front of me, can't you just answer? Anyway, he hadn't. 

I've unblocked him from whatsapp and my phone. 

I might check-in later, I might just go to bed. I dunno. Laters. 

Drama. 

Oh and I had a cheese sandwich for dinner and I ate some snack peppers and radishes and tomatoes cos I haven't eaten ought healthy in a while so I thought I should. 

My dog ate an entire Chicken Breast and some of the rice. She ate it like she was proper hungry. This has made me very happy. 

I did my first cleaning job for someone who has gone sick. The office women were moaning that it's sposed to be 6-8. I was having none of it. I said I'm here 10 minutes early. I'm covering for someone who's gone sick. I have 3.5 more hours to do. You gotta take what I have to offer because I'm not staying later. They wound their necks in. 

I went to the next job. Nobody there wanted to leave. I just worked round them and did a good job. I chatted with the manager for a spell about my Uni work and I could tell she was impressed with my powers of recall. She likes hearing about my studies. She also likes to offload on me somewhat and tell me about her troubles. It's hard being a manager. I've been there. When I left my last management role I decided for sure I was gonna go down a technical route in my career because I never want to manage people again. I love people, it's just super hard work. Anyway, I let her offload and saw her visibly relax so that was nice. 

When I finished there I went home and had a cuppa with Hubby. He was in a good mood. I am glad. He cracked some jokes at my expense but it was in a jolly way. I am glad he is over his badness. I like happy Hubby. He can stay. 

I got the dog and went to my last job. Did a good job and then took the dog to the park. 

Now I am home and gonna have a couple of cheap Lidl beers. They aren't bad really but I've earnt a tipple with today's shift.

Everyone is happy in my house. This feels good. 

Glad I didn't do ought silly last night cos I'd feel like a right mug now that everything is settled again. 

N'nite All. 

Drama xoxoxox

I had the day off from my day job today. I got up early, fed the dog some chicken and rice and booted up my Uni stuff. I did an awful lot of reading for 6 hours. I turned the telly off and put my phone on silent and just knuckled down. I formulated a plan in my mind for what I was gonna write. Then I spoke to Hubby via walkie-talkie in his man-cave and said I was gonna have a quick dunk, freshen up and put some clean clothes on and take the dog out and get her some food for this evening. He invited himself along. 

He offered to drive, which I thought was odd. We went to Church and then the shop and got some bits. Then he drove home the back way and pulled into one of them free parking spaces at the top of Town and I'm like ey-up, this isn't home whatcha doing? and he's like big smiles, thought I'd call in for a quick one. Now I wasn't cross with him. I just felt stupid for not figuring out his plan. I should've but he has a wicked naughty smile and is hard to say no to. I went along with it. We had a couple in the pub but then I've got a bit of a foggy brain and no longer in study mode. I had like an hour and a half till cleaning so just gave up. 

Now I have 1000 words to write before tommorow lunch time and it's gonna be a major chore and I've lost my train or is it chain of thought? I can't even get the phrase right! Pah! 

I have done my cleaning jobs and I'm tired. I'm gonna have an early night and try get up early to give myself as much time as possible to get it done. 

This means I will be tired tommorow evening for cleaning but it has to be done. 

Oh and if I posted on your diary last night, ignore my advice. I was drunk and thought I was like Dr. Phil and could cure the world's problems. I can't even deal with mine so I dunno why I thought I was an expert with all yours. Don't listen to me, I'm a head case. 

Drama

xoxoxox

I have finished my assignment!!! I am so proud. I was laying in bed this morning thinking what's the point? I'll never pass. It's just gonna be rubbish now and then I quit with the negative self-talk, got up and just bashed it out and now I am feeling really happy. I quoted some cases and some books. I mentioned all of the essential elements of a contract so I'm pretty sure I'll get some marks and it's only worth 10% of the final grade anyway. I should prolly start working on Decembers assignment now though eh? 

Haha. Have a good day all. 

Drama 

xoxoxoxo

I like reading your diary.

Hope you have a nice day.

Stace x

I am tired. Oh my gosh. What a day. I fit in my assignment getting up very early. Not all the words needed or input I prolly could've done with another few hours but I did it and that is a massive accomplishment with everything else going on right now. 

I fit in a full days work too. I managed to get some files reviewed. I had alot of enquiries from colleagues about a meeting I'm chairing next week and I answered them all. I chatted with a colleague who was stressed about feedback she was getting in an inappropriate way so I flagged it with the boss and he's booked a meeting with her now which I believe she was too scared to sort herself. She's a hard-working good lass, she doesn't deserve ill-treatment. I hope she doesn't mind me butting in to her business but I suspect she knows what kind of person I am and that I would fix it. 

I went to the pub with Hubby (my choice) after work. We saw our friends T&J and I'm glad we went cos they lost their dog and we are dog parents so we were the right people for them to spend an hour with talking about it. I feel their loss. It's so heartbreaking. Poor loves. 

I took Hubby and the dog home. She's had 3 handfuls of complete food (by playing flick football with it) and she's had a chicken breast. I left her home cos there's lots of fireworks going off. She's pretty scared of them so I wasn't gonna leave her in the car whilst I worked. 

I went and did both of my cleaning jobs properly.

It's only now that I sit down that I realised today is Debbie Day and I don't have her anymore. I miss her. Alot! 

It was a great part of my week over the last few weeks to be able to talk about all my crazy thoughts and have someone talk about them in a way that makes me feel less crazy. Didn't matter what I said she never judged me. She never made me feel like I should be locked up. I was scared initially of talking to her incase that happened but she assured me it wouldn't. Anyways, I had a very productive good day and it would've been nice to let her know that I challenged my negative voice and did some good stuff. 

N'nite all. I have been reading some of your diaries lately and you are all doing so well. I will try comment soon (not drunk this time). 

Drama

xoxoxo

Woke up thinking it was Thursday so it was a pleasant surprise to find out it's actually Friday! Wahoo. It's nice to be back looking forward to this day. For so long I've dreaded it as it was my worst day gambling usually. No more! 

I worked from home again. Now the weight of my assignment is off my shoulders, I found it much easier to focus on work and bashed through loads of reviews. Great stuff. 

I went out at dinner time to see a man about a dog on behalf of Hubby. This man is so flakey. I drive to a village called K to meet him and messaged him to let him know I was on my way and he texted me whilst on route to say, I'm in W now, can you come here instead? Pain in the rear. Anyway so I stopped at Greggs for some sausage rolls for the dog. She's eaten 3! It's not great food but as long as she's eating, I'm happy. The three women behind the counter in Greggs were soooo slow. I was in there like 10 minutes in a queue of 10 people. Seriously, how long does it take to put pre-cooked pasties in a bag and take some money? I was getting rage. Did not show it though. 

I went to W picked up this lad and then he asked me to take him back to K. I also called in at a village called A to pick up a football shirt a lad was selling on FB for a fiver. Bargain and I'm wearing it now. I love it. 

By the time I got home, I'd had an hour and a half lunch break. Ridiculous but my boss doesn't seem to monitor or care about hours so I just logged off at the usual time anyway. 

Watched The Chase on ITV with Hubby. It's become our early evening ritual since I started cleaning. We have a cuppa and enjoy answering all the quiz questions. 

I am not cleaning tonight. I had a tutorial online with the OU between 7-8.30 so I'm gonna do the cleaning at the weekend. 

This meant I got to go in chat for 1/2 hour and see some of you guys. I do like recovery chat. Everyone is real nice. I miss it during the week. 

I'm gonna find a movie or summat and relax. 

G'nite. 

Drama 

xoxoxox

I saw that thing from some journo panhandling for a story. You must be willing to have your picture taken. Um, not on your life! Out myself as a degenerate compulsive gambler for the world to see. Prolly lose both my jobs and have people rip the mickey for the rest of my natural born life. That's a hard no. 

Hi Drama,

Couldn't agree more. I learned something tonight, that not only are they looking for a CG to be photographed but Gamcare is happy to promote this. What message does this send out to the people who bare their souls to this organisation then find out that they're are happy to promote us being photographed and our children & grandchildren reading all about something they know nothing about regarding their family members. Bitterly disappointed to say the least.

Kind Regards

AL

I feel really bad for trying to connect with people like everyone I try to connect with struggles. I am sorry. 

Drama x

Bye. x

Hi drama, I've just read your posts on my diary. Thankyou. I'm more than happy to swap email addresses Hun, just ask admin for mine and I will reply to you when you email. Hope your ok.

Stace x