[Closed] My Last Bad Day

Well for a start I wouldn't be drama..

You reacted to a situation yesterday which we have all done. Matters will settle. 

We all despise gambling.. As I say I could argue with the big guy about it.. Because if I was him I wouldn't have created gambling.. You got your faith. Draw from it today.

I hope you are in chat later.. Please reach out and talk to someone but don't believe the solution lies in you not being here with us..

Take care drama 

Boo ?

Hope you are ok angel. 

I am fine. Just being a Drama Llama. Clues in the name. 

I am in the doghouse but I deserve that. Will update further later. 

Thanks to all in chat. Wise words and comforting words. I feel alot less anxious. 

Laters. 

D

Awww, Drama

Addiction is awful, can create feelings of such shame. We do stuff we would never do without addiction, makes us liars when that's not who we really are.  Although everyone experiences everything in their own way, at least on here we can have an idea of what it feels like to be going through this.

I promise it will pass but hugs for how you are feeling right now. Try to be kind and compassionate with yourself - rather than focus on "guilt" or "bad things" you feel you've done, focus on the thought that you're doing your best. It's all any of us can do.

My Day

I wasn't massively hungover this morning. One cuppa tea and I was right as rain. I can't blame all my troubles on alcohol although it would be easy to do. 

I felt bad. For getting caught mostly. 

Hubby was real upset this morning. He cried and everything. I have never felt more like trash than that moment. 

He wouldn't give me the Debit Card today. I get it, I really do. But I can't live like that. He said I could use contactless on my phone. However, I can't do that. The supermarket check-out is one spot I get anxiety more than anywhere else and the idea I have to ration my shopping to £30 or risk it not going through is just never gonna happen. I told him I'm not going shopping without a card. It's a HARD NO! 

I said if that's how we are gonna do this then you have to be responsible for the weekly shop from now on cos I just won't do it. Not without a card.

I put on a pretty dress this morning. I did it on purpose. I know how to get outta trouble. I put on my Adidas Tennis dress. It's like a cheerleader style in turquoise with a lil' kick flare at the bottom that sashay's when you walk. It's well cute. 

At some point this aft me and Hubby were in the kitchen and he just looked at me, in my eyeballs and he said "you need me to love you more" and he gave me a kiss and a real big hug. It felt like he really meant it. I felt like he gets it. 

He gimme the debit card back. I put on a tracksuit and went to Sainsbury's to get the shop. When I came back, I gave him the card and the receipts from the shop. I don't care about not having it at home. He was happy. 

I made him a tea that he loves. Liver and Bacon and Sausage and Egg and Beans. I think it's minging but he was happy. 

I've also fed the dog some minced meat and dog food. She ate the lot and looks well for it. 

Hubby took me to the pub tonight and then he took my phone off me. I've been asking him for weeks to do it but he said he doesn't want to treat me like a child. I told him today if I'm asking you for help and you do what I ask, then it's my choice. You aren't treating me like a child. 

I feel free. 

Free from temptation. 

It's a nice feeling. 

I am so sorry I upset him. I hate hearing him crying. He's such a strong guy. I feel like the worst of the worst for making that happen. 

However, at least he's on board with the whole recovery thing and doing whatever it takes. 

Also, he appreciates that he can't just deny me money unless he's gonna take responsibility for all the shopping and bills and all that stuff. 

I dunno. Just waffling now. 

G'nite. 

D. 

I can feel myself welling up....so happy for you x

For a day that started badly for you, it’s lovely to see that you had the strength to turn it around through your own actions and strong mindset!!

be proud of yourself! All of us in the GamCare community are!

Hi Drama,

Liver & bacon, hungry just thinking about it ( please tell me onions too ) Well my day started like it always does took wife, grandson & mother in law in car to the nearest point i could get them to the football ground traffic permitting, ( 7year old grandson enjoying his first ever season ticket ) She asked me call in Asda on way home for bread buns. Of course she had to give me the money and i too gave her receipt when i picked them back up at the end of the match.

When i stopped gambling there was an element of resentment, like i felt controlled & being treated like a child when i agreed to hand over financial control. Imagine a CG trying to navigate a minefield, it's in our nature to take gentle steps with a forefinger in each ear hoping we don't get blown to bits. Like MGR says it ain't there problem it's ours & we are the ones that need to challenge & change our behaviour. So if a loved one tries to walk in front of us risking their lives on the minefield are they trying to protect us from our addiction & destructive behaviour or are they simply trying to control us ?. It's ME that needs to change not my Mrs but i've learned to EMBRACE  support rather than REJECT it. I'm sure my wife & family must have cried buckets over the years all due to my addiction. Never thought i'd say it but my resentment has turned to gratitude. By the way any left overs i'm starving.

Best Wishes

AL

I had a dream that I picked a fight with a lass that knew Karate and she did all this fancy moves and stuff to show me she was gonna kick my a*s and so I grabbed her nose ring and pulled it out. 

This is really making me laugh. 

?? always thought nose rings were hazardous!

My Gratitude List. 

I ate today. 

I have clean drinking water whenever I want it. 

I have nice clothes. 

I have a roof over my head. 

I have a strong work ethic. 

I love my dog. 

Ant Middleton is on the telly tonight. 

I don't let my disabilities get in the way of anything I want to do. 

I have the support of everyone here. 

I have a warm bed to lay down my head every night. 

My Day. 

I had a lie in. I feel better for it. I woke at 5 and watched a thing about Ernest Shackleton and his expedition getting stuck in an ice sheet in 1914 I think it was. It was amazing. I love survival stories. Maybe it's cos I am a survivor. I kinda thought I'd be up from then but Hubby came back to bed and we cuddled up and slept till lunchtime. I'm pleased he came back to bed cos I wouldn't have slept so much. He get's up all the time cos of his coughing with COPD. It disturbs my sleep but I can't sleep in the spare room cos he gets upset. 

I went on chat at lunch and it was nice. 

I went to work this aft and did a real good job. I have 3 jobs to do this week. I've said yes to the extra work cos I wanna replace some of the money I gambled. 

I took the dog to the park after work. 

I made Hubby Liver and Sausage and all that again. He loved it. 

I had Cheese and Potato soup again because I love that. 

I took Hubby to the pub for a pint. He was very sleepy and not into it so we didn't stay long. 

He took my phone this evening without me having to ask. 

It caused me no anxiety or anything. I felt really happy to be rid of it and the temptation it brings. 

Um, what else?

I went on chat tonight. I created a game on the new members forum for us all to chat when we aren't just talking about our days. I thought it might be nice to have positive interactions outside of chat. I'm pleased that some people have played already. 

I am watching SAS who dares wins and then going to bed. 

I am not looking forward to work cos I have a meeting with my boss about working from home all Christmas. I know if he gives me grief, I shall get a sicknote from the Doctors. Not even sorry but I'm doing my best and if you won't let me make my choices about where I wanna be, then i will make them for you. 

I am not right good at being challenged. 

That will do for an update. 

Drama. 

xoxoxox

Thanks drama.. Enjoying the questions x

Boo ?

The game is an awesome distraction from gambling urges ?

Monday - 10 days gamble free. 

Hubby woke up early and turned all the calor gas fires on (kitchen, bathroom and bedroom). Then he woke me up with a cuppa tea and my pills. 

I got to wake up to a warm house and a warm brew. It's the simple pleasures in life that are the best. I ran a bath and put some clean clobber on. My cargo jeans, a navy blue adidas t-shirt with the white logo and a long sleeved adidas training top with the quarter zip. It's also navy blue and with white stripes. I wore some mega battered old Nike trainers that look rubbish but are so so comfy it makes my feet happy. 

I got to work for 8a.m. My boss asked me at 9:50 to update an online tracker with the teams figures for December and mentionned that he had a dial-in at 10.00. Hmmm, that was a mission! I had to run reports on different tools and get someone else to leave the tracker because they owed me a favour and my need was greater and all in all, I got it done. I deffo need to be impressing my boss right now. 

I did my return to work form from being sick and made my boss laugh cos I said I can't remember when I went sick. He was like, how can you not know you were sick. I just said I know I was sick for a fortnight, I can't remember which two days I had off work you cheeky monkey. I said the whole Christmas period has moulded in my mind to a messy sick horrible period, just gimme the days so I can do the forms. He gimme the days. I'm sorry, I know I'm in for a rollicking but I'm not gonna stop being me and I am cheeky. Always. 

I did 6 reviews today and they were real hard ones. I got some support from my colleagues with them. I am glad they are all back from Christmas/New Year leave. 

I was gonna do 2 hours OT tonight for the day job but cos my boss hasn't given me a telling off yet, I dunno that I wanna do any extra. If he's mean, I will sulk so I'm pre-empting my sulk just in case. 

I did two cleaning jobs tonight. I did them both brilliantly last time so they were still clean and that meant I got out early. I managed to get on chat for a spell after so that was nice. 

I am really pleased that people played the ^>v game and we are getting to know each other outside of just talking about gambling or not gambling. So that is nice. 

Oh, I went for dinner with my mate P today and we are gonna go Gym together tommoz. We aren't gonna work out together, just walk up together. He's way fitter than me so I don't want to be shown up. I'll prolly just naff about on a treadmill for a bit till I get comfortable being in that environment again. 

o*g! Nearly forgot, I called in at the Hospice Charity Shop on my way home from the day job and bought the most cutest satchel in the world. It is royal blue in colour and it's leather and it's just big enough to fit my notebook computer that I use for school that is also blue. I am very very happy with this purchase. It doesn't take the place of my Ted Baker bag. I love all my bags equally. Hubby laughed when he saw I'd got another bag. It was good to hear him chuckle. When I put my notebook in it, he got a serious face and said "has that got blocks on it?". I reassured him that it has. 

Um, just now he took my phone. I haven't been drinking but I don't need booze to get a gambling urge. I told him this before. I said it's a good habit to get into, giving up my phone in the evening as that's when I get my urges. 

Okay that will do. 

10 DAYS!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂 

Drama 

xoxoxox