[Closed] My Last Bad Day

Tuesday. 

I woke up at 7. I did not want to get out of bed. I dunno why cos I went to bed at 11 and slept through. I lazed in bed for a half hour reading the news and stuff on my phone. Then I got up, threw some togs on and went to work. Similiar outfit to yesterday but with clean underwear and socks and t-shirt. I'm not a complete scrubber. 

I got to work for 8.40. 

I did 3 reviews today. I upset me boss cos he asked why I wasn't filling in the time and motion spreadsheet and I said I didn't wanna. He's booked us a meeting for Thursday to have that "catch-up" that I've so been looking forward to. 

I had some tuscan bean soup for dinner. Full of veg and beans and stuff. It was very tasty. 

I'm not doing myself any favours with my boss but I can't be bothered lying. I don't like filling in time and motion stuff if it doesn't have all activities on it and my stats are pretty rubbish. I guess I do push back with most authority figures when I can. I dunno why. 

I finished work at 4.30 and got home for 5. I had half an hour at home with hubby. Some tea and toast and then set off my first cleaning job. It's a massive place and there was only two of us. I worked my backside off for two hours. I got outta there around 7.30'ish. I went to my next job and did that. 

I came home and Hubby made me beans on toast and a cuppa. I had that and a brief spell on chat then went to my last job. I appear to have pulled my hamstring at some point this evening. Prolly during the first mopping marathon I did but it kills like mad. 

I took the dog to the park for a stroll and now I'm home watching 24 hours in police custody. 

Then when that's done I'm off to bed. 

I'm WFH tommoz cos I'm seeing Debbie in the afternoon. I'm pleased to get to spend the day away from people. 

That will do. 

Drama 

xoxoxo

Pulled hamstring does not sound at all pleasant ? RICE - rest, ice,compression, elevation  

I had a great visit with Debbie. Feeling very happy. Will update after work. ?

Hello Drama. I was just reading back through my diary and recalled your kind post of the 2nd November. 

I was feeling very distraught at the time, having relapsed the previous day and your words helped me get back on my feet.

Many thanks for your kindness, support and encouragement.

Stephen x 

Wednesday.

I WFH today. Was totally paranoid about my boss thinking I was skiving so I chatted him when I went to the shop for milk and went I went to sandwich shop for breakfast and when I went for lunch. He told me to stop being paranoid but hey, he started it! 

I only completed one review today but I did three. I just have to wait for info. before I can complete the other two. 

I went to the charity shops at dinner time but didn't find ought. 

I went to see Debbie this aft. I did the forms and it was good to say I haven't gambled but it made me laugh cos I had to tell her I didn't gamble cos I got caught trying. So then we talked about that a bit and I couldn't help laughing. I apologised but said it's funny cos I've asked him to take cards and my phone and stuff before but he's given it "we don't have anything if we don't have trust" and "I don't wish to treat you like a child" etc but then faced with my gambling he's now voluntarily taking my phone and I am super happy. She asked if I felt like a naughty child. I said yeah, with getting caught, for sure and I laughed some more. However, I wasn't happy with him crying. That was real sad and I felt bad for that. 

Then I laughed some more when I told her of my plan to get outta trouble with the pretty dress and how it worked a treat. Honestly, I don't reckon I've chuckled so much in a long time. I know this prolly isn't a great reaction to what I'm saying but it's like laughing in Church when you remember summat naughty and then you can't stop. 

Anyway, so Debbie was real serious about me getting ongoing support. She's send me to some Northern Gambling Clinic place. I'm happy with that. She talked about some Alcohol place but I said the Doctor already told me about it and it's a hard no. I can not drink real easy. I've done it last few days. It's not the same as with gambling where I just can't not do it. She accepted my decision. 

She said she would like to talk to my Doctor about me. I agreed with that. I said she has my permission to disclose whatever she wants that she believes is relevant. I explained that I told her that I've told her stuff I'd prolly never be able to tell him. Not in the ten minutes I get with him once every four weeks. It's just awkward. Like when he says how have you been? He means drinking and smoking. He doesn't care about gambling and being mental I don't think. So, if she can say stuff it takes the pressure off of me to do it. 

I told her about doing the breathing more often. It's real annoying when it doesn't work and I don't hit that zen spot though. That puts me off but she said that when I don't "get there" then I should take a moment to say thank you to me for giving myself that time to try. This made me laugh cos it made me think like we were talking about s*x and getting there was the orgasm even though we were talking about breathing and getting the zen zone. Honestly, I just had the worst giggles today. I guess I'm super happy cos I'm gamble free. I dunno. 

Anyways, so I get to see her next week too so that's nice. Hopefully no drama's and I can be less silly than i was today. 

I did my two cleaning jobs tonight and then went to see a man about a dog for hubby. That was a pain in the neck cos I had to meet him out in the country somewhere and I hated the drive. It was a real chore but it's done now. 

Moff to bed. 

Drama 

xoxoxox

Posted by: S♡T♡E♡P♡H♡E♡N

Hello Drama. I was just reading back through my diary and recalled your kind post of the 2nd November. 

I was feeling very distraught at the time, having relapsed the previous day and your words helped me get back on my feet.

Many thanks for your kindness, support and encouragement.

 

Stephen x 

Thank you Stephen. You are doing wonderfully and fill me full of hope that I can do well also. 

You keep going. 

Drama

xoxoxo

Had my meeting with my boss. Handled it with maturity and obvs got all my answers ready. 

I am NOT in any trouble!!! 

Woop woop. 

Feel like I'm winning at life. 

Moff back to work. 

Drama x

? fantastic news

You sweet talker drama ?Boo x

A Bakers Dozen. 

I went to work for 9. I read the paper for a bit then got my notebook and went for the meeting. I was calm and mature when responding to what he said. I'm really glad I got all my giggling outta the way with Debbie yesterday. I told him about my stats and how my extra-curricular stuff (appointments plus reporting and training the team) affect them stats. He accepted that. I also acknowledged that he must've been scared when he didn't know where I was the other day and said I won't let that happen again and I'll keep all my appointments and whereabouts in my calendar from now on. That's on me. 

He wants me to limit WFH to one day a week (subject to appointments and that). I agreed to that. For now. Haha. I'll get back to doing what I want when I want but I have to respect the fear factor involved and I know there's alot of that cos of my current state of mind. You can't have it all ways. 

I went for dinner with my mate P. He asked what I wanted to do so of course I said hit the charity shops. We went up Town. I told him he could go get summat to eat but he's like nar, I'll come browse with you. That was nice. I didn't find ought but it was still fun. 

I did 9 reviews today. That's a big number but they were super simple files so it's not like I had brain drain or ought. 

I went home at 5. I called in at Aldi for some food and the Doctors for my prescription request. I wish I could have a repeat prescription but they won't do that for my happy pills for some reason. I have to go through this requesting rig-moral every 4 weeks. 

I took Hubby to the pub then went and did my cleaning jobs. 

Then I took the dog to the park. 

Then I come home and made a small fry-up for supper. 

Now I'm going to bed. I'm zonked. 

Drama.  

Got my latest assignment score. 54%. Not a great score but it is an improvement on my last one. 

I really need to do better though. These scores don't reflect my actual ability. 

Drama. 

54% for an assignment done in about 4 hours is pretty decent ?. Imagine what it could be?? Distinction material I reckon

Thank-you so much Murlo. I was feeling kinda rubbish but you gave me a new perspective on my achievement and it is an achievement. There aren't many people that could hustle and get an assignment done in that short time. I'm glad I didn't quit on my dream to get a degree. I will hold onto that thought. Thank-you again poppet. xxxxx

Fri-Yay! 

Hubby took my phone from me as soon as I got in from work. I am so so grateful for this. Last night he went to bed before me. I knew that my phone was by the side of my bed and was sorely tempted to do the badness. 

I chatted with a person on the helpline for a spell. They were real nice. I told them exactly why I was having an urge and that and as I calmed down, I was like just one more minute and I'll be okay and they were like, it's okay take your time. I always feel like I'm robbing someone else of the opportunity to chat when I'm on there so I wanna get off as quick as possible so I don't do that but I know when I need it. 

When I finished the chat. I layed on the couch and did the breathing thing that Debbie taught me. I can't say I hit the sweet spot but I was proud of myself for trying. I felt like I could go up to bed and just put something on to listen to and get to sleep. I didn't say thank-you like Debbie said to do cos I would feel like  a twerp but I'll take proud of me for trying any day of the week. Anyway, so I woke up today, day 14, gamble free and happy. 

I went to the office. I did zero work. I am brain dead. I have nothing in the tank. I just pratted about all day. Hopefully, I shall make up for this tommoz. I'm down for 5 hours OT. I can earn mega bucks in my day job if I do OT so I'm gonna do that for the next 4 weeks and ignore my cleaning job boss cos I really struggle with saying no. It's like he makes me feel guilty for his problems and I just cave and do what he wants. I hate that. 

Tonight I did my marathon clean and then went on chat. I enjoyed it. I really feel part of some sort of recovery team where we all gee each other along. I am grateful for all the support I get, honest I am. 

I am now tired out. I have done too many hours this week so need to sleep and just catch up with myself. 

It's my Mum's Birthday tommorow. Last year I gave her a photo of my Granddad and a horse ornament. Granddad was my favourite person on the planet. I loved him. He collected horse ornaments. When he died everyone else got to choose something from his flat but me which is pretty cruel when you consider I actually went to visit him every week and take him his fish and chips on a Friday and make him a pint pot of tea. I cannot tell you how much I loved him. So to give up the only photo I had because I knew she wanted it was tough going. She opened the present, slammed the box down on the counter, went out the back door and slammed it behind her. 

I want my photo back. I kinda told myself that taking a picture of it and having the digital copy would be the same but it isn't and the way she reacted to the present was horrid. I don't wanna see her tommoz but I'll have to. I'm not getting her ought. She would hate whatever I tried to give her anyways  so what's the point? 

Anyways I am waffling now. I am tired and off to bed. 

Oh, I found a lovely little horse in a charity shop a short time after I gave her one and I decided it was Granddad's present to me and I bought it. It has pride of place on my mantelpiece and I love it. 

Drama x

Saturday. 

I logged in from my bed to do my OT this morning but I wasn't feeling it. I got up, dressed and took myself off up to the Co-op to get some cash from the cashpoint. Then I went to 3 charity shops. I bought myself a grey hoody. It's got like a sheepskin lining and a quarter zip to the neck with 4 brown duffle toggles that go over that. It's real cute. I got Hubby a Cotton Traders long sleeved white top with a roll neck. It fits perfect and he looks smashing in it. He's not a fan of any kind of roll neck but it's such a nice thing that I told him it would really suit him and I believe he likes it. 

I called in at the sandwich shop and got Hubby a Bacon and Egg and I had a Steak Canadienne w/onions and hot sauce. I also went to the chemist to pick up my happy pills on account of me being mental. I need them. 

I logged back onto work at 12 and worked till 5. I watched the Arsenal game and my teams game. My team lost. It sucks. We are sliding down the leagues like a Fireman down a pole but hey ho, we scored a goal. 

I got 3 reviews done. Two were pretty technical and I concentrated on them and one was just some chancer so it wasn't so hard to do. 

I told Hubby I was going to the park after work. I didn't. I went to see my Mum. This is why I didn't want to talk about it in chat. He monitors my chats so I can't talk privately in there. He doesn't look at this forum so I can say what I like. He was a data comms engineer. He knows networks and programming and everything. I have caught him spying numerous times before anyone asks how I know. I see my conversations on his screen when he's not careful to turn it off. Anytime I'm on chat, he could be watching. This is unacceptable but it's my life. I just want Murlo to understand why I couldn't talk about visiting my Mum when Hubby wasn't aware of it. 

My Mum gave me a pair of green suede ankle boots with gold circle metal dots round the ankle. They are so cute. Also some black ankle boots with two straps that show a little bit of skin. She gimme a green handbag with brown plastic handle and a brown leather cross body arm strap. She also got me some smellies. I am very happy with what she bought. It's all very thoughtful and lovely. 

I called her at 12 midday to check it was okay to visit. We had a brief chat and I cried. I told her that I cried because I felt guilty that I hadn't got her any present for her birthday but the truth is, I was just overwhelmed with emotion at making the call because I never know what to expect. 

She was super lovely when I visited. When my Mum is well, she's the salt of the earth. It's worth putting up with the bad times to have these brief spells of having mother/daughter time. Honest it is. It's hard to explain but you crave it and when you get it, it's the best. She hugged and kissed and loved on me. I suspect it was my crying earlier that invoked this display of motherly affection but I will take it any damned day of the week. 

I took the dog up the park. We played some Pokemon and then I took Hubby to the pub. 

I came home and went on chat. I wished I hadn't. To hear someone talking about mental health just being an excuse people use for their gambling makes me sick to my stomach and also very angry mad. I am mentally ill. I know I am. I work. I work damned hard. I don't use MH as an excuse for anything. I don't try and avoid my debts which I could do. I could use all sorts of arguments but my take is I spent it, I'll repay it. I don't claim benefits when I could easily get PIP or DLA with my history. I don't use my crazy brain as an excuse for ought. I just put one foot in front of the other and try to think of reasons to stay alive. 

I think people should be more cautious of their comments and the impact they have on other people. 

I am so fragile. I play it tough but I'm really not. I am also kinda sad I think. I will talk to Debbie about it on Wednesday. 

I think I'm done with chat though. Can't let anyone get in the way of my recovery. 

D. 

I am smiling about your visit to you mum's drama. That is just so lovely ?

I do not know what to say about chat. I kind of feel numb but I may have said more than I intended to after you left. I think I will.stick to.the 1pm ones. 

It wouldn't be right if we couldn't talk some how. The chat thing has kept me alive over the last 10 wks I reckon