[Closed] My Last Bad Day

Thank-you so much Murlo. I was feeling kinda rubbish but you gave me a new perspective on my achievement and it is an achievement. There aren't many people that could hustle and get an assignment done in that short time. I'm glad I didn't quit on my dream to get a degree. I will hold onto that thought. Thank-you again poppet. xxxxx

Fri-Yay! 

Hubby took my phone from me as soon as I got in from work. I am so so grateful for this. Last night he went to bed before me. I knew that my phone was by the side of my bed and was sorely tempted to do the badness. 

I chatted with a person on the helpline for a spell. They were real nice. I told them exactly why I was having an urge and that and as I calmed down, I was like just one more minute and I'll be okay and they were like, it's okay take your time. I always feel like I'm robbing someone else of the opportunity to chat when I'm on there so I wanna get off as quick as possible so I don't do that but I know when I need it. 

When I finished the chat. I layed on the couch and did the breathing thing that Debbie taught me. I can't say I hit the sweet spot but I was proud of myself for trying. I felt like I could go up to bed and just put something on to listen to and get to sleep. I didn't say thank-you like Debbie said to do cos I would feel like  a twerp but I'll take proud of me for trying any day of the week. Anyway, so I woke up today, day 14, gamble free and happy. 

I went to the office. I did zero work. I am brain dead. I have nothing in the tank. I just pratted about all day. Hopefully, I shall make up for this tommoz. I'm down for 5 hours OT. I can earn mega bucks in my day job if I do OT so I'm gonna do that for the next 4 weeks and ignore my cleaning job boss cos I really struggle with saying no. It's like he makes me feel guilty for his problems and I just cave and do what he wants. I hate that. 

Tonight I did my marathon clean and then went on chat. I enjoyed it. I really feel part of some sort of recovery team where we all gee each other along. I am grateful for all the support I get, honest I am. 

I am now tired out. I have done too many hours this week so need to sleep and just catch up with myself. 

It's my Mum's Birthday tommorow. Last year I gave her a photo of my Granddad and a horse ornament. Granddad was my favourite person on the planet. I loved him. He collected horse ornaments. When he died everyone else got to choose something from his flat but me which is pretty cruel when you consider I actually went to visit him every week and take him his fish and chips on a Friday and make him a pint pot of tea. I cannot tell you how much I loved him. So to give up the only photo I had because I knew she wanted it was tough going. She opened the present, slammed the box down on the counter, went out the back door and slammed it behind her. 

I want my photo back. I kinda told myself that taking a picture of it and having the digital copy would be the same but it isn't and the way she reacted to the present was horrid. I don't wanna see her tommoz but I'll have to. I'm not getting her ought. She would hate whatever I tried to give her anyways  so what's the point? 

Anyways I am waffling now. I am tired and off to bed. 

Oh, I found a lovely little horse in a charity shop a short time after I gave her one and I decided it was Granddad's present to me and I bought it. It has pride of place on my mantelpiece and I love it. 

Drama x

Saturday. 

I logged in from my bed to do my OT this morning but I wasn't feeling it. I got up, dressed and took myself off up to the Co-op to get some cash from the cashpoint. Then I went to 3 charity shops. I bought myself a grey hoody. It's got like a sheepskin lining and a quarter zip to the neck with 4 brown duffle toggles that go over that. It's real cute. I got Hubby a Cotton Traders long sleeved white top with a roll neck. It fits perfect and he looks smashing in it. He's not a fan of any kind of roll neck but it's such a nice thing that I told him it would really suit him and I believe he likes it. 

I called in at the sandwich shop and got Hubby a Bacon and Egg and I had a Steak Canadienne w/onions and hot sauce. I also went to the chemist to pick up my happy pills on account of me being mental. I need them. 

I logged back onto work at 12 and worked till 5. I watched the Arsenal game and my teams game. My team lost. It sucks. We are sliding down the leagues like a Fireman down a pole but hey ho, we scored a goal. 

I got 3 reviews done. Two were pretty technical and I concentrated on them and one was just some chancer so it wasn't so hard to do. 

I told Hubby I was going to the park after work. I didn't. I went to see my Mum. This is why I didn't want to talk about it in chat. He monitors my chats so I can't talk privately in there. He doesn't look at this forum so I can say what I like. He was a data comms engineer. He knows networks and programming and everything. I have caught him spying numerous times before anyone asks how I know. I see my conversations on his screen when he's not careful to turn it off. Anytime I'm on chat, he could be watching. This is unacceptable but it's my life. I just want Murlo to understand why I couldn't talk about visiting my Mum when Hubby wasn't aware of it. 

My Mum gave me a pair of green suede ankle boots with gold circle metal dots round the ankle. They are so cute. Also some black ankle boots with two straps that show a little bit of skin. She gimme a green handbag with brown plastic handle and a brown leather cross body arm strap. She also got me some smellies. I am very happy with what she bought. It's all very thoughtful and lovely. 

I called her at 12 midday to check it was okay to visit. We had a brief chat and I cried. I told her that I cried because I felt guilty that I hadn't got her any present for her birthday but the truth is, I was just overwhelmed with emotion at making the call because I never know what to expect. 

She was super lovely when I visited. When my Mum is well, she's the salt of the earth. It's worth putting up with the bad times to have these brief spells of having mother/daughter time. Honest it is. It's hard to explain but you crave it and when you get it, it's the best. She hugged and kissed and loved on me. I suspect it was my crying earlier that invoked this display of motherly affection but I will take it any damned day of the week. 

I took the dog up the park. We played some Pokemon and then I took Hubby to the pub. 

I came home and went on chat. I wished I hadn't. To hear someone talking about mental health just being an excuse people use for their gambling makes me sick to my stomach and also very angry mad. I am mentally ill. I know I am. I work. I work damned hard. I don't use MH as an excuse for anything. I don't try and avoid my debts which I could do. I could use all sorts of arguments but my take is I spent it, I'll repay it. I don't claim benefits when I could easily get PIP or DLA with my history. I don't use my crazy brain as an excuse for ought. I just put one foot in front of the other and try to think of reasons to stay alive. 

I think people should be more cautious of their comments and the impact they have on other people. 

I am so fragile. I play it tough but I'm really not. I am also kinda sad I think. I will talk to Debbie about it on Wednesday. 

I think I'm done with chat though. Can't let anyone get in the way of my recovery. 

D. 

I am smiling about your visit to you mum's drama. That is just so lovely ?

I do not know what to say about chat. I kind of feel numb but I may have said more than I intended to after you left. I think I will.stick to.the 1pm ones. 

It wouldn't be right if we couldn't talk some how. The chat thing has kept me alive over the last 10 wks I reckon

Love you a million bags of sugar drama xxxx

Boo ?????

Dear Drama,

I am sorry to hear that the chat room was difficult for you this evening; it sounds like the conversation was around some sensitive topics and it is possible that some things were said that were not intended or were maybe not thought through as to how they may be interpreted before posting. I do hope that when you are ready, you will consider returning and continue to wish you all the very best with your recovery. It is clear that you are working really hard at doing all you can to achieve your well deserved successes.

Forum Admin

Murlo, you know me well enough by now. I will not stay mad forever. I never do. I get over my bad mood and I'm back having processed my thoughts and feelings. It just takes me a time to do it. 

I am 15 days into my 90 days promise. I aim to keep my promise. I stay gamble free for 90 days, I will swap details. I just wanna be a good influence on your recovery. I hope you let me hold onto that promise. 

I feel bad already for leaving the chat and the effect it's clearly had on you. 

I am calming down and I didn't even bother the helpline to do it so this is some major progress!

Love you pal. 

Drama x

I couldn't be happier that you are feeling calmer. No need to feel bad for leaving chat at all just wanted to know you are ok. You need to do what is right for you. I want nothing more than that. 

Love you lots xx

Glad to hear drama.. You really are a sagittarian like me.. One minute up like a bottle of pop then soon forget and restored.. Your recovery is all we need.. 

Sleep well 

We are sage and councillors to the other star signs by the way ?

Boo! I'm real keen on the zodiac and I believe my real sign is actually Ophiuchus. It's the serpent healer sign. Guess what? You'll never guess so I'll tell you. My actual name is an anagram of Humane Serpent. 

Cool huh? 

Drama x

Oh that's my homework for late evening.. 

Night and bless. 

Boo ?

I have brain ache with that anagram ...

Um I can't tell you cos I shouldn't have posted that. So if you figure it out then just gimme a wink. x

No chance of figuring that out in the next year or so. And I am good at scrabble

You will find out in 75 days. Promise. I can't tell you enough how important it is to me to keep this promise but it really is. It will happen. It's my thing to look forward to. Being mates with you. 🙂 

That's 2 of us scuppered.. Off to zzzzz land 

Boo ??