My lies, my deceit, my self destruction.....my life, my recovery, my one day at a time

Dear Sarah....reading your posts...took me back to my early days.....said just the same as you're saying now love...
You'll get through this. ...I can just feel it....keep plodding on ....you're doing just what you need to do....each day you will get stronger. ..x

Sarah

I think we have chatted in the chat groups, your story is pretty similar to mine (ours) been with husband for 14 years two beautiful kids plus a daughter he has bought up as his own since the age of 2, I have just caught him for the 5th and bailed him out, thankfully this time it was only £2k but not ideal when we have just had a huge extension done and a new big monthly mortgage payment to go with it, I can cope with the money but can’t cope with the deceit and lies, I hope we can sort it like you and your partner, I go from anger and hate to feeling sorry for him and wanting to support him, it’s a big rollercoaster of emotions, I don’t want to lose our marriage to gambling and hope we can get through it! Good luck on your journey you’re doing great x

Thanks loxxie,

Your support and kind words mean so much with all the gf days behind you. I am trying with every piece of my body to stay strong, put a brave face on i really am. Did you attend the ga meetings? It’s the one thing I haven’t accessed and wondering if I should. Just don’t want to take too much on at the same time.

I didnt/havnt used ga. ..
Nothing very near to me...but thats not to say i wouldn't. ..if I felt I needed more support...
I found counselling and suppport from a few close friends on here was all I wanted in my early days...but I'll never say never...
My house suddenly became the cleanest one around....I had spent years just doing the basics...done lots of decorating to. ...my pride returned....in my home...and myself....and it obviuosly kept me busy....which really helped when those early urges struck...
The guilt and shame has even passed now.....it was my past...and I dealt with it....it's in a little box in my head....I take a peep at it now and then...just to remind myself why I dont ever want to go back there...coming on here and supporting anybody I can .....that's helpfull to me as well.....and I was given so much support from here....it's nice to repay the favour...
Soooo just keep doing what you're doing love....no right or wrong way....the real way....is what works for you x

Hi leebee,

We have spoken in chat. Our stories due have similar traits you’re right. I hope you and your husband can work through this and have a bright future. I’m sure with your support he will do well.

Well tonight I can not sleep.

Had a text off my brother, brought and raised up some issues from childhood. upsetting to say the least. I don’t have any words or answers for him. I cried in the arms of my wonderful partner. I don’t for one minute think he realised the mess I am underneath. I feel broken.

counselling session in the morning. I’m ready for that!

Another day gf. One day at a time.

Pour it all out to youre counsellor love....it's painfull to dig into those places that we've all kept hidden ....those events...things that were said and done....or not said...but it's got to be done....i can remember thinking its all a bit like a nasty cut....damage done...a scab forms over it...we think all is ok.....but its not untill that lovely new fresh skin grows that a wound really has healed....
But it eventually....it heals...
I'm so pleased hubby is with you ...don't forget....gsmecare will support him as well if he wants it..
Today's a brand new day.....enjoy you're session...x

Sat waiting to go in for my session. Hope the tissue box is ready.

Thanks San and loxxie your support and words are very much appreciated. I feel like my past and my present are separate issues but are now colliding. I moved out of my mums when I was 16. My brother stayed. He did and still has a relationship with her. I don’t and haven’t done since being 16. Fast forward to the present. He has spoken to my mum about my addiction and the lies and deceit that has brought as well as the obvious hurt I have caused him. We have always had a close relationship despite our parents. He has always accepted that I left and we have never really discussed it. He now states that we will never get past this until I admit I lied about mum. I didn’t lie.

Off to my session.

Day 20.

Found my session yesterday very emotional. Raised issues I had hidden in boxes in my brain years ago. Spoke to my partner and dad yesterday afternoon- felt better for talking to them too.

Work today, pay day, no thoughts of gambling. Transferred remaining wages to partner.

Positive day!

Sometimes those boxes need to be emptied love....'re file the stuff thats in them.....a good sort out is always a posative move. ..and talking is the key to a tidy box....
So glad it's been a posative day...
Xx

Dear diary,

21 days! In once sense it’s flown by and in another it’s been a rollercoaster!

Good day today, busy day at work. No time for self pitty.

Relationship with partner strong. Looking forward to family time this weekend.

Still not had any contact from my brother. Only time will tell I suppose.

More dd to move tomrrow - the practical side of my mess.

Onwards and upwards is the only way. Feeling a little proud of far I have come in three weeks.

Well done . Once you get a few pay days under your belt you will feel better still . You won’t be relying on them and thinking about when you can next gamble to try and get back the money you lost by borrowing or getting a loan for

Thanks Bryan. I am looking forward to it. The last few years when I look back have been an awful mess.

Day 22.

Sorted more dd.

Been out for the day...what a lovely day we have had. It has reinforced and strengthened yet again my desire to never gamble again. We have spent money that only last month we would not have had. I would have gambled it away. We wouldn’t have gone anywhere. Was lovely being able to go out and be “normal”. Meal, pictures, new football boots for our son.

I won’t sit here and and think of my wrongs tonight. Today has been a good day and it’s staying like that.

Day 24.

Dear diary,

Another good day under my belt. Half term, sat doing activities with son. Not getting dressed till late. Pure bliss.

Dad called by...had a natter.

After talking on chat last night regarding brother - feel a little less anxious about that side of things.

Partner still being amazing....he is truly one of a kind. I’m so lucky to have him by my side.

Next counselling session Wednesday. Looking forward to it.

Dear diary,

Day 26 gf

Today I have my third session with my Councellor. Once again I’m nervous and apprehensive. Not sure why really....I find them relaxing in a way when I come out.

Staying gf has not been too difficult. I have the stops in place and no access to money. I have also enjoyed time with my son. Really taken time to appreciate him. Not bobbing off to look at my phone and play the slots. The guilt I carry for doing that, looking back...what sort of mother does that make me.

Still no communication from my brother. Find that emotionally difficult but for the time being I’m leaving that alone as I am concentrating on other aspects of my addiction.

My partner is still the most amazing person I know! So caring and supportive.

My dad has given me a little space although I have spoken to him a few times .

Feeling mostly positive but the sadness still sits close to the surface. The things I’ve done, the hurt I have caused.