Hi. I am a problem gambler. I have gambled for most of my adult life. Probably around 35 years now. I estimate I’ve lost 250k in that time on the horses. I’ve been bankrupt and been on IVA through debts incurred from gambling. The longest I’ve ever stopped gambling for is 15 months during that time.
I was going through another successful period of non gambling of around five months when lockdown hit in March 2020. I also got a bout of Covid at this time and was off work sick for a sustained period of seven weeks. Being really poorly and living alone my biggest challenge was loneliness and boredom as well as recovery . I have always been a fan of the horses. It was Cheltenham festival and stupidly I decided I would have a small bet or two for entertainment. This worked well for a short while. I kept the stakes low and amazed myself by actually showing a fair profit. After that racing was taken off air and I was ok, saved by circumstances.
Fast forward to December and after a good period back at work I had to self isolate for 14 days through a colleague having Covid. During this period again stupidly I turned to the horse racing. I lost heavily. I then tested positive myself which prolonged the gambling. I find myself now on sick permanently with massive decline in my mental health. I have been suicidal and now on medication to stabilise me.
In order to pay off credit card debts after December disaster I took a loan for 10k. Instead of paying off the debts I started gambling with the loan money. I lost 8.5k of that money on the horses and will be paying back the loan over five years. Five years of life gone again.
I have now had to cash in one of my pensions to pay off the credit card debt. My future retirement pot wasted on a few weeks of madness. Is there any wonder I’m suffering with depression?
The ironic thing is my anxiety was sky high when I thought I was gonna die from the virus. I was truly scared. I didn’t wanna die yet. Then after my gambling episode I actually planned suicide. What’s wrong with me?
I have come to Gamcare cos I’m totally ashamed of myself. I want to get better all round and I never want this to repeat again. Enough. If I do this again I am positive I will take my own life because of it and I can’t let that happen, I have grown up children . I need help here in maintaining my strength and keeping the gambling at bay forever. Hopefully I can keep it at bay. I can’t replace it with other addictions any longer because of lockdown. Please help me and support me through my journey. I hope I can be a help to others too. We’re here for one reason, to get better and stop gambling
Thank you.
Dear @loserville,
Thank you so much for coming to the forum and for sharing your story.
It sounds like you have had a long and tough relationship with gambling and that at times it has not been a good friend to you. I’m particularly sorry and concerned to hear that you have experienced a massive decline in your mental health and that you had at one time actually planned suicide.
When problem gambling causes thoughts of ending your life then you need as much help and support as you can get and there are services who are there for you. I hope that you been able to talk to your GP about your feelings and your thoughts. It is so important that you look after your mental health right now and they will want to talk to you about how they can help.
The ‘Samaritans’ and’ Mind’ are other useful services at times should you find it hard to cope –
'Samamtians' - https://www.samaritans.org/ call 116 123
'Mind' - https://www.mind.org.uk/ 0300 123 3393
If you are ever feeling suicidal, and planning to end it, then please call 999 for help.
Please know that we are here for you 24/7, we can talk about the options that are open to you to start your recovery and to offer on-going help on your journey to becoming gamble free. We are on the helpline 0808 8020 133 or the netline via the website.
Kind regards
Jo
Forum admin
Hi there.
I’ve been a problem gambler 20 years. My love for horse racing was fun at first then it turned into love for what money I could win and not the sport. A 10p lucky 15 would turn into a £1 then £10. I then found the machines and casinos. I signed up to gamstop a few month ago which as helped massively but found myself putting big bets on others accounts. Over a week ago I lost a considerable amount of money and the depression and anxiety hit me massively. I then decided to sign up to this and found chatting helped. Stories of recovery and how “yes we can do this” set targets and keep busy to take my mind off gambling. I really hope you can get yourself in a better place and start a journey what in time will hopefully help the mental health.
wish you all best
shaun
Thank you for your comments. Yes I have spoken to my GP and I am receiving help through counselling and continuing with medication and cbt . I am determined that this time I will see this through to the end. I will not let this beat me. Gambling has ruined the majority of my life so far. I will not let it take it all. There are a few reasons that I’ve found that I suffer particularly with addiction. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder some years ago now and also suffered horrific abuse as a child. I guess it’s hard for me to turn this corner because of it but turn it I will. I understand that in many cases there is something in people’s past that fuels the addiction. I will learn to love myself again and hope and pray that others can too. I know that it has to stop for good and have done for many years, that’s why I keep persevering.
Apologies for talking about subjects such as this this in my diary but that’s how my bpd makes me, I hope it’s not offensive to anyone . I just come straight out with it, always. I am very self aware but all too often feel helpless to do something about my issues.
Thank Shaun. I hope we can continue support of each other.
No problem at all mate. Focus on the future and try forget the past. Keep login on and count them days. Tomorrow will always be a better day if we both don’t have gambling in our life.
keep in touch
Day two over with. I’ve been poorly today. Diarrhoea, stomach cramps, feeling sick, chills and headache. I’m sure this is my nervous reaction to not gambling. I’ve wanted to but I haven’t and I put some blocks in place so that I can’t. Hoping I’ll feel better about things tomorrow.
@loserville There are no physical symptons to not gambling. You are probably poorly. If you accept that then you don't have to potentially use an excuse of feeding the habit to take the symptons away.
Can I also suggest changing your username. I know a lot of people look at usernames and try to be clever or have some twist on a non gambling theme, but if you log on to this every day as a loser what does that say for your mental health?
No one with an addiciton is a loser, we cannot help what we became addicted to. What you can do though is improve your life from here on in. There is no situation that cannot be worked through. Suicidal feelings, huge losses and debt, maybe break ups of family, imprisonment, and more. Lots of people on here have had these thoughts and feelings and with help and helping yourself you can get your life back on track.
The point is you are not alone, you are not so far gone that you cannot be helped, and you can have a good life that gambling may have taken away from you.
Good luck to you.
Chris.
Thanks for your comment Chris but you know very little and you’re certainly not being helpful either. Are you a doctor? Cos if so you’re not a very good one. Have you never heard of anxiety mimicking symptoms? Have you never heard of IBS? Yes I suffer it and stress and anxiety is the catalyst for me in this respect. I am nervous and stressed cos I’m embarking on another major change and thought about gambling yesterday which definitely contributed to my feeling unwell. It’s always hardest during the first week or two. So yes not gambling for me did partly cause my physical symptoms with anxiety and nerves.
Every time I walked into a bookies in the past I was straight to the toilet. In my mind I knew I shouldn’t be there and that in turn effected my gut. You’ve obviously never suffered IBS. Explain that?
For your information I’m bright as a button this morning so no I wasn’t ill physically. My mental state causes those physical symptoms. Please try to understand and not be such a closed door.
No I will not be changing my username either. Personally I need to be reminded of what gambling has taken from me and when I have gotten over that then I might change it to something more positive when I feel that way. I’ve come on here to be real and describe the pain that I feel and let go of it. Instead I’m criticised by you. Not a very pleasant welcome.
This is my thread and you already appear to have taken a dislike to me for telling my own truth. I’m not coming here to say nice things and play the positive when those are lies. You’ll get how I’m feeling day to day. Good or bad. Every addiction is personal to the individual. There is no right way forward for everyone. I’m not here to please anyone. I’m here to get my feelings out and to help others with words of support.
If you don’t like what I’m saying then don’t read my thread and please don’t comment if all you’re gonna do is criticise.This is about me not you. Have I misunderstood the whole purpose of Gamcare.
Thank you , Loserville.
I was only trying to help.
I have suffered stress through gambling and working, I suffered with IBS my entire 30's. I have been in hospital with diverticulitis, an over 40 version of IBS. I never had a side effect of not gambling.
I have been a compulsive gambler my entire life. I have lost everything. I have had suicidal thoughts. I have lived your life and come out the other side. That's the point you seemed to have missed. I know how this can end, good and bad, and I wanted my experience of recovey to be able to help you. I got it wrong.
I'm not aware of where I criticised you. If you want your username so be it, for someone suffering like you are I was hoping you wouldn't want to be reminded everyday, and as I said, you aren't a loser, you are an addict.
You said you are a straight talker, me too. I'm not a loser though, I'm an addict, and I put a lot of effort in my recovery to keep the addiction at bay. I was hoping my help could help you.
I certainly haven't taken a dislike to you, I don't know you from anyone else on here, and I wish you good luck on your recovery.
Chris.
Chris, that is your opinion. I make my own choices, have my own set of symptoms. I’m no spring chicken. I’ve been here many times in the past. I’ve made several attempts to stop gambling during my time. One of those was for one year and three months. On another occasion I reached almost a year.
I’m lucky enough to have had a good job that pays well during all of that time. Even though I’ve been addicted to gambling amongst other things I’ve still had a good life to a degree but could’ve been so much better. It has effected significant others though and ruined relationships. I suffer and am diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, I’m lucky to be able to even function in a normal world. Please go and read up on that and you may understand me a little bit more. You’re right you don’t know me so please don’t comment as you do and then maybe we can move on from this little disagreement and be friends and support each other’s recovery as we are supposed to.
I suggest reading your words in your reply to me and you’ll see why I was offended. Maybe choose your words more carefully. They can be taken not in the way they were meant.
Thanks LV
My insomnia has been worse than ever over the last few weeks. It has nothing to do with my gambling. I’ve not slept well since the death of my long term partner a few years ago now. I miss her like crazy.
I find that I still like to talk to her.
So I had my third counselling session today. My counsellor is good and understands my illness. I opened up a lot and felt relieved afterwards. I later tried to tackle some outstanding bills. Ended up having a huge raving rant to a call taker from my electric company. It turned out she was right and I was wrong but I couldn’t see that at the time. I wish I could apologise to her.
Ive got my vaccination to attend. I feel that’s really important so I’ll arrive in good time. I’ve lots of respect for the NHS and people who work within it. I’ve no time for these crazy conspiracy theorists who are somehow convinced that Covid is a con. They’re crazier than I am. I’ve had it twice and wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
Anyway that’s my life over the last day. As for gambling, not even thought about it. I guess when my day is full I’m not interested. That might be the key. Stay busy, avoid sports on TV and continue with blocks. Couldn’t be easier said the people who don’t suffer the affliction. Until tomorrow:
Loserville - Gambling addict signing out - 4 days clean.
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