My life with addiction

Dan

Fella your last post ruminated around my mind a great deal since I read it, I fully understand it's meaning and the fact that again it shows that no matter how many days continued abstinence are accumulated they could be destructed with a poor decision.

Recovery for me holds the same consuming power as addiction, once I found the want to live it I have seen it's power grow.

The difference in the outcome is north and south

I know which one rewards honest truth and effort.

Thanks again for contributing to my recovery.

Abstain and maintain.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

What can I say Dan, very strong and powerful post, which I have taken on board.

I found it quite emotional when I read it, because you said what I guess I already know, that I will never be able to say that I will promise 100% to my OH that I won't gamble again, I sincerely hope I don't and I will do my very best to contain this addiction, that lays deep inside me,

Thank you yet again for sharing your thoughts.

Suzanne xxx

Thank Tri,GT, Duncs & Suzanne.

Yesterday was a day filled with pain, happiness, sadness, contemplation, realisation & pure unadulterated joy.

My best friend relapsed. A few nights indulging his pain in front of a screen playing blackjack. I saw it coming. He changed all the things that were working for him. He stopped attending GA regularly, he took back control of his money, changed the safe enviroment he was in. In short went back to living in denial of who he was. We talked of how he was neglecting his recovery many times over the months leading up to it but although he always agreed nothing changed. So after some telephone communication yesterday we met up last nite & over a few cold ones started the process again.

There was a moment where i took his relapse personally. How could he do it. Why didnt he talk to me. Why couldnt i save him from it, but thats me trying to control something i cant or have no right to want to. I think we made some headway & today will be a day of less pain for him.

Then late last night i received a lovely message from a GA member who has relocated to another part of the country thanking our group for saving his life & givng him & his children the opportunity to live a happy life. I showed it to my wife with a tear rolling down my face(this may have had something to do with the cold ones earlier) she said why are you crying its a nice message? My answer was that this is where the real joy of recovery comes from, knowing you have played a part in making a difference, that in some small way you have touched someones life for the better. To give your recovery away to a stranger & expect nothing in return.

Man o man i love recovery & the more i work it the more it nourishes my soul in everyway.

One Breath
One Step
One Day At A Time

Ooppps..network issues...dublicate ..sozzz 🙂

Dublicate

Hi Dan,

Enjoyed your last posts 🙂
Didn't realise you are married - most warm wishes to your wife.
You are an inspiration...in some strict way sometimes lol but i like how you express yourself - straight to the subject..black and white..no soothing..that's cool, that's what recovery is about, sometimes we need discipline to understand our poor actions

Keep sailing dear friend, the world is your oyster as you have discovered already 🙂

S x

Hi Dan,

Enjoyed your last posts 🙂
Didn't realise you are married - most warm wishes to your wife.
You are an inspiration...in some strict way sometimes lol but i like how you express yourself - straight to the subject..black and white..no soothing..that's cool, that's what recovery is about, sometimes we need discipline to understand our poor actions

Keep sailing dear friend, the world is your oyster as you have discovered yourself already 🙂

S x

Thanks Sandra thats nice to hear.

A post of thanks today to my addiction.

Dear addiction,
This may come as a shock to you but i would like to thankyou with all my heart. For without you i could never have imagined feeling as at peace with myself & the world in general.
When we first meet i was eight years old, angry,confused,frightened of every emotion i felt. I would throw my toys out of the pram or roll about on the floor in a tantrum everytime i didnt get my way.I was in wonderment at other people that they seemed to be able know happiness, sadness, love, friendship. That they could laugh & smile or cry & feel compassion, when all i felt was empty.
I put 10p in a machine & you arrived instantly. You gave me a mask to hide behind to stop people asking why he behaved this way. You explained to me i didnt need to find these emotions through other people they could all be expressed within addiction & no fear of rejection or judgement would come from you as long as i promised to always feed you.
With you as my constant companion i could do whatever i pleased. You taught me how to smile & laugh in the right places, how to nod & look sympathetic when needed. When to say the right things to get what i wanted & all at no emotional risk to myself. You showed me a way to get through life without having to take part in it.

You took me to some savage places & made me do some terrible things but that was the price for your soothing emotional comfort blanket.
Remember the first time you made me steal.
Remember how you had me sell drugs from the school toilets.
Remember how you had me P********e my body at 14 to fund our time together.
Remember how you made me embezzle
Remember how you made me steal, lie & cheat every person who ever gave me a chance
Remember the time we spent in prison together.
Yes i know you remember them all & the many thousands of other things we did together in my pursuit of not being left alone in my own thoughts & company.
I created you to help me through somethings i didnt understand & i got lost along the way somehow, i indulged your needs because sometimes they suited mine too, but we went so far i forgot it couldnt be forever. That eventually we would kill each other.
30 years we spent in each others company & i think by taking me so low you allowed me to finally face there had to be a better way. When we couldnt face another day in each others company(remember my daughters 2nd birthday?) you introduced me to recovery. I didnt really like him much to begin with, you were much easier to spend time with. He wouldnt take the blame for my shortcomings or sweep things under the carpet. When things went wrong or i needed someone to blame he would simply shrug his shoulders & say well what are You going to do to sort it. He pushed me to GA much to my annoyance & there we have stayed working it through a day at a time. Your still around to warn me when i get complacent or forgetful & its nice to see you for what you are today. Just a coping mechanism, a symptom of my disfunctional emotional health.

So why does this warrent thanks. Well i dont think i could have become the person i am without you. I think i would have just drifted through life not really feeling passionate or enthused by anything or anyone. It took the pain to search for the joy. So yes thanks.

One Breath
One Step
One Day At A Time

f**k (sorry for swearing but the WOW wouldn't do) that was a hard read! I started off practically agreeing with your every word as it whisked me back to my maybe 10, 12 year old self & finding out my grandad had died...No time for tears I had Sonic to Boom! My only proper childhood emotion was for my dear Aunt (Great) but sheesh did that hurt every time she walked out of our door to go home. I didn't have a rubbish childhood, far from it but she lit up my face & broke my heart every single day! I found addiction to be with her & Mr Gamble became my new best friend. He was no where near as loyal but he didn't die when she took her last breath & hey, what do you know as the tears pour down my face, looks like you were right all along about my reason for gambling not just being greed :-0 Sorry about that, back now, with just a dull ache @ the bit about selling your body, I didn't fancy the ha'penny I would have got for mine but that didn't stop me telling her that I had contemplated it 🙁 It broke her, I guess I knew it would, I don't remember exactly what happened after that despite playing the scenario over & over as I remember it like yesterday but I imagine there would have been some sort of pay off 🙁 So all this serves to remind me I was one of the lucky ones, not that I needed reminding...My addiction hurt but even after 30 years I still had enough control over it that it didn't affect my work!

Without it, I would not be the person I am today! I would not be grateful for the weather, I would not smile @ white feathers lying on the ground & perhaps most important of all, I would not know me. It's work in progress, of course it is but my heart has softened & my head less judgmental!

Thank you for sharing & yes, indeed, one breath, one step - ODAAT

My dear Dan,

What a deep powerful post.

Thank you for sharing as always,

Suzanne xxx

Great read, such an honest account thank you for sharing

Hi Dan, thanks for letting me make my own discovery but never forget, ultimately I'm a blond in a strawberry blonde's body so, if I'm taking too long for something glaringly obvious, I probably need a nudge 😉

Hi Dan, a powerful post. 30 years of addiction.

Well done on your continued recovery.

S.A 🙂

x

You'll be relieved to hear there was nothing wilynily about that distribution...Every single one cherry picked & delivered with shaking hands!

Thank-you for seeing the good in me! I am proud but I also know I have a long way still to go...With friends like you to guide the way however, I will never be alone on my journey!

Keep on keeping on - ODAAT