My life with addiction

Sparky777 you mean 😉 Bizarre wasn't it?!? I'm not sure he liked my return serve even having taken the sting out with his sharing!

I must admit my brow remains furrowed! I was gutted @ 1st that I may have said something to prompt the me being on commission statement & I looked @ a few of his posts but as soon as I saw Duncs smile I backed off.

Think we might have to wait a few months for the new season given the track record 😉

Hi Dan

Thanks as ever for your interest in my diary.

No, I had not considered seeing a therapist in psychodynamics. Having looked up what psychodynamics is, I might be interested, but the problem is money. I guess to make it worthhile your looking at 10 sessions or so. In London it's gona be, what, £100 + per hour? Don't really have that money, unless someone came incredibly highly recommended, from somoeone I trusted.

Regarding ACT - it's made up of a few different components. The core aspects are identifying core values and taking committed action, guided by your values (guess that bits not too unusual). This is combined with mindfulness techniques to help us along the way.
One method is 'defusion' - realising that a certain (negative) thought is just that, a transitory thought, it is not a 'fact'. We have the option of whether we want to 'fuse' with that thought. There are techniques to defuse, such as, when I have a thought 'people won't accept me for who I am', I turn that to, 'I am aware that I am having a thought that people won't accept me for who I am'. Or, the thought is particularly recurrent, give it the voice of a comic to take away it's edge (eg, saying 'People won't accept me for who I am' - but in the voice of Peter Griffin).

Another is 'expansion' - rather than trying to avoid painful emtion, you connect with it and see the emotion for what it is. I've realised that much of my problem is not 'social anxiety' itself - but anxiety about being anxious, or depression about my anxiety, etc. Our demons loom ever larger the more we shy away. In addition there are mindfulnes techniques which appear to be of a somewhat Budhist nature (connection, observing self).

Although I was looking at CBT originally, I also wasn't totally comfortable with it as I don't believe you can just really control your 'bad feelings' in the way CBT suggests.

Perspectives:

Today was the absolute worst day ever.

And dont try to convince me that

Theres something good in every day.

Because when you take a closer look,

This world is a pretty evil place.

Even if

Some goodness does shine through once in a while

Satisfaction & happiness dont last.

And its not true that

Its all in the mind & heart

Because

True happiness can be obtained

Only if ones surroundings are good

Its not true that good exists

Im sure you can agree that

The reality

Creates

My attitude

Its all beyond my control

And you will never in a million years hear me say that

Today was a good day

Pretty negative post right? Now read it from bottom to top.

One Breath
One Step
One Day At A Time

Love it!! It really is all about perspective.

I like that & I am definately facing the right direction @ last 🙂 I'm just not so sure peace & serenity will try too hard to hunt me down 😉 As long as I keep saying No to my addiction though, I can live with me 🙂

I've been reading too much, too many slips for many reasons but mostly because being in recovery didn't bring complete happiness! I don't want that to happen to me, I can't let it happen & so happy or sad, angry or angrier, I am grateful every day that I realise I have the power over my addiction & so I choose 'no' - ODAAT

It seems relapse is accepted as normal or as part of the process. I found this article by a great writer in the addiction field. It explains why it isnt much better than i could.

One does not have to travel far in the Addiction arena to hear the phrase, “relapse is part of recovery.” The history of the phrase is unclear, although it seems to be of relatively recent origin. The phrase was not present when I entered the worlds of addiction treatment and recovery in the late 1960s. It began appearing with some frequency in addiction treatment conferences and trade journals in the late 1970s and 1980s and inevitably seeped into the meeting rooms of various recovery fellowships. I suspect the early intent of this phrase was a benign one—offering solace and hope to individuals (and their families) being readmitted to addiction treatment or returning to a recovery mutual aid fellowship following additional “research.” One can easily imagine how a counselor or sponsor would positively spin renewed recovery initiation efforts by pointing out important lessons that could possibly be extracted from the recent experience of resumed gambling. However, those good intentions obscure the harm that has come from this simple idea and phrase. It is time—no, past time—we as addiction professionals and recovery advocates abandoned the idea and the phrase. Here are six reasons why.

1. “Relapse is part of recovery” blurs the distinction between pathology and health. One does not hear people describing a reoccurrence of cancer, heart attack, or stroke as part of their recovery from these disorders. Marrying relapse and recovery attaches unwarranted value and nobility to the resumption of gambling and its inevitable consequences. Let's be very clear: the resumption of gambling by someone with a history of addiction is part of the addiction process—in fact, such persistent use is part of the defining criteria of addiction, not part of the process of getting well. Symptoms of illness and progress towards recovery co-exist for most disorders, particularly chronic disorders, but framing symptoms of illness within a recovery rubric destroys the very meaning of recovery. Casting relapse as a dimension of recovery is more than the medical equivalent of putting lipstick on a pig; it injects pathology within the very concept of health and wellness. Illness and health by definition constitute different states. Mushy Ideas and language that blur this distinction undermine addiction recovery by failing to clearly delineate the condition one is seeking to escape from the state to which one is aspiring. “Relapse is part of recovery” has currency only when one has not yet fully experienced the latter.

2. “Relapse is part of recovery” fails to acknowledge the potential for permanent recovery with no continued episodes of gambling. As such, it sets the bar of recovery low, fueling pessimism and deflated expectations for people seeking recovery, their families, their employers, and others with significant influence in their lives. A significant percentage of people completing addiction treatment and/or joining an addiction recovery mutual aid society will never use alcohol or other drugs again in their lives. It is time we acknowledged and celebrated that achievement and that potential for others newly seeking recovery.

3. “Relapse is part of recovery” minimizes the pain and potential loss of life involved in the resumption of gambling. Resumption of gambling within a prolonged addiction career can bring devastating and potentially fatal consequences. Masking this harsh reality behind phrases that portray such use as a helpful learning experience offensive and a disservice to everyone.

4. “Relapse is part of recovery” offers the person seeking recovery an invitation and excuse for continued use. By normalizing episodes of continued gambling, the phrase may well create its own self-fulfilling prophecy. Early recovery from addiction is often characterized by extreme ambivalence about both continued gamblingand cessation of gambling. In the face of such ambivalence, successful recovery involves creating as much distance as possible between oneself and the recently severed gambling relationship. The phrase “relapse is part of recovery” shortens rather than lengthens that distance.
People often bring impaired and distorted thinking to the act of recovery initiation. What is needed in this state are clear language and ideas about what constitutes progress towards health or regression towards re-addiction. “Relapse is part of recovery” lacks this critically needed clarity.

5. “Relapse is part of recovery” is a thin line away from the “once an addict, always an addict” mantra that has fueled decades of addiction-related social stigma. Such language contributes to social stigma by obscuring the potential for and prevalence of full recovery. What does this phrase mean to the spouse or partner deciding whether to remain in a relationship with a person seeking recovery? To the potential employer? To the landlord deciding whether to rent an apartment? To the child welfare worker deciding whether to recommend reunification of a mother and her children? To members of academic admissions committees? To loan officers? To life and health insurance carriers?

6. “Relapse is part of recovery” provides addiction treatment programs an escape from accountability for post-treatment recovery outcomes. It constitutes a request by treatment organizations for a blank check to continually readmit patients who have failed to achieve stable recovery and the right to place responsibility for continued gambling on the nature of addiction recovery and not the inadequate quality treatment methods. The phrase “relapse is part of recovery” has reaped significant financial rewards for the addiction treatment industry, but it has also contributed to public pessimism about addiction treatment. The addiction treatment industry should not be allowed to escape accountability for recovery outcomes nor financially exploit its patients within the shroud of such euphemisms.
Addiction and recovery processes are far too complex to easily capture in simplistic slogans. It is my suggestion that the phrase “relapse is part of recovery” be immediately replaced with statements that are more morally neutral (See White & Ali, 2010), behaviorally precise, scientifically defensible, and therapeutically beneficial. In summary, such statements could include the following:

п‚· Episodes of continued gambling by people addicted are not an inevitable dimension of long-term addiction recovery.

п‚· Many people who commit themselves to an addiction recovery process will never resume gambling in their lives following this commitment to self and others. More than half of all people who seek abstinence as a solution to gamblingnproblems via their admission to addiction treatment will gamble again at least once following their initial resolution to stop use and before they achieve stable (permanently sustainable) recovery.

п‚· An episode of gambling following recovery initiation does not mean that permanent recovery in the future is not possible, but such episodes constitute part of the residual addiction process, not part of the recovery process.
п‚· Episodes of gambling are not part of long-term recovery, but the self-evaluation and recommitment following such episodes may for some individuals serve to bolster future recovery stability.

п‚· There are sources of heightened recovery commitment (other than renewed episodes of gambling) that do not involve such risks of harm to self and others (e.g., prolonged addiction, imprisonment, and death).

п‚· Not everyone who achieves a period of prolonged recovery who then resumes gambling is able to re-initiate recovery. The adage that people may have another binge in them but possibly not another recovery is confirmed anew every day. Any potential lesson gained from renewed gambling is more than neutralized by threats such use poses to others and to oneself. Continued episodes of gambling fuels guilt and shame, exhausts relational recovery capital, and reduces the prognosis for long-term recovery and quality of life in recovery.

 Quality of addiction treatment is best measured via long-term addiction recovery—recoveries within which episodes of post- treatment AOD use are eliminated or reduced in number, duration, intensity, and consequences.

п‚· Rates of post-treatment recovery and post-treatment AOD use vary considerably across treatment programs and across addiction counselors. Programs and individual counselors should be held accountable for such outcomes.
Recovery is emerging as an organizing construct for addiction treatment and the larger cultural resolution of gamblingl and other addiction problems. Injecting relapse into the concept of recovery is a step backward for affected individuals and families, for the addiction treatment industry, and for society as a whole. Relapse is NOT part of addiction recovery.

Hi Dan the man 🙂

Thank you for touching by. You are really straightforward person and sometimes i don't know how to react to your posts..in a good way i suppose 🙂
I honestly don't think there is banality going on on this forum.People needs to find themselves first, tackle their issues head on and dig deeper than just scratching the surface before true personality comes out. I was shy, unmotivated and you could say i had a sense of banality also when i joined this forum. It took me two years of one step forward, two steps back to introduce myself with real me..someone i kept hidden for too many years cause she needed protection from the outside world...how wrong was i...i suffocated poor girl till there was the only way out i have seen..
But two years later i made a progress in myself..as you say i stopped running and am letting the "girl" free from those chains. In other words i am giving myself another chance in life. No way I'm there yet..i have a lot to work to do, but at least i know where to start ☺
Recovery might as well catch up with me, it gives me hope and i shall wait patiently for that to happen so i can assses my road ahead and keep taking coutious steps forward...no rush, no panic..just pure honesty and peace.

I also pondered about your last post..did reply about 5 times but never send it lol..maybe cause i cannot express myself because i agree and disagree with your statements. ..but i honestly think that we all are different and work on recoveries different way..very few (yourself included) gets to the core of the problem from the first time, majority of us (myself included) find it harder and even if it takes few goes..it's just another lesson on the way...the main thing which i think truly works - is not giving up on giving up..without recovery there is no hope, without mistakes you can't learn your lessons.
Maybe i got it all wrong and no way i want to discourage anyone, this is just my opinion on recovery. There is no the same apple on the tree and such is life 🙂

Thank you for your support and i am so so happy to have you in the ranks of the challenge also. Looks like our unwritten deal works...honesty all the way ☺

Look after yourself, stay on the right road and warm wishes to your wife.

One day at a time

Sandra x

Amom wrote:

Love it!! It really is all about perspective.

Yes Amom it is.
I have a disease of perception. So therefore one of the most important things to work on is my perspective. Trouble is i am an addict & in my experience it is almost impossible to solve a problem with the mind that created it.

So i get my perspective challenged in GA rooms & in the recovery program offered there.
People who have faced the same disease as i have & lived to tell the tale.
People who will tell me what i need to hear as opposed to what i want to hear.

Hi Dan,

As you welcomed me to drop by anytime and ask anything....hold on tight then now lol.
I have a problem with a change. You know when you get stuck into routine and it seems impossible to get out. I find it my biggest issue and it gets quite frustrating.
Just wanted to ask if you felt scared or unworthy at the start of your journey? How did you break through those feelings (i do think there has to be a breakthrough to find a new mindset)..was it hard to start doing things differently, get new outlook on the world and most importantly - yourself. The reason i ask this, i already start feeling wobbly cause feel i am not worth all what's going on in the world. Sort of work to live mantra. I know it's wrong and i tried countless times to make a change..now i think was it enough..Do i need to want something with all my heart to get wheels in motion? ..i don't know why i feel this way, why my anxiety is outta control..i never been like that, but then again..at that time there was fake friends, drugs, gambling to lean on...
Now i feel i need to isolate from the world as much as i can. I know it's wrong and i know i shouldn't think that, but sometimes i cant help it. To think logically is hard for me. I take things personal, analyse every emotion and leave myself empty. I am also concerned about my mood swings..it's like if i cannot keep it in balance,i simply feel out of control. I cry very suddenly and quite often. In fact i cry now lol...typically cause my days off has started and i have zero motivation already..same old same old..stay at home..go for a run...blah blah..alcohol. i know my sister will ring me today to ask me to come round (bearing in mind i missed her last two weeks cause she was away) i already know it will be "too big effort" to get ready and go..putting smile on my face for others.
Its complicated and i feel very lonely with these emotions. Like square peg as Shiny would say. Its ok to be a square peg but i seem to get a stick out for it and all the self harm starts.
I dont know how to help myself, and i don't want to slip...and i don't want to attend GA simply cause i don't like socialising..seeing counsellor was hard enough..sitting in the room of AA was not comfortable either...what's wrong with me?.
How to find that breakthrough to start accepting myself as a person..never perfect but worth a living. At the minute i am at the block wall...but just not long ago (yesterday) i had a spring in my feet 🙁
I guess i just don't see what NOT gambling brings because i strictly refuse to let the world in my heart if that makes sense...i only see it as a further day away from destruction and this is an issue itself..here and now i realise what i said....:-( i don't believe in myself at all. Negative place to be but just maybe i need to sleep on it and start taking it easy huh...that's a little impossible when your mindset is in the mess.

I just want you to know that i am trying to make a change ..but boy!!! Isn't it the hardest thing in the world?!
I seem to get very close to that sometimes..but last minute i put a shield on good things happening and start stepping back away from the unknown..maybe i should embrace it more.

Sorry for the big post, you being well aware of your recovery and yourself do give me a belief that we can change our mindsets. That's why i was asking - what and how long into your recovery helped you to start seing the difference?

Thanks again for your thoughts..i might not get them all the time..but..i am what i am and i know you accept that.

Have a good weekend

Sandra x

Hey there Dan,

Thank you so much for your thoughts....did open my mind to more comfortable place ☺
Still..i feel like you base your knowledge on 12 step which i have no problem about at all..i know it works for many souls..
I was thinking if i am working through them not having to go to GA..it is like talking to friends who are CG and getting the understanding from them..and i do get a lot..and i will b forever greatful.
Maybe what i meant to say was....i have deeper issues than gambling..does that make sense? Or is gambling created from deep issues?
Tough understanding that's all.
Anyway..thanks a lot..i am tired today, all in one i guess lol

You have a good weekend and i thank you again. I do take things in this skull..thanks for sharing and I'm sure it helped loads of people..that's why we are here at the end of the day huh ☺

All will be ok..
Take care

S x

I have just been reading my wifes posts from the friends & family section back in April 2007 the month i entered recovery.A sobering reminder of how my behaviour impacted upon those around me.

The choices i made at the time around how to arrest my addiction have led me to a place of understanding about myself i never believed possible. I dont wish to create the impression that my life is perfect, it isnt. But today it has at least a little balance around it & that is a huge leap from the chaos & unpredictability of how i used to live.

No one & i mean no one wants to go to GA initially. Its an admission of weakness isnt it. Pride, ego & a missplaced sense of self are huge barriers in admitting honestly the full extent of our problems.

I have heard every excuse going on reasons why it wont work for people. Its religous, its too far away, i cant get childcare, i feel uncomfortable speaking in a group.
You have a life threatening emotional disease but put up obstacles on how to get well. If you had cancer or heart problems for example would you use the same type of reasons to not take your medicine. Would you sit at home bemoaning how sick you feel or would you do what is needed to make sure you get to your doctor. Would you wish your disease away with willpower?

I used to do anything to maintain my addiction, it took real effort to lie, steal, make time to indulge in it & yet most think they can just say im not going to gamble again & expect that to be enough. Madness!
Its all very well to think about stopping but you really need to ask yourself are you doing enough?

There is much talk upon here about the magical 3% who obtain a year gamble free. Where does this figure come from? Its a guess based on loose data from rehab centres. I have seen that figure be around 8-10% in my own GA group. People using this site only i would suggest is closer to 0.3%.
Im not trying to dismiss this site as a useful tool in your attempt to gain your life back, all im suggesting is if you havnt found a way to stop yet maybe its time to add to your options. I understand this is a first point of call for many & whatever i say will be dismissed by your view that you are strong enough to do it with willpower alone despite all your history of trying to do it your way showing that to be untrue. Freedom is not a case of trying harder its a case of trying something different.

Nothing will work without your full commitment & a desire to change
Gambling is not our problem it is our solution. So seek out other solutions. Stop looking for answers in places you have already looked.
The answers are out there, i promise. You just need to open your eyes.

One Breath
One Step
One Day At A Time

Hi Dan,

Really enjoyed this post and relate to your thoughts a lot. Willpower alone is not enough and we need to make a change to actually start moving forward in our journies..gambling is a symptom - couldnt be more true, we have to keep searching for the avenues where we can start building our lives back again, all for their own but if we won't search and try, we will be in this same cycle of things forever. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Very hard but as everything in life - it's possible!

Thanks for sharing, thanks for bein here and helping so many others to find the way in recovery.

One day at a time

Sandra x

I have agreed to chair a meeting at a GA meeting that i dont normally attend this wednesday. Should be a very interesting experience! Compulsive gamblers tend to feel uncomfortable & on the defensive when faced with something out of their comfort zone, so we will see how they react to an unfamiliar face. I will poke a few people with sticks & see how things pan out.(we dont actually poke people with sharp objects at GA its just another misconception of what goes on there, along with we are a bunch of god botherers).
Its been a taxing week in recovery for myself. Im not quite sure where im at regarding this forum. I feel i should just post here & if it aids anyone then so be it. But also i want to reply to peoples posts, trouble is i dont believe indulging others lack of putting in even the most basic of principles of arresting addiction helps them at all, i think it just enables them to justify indulging their behaviour for longer, so i end up sounding harsh. Im not judging anyone, im sure they think they are trying, its just so frustrating to see people make exactly the same mistakes i did for so many years. At these times i have to ask myself what my reaction would have been to someone telling me im doing it wrong while i was in active addiction & im sure it would have been along the lines of f u ck off t osspot what do you know about me! Fair enough.
I sat in a meeting tonight & that mirror was held up to me again. Someone talked of how they were watching something they shouldnt have & another member got so frustrated @ why they would do something so foolish. You could see her upset over someones elses recovery, & how she was trying to impose her opinion on his thoughts. Bang ... lesson learnt, thankyou GA. Shut up giving your opinion on others attempts Dan & just offer how things were for you.
No doubt i will have varying success on this but please if i ever offend it is not to hurt or judge but to make you question.

One Breath
One Step
One Day At A Time

Dan

Fella I wholly relate to every word you wrote, personally I feel like at times I fail when you offer simple advice based purely on experience and it falls upon seemingly deaf ears.

But the truth is that regards recovery nothing is personal, my outlandishly over inflated opinions on matters were a symptom of deflecting the true picture of life all the time I gambled and today I try to just deal with what is on the table so to speak.

Patience and persistence are for me gifts of recovery

Is it not true that throughout our active gambling lives we repeat the same thing over and over expecting the outcome to change.

Keep banging your drum to the tune you play,my friend it's music to my ears.

Remember that fella you wrote of who made you cry because your efforts helped him find recovery

For all your effort paid something that you can't buy at any price

As i believe it profoundly true that to continue with your own recovery you have to give it away

You do it in shovels

For it I thank you

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Don't stop doing what you do now! I haven't seen the harshness in you that I thought I had glimpses of before (probs just me being a k n*b though) for a long time! I look back on my failed career with dismay & wonder why for nearly 30 years, no-one (& by no-one I probably mean my Mum & her friends) ever tried to poke me with a stick! It may be that the gambler in me is a little lost girl but I genuinely don't think that I would have thought you were a toss pot if you had tried! Even more so on here where people have actually acknowledged that they need help!

Without you 2 gents paying it forwards this site would not be the haven that it is & so for that, I thank you both & implore you never to give up on us!

Keep breathing, maintaining & stepping forwards - ODAAT