My life with addiction

Hi Dan

I definitely hear you and still trying to chew on something you wrote. I was thinking about the change today...change is something so so scary and "new". One of the hardest things to do for human beings.
I know what you say of changing the perspective of yourself. I still find it unachievable. ..hugest mountain to climb. ..but I will not give up and will keep trying to find that person I am deep inside. .I know she is there, as scared as I am to make that change come out with fighting spirit. I will forgive myself one day,...not sure about others, but I shall start with myself.

Thank you again. You're simply amazing ..never change

(((((Dan))))) xxx

Hi Dan

Thanks for your support. Yes, I've thought that what I've been doing, ACT, sounds much like GA. In hindsight, I should have gone to GA early on - the communal aspect of GA is very appealing and as is opening up to others.

I often read your posts and silently agree. I think your willingness to give honest advice, not necessarily give blind praise, is helpful.

Louis

Man I'm an ungrateful cow...We had a real laugh @ your post & not because you said I had compassion & empathy (NM says he can't wait to see that side of me) but because @ that particular point, I would have given a lot to be washing & ironing! The glow of the 1st few days of honeymoon bought abruptly to an end with a few 'money issues' (not wanting to buy 2 different bottles of suncream...Why was factor 30 too high, surely there's no such thing) & some close encounters with a few cockroaches :-0

Now I'm home, I'm resigned to the fact that I must return to work but the washing & the ironing (I did actually do those chores anyway...I'm so particular, no-one else could possibly do them to my exacting standards although I do let the NM press the button on the machine once I've loaded it if he's been good) can wait!

With free Wifi (if you can call it that @ the superfast speed of 512mb - Aaargh 🙁 it was painful) in the hotel, coming here was a break from the monotany of Discovery Max & the many car programs that exist. Now I don't mind a bit of Wheeler Dealers but Gas Monkey & Overhaulin' back to back with it, c'mon, where's the football 😉

I'm enjoying the rewards & working on the bad stuff...No present need in my head to get myself to GA or look @ anything else @ the minute but I'm watching the f****r & if Mr Gamble starts anything, then I have somewhere to be on Wednesdays @ 2015!

OSOB - ODAAT

Saturday
I spend an enjoyable 6 hours in the company of my best friend. He has addiction issues. I give him my thoughts, i listen to his addict bulls*it. I have heard it many times from many different people. Hell i wrote the script. I love him & hope one day he can face his truth.

Sunday.

My beautiful 15 year old son has his bike stolen. He has spent a great deal of time customizing it. Investing his heart & soul into it. He is immensely proud of the work he has done on it. It was snatched away in asecond because of somebody elses needs.

Monday

My kind thoughtful sister in-law is mugged at 7.30 on a busy street, Her bag ripped from her body, breaking her arm in the process.

Monday.

As i lock up the GA room. Someone from the street begs for a coffee & somewhere to sit for 10 minutes out of the rain. We sat for that 10 minutes, i understood nothing he said he was too drunk to make out a word.But i understood his pain and his need to escape. He asked for a blanket to keep the cold at bay. All i had was an old jumper in my car & a few pounds. I gave both willingly.

Life can be unfair, my sister in-law & my son would on the surface seem the victims & yes they have had things happen to them they dont deserve.

But life is bigger than the obvious. I have done both the things inflicted on my loved ones over the last few days to others in my past life, and i have also walked in the addicts shoes who can see no other way to get through today, than to pass on their pain to others for just a few hours resbite.

Im not condoning but i will not judge either. I will leave those who are blameless to do that.

Hi Dan , Sat here reading your post my friend . Life is beautifull but at the same time cold and heartless , it can grant us so much joy but inflict so much pain in the blink of an eye .

We do not ask for things to be stolen from us or to suffer injury as a result of being mugged but it happens , the positives if you can draw on them " It could always be worse ".

As you said, you have trodden both paths during your life and I think we have all had regrets over our actions but eventually we take , hopefull what is the right path ?.

Recovery I believe, teaches us above all else , certainly for me , acceptance , of ourselves and of the actions of those we cant control .

Sometimes we can do no more than be there for the people that need us , when they need us , and know that through your continued recovery your now able to do just that .

Best wishes to you and your family my friend ! ........................................................Alan

Sorry to read about your sons bike, and your sister inlaws experience,

I think Alan has summed your post up perfectly with his reply.

Sending strong and positive thoughts to you and your family.

Suzanne xxx

Hi,

Am v sorry to hear about the theft and the robbery, I hope that the next few days are better for you and your family, that they bring good things, or even just normal things that actually are quite good when you think about them.

Best wishes,

CW

Aghast that you did sh 1t like that to feed your addiction but absolutely gutted to hear it 🙁 I hope that her arm heals quicker than her mental scars because they are sure to take a while! I have my fingers crossed that your boy is reunited with his precious bike soon & the addict finds recovery as welcoming as we have!

I'm being obtuse but I can't find what you pointed me straight to 🙁 Soz but gonna need more 'clues'! It is me having a midlife crisis or something I should be reading?

Gonna sound crazy coz it's not my place to judge, but phew, I understand stealing, I can't get my head round violence! Goodness knows I've stolen (maybe not in the truest sense of the word coz they handed it over willingly, look @ me still trying to justify my actions) enough from my loved ones throughout my glittering career & that's without a lot of thought as to what happened to my inheritances 🙁 Obviously, this is unacceptable behaviour from us & one of the reasons, I can't make amends with everyone I've wronged.

I've read the article, twice, & a bit lost as to the relevance...Do you think maybe I've just forgotten why I gambled? Or have I read the wrong post?

The post I read was about forgetting the pain of gambling so pretty sure I got the wrong one! I will have another dig around, I got a bit lost in all the different threads!

I do get that, although I didn't realise it @ the time, I did chase them there! Pretty sure it was more my Aunt than my mum coz I remember my mum telling the school nurse when I was about 13 that she'd never had time for me coz of my sister! Now I would snort & say it had nothing to do with the hospital visits because I went too, it was gambling & the extra jobs that meant she wasn't 'there for me' but @ the time, I just found it an odd thing for her to say! I genuinely didn't care about whether she was home, I much preferred my Aunt's company & used to cry my eyes out when she went home! I know it's not normal but I'm cool with it! Weird too is the fact that my Aunt smoking never really bothered me but my Mum used to stink & I detested it 🙁 Now I assume this is because although they were both CG's my Aunt's old fashioned values meant that she strip washed everyday with a bowl & hotwater from the kettle whereas my Mum, I know now, does not wash when she is gambling! Don't get me wrong, I do love her, I just don't like her very much & she embarrasses me but that's not what kept me gambling all those years having a difficult relationship with her because if I ever needed her, she would be there!

Do you think there's any hope for me long term dealing with my recovery this way? I'm not haunted by the shame of what I did but I will never forget! In my mind, it matters not what I did then but what I do now & I am fully prepared to explore other options if my memory starts to fail me!

This is not a competition. Abstinance & recovery are two very different things. I have seen people of many years without a bet have very little recovery in their lives, they behave the same way, their way of thinking has remained unchanged, they are still very much driven by their angers, fears & frustrations. The only thing that has changed is their bank balance. What this gives them is even more frustration at both their life & their perception of themselves. Why? Because they believed the lie of gambling addiction. That if they stopped gambling, if they had money in the bank they would find unlimited happiness. When this turns out not to be the case they are left angry & confused. Why isnt my life perfect ? I fixed what was wrong with my life didnt I ? I stopped doing the thing that was ruining my life & was reponsible for everything i didnt acheive or stopped me getting what i deserved. The lie of all addictions and why they are so comforting is that they allow you to place the blame elsewhere. It allows us to stay locked in our fears about our past, present & future. They allow us to fail or not even try to change the things we dont like about our lives or the circumstances we find ourselves in.

A common theme i hear in GA rooms is that , I thought i was different from everyone. That they were better or more special than everyone else, that there ideas & opinions had greater value & meaning than anyone elses. That if it hadnt been for this d**n addiction , they could have been something great, they could have changed the world with their brilliance. Trouble is, when you take your addiction away, you then have to justify those thoughts, quite a daunting undertaking.

Those that stop looking for blame at others doorsteps & accept its them that need to change how they view the world & their place in it are in a position to find recovery. Those who continue to try to control & make everything fit to their way of thinking & doing remain where they always were. Angry, frustrated & resentful.

This has nothing to do with how long you havnt had a bet for, but how long you stopped hanging onto your own way of thinking. I understand that this is predominatley a day counting site but why do you need to compare. Its great you havnt had a punt for x amount of days but why make it your focus, it serves little purpose other than to say look at me im amazing. It just screams out tell me how well im doing. Well all im saying is when recovery is your goal. You will not need the recognition of others on how well you have done.

This isnt to say you shouldnt be proud of how many days, weeks, months or years you havnt had a bet for, but it shouldnt be your focus. Its never about how long you have gone but about how far you have come. So share how things were & now are. What you are still struggling with, What you have comes to terms with. How you have learnt to move beyond a life consumed with addiction. Your daycount is irrelevant. But what you have done in those days is crucial.

I have gone off on a bit of a tangent there, but these thoughts were rammed home to me at my meeting this week. One fellow 5 years without a bet, his life in the same mess it always was. Nothing change beside his finances. He hasnt moved emotionally forward. Another member a month in, embracing everything that recovery has to offer. Challenging their thoughts & perception of themselves. Reaping the rewards of embracing a new way of thinking & living. If we bring that back to days. On the outside it would seem the chap with 5 years abstinance has acheived more. I would beg to differ.

One Breath

One Step

One Day At A Time

Billiant post Dan and of course I strongly agree.

Lol'd at your quip about this being a 'day counting site' - rather true.

There seems to be universal acceptance on this site about the need to break the triangle but remarkably little about the psychology behind gambling. Which is really strange given this is a site about stopping gambling.

I remember when I was living in Australia, I phoned up a Gamcare equivalent - the only time I reached out until my present stoppage period. I wanted to know why I was an addict- all I got told was stuff about 'breaking the triangle'. Was really frustrated as I thought this was superficial advice.
Cheers

Louis

Great post.

I have been focusing on a target number of days and I dont feel much different to Day 1. Money is still a problem.

Hey Dan... great post and I have to say things are very similar across the hall in the Gam Anon room! When I first attended Gam Anon it was right after my son confessed his gambling. I only went twice as I thought "oh we are not like THESE people our situation is different, our circumstances are different and this will be of no help". 6-7 years on our family was an even bigger mess and I realized "we are EXACTLY like those people! I went back to Gam Anon and realized it was time to fix myself as no CG can live without their enabler. I like everyone have work to do on myself ( I was just blessed that gambling was never my "go to" in times of crisis ).

I agree on the point re abstinence vs recovery. My son had his greatest abstinence from gambling when he was not in any sort of recovery... just hanging on for dear life. Funnily enough he has had more slips since starting GA and recovery but there has been a marked improvement in my son as the person.

I know it isn't really my place to be on this side of the forum but I love some of the threads and they fill me with such hope. Seeing you guys on this side tackle such a sh&&&y addiction with such strength and perserverance is so encouraging and I really do admire you all!

I see your point but what would you choose...43, great job, great house, great relationship, no real self esteem issues, everything a girl could need for a great life or dead @ 33 leaving 2 kids behind? I just can't see how she made my life harder...She took all of the pressure off of me as far as socialising was concerned & made me shine in all other areas! I may not be comfortable with physical contact (outside of my relationships in which I have always worn the trousers) & my libido could do with a boost but I can't see how that is connected! & in any case, it doesn't matter because whatever has shaped my life good or bad, it has bought me to where I am now! Life isn't perfect, show me someone who says it is & I'll show you a liar, we have ups & downs, good days & bad & for me, that's ok! Recovery is my 'Amazing Grace' (1st verse) & had I not spent so long blinded by addiction, I wouldn't even notice nothing now, let alone smile @ it 🙂