My life with addiction

Quod erat demonstratum 😐

Greek or Latin? ☺

I get the hint here

Proud of you Dan..keep on keeping on and stand your firmly on the ground

S x

I walked into GA almost 9 years ago. I havnt had a bet since. I have gone through many perceptions of what my gambling was about in that time.
GA told me i had an emotional illness, that my finances were merely a symptom of my addiction. I nodded my head & inwardly thought what a load of nonsense. My life is clearly in the toilet because im spending more than i can afford to lose. They gave me some practical barriers to stop my access to funds. I stopped gambling because i couldnt, but i still thought about it. I still behaved the same way. My attitude was one of simmering anger & resentment. I imagined every sentance spoken in the meetings that i didnt agree with was a personal slight on me & that i was totally unique in my relationship with gambling.

What could these people know that I, clearly the smartest person in the room,could not see for myself. They suggested i couldnt do it alone. w*f. The only persons opinion i had ever trusted was my own! Now you want me to listen to the advice of a bunch of degenerates who i can run rings round with my minipulation & superiority.

I was told i was powerless. Now youve gone to far! I screamed , shouted, argued at every opportunity that i was in no way powerless. The opposite, i am in control of everything & everyone around me. I have had a problem with gambling yes, but i just got in to deep. A few weeks, months without a bet & im pretty sure life will be awesome.

It wasnt. I came to meetings. Declared my date. Told everyone how great i felt now i hadnt gambled for a while. No urges. Bought a flash car with my new found wealth ( on finance of course) remortgaged the house for the fourth time, hey look at me, no debts, lol. My level of self deception knew no bounds. Outward appearances always so much more important than my values or my sense of right & wrong. Being popular & looking like a winner always more important than the truth inside. Others perception of me always more important than my own. If everyone else thinks im cool, a winner a success then it must be true right?

I stumbled through the next few years, blagging it, as i had blagged my whole way through life. The c rap that came out of my mouth makes me laugh today but back then, i believed every word of it. Even convinced most around me in it too. Then something changed, the best thing that thankfully allowed me to take the cotton wool from my eyes & stick it in my mouth for a short while. The guy i looked up to most to in my meeting got exposed as a fraud. He had been coming along for 5 years saying he was gamble free. He lied, his wife called me, told me the whole story, how he had gambled pretty much the entire time he had been there.
To say i was devastated was an understatement. I had listened to him for 2 years with admiration. What had a seen that i liked? Well i had seen a man full of s hite. Pretending to be something he wasnt. I had seen me. Ok i hadnt gambled with money. But i was the same man. Shallow, searching for validation in places it wasnt worth finding in. It changed me. I could be the man id always been or i could try to be something better.

To rip up everything you believe you know after 39 years investing in the lie is quite an undertaking. One i truely understand, is daunting & fearful , i get why most are retisant to do so. But i had lived my life in fear of ever giving my all to anything, just in case my all wasnt enough or it was rejected. It would be fair to say that attitude hadnt done me too many favours up to that point.

So i took the leap. I set about changing everything. All my preconceptions were thrown out. I looked upon people, situations & events with objectivity, without judgement, with clarity & when i couldnt i asked my sponsor or HP to guide me.
Its been slow, its been painful, its been humbling. Its been so worth it.
9 years on, im still learning, im still attempting to improve. Im still evolving. Recovery isnt an event its a process. Enjoy the ride.

Thanks, Dan. It was you saying that you didn't change your mindset at first that has kept me going. I thought a few meetings would solve everything.

Perhaps I should start worrying that maybe my husband's mindset is starting to change too early....but it's only just about starting to.

BW,

CW

Morning Dan and thanks for the post .

I fully understand what youv'e just said and I take on board what youv'e seen throughout your years attending GA , as I've already documented you have a vast wealth of knowlege which is a great assest to this forum and long may it continue .

You may not believe this but I am very open to all aspects of recovery , I've never dismissed any other way of recovery but just prefer my own , obviously I can't speak for everyone who chooses the same route that I take but for me it works . I am under no illusion that its a life long journey and that there is any sort of quick fix for me and it's always going to be work in progress .

If at some point in the future I think I need more help or that some aspect of my life needs more attention , then I will willingly seek out that extra help , be that through therapy , GA or other tool's available .

The problem that I have and that I can only assume others who choose to go down my route of recovery have is this constant stream of uncalled for digs about the way we handle things , I fully admit that my route wouldn't and doesn't work for all and for many it will need a lot more in depth exploration of thereselves and alternative measures to find a solution .

My way is a bit loud , brash, gung ho , Americanised if you want to call it that and we do pat each other on the back at every opportunity but it seems to work for many , so why do people knock it so much ? , only time will tell if I or others are correct and if we can maintain a gamble free future and I see no reason why we can't , were definately not in denial , weve all held our hands up and admitted we have a gambling addiction , that our life needs to change because we have no control over gambling anymore and were all trying to do something about it but in our own way .

We all live differently in our own little worlds , all individuall's doing different thing's to deal with different issues , some of us have major problems on here where gambling is a result of past events or traumas and thats a different kettle of fish were dealing with but equally as many people have a gambling problem simply because it was something we chose to do because it was fun or a distraction from boredom or maybe just because we wanted to win a few quid ? and that speaking personally is what its really about for me , I loved gambling , because of the social side , the buzz it gave and at times the distraction and take a step back from reality it gave me but those feelings or experiences all cost me dearly because I allowed them to become a too bigger part of my life , hence why I made the desicion to stop .

I actually think that I'm following some of the GA line of thinking already , I accept that I have no control over gambling and that it has me beat , I've made huge changes to my life and to my way of thinking and I believe that my higher power is my willpower , I've put blocks in place but to be honest thats easily got around so it comes back to me again and my choices , I've apologised to my family not because it makes me feel better but because thats what they deserved from me , so no more lies , deceit or pretending to be something I'm not , I don't want that in my life anymore and my family / friends don't deserve that anymore !.

Would I gamble again ? , absolutely I would , I enjoyed it , but only if I could control it and it didn't affect my family so the answer is No , I can never safely gamble again , I will not gamble again because I have made the decision not to .

All I'm asking for is the same respect you would give someone your sat next to in a GA room , I'm no different , I'm here and I'm trying very hard to do whats best for me and those around me .

As always with deepest respect ...............Alan

day@atime wrote: I walked into GA almost 9 years ago. I havnt had a bet since. I have gone through many perceptions of what my gambling was about in that time. GA told me i had an emotional illness, that my finances were merely a symptom of my addiction. I nodded my head & inwardly thought what a load of nonsense. My life is clearly in the toilet because im spending more than i can afford to lose. They gave me some practical barriers to stop my access to funds. I stopped gambling because i couldnt, but i still thought about it. I still behaved the same way. My attitude was one of simmering anger & resentment. I imagined every sentance spoken in the meetings that i didnt agree with was a personal slight on me & that i was totally unique in my relationship with gambling. What could these people know that I, clearly the smartest person in the room,could not see for myself. They suggested i couldnt do it alone. w*f. The only persons opinion i had ever trusted was my own! Now you want me to listen to the advice of a bunch of degenerates who i can run rings round with my minipulation & superiority. I was told i was powerless. Now youve gone to far! I screamed , shouted, argued at every opportunity that i was in no way powerless. The opposite, i am in control of everything & everyone around me. I have had a problem with gambling yes, but i just got in to deep. A few weeks, months without a bet & im pretty sure life will be awesome. It wasnt. I came to meetings. Declared my date. Told everyone how great i felt now i hadnt gambled for a while. No urges. Bought a flash car with my new found wealth ( on finance of course) remortgaged the house for the fourth time, hey look at me, no debts, lol. My level of self deception knew no bounds. Outward appearances always so much more important than my values or my sense of right & wrong. Being popular & looking like a winner always more important than the truth inside. Others perception of me always more important than my own. If everyone else thinks im cool, a winner a success then it must be true right? I stumbled through the next few years, blagging it, as i had blagged my whole way through life. The c rap that came out of my mouth makes me laugh today but back then, i believed every word of it. Even convinced most around me in it too. Then something changed, the best thing that thankfully allowed me to take the cotton wool from my eyes & stick it in my mouth for a short while. The guy i looked up to most to in my meeting got exposed as a fraud. He had been coming along for 5 years saying he was gamble free. He lied, his wife called me, told me the whole story, how he had gambled pretty much the entire time he had been there. To say i was devastated was an understatement. I had listened to him for 2 years with admiration. What had a seen that i liked? Well i had seen a man full of s hite. Pretending to be something he wasnt. I had seen me. Ok i hadnt gambled with money. But i was the same man. Shallow, searching for validation in places it wasnt worth finding in. It changed me. I could be the man id always been or i could try to be something better. To rip up everything you believe you know after 39 years investing in the lie is quite an undertaking. One i truely understand, is daunting & fearful , i get why most are retisant to do so. But i had lived my life in fear of ever giving my all to anything, just in case my all wasnt enough or it was rejected. It would be fair to say that attitude hadnt done me too many favours up to that point. So i took the leap. I set about changing everything. All my preconceptions were thrown out. I looked upon people, situations & events with objectivity, without judgement, with clarity & when i couldnt i asked my sponsor or HP to guide me. Its been slow, its been painful, its been humbling. Its been so worth it. 9 years on, im still learning, im still attempting to improve. Im still evolving. Recovery isnt an event its a process. Enjoy the ride.

Always interesting Dan. thanks and have a top day. tri

LOL ! Dan , you must be Omni present ? Am I under constant survellance ? LOL !

Seriously though all's good my friend and I couldn't agree more , it is my mind talking a load of old Shi.t but why now ? , I genuinely have no wish to gamble yet I feel a need to take that enviroment on and for no reason than to see how it would make me feel to be back in that place again ! , just crazy thoughts ? ??? .

And thats the last time I'm going to let you mention me , talking and a load of old shi.t in the same sentence again , LOL ! .

Thanks Dan .

Well done Dan 9 years, some achievement that. Thanks for the support and advise you've shared with me.

9 years man!!! WOW! Something amazing still happening in this universe ☺

Great going my friend, great achievement - keep on trucking...life is for living 😉

S x

Denial & hypocrisy the poisen of choice i see on here this week then. Things i know well. Do as i say not as i do. It takes an awful amount of effort to justify actions as illogical as the ones we buy into everyday as addicts to continue to behave in the manor we have always done. Let me tell you what to do rather than think about what i need to do. Let me point out your flaws so i neednt look upon my own. Pass the broom , i have a carpet that needs things swept under. To thy own self be true.

Hi Dan

Miss your presence. I know your impulse might be to brush this off-but to what extent has your reduced presence been due to being hurt by the personal flak you've had thrown?

I'm a bit concerned in same respect for CW (hello CW- know you'll read). Appreciate your both less sensitive than most but still it must get you at some level. The rational you gets what's going on but there's the emotional you too.

Hope you're well

Louis

Hi Louis, Do personal slurs on here make me reluctant to post? No they really dont. I understand why & where they come from as i have walked in those shoes. So why have i backed off the site? *** Lots of information & advice that i would of lapped up in my early days. You can do it on your own, do it your way, we are all unique, *** Recovery is NOT about not being able to gamble, its about creating a new person & a life in which you no longer need to gamble.

***edited by ForumAdmin

Fair enough - that's why I miss you

" There is little hope or even desire for recovery here " and " This site kills more people than it helps " that's a really usefull couple of sentence's there Dan , particularly for anyone just starting out on here but at least your being fair by slating some GA meetings as well ! I really think your unique , that's for damm sure !!.

Lol....... this isn't quite my humble... but this forum isn't a recovery site! It's a social site and some where to dump your ***..... which is good! But, if you want to explore and practice recovery via this forum, well, quite frankly your ***! The unique geniuses get on the defensive when there illogical idealogy get questioned ad shown on post above... The boredom of hearing the same *** over and over again becomes boring and a tendency of getting stuck back in the mind set of an addict without the particular poison being there to soothe.... Oh to be a unique genius..... fingers crossed one day hai!!! ☺

***edited by ForumAdmin