So.....new year new me.
A little history, around 5 years ago I was seeing a guy who unbeknown to me was a CG. I would go to the casino with him and play the slots whilst he played table games, for hours.
I had successfully made some money through a business as well as my job so had quite a large sum of money in the bank.
Fast forward to when we split up, and I had sold my house and had a tidy sum in the bank. My addiction then really began. I had run my savings down to around half, I bought another Houae and I had the last part of my money in a bond (40k) I distinctly remember one night as I spent the last of my wages that I that money could be gone in weeks.
Little did I know it would be gone and then a huge debt. That's when I started online gambling. I would spend 3-4 thousand and not think twice. The money was gone in the space of a couple of months.
I then took loans and credit cards. One day this summer I spent £8000 during one stupid, stupid session. I was physically sick but still I continued to chase. I thought I had a system at the casino and would withdraw 3 thousand at a time play max bet and sometimes it would work out. I managed to get my debt down from 28k to 9k. Obviously that didn't last and it crept back up to 19k.
33 days ago, I switched bank account, have self excluded from every online casino and have not gambled since. I have already paid 1k off my debt. I am working and working to pay off this debt.
All my debt is at 0% so I am in some ways lucky but I want to stick at this so much. This will be the year I don't gamble....
Wishing you success in your recovery Saffie. It is so sad to read of the damage gambling has inflicted on you. Like you wrote in one post it is a horrible, horrible addiction.
I believe it is a positive step to be with friends who understand what your up against, and who can offer advice and support.
Elizabeth Gilbert wrote: "Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions."
Oscar Wilde wrote: " I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions, I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them."
It's the first day of 2018 and also the first day of the rest of our lives. I believe we need to be selective in our thinking and not let our emotions run away with us.
Lets hope we can all keep going forward one step, or one day, at a time. Take care....stephen
Thanks so much for your kind comments Stephen.
Well day 34 and I am feeling good. When I wake up in the morning and my first thoughts used to be regret about money lost, I remind myself that this is another day I haven't gambled. I can actually afford to buy things and not worry that I'm in a massive overdraft.
I do still have thoughts of going back in the casino on one occasion to win something to pay off some of the debt but deep down I know this is a bad idea. I just need to keep focussed as the calmness I feel now is so much better than the constant anxiety and worry I felt when gambling.
Although I am in debt, it's is manageable and I am decreasing it each day I don't gamble 🙂
Happy new year
Hi Saffie
Well done on 34 days, takes guts to spill like you have, great you didn't go back to gambling. Stay strong.
Shaun
Hi Saffie,
Thanks for sharing, and really well done on the 34 days. I know the feeling of thinking about going back to recover some of the losses ... unfortunately I don’t think it would work out for either of us ...even if we won a bit, we’d keep going until we lost. Don’t be too hard on yourself ... it’s an addiction, rather than something logical. Even when winning, I’d sit there shaking. Just make sure you get some blocks in place for next time you get tempted, but we’ll done on the 34 days (i’m only on 10, so 34 genuinely feels like a great achievement. Keep posting on your diary, it will help. Richard
Thanks for your kind comments.
Well day 35 and im still feeling strong. My mood feels so much more stable now I'm not feeling anxious or on edge all of the time.
I know what you mean about the shaking Richard, I would be the same, I would be 3k down then win it back plus some and then I'd think I'd be home and dry. I'd be like a cat on a hot tin roof pacing with my heart in my mouth. Then I'd lose it all and more and be full of regrets and thinking how I should have done it differently and how I would next time. All total rubbish I would just get deeper and deeper until I couldn't concentrate on anything because all I'd think about is either when I can gamble next, or regretting and running over in my head what went wrong. Accepting the loss and the debt I have has made this just a little easier.
Whenever I think if I should go back to the casino one last time my rationale part of my brain takes over and the thought is gone within seconds.
Richard you have done so well to get to 11 days, this is a hard struggle and you are doing it. No turning back now, we have publically said on this forum we have given up! 🙂
Day 36 and I'm questioning if I should go back to the casino next week to try and get my debt down.
I have debated this with myself all day and the conclusion I have come to is although I won't reduce the debt as quickly by paying it off monthly, the debt isn't going up every month which it more than likely would if I go back to the casino.
So I shall stay strong, and stay away.
Hi Saffie
Don't let that devil on your shoulder consider making you go near a casino. Your rational part of your brain knows it will just lead to further months or years of repaying debts and a lot more unhappiness.
The money is gone and you know chasing it never worked in the past.
Well done on 36 days, you are doing great and can do this.
Muststop123
Was there yesterday such silly thinking but so normal to you and me
It's idiotic but this is what a CG brain does. It's almost making the idea rational to myself.
I have so much more self respect for myself for abstaining for this long. I really really need to stay away but it's good to know that I'm not the only one who gets these thoughts.
I think I will make sure I keep my diary busy so I don't get the opportunity to gamble. I have spare money now so those coffee meetings I used to meet friends at can start again after 4 years of non stop gambling and no money
Hang in there Saffie, and of course you aren’t the only one with those thoughts.
If you’ve seen my diary, I ‘invested’ over £100k with a bookies in less than a week, and fortunately did win and withdraw initially, so I have about half to come back (which I owe for an extension on my house). Now, I still haven’t had that money back, despite that taking the £100k over a fortnight ago ... they are now doing money laundering checks! At some point that money will land in my account, and I need to get it across to my partner ASAP. Every day I think at some point that I can’t feel any worse so might as well gamble it and hope I actually win so I can feel better again. I absolutely won’t do that, but I can’t wait to get the money away from me ... having the thoughts you are having is natural, we are addicted .., just makes it even more of a success that we can resist ... accept the temptation and enjoy not giving in to it. Rich
Saffie, I completely understand how you feel. You just know one second that it’s utter madness but then for a hat seems like day dreaming, you are imagining winning and being happy etc.. you are not alone. Scott
Day 37 and I've started my debt diary on money saving expert. I managed to pay £500 off one credit card today which I feel real proud of .
Still having thoughts whixh almost seem rational about going back in next week but I've now filled that day with a lunch meeting so can't go, need to keep on the straight and narrow....
The MSE Debt free wannabe forum is a great community for sure. Well done getting to day 37 GF 🙂
Day 38. Still going strong. I don't start work till this afternoon and usually I would be at the casino in the morning when I am working a later day but not today. Have completed some house work. Feeling good! Still debating chasing losses but I am coming to the conclusion I can not lose any more money now as I am on a knife edge and whixh way I turn now will dictate my future. My debt is just less than half of my annual salary so although large I think I can manage to clear it. Just trying to keep busy. Hope you are all doing well and keeping on track x
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