My story

Not a great deal to say today except Saturday has gone and I didn't touch the lottery. It wasn't my biggest demon but again part of a bigger problem. I enjoyed a modest night out last night and didn't feel it was a less of one for not spending so much cash. This past week has been one of the hardest in my whole life but I'm pleased I've got up, looked my problems in the eye square and made some significant progress in my thinking to enable me to pursue a happier life.

Late night entry. I've had a strange evening of very mixed feelings. Bound to be swings of mood at this stage. It's been the classic what if thoughts?, The sorrowful thoughts of what has happened, the daunting thoughts of the road ahead and the challenge of making such significant changes in my life. But I reaffirm and know that:

In the main life has been very good to me and coupled with my hard work it has afforded me some great opportunities.

I realise I have made some really wrong decisions over the last twenty years...not just in terms of gambling but over impulse control and spending generally.

I am finding these early days of changing my life hard, in terms of accepting what is and finding the energy to move forward.

But I look forward with hope ( and a touch of fear)to that which I cannot yet see and all the potential I hope it has to be different, better.

I just needed to record that for the weeks and months when I look back.

Hi Matt,

Reading your last post...I don't think there's anyone on here who can honestly claim not to have made some really wrong decisions. Frankly, we wouldn't be here if we hadn't. Nonetheless, the what if thoughts are almost inevitable, I think we all have them, especially so soon after deciding to make the change.

Keep up the hard work, and keep aiming towards that goal of being debt and gamble free, and without gambling in your life that promotion at work is also more likely.

All the best,

Ryan

Ryan, thankyou. I just had to get some of that out and I'm grateful very much for your response. Matt

Yeah guess no one likes change and hard to resist the things we've been doing for years. Funny how it almost feels like a punishment restraining and yet still another punishment if we indulge. LOL

Broken, this is so true but I feel a real tipping point on the see saw, the punishment of continuing is far far greater than that of denial. I've got a good 20 years now of evidence that has finally made me realise that. I feel today that as much as sometimes I would love to turn the clock back I would lose the value of the lesson and the wisdom that has come from it and I'm not prepared to give that gem up. Also today I have been reminded yet again of the love of friends and for that I am very grateful.

What a difference a week makes! This time last week I was barely able to stand tall, completely and utterly devastated by where I had got to in my life. Today I feel so much better, the debts still exist, the challenges are still ahead but I have proved to myself this week I can make the biggest changes in my life, live differently and live better. I am so grateful and want to continue going forward

Thailad - sounds like a real milestone for you - congratulations + long may this continue for you.

I read your post from late on Sunday evening and recognised a lot of the similar feelings I have been feeling over the last week or two - the what if, the if I could turn back the clock - however, I guess as you say this is part of the recovery story.

Often, the issue I have is that every date or every location has a gambling story attached to it - when I was doing this I was x up, or when I was doing that I was y up - my problem being a binge gambler was that when I was having a big session (typically these came in 3 or 4 week bursts followed by a period of abstinence) I would often gamble on my mobile, so even my walk home is tarnished by it.

However, interestingly this evening I had the thought, 5 years from now, if I stay away from gambling then these thoughts will be nothing but a distance memory - they won't be so vivd and so live. For me that is part of my inspiration for recovery - a gamble free life and rediscovering contentment and an ability to live in that moment without the baggage I have just now.

Stay strong my friend

Thankyou cactus. I appreciate your comments. I guess I would say my view on the past would be that which I wrote about in my earlier diary entry on moving down a new road. I think sometimes as gamblers we are not mindful we just repeat the same thoughts etc time and time again. We abstain yet still cling to elements of the old, places have no thoughts other than the ones we place on them. I think actually there was something stopping me fully letting go, perhaps it was bizarrely fear of living life a different way. I hope you keep going cactus I think you are right and it truly will be worth it.

Good day. No urges/blips/ issues. Saw some friends today and had a fabulous time. I'm still in reflective mode but more to do with where I am in my life than recent incidents. It's good reflective.

Hi Matt,

I have read your diary like I do a few of them and just want to say well done on going a week without the devil that is gambling and respect to your honesty and courage. Your story has given me a kick up the a**. I hope you don't take this in a bad way but I saw you put your age down, and I thought I don't think I would be able to carry on if I did another 10 years of this and was 40 going through the same thing over and over again. I can just about cope now! You are a strong guy and have lots of respect for what you are doing. I have spent most of my twenties gambling and it's taken it's toll. If only we could turn off the switch in our head to stop us.

Keep being strong, goo dluck. Kind Regards Dean.

Nothing significant to report over the last few days. Work, nights out with friends etc etc. My mood is a little fragile to be honest but that is to be expected. However last night I dreamt of gambling. I used to hate this during my periods of abstention but because of the effort I've been making this morning it really left me feeling emotionally drained like a bad nightmare. I do not want a gambling experience again even in my sleep! Luckily I was busy at a friends today having lunch and they have young kids so was kept occupied but as I said my mood is ver fragile at the moment. I think it's because I'm going full cold turkey on spending, gambling the lot. It is absolutely the only way and I know it's right and have no desire to turn back but my mind, my life is obviously having to adjust and on certain days its going to be tougher than others. But I am doing it and have no intention of turning round.

Hello Thailad,

Many thanks for commenting on my post.

You sound so determined to beat this horrible affliction, keep up the marvellous work you are doing,

Hopefully by the time you read this post you will have overcome your fragility and begin to feel stronger and more posiitve again.

My best wishes to you.

Hope x

Dean, thanks for your post. I don't take what you say badly at all. I want to write it warts and all for myself and for others. Don't go through another 10 years of it, make the changes now, live a better life. Hopelass no problem and thankyou, I think it's inevitable the mood will bounce because I'm making some big changes here but yesterday was another step forward for me in my awareness and it's do with self esteem. I've forced myself over the last two weeks to take away all the things that prop me up, the daily spending(excessive), the bits of gambling and I mean the stuff that happened between the big binges and I think my sense of anxiety was increased, what am I without these things? Yesterday was the start of a conversation with myself that says I am better and all the things people value me for are nothing to do with this. This morning I feel better, safer and I hope that continues but I'm ready to take the rough with the smooth. Thanks

Fairly short update. My anxiety levels have massively reduced over the last few days. I'm very content and I feel a great sense of acceptance and understanding of what's happened over the past few weeks. As painful as it has been I feel a great sense of gratitude. It needed to stop, the way I was living was making me ill ..not just the gambling, all the spending etc etc. I feel very blessed tonight and I no longer want to go back, just forward with far greater wisdom.