My story

Just a quick note for the diary. I paid off my last payday loan today. Still significant debts but not having these cycling every month will be a huge help. On ward/ upward.

Hi Thailad

I have just read your entire diary and i can relate to a lot of your story even with a difference in our age, you are definitely a strong person you have slain the beast and congratulations on clearing your payday loan i know how much of a pain in the b**t they can be keep strong my friend.

Thanks halo. Give it your best shot buddy. It really is worth it.

A good week, no longer at the mercy of payday lenders, I can see my credit card balances coming down slowly. I also see massive changes in my thinking. I was very driven in the past by money, I just wanted more and more. I dreamt of that really big win and worse I believed it would come. Of course it never did, my mind colluded to keep me in a spiral of addiction. Now I'm not interested in big wins, there is no happiness in that money and also I no longer believe in 'my time', 'my lucky day', 'fate' etc. I'm choosing something far better, far more solid... My happiness and peace of mind. 7+ years I've been in this destructive cycle on/ off and I truly love these days of abstinence and recovery.

Another week under the belt of not gambling although I'm starting to think the days/ weeks are really not important to me. I know my mind is changing so much. I'm learning all the time as well and sometimes events help you learn. At work this week I got feedback that my performance had improved, it wasn't bad but I could be a bit irritable sometimes I think, partly because of the gambling so I'm glad that life changes are helping me in all areas of my life. In another area of life though I found out that a friend of a friend, acquaintance has got a drink problem. I think it made me realise that addiction is a big issue in today's society. There are a lot of people out there who somehow find themselves in a place where they need something, it made me feel such compassion, for him, those who go through this in whatever guise and ultimately for myself. I just want to keep on staying well, I'm feeling so much better than I have done over the last 7 plus years and I want to continue now. I'm very grateful for this site, the diary and the people here. All trying to get and stay well

Busy week this week. Work continues to go well but it also gives me an insight into what drove my gambling a lot. It comes back to the whole thing of winning and losing and what that does to me as an individual. Sometimes no matter how well I do professionally it is never enough, I catastrophise minor failings and I also get paranoid about how others see them. Normally this would only push me one way, to console myself, to dull these hard feelings through gambling but I know it never brought me any comfort just sheer misery. This week faced with difficult feelings again I simply saw them for what they are, part of the doubts that a lot of us have at one time or another and also challenged them. I do a very good job and get told so I just need to accept it a lot more and give myself a break. I've no desire to go back to old ways, I'm enjoying massively not having gambling in my life and long may it continue.

2 months since my last post :-/. Been very busy, work and travel. Main thing is though no setbacks which is great. I haven't made as fast progress with the debt as I would have wanted but main thing is I'm well, have money in bank, bills paid and I'm not losing money constantly. I think the big thing about the debt is it will get sorted, the main thing is I had to stop gambling and I have so I'm happy. Going to try and keep posting. Not long now till a year since my diary started.