Mylife's 2015 diary, the one that matters

Hi my life,

I hope you are ok, you have not posted for a couple of days, please don't dont feel scared or ashamed, use this diary to help you, vent your feelings whether good or bad, it helps you to take stock of you, it really dos'nt matter if you have blipped again, recovery is a journey for life, we are all here to support you and us, that's the beauty of this wonderful forum, we support each other because we are all CGs,

Suzanne xx

Hello Everyone,

Firstly thanks for the post on my diary 🙂 very much appreciated, as my days clock up and i become stronger i'm hoping to be able to offer my advice on other people's diarys, at the moment i think its early days for me to even be thinking about that, For now im trying to put all my determination to beating this crazy illness, oh and my selfishness!

Day 3 today with no roulette! Im not sure if its been hard or not, Each time i think about roulette i actually feel sick to the stomache,so im hoping those feelings continue and i will keep well away. The way i feel right now is that i will never go near that stupid game ever again, But..... ive had these feelings in the past, however this time i feel a little different, i feel ready to let go of the past, and just look forward to the future.

That is all for now diary, I will be back, and i'll have some more days clocked up, i can assure you of that! No gambling today, tomorrow, or the day after! This is my life and your not going to break me! Here's to a better, healthier, and wealthier future!

Good Day all.

I'll be back

xxxxx

Good positive and very determined post,

I hope I did not make you feel badgered to post, and I am soooo pleased you are now on 3 days, just wanted to check you were ok, as you were low the other day, and am pleased to read you are.

Take care and look after you,

Suzanne xx

Good Afternoon.

Suzanne, You didn't make me feel badgered at all hun, in fact quite the opposite you made me want to post and share my thoughts, i thank you for taking the time to post on my diary.

Today (day 4) i feel weird, woke up this morning with gamblng on my mind (yes its still making me feel sick when i think about it) I couldn't sleep last night so i came down stairs and did some google searches on roulette, not for gambling sites, i was after reasons why i became so addicted to this, i ended up finding a video posted on a site that was about compulsive gamblers, it was a documentary by the chappy Alexis from the real hustle, it was quite an eye opener, im not sure how old the video was, but ive never seen it before, His father had suffered from compulsive gambling.

So now im sitting here, just wondering to myself why i wasted all that money, (angry at the selfish side of me) I know im trying to do good now and put things right, but today i feel rather emotional, For me those big wins never gave me the buzz anymore, i think i just got far to greedy, each time i had money, it only ever went back into a different site anyway, When i sit here and think of all the purchases i could have made with the money i have lost / wagered on these stupid sites, i feel like crying, but on a postive note, im not going to let this addiction beat me, im trying so hard to move forward.

Sorry for rambling on, it's abit of a mish mash post today lol.

Love to all

xx

Day 5 today

Feeling more positive today,Feeling strong & determined too!

Wishing everyone a good gamble free day

Hi mate,

I can totally relate to luck eventually running out, i managed to sucesfully chase my losses 3 times and the 4th time my luck ran out and i couldn't stop chasing resulting in me losing around £10k grand in one night. As the saying goes on here ' we can't win because we can't stop'.

Keep moving forward mate, dont look back.

All the Best

Liam

Thanks for the post Liam,

Oh how our stories sound very similar eh? Its amazing how much you can have in common with someone that you've never met before. Your so right about the "we can't win because we can't stop" even when i did win and withdraw, it all went back in anyway, so looking at it logically now, what the hell was the point? it's a strange old addiction isn't it.

Im still going strong today, normally having the computer on at this time of the day and being alone, usually spells out disaster, but gambling is the last thing on my mind right now, so thats all good. This morning i transferred my remaining savings over to another bank i have, and im determined there will never be any gambling transactions on the bank statement for that account, Thats one thing that does depress me at the moment, when i go onto my online banking a see all those transactions, Im going to try and withdraw like £10 a day, for the next how ever how long it takes so i don't have to keep seeing those vile gambling transactions on my account each time i log on, crazy i know but i really need to forget about them and seeing them right in front of me, is rather heart wrenching.

Wishing you all the best with beating this addiction Liam, Like most things in life if you put your mind to it you can do it, so surely the same motto has to work for this addiction, well here's hoping it does! No gambling today, tomorrow or the day after!

Cheerio for now diary.

Hi mylife86, doesn't seeing the transactions suck 🙁 I used to pay a few pence off of each credit card just to push them off of my screen so I didn't have to face them when I was counting pennies every night & working out how long it would take me to get straight because I wasn't going to be gambling anymore! Thankfully, I don't see them now but I do log on with bated breath sometimes...I have 1 more Tax Return where I have to witness destruction & then, that it is, no-more punishing myself! Hook or by crook I'm not stepping out of recovery!

Congratulations on day 5...Keep @ it - ODAAT

Hi diary, Its been a while hasn't it!

Things didn't get any better only got worse, continued playing roulette, knew it would all end in tears and it did, now all my money has gone, and ive got into debt again, im on day 4 of not gambling today, I haven't stopped thinking about the debt ive got myself into, now im going to spend 3 years of my life repaying that debt, all for a few weeks of utter madness, I look at the amount of holidays i could have gone on for that money, I have to pay all that money back and ive got nothing to show for it, how can i stop thinking about this? It's driving me mad, i can't get it out of my head. All accounts have been self excluded from again, i really don't want gambling to be a part of my life, i don't want to gamble, so why do i keep doing it? I hope this torment will soon pass, i know the money is long gone now. Im 28 and i need to change for good, im still dealing with this addiction on my own, my other half would go mental if he knew how much money ive wasted. Feeling rather deflated today, when i should be feeling a little more positive that ive gone 4 days. Hopefully my spirits will lift soon.

5 Days, no intention to gamble today.

hi mate well done so far on your gambling free life take one day at the time. my last gamble was in 2004 I attend my meetings every week without fail