NEED PEOPLE... I just need people like you to be there for me right now

Thank you for all the feedback guys. The world is such a weird place... I gamble my family's life away for the next 5 years then get rewarded with a holiday...

I will try to prioritise spending quality time with my son and wife... Will try not to let negative spirals affect our time together. I guess being here is like a protective bubble from the true reality we face when we return next week and the proper fight back begins. Maybe I'm scared of what that will bring.

I don't know why I'm getting so down... Perhaps it's the realisation each morning when I wake up that in fact I'm not infallible and perhaps actually vulnerable. Its a lot to get one's head around.

Leading a different life now... Maybe it feels uncomfortable to begin with but hopefully becomes easier over time.

Thanks for all the support. ALN, Boro... I'll make a massive effort to stop beating myself up today. Thanks.

A9... As always thanks for the unconditional support and sagely advice. Yeah I'm going into recovery now but I think you're spot on... It doesn't just click in overnight. As this progresses let's hope I can forgive myself and become at peace with myself. Thank you for pointing this out.

Hey ALN you know what... Thinking about it you may be right to an extent about the gambling mode thing? For over 10 years after each gambling binge my mind immediately kicks into devising plans to fix everything and minimise damage whether that be overtime, loans, borrowing, winning it back... Once I have a plan I am happy. This time there is no quick fix. Only patience, healing and honest living from here on in. I think that's what may be doing my head in. Totally new and foreign concepts for me to get my head around.

Day 14. Let's make it a good day everyone. Whether on day 1 or day 1000. Good luck.

Went and had a McDonalds. Felt much better. Don't know what they put in that stuff but it worked... #:o)

But seriously though... Had a good day so far. Been for a massive walk and visited a castle. I think some uncensored, up front advice from you forum folks definitely helped kick start my day.

Enough of the moaning now... I will attack every day regardless of how I feel. When **** happens I will deal with it and thank up above that I survived the vicious grip of gambling addiction and live to tell the tale. Yes it feels like a sorry tale right now but one day it will turn into a success story and someone on day 1 will read it and they too will stop, take a breath and overcome.

Day 14... I'm winning. Hope you are all too. Stay strong.

Gosh I was reading some literature and on the back I encountered a whole page of casino promotions. Made me queasy just looking at it. Then later I inadvertently got myself in a situation where I had to cross through a casino to get to my desired location. Again felt sick at the sight of the place.

All this not ideal in relation to avoiding gambling outlets however was purely bad luck + the indication of nausea may be a sign I'm beyond falling short in these establishments. Before I would've had a pop at my chances if the opportunity presented itself... Wouldn't need to ask twice.

Day 15. Up early... Mood low but not going to let it dictate today. I hate the idea of having no money but keep telling myself this is a new opportunity for a new life and to discover the beautiful things in life that exist beyond spending money and consumerism...

Feels shameful to admit today that I realised gambling only had me beat because I ran out of money. Had I not then I probably would still be gambling. Maybe that's where my daily fear manifests... When I get some money together again I may get sucked in again.

The thing is though I really don't want to bet anymore. Gambling definitely has me beat and my life has become unmanageable. I just don't want it to be a part of this new life I'm creating for myself.

Anyway day 15. Good luck everyone. Be strong.

One day at a time. Today will be a good day. Old life trying to impose itself on my new outlook but I will not let it.

#145

That is an interesting thought you pose - Would I still be gambling if I still had money to spend ?

Having thought about it, I cant honestly answer with the response I would have hoped.

That is a real concern, I need to get much stronger mentally....this is not a game its my life!!

Thanks for your diary, it has helped me focus on the all too apparent holes in my armory........its time to prepare and be ready for the battle ahead.

Sbb

Thanks for the post skyblueblue. It's reassuring to know people are reading and it helps me not to feel alone in all this.

re your point about relapsing - yesterday I saw a billboard of a guy clutching a load of money he'd won in a casino. I'd be lying if I say it didn't evoke a surge of energy, a charge within me. Its this feeling that scares me.

However when I feel this way I just read my original post I put on here when I was scared, lonely, desperate and life had lost all meaning. I never want to feel like that again. Reading it reminds me that if God gave me a choice between winning a load of money or never having to feel like that again I know which one I'd choose. I've started on this journey of a better life... There's no turning back now. I hope you stay on the right path too. Good luck. thanks again for taking time to post.

Looking back at your original post is a good thing in times of need , I went one step further and printed it off and put it in my wallet as you never know ? .

I'm not sure that the moneywas the stopping point for me , I had a fair bit of debt on card's and small loans but I could certainly have gone a lot further , bigger loan's , remortgage the house, who know's how far thing's would have gone had I not stopped ? .

I feel everyone has their own " Rock bottom " a turning point or " Eurika moment " and thankfully mine came in time :))

All the best guy's

Hi mate I was in a bigger state than yourself , I lost about 25,000 and I eventually told the wife and she helped me out . The only thing with this is you need to then make sure you hand everything over Do not allow any doors to be left open or you will be 1 then 2 then 3 grand in debt ! Sit her down explain your not feeling well she will dig and it will probably then come out naturally . She will stick with u mate but like me we need to stop and stay stopped all the best phil

Thanks so much for the posts guys. Yeah all blocks watertight now Phil - i hear you completely, before I was trying to manage gambling losses alone... Whilst I managed to do this I would always end up back in its clutches. This time different. Wife is alongside me supoorting me this time. If I screw up again I will break up my beautiful family... No chance. Yeah the trigger was that I ran out of funds but the loss of control this time was frightening and this is mainly what's driving me to overcome and conquer this time. Long road ahead but I'll stay on it.

Up early today. Something trivial went wrong... I got in a massive mood and took it out on my wife. She was hurt all during breakfast. I apologised and explained that I'm still having trouble managing my emotions, especially when things happen out of nowhere and in turn my plan for the day has to be changed or adapted. She was still hurt but hopefully as the day progresses she will be ok.

As we were leaving the holiday she said she dreamt of returning one day in the future when all is well again in our lives. This gave me a surge of inspiration which I will hold on to. Promised myself when finances sorted and I'm back on track I will bring the family here again... However long it takes I will do it. And next time I won't lie in bed feeling sorry for myself... I'll be right on top of everything and we will have the most amazing time. All this will be behind us by then. That's a promise which I will think about every day. When this happens I will write up the experience in the success stories section.

Day 16 for me guys. Days slowly accumulating. No thoughts about a big win so far today. I'm winning... Hope you are too.

Your wife sounds as if she's trying very hard to cope with the storm that's been dumped on her out of the blue. Being too understanding isn't necessarily in her best interests. Can you encourage her to look for support and advice for herself from friends, family, this forum and/or GamAnon?

hi mate,

hope you're doing ok. I agree with lethe, your wife needs someone to talk to, mine went to her sister. it got out all her anger and frustration and got another's perspective on it. if I'd said being a gambler is not all I am, I'm a good step dad etc etc she wouldn't have believed me but because her sister said it she was able to look past the gambling and see me and how badly I wanted to sort myself out.

enjoy your weekend.

A

Hi, I am new to this site, have never been able to face the fact that I have lost everything to a roulette wheel, I was suffering with depression after failed marraige , my marraige was awful and I become lost within my self, I walked away from all the abuse yet I found my self now renting with what money I had left from my divorce and blew the lot , It did not appear real to me at the time untill I woke up the next day, then chased it to try and win it back only this time I sold my car to pay for it, after that I got a 6 k loan and blew it with in minutes of it landing in my bank account, then maxed out credit cards and my overdraft, my depression has got so bad I had almost given up, I havent been back to work in months and to be honest not sure of a way forward, I done this a few years back I had 3 attemps failed ivf , which again felt so low that I took out over 40 k in loans ended up having 3 jobs and worked my self in to the ground to pay it all back then I sold my house to get rid of all my debts in one go, what I will never understand is, when I had won I spent it all back bigger bets on the wheel, , I guess really I WENT TO THE WRONG PLACE TO FIX MY SELF,, I was a strong woman and have always taken care of mortgae bills and worked hard to end up at 43 with practically nothing to show for my life,, if any body can help with ways of getting through this , I am all ears, thankyou in advance

Hi BlueBell

Beautiful flower the BlueBell.

Welcome to GC, and thanks for sharing your story.

I am certain many people will offer you wise words , and professional advices.

Well done for trying to change, and be aware that you are not alone, and you can be successful in stopping Gambling.