NEED PEOPLE... I just need people like you to be there for me right now

Day 19 today. Up and about for work. Will just lose myself in the days events and hope I have a good one.

My life has changed forever... I need to change with it. Last couple of times i have been to this workplace I was freaking out with debt worry and shock regarding what I had done so need to have a good shift today. I know people have been worried about my erratic behaviour there. Good luck everyone out there also fighting.

Hopefully use gym after work tonight if not too tired.

Something clicked today regarding one day at a time, stepping forward and not backwards, the cycle of stress/ anxiety > depression > addiction, being the best person that I can from here on in, dealing with life head on and what it throws at me, making a success of my life... Everything has seem to come together out of nowhere today... I realised that I need to address the stress and anxiety when it manifests in the first place and arrest the cycle each time. This could be done (now) by slowing things down, taking time outs, talking to people who are aware of the situation, getting to more groups and using the online help offered by gamcare, visiting GP... whatevers needed really.

I don't want to be governed by addiction anymore so I accept this fight with all my worth. I am not fighting against addiction anymore... I'm fighting back for freedom.

Having said all this I ate a piece of chocolate today and had a cigarette which I said I wouldn't do but small steps eh? :o)

Feel much better within myself today and feel like I can carry this forward with me. Let's do this! Day 19 halfway through. I'll conquer today, then I'll conquer tomorrow... And so on.

Man I really thought I got some momentum going today then lost it all as the day wore on. Bumped into a couple of guys with flash cars and that was it... Started obsessing about the money again and where it's gone. Went to gym... Didn't make it inside... Sat in car obsessing then came home. Mood is so out of control at the moment. At least I made it through work unscathed. Will go home, rest and regroup for tomorrow.

I feel like I let myself down towards the end of the day. I know patience is not my virtue... Started calling my wife to pick her brain about a remortgage when I already know deep down we probably won't get one when they call in October. At least she was an outlet when I needed her... Anyone reading this who is bottling up everything, hiding their addiction, creating a smokescreen using lies and deceit and essentially not talking to anyone human about their addiction... Just don't do it...! Trust me! Youll need peer to peer support to get through this!

days

signalman wrote: Man I really thought I got some momentum going today then lost it all as the day wore on. Bumped into a couple of guys with flash cars and that was it... Started obsessing about the money again and where it's gone. Went to gym... Didn't make it inside... Sat in car obsessing then came home. Mood is so out of control at the moment. At least I made it through work unscathed. Will go home, rest and regroup for tomorrow. I feel like I let myself down towards the end of the day. I know patience is not my virtue... Started calling my wife to pick her brain about a remortgage when I already know deep down we probably won't get one when they call in October. At least she was an outlet when I needed her... Anyone reading this who is bottling up everything, hiding their addiction, creating a smokescreen using lies and deceit and essentially not talking to anyone human about their addiction... Just don't do it...! Trust me! Youll need peer to peer support to get through this!

Youve lost absolutely no momentum today mate...ask yourself did you gamble? Answer no? Then good the momentum can continue and you should be proud. The gambling demons tested you today showing you flash cars and what you could have and you didn’t crumble. Sure it wasn’t a great day like your last 19 days but to hell it would’ve been a lot worse had you gambled. Keep that image of that flash car in your head and drill it into your brain that if you don’t gamble you’ll have a much much better chance of achieving it. Keep smiling your doing a great job

Thanks so much mate. Went to bed on a downer but just cannot go through each day feeling like ****

You're right. I just need to leave gambling behind me and I know deep down everything else will take care of itself. I hate what I've done but what I'm hating more currently are the days I'm wasting in this new future I'm trying to create for myself. Anyway 20 days today. Need to stay strong.

My wife wouldn't leave me alone with our son and go to work this morning as she said I didn't look right. Had to force her out the door. It shows how gambling affects more than just your bank balance.

I can't afford to let this disease take me again. It will finish me off if it does. One day at a time now. Need to get up and be strong for my son. He is depending on me.

I hate what gambling has done to me. It has broken me into pieces and I am still trying to find those pieces and put myself back together.

Gambling has stripped me of my pride, motivation and self-esteem. But I must fight back. I have to win one day at a time for the rest of my life. Tough road ahead but I'm on it and theres nothing I can do... Here we go.

I am in control of my life, not addiction.

Youv'e already taken back control by making a decision to stop gambling and seek help and everyday that follows will bring more control for you .

Our destiny and future's are shaped by the decision's we choose to make today , all you have to do is keep making the right ones and everything else will slot into place :)) .

I came here counting day's and just willing them to be over so as I could move on to the next , slowly over time the day's turned to weeks and months and now into year's and over that time thing's have healed ,fixed and become much better , normal life has resumed and so will your's S , it's just healing takes a little time so embrace it :))

Keep going S , your doing just fine :))

If I could turn back time A9... If I could turn back time...

Anyway once I force myself to start the day they go well... Starting an evening study course this week which I signed up to before all this happened... Decided to see it through regardless of how I feel. Also been to a work meeting prior to this enrolment and looked after my son this morning so being productive to say the least.

Completely accepting that I need help with mood control though. That will be addressed Thursday at GP.

Decided today to live life selfishly for a while and just think about me, healing and looking after my family. Being pulled this way and that just won't work for me right now. Spent most of the day alone with my thoughts... Once I push away the morning cobwebs they are quite positive thoughts about the future to be fair.

I'll never win back the money I blew... But it dawned on me today that in the past I have tried to do that after some months away from the scene. Not this time. I hold on to what you say A9 regarding developing more mastery over all these feelings as time passes. I need to try my best to ensure that I pass the time meaningfully and make the best of life rather than just obsessing about what's done... Basically what you've said.

Got a group tomorrow. This will help my mood for sure. A slap in the face of anything re. dumb thoughts of winning fortunes back. Thank you as always for taking time to pass by my thread. I really really appreciate it when you do.

...

It's probably worth bearing in mind those flash cars are more than likely hocked to the hilt on a leasing deal, not owned outright.

Mr L's disastrous adventures in finance mean neither of us want anything ever that isn't paid for upfront.

Yeah fair point Lethe... That did sort of cross my mind about finance...

I mean I'm pretty healthy and youngish - I would say I have time on my side... Maybe I just need to stop with the self-loathing and appreciate what I have got.

I hold on to the idea that time will pass and this will get easier... I hope the forgiving myself bit takes effect after a while too.

Was great to study today. I actually forgot about everything for 3 hours and just focused on pastures new in terms of knowledge gained. Brilliant. Wish I had more money for study resources now but I'll have to suck that up... Maybe next time i'll consider this before letting the urges take me. Anyway day 20 done. Urges around... But seriously? I only carry money in my pocket now... What's the point in ******* that away - I will never win back what I lost... In fact it wasn't mine in the first place to lose... It was the banks... All this just highlights how trivial money is in the first place. I wish we could go back to dealing in the currency of cheese and cows #:o)

“ Cheese and Cows” ?? . I reckon I could get a “ Babybell “ in a fob’t machine but getting a cow over the cashiers desk might pose a few issues. ? . :))

Ha ha as soon as I wrote cheese and cows I knew I would be hearing from you about that one :o)

Anyway whatever the currency I'm sure I could find a way of exhausting my share of it. If it were cheese and cows there would probably be no cheese on my cheese board come Christmas time no doubt!