NEED PEOPLE... I just need people like you to be there for me right now

Day 21 today. Woke myself up early for some reason... Couldn't get back to sleep. Feeling worse than usual this morning. What I did... Its a horrible feeling to come to terms with.

I know I have a new future before me but I'm just sad about the impact on my family + scared as it felt like I was possessed on that fateful day. Complete loss of control. I hope to god I don't do it again... Ever. Got a group meeting today. Looking forward to that... Much needed.

.

Amazing group meeting. I need to persevere now... Persevere with getting out of bed. Persevere with making the best of my day. Persevere with helping others if they need me and probably most importantly, persevere with the group I am attending. The latter should be easy to do as I feel fighting fit and ready to take on the world since coming out of there. A great place to be.

HOPE

H - Hold

O - On

P - Pain

E - Ends

I got so much identification from you tonight (thank you for that) & now I find part of my diary written by your fair hand :-0

I spent 3 days under my duvet when the realisation first hit me & another 30 months before I finally admitted I was powerless & couldn’t do recovery “my way”...Even after walking through the doors, I spent some considerable time looking round thinking that I was better than all these other poor souls sitting across from me. Today, I’m eternally grateful that I didn’t get as sick as many of these people I now call friends...Yet!

I still can’t get my rear end out bed most days but I don’t beat myself up about it now...I recognise that it’s something I can change, I just can’t be bothered to yet & the recognition is progress, I’m not aiming for perfection anymore (been there, done that, thought I was...Newsflash, “you’re really not!” & today I’m more than ok with that, even if I do need reminding of it on a semi-regular basis!)

And as for the dreams...First they terrified me (having to reset my day count), then they amused me (whoop whoop, I’m gambling & it’s not hurting anyone), now they’ve all but gone.

Winning it all back has never been an option for me since I first came looking for help (prior to that, winning a nought point nought nought number percent was but a pipe dream that kept making my financial hole bigger) & thus I quickly accepted I had to draw a line under my losses...I think this was a massive deal for me, especially since in my early days when I was so convinced my addiction was a money problem! It left me with very few urges, not so much worrying about whether I would relapse but more when my honeymoon period would end. I even worried this throughout the really dark days of my recovery when I wasn’t sleeping or functioning or even really living outside of work because once I had accepted I was powerless over gambling, I became in control of it. I’m never going to accidentally fall into a fruit machine with a babybel in my hand, in order to have a relapse, I have to plan it & when I think about planning it, all I do is play the tape through to the end, remember how badly it ends. Urges are feelings, I don’t have to act on them.

I’m fortunate, I only have a dog with a short term memory & a husband with an even shorter attention span to “look after” so I was able to wallow @ my pity party for way too long....You may need to fake it til you make it for a bit. It’s great that you have embraced that you need support & are being so proactive about your recovery...You really should be proud of you for that, I know I am proud of you!

I’ve been blessed with the people I have met throughout my recovery, from the person that picked me up like a needle in a haystack from this site & carried me into the Fellowship to all the friends I have made both in cyber space & real life along the way, you have found your way into a magical place...Recovery 🙂

You’re doing great, keep on keeping on - ODAAT

This is exactly why i started and sums up perfectly.
https://youtu.be/XiCrniLQGYc

Been to GP today. Was most sympathetic to my cause. Feel miles better after a visit. Talked about all forms of addiction I have indulged in and how addiction finally has me beat and I can't cope anymore. Referred to psych for further testing (!)

Ha ha... I should have done this sooner really. Like 10 years ago sooner. Anyway study group later... Still giving after an excellent GA group meeting yesterday. The gambling world is vast but the recovery world is a smaller world would you believe... Nice to put a face to a name so to speak :o)

Day 22 and I'm winning. Hope you are too. Feeling stronger every day.

Good to see you sounding much more " Chipper " S :)) and being very proactive in meeting your addiction head on :))

Wishing you well mate and have a great day :))

Alan

Thank you Alan. Kept busy today. Slight pang of anxiety when thinking about meeting friends and spending money next month but controlled it. Thanks to GA and Gamcare I have something to believe in now and people who believe in me. Its like armour to me. I'll give or take what the GP outcome is.

Anyway day 22 rolling... Still winning.

Stupid urges to win a bucket load of money and put this all to bed. Got **** all in my pocket though. Unless the 10p fruity in the kebab shop is being generous I better put that idea to bed and carry on with my day. Thank God for blocks. Day 22 almost done... Wavered but retaliated.

Well done for battling through it mate you're doing a great job, keep it up!

JW

Thanks JW. Day 23. Tough time getting out of bed. Went to bed feeling down about the money lost and feeling worse when I woke up. Can anyone with more days under their belt reassure me that these **** feelings will pass over time?

Ive accepted the money's gone and I've accepted a fresh start and I have the will to change. Why do I keep feeling this way? Its like demons entering my mind every so often and trying to turn me to the dark side. After they take over my mind and remind me of the money they make me devise and plot ways to try and get it back somehow. Like everything would be ok after that anyway... Its all ********. It's hard work constantly blotting them out when they appear.

If I'm being honest right now guys I just don't have the means and/or resources to win my money back right now (blocks, skint) and that's what getting me down. I feel weak. Need inspiration from somewhere.

Hi signalman,

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time of it today. Please feel free to contact our Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or if you havent already please take a look at our on-line workbook on the following page for inspiration www.gamcare.org.uk/get-advice/self-help-resources

Best Wishes

Forum Admin

You may be skint S but ask yourself " What do I actually need " ? , youv'e a roof over your head , a loving family that's supporting you and food in your belly ................ " Oh yeah , and me nagging you all the time " :)) .

As hard as it is to accept " It is what it is " and while we'd all love a wedge of cash in our pocket and solve all our problems life's not like that for us and be honest would it be wise to have available cash at the moment ? , LOL , just look on it as natures way of ensuring you do no more harm ? :)) .

The feeling's will deffo pass but it takes time my friend and remember it's only been a few weeks but a few very productive and proactive weeks . " It will get better "" .