NEED PEOPLE... I just need people like you to be there for me right now

There used to be a saying on here " It's ok to look back but don't stare " and even after nearly 3yrs of being gamble free I'm still guilty of looking back . This time though it's more about " What if " I hadn't stopped when I did and where would I be now ? and six feet under is the probable answer as I'd got the point of googling " Painless way's to die .

It's quite scary reading back what I've just written and I feel very fortunate to have sorted my life out before it came to that .

I think the whole " Poor me " Self pity thing is in abundance when we first stop , alway's looking for excuses as to why we did what we did and to that point I think were quite selfish but what do we expect living in our own secret gambling bubble not giving a toss as to the damage were doing to those we supposedly hold dear ? , it's what addiction makes us unfortunately .

Even this last few day's youv'e been scurrying around trying to find way's out of the money mess without anyone knowing , which again I initially did and is usually our first thought , " Self preservation " and keeping that to ourselves also allows a far easier opportunity to pick up where we left off should the urge become too strong to fight ? .

I focused so much on the money damadge I'd done but as you will in time realised it's about much more , trust, honesty, relationships and life in general .

Money comes and goes throughout our lives and is just a means to an end , what's been lost can be put back over time by honest hard work and I want to emphasise the " Over Time " part , it has to be affordable to pay back and you still have to be able to live on a daily basis , so make sure that whatever you choose to do don't make massive repayment's that are not sustainable , recovery's for life so what's the rush ? .

3 yrs on I still have some debt and I don't know if you'll find this weird but I kinda like having that reminder there showing me where I was and how far I've come , I still live comfortably and it's not a struggle .

Lots of day's to come my friend with lots of questions to ask and answer but as I said earlier , just deal with what needs to be done today and do the same when tommorow arrives , bite size chunk's :)) .

All the best :))

A9,

Amazing words of wisdom 🙂 x

Thank you guys for sticking with me. You know what when I cleaned up earlier I felt indestructible - kind of like how I felt when I sat behind the computer and logged on. But as the day has progressed I'm losing all hope. I dragged myself out to a kid's birthday party with my wife and son. It was tough but managed an hour before leaving. They got me up on stage to do some comp of who could drink a bottle of water fastest... Really didn't need that right now!

I started talking to my wife on the way home. I haven't told her what I've done but just testing the water to see if she'll be able to cope with the news. I think she'll stay with me but not sure she'll cope with the news.

I still can't care for my son like I used to. Our relationship has disintegrated. He won't really come near me as I am a bag of nerves and cannot show him any love right now, or even look him in the eye.

Donna, A9, lost, A... All you guys. Thank you for sticking with me right now. I don't think I'd be typing right now had you not returned to check on me and offer me support, I could've possibly just given up. I've never done anything so stupid before. Half an hour's work has destroyed my family's life for at least 8 years.

Let me try again with my wife and see if I am man enough to come clean.

Thanks again for checking in on me.

I just asked myself "can you do this?" But then I realised - do what? I just don't know what I'm doing anymore... Help! Direction and focus needed.

Arriving here didn't happen overnight now did it ? ......... So it makes sense to realise that the way you feel right now or broken relationships won't either ? . We all want the magic wand to make everything better in an instant but any improvement in your life will take time but as the saying goes " If it's worth having it's worth waiting for " unfortunately patience to a Gambler is not in great supply but that will all change the more gamble free day's you get under your belt .

I hope you can find the strength to have that conversation with your wife ......... I know it's gonna be the hardest one you'll ever have and there are never any guarantees how thing's will pan out but the alternatives will be so difficult to manage and gambling will love the fact that you still have your " Dirty little secret together " , trust me that if she stands by you you'll feel instantly as though your taking back control , sure she's gonna be angry and it will take some time for trust to return but do you think it would be any better if she found out on her own ? ......... Better that you choose the time and location my friend and if you do have that conversation then be honest and don't leave anything out regards debt , if it's coming out then it might as well all come out ? .

However you come out of this , going forward you'll have honesty and transparency and that just like myself was something as a Gambler I never had , which in turn will allow you again to build true relationships .

When your able to have true time with your son , when your actually in the same room as he is instead of your mind being on the next bet then the relationship will be rebuilt my friend :)) .

At the moment your heads buzzing trying to process what's happened but just keep going and one day you'll wake up with a clear head because the gambling fog will have lifted and your first thought in the morning won't be gambling related , it's a way off yet but trust me I got there , so I know it happens :)) .

Stay well my friend :))

Once again, thank you.

Yes, you can! We are all here for you for support don't forget that.

The overwhelming feeling you are getting will pass the more you are not gambling. Have you put any blocks in place? This will help with the urges. Do this as a priority and if you do find the courage to tell your wife you can show her you are taking the steps to get better.

We all wish we had that magic wand to make things better but at the end of the day we have to come to terms with this being a lifelong recovery programme and taking one minute, one hour and one day at a time.

Stay strong hun you can do this we are rooting for you

Dx

If you don’t tell her your living lie. Plus if she finds out and you have not told her the situation will be a lot worse. I have had 8 years of hell with gambling and me and my daughters mam split up because of not the money I’d lost but the lies I told to cover it up. Honesty is the best policy

Thank you so much ALN. A bit of tough love maybe what I needed right now. Thanks for all the amazing practical advice. Will read and reread numerous times!

End of day 3 - funny isn't it - the early days are those where you could be most vulnerable as there may be that dormant desire to try and foolishly win back everything at one fell swoop then continue as if nothing happened...

Anyway that's not me this time. I'm done with the heartache and destruction. I'm working on trying to rejig my loan to a much more affordable plan but it's looking doubtful so if it doesn't come off I think I'll sit down with my wife and go through everything with her - I think she inferred earlier that she would be willing to cover more of the mortgage if that eased pressure in some way. Even if it does come off I'll probably come clean anyway. I've no energy left to lie and cover up, honesty must be part of taking ownership of this illness. Let's see what tomorrow brings.

Ok day 4. Got to be strong. Going seaside today with family and friends. Must try and enjoy it.

Tomorrow I'm dreading. Wife at work. Just me and the boy at home. Need the mental strength to look after him properly. Currently I feel so sorry for him that he has me as a dad...

Hope to god the bank call tomorrow and offer me the better loan. That will help loads. Gonna request some regular overtime from my employer too. Wish me luck today.

I really don't want to relapse. Ever. I can't afford to relapse. I'm on my doggy life - and that's not even certain, all depends what the bank says tomorrow.

Does anyone else live in daily fear of relapse, even if they don't feel the urge... I'm talking about the anxiety associated with the prospect that at some point the devil will return and confront me again... Will I have the power to turn him away? How do people cope with this on a day-to-day basis?

Anyway day 4... Long road ahead. Literally and figuratively... 2 hour drive to seaside. Wife driving... Not up to driving long journey today. Haven't been sleeping well. Can't sleep now either.

Good luck today everyone. Keep busy. Enjoy the sun and enjoy being GF and stronger than you ever imagined you could be.

Time will heal how you are feeling right now and when the pain subsides, that's when you need to worry that the urges might come back.

Stay strong, every second that you are not gambling makes you a better man.

Good Morning .

I woke this morning and kinda hoped there would have been some sort of positive post where you outlined a plan to move forward but unfortunately I find a post where your still relying on a bank loan so you don't have to speak with your wife but if that doesn't come off you think you'll " Sit down with your wife and go through everything with her " ? .

You had so many messages of support yesterday outlining what you needed to do and all of which gave " Honesty " as being the most important and one from Boro stands out where he even told you how he lost his mrs , not for the money lost but the lies told ? . If that's not straight enough for you then I don't know what is ? and does your wife not get a say in how your joint income is spent ? .

You ask " Does anyone live in daily fear of relapse " ? Well were all only one bet away from being back in the cycle of destruction but if you start as you mean to go on with Honesty and facing things head on putting every block in place which will keep you and more importantly your family safe by handing over control of finances until such time you get back some sort of control , you really shouldn't live in fear ? .

You think your doing this to protect those around you but still in my opinion in self preservation mode and as Einstien said " The defenition of madness is doing the same thing everytime and expecting a different result "

I'm sorry this post comes accross as harsh but I'm trying to wake you up to the fact that this is a war between you and gambling and you'll need all the amunition you can to fight it , you can do this and you can beat it it's just a question of " How much you want to " ? .

All the best my friend .

Ok A9 ok.

Yeah you're right about the self-preservation mode. You're right. I am being selfish because I can't cope with the reality of what I've done. Her vision of me will change forever when I tell her.

Please don't lose faith in me. Today I looked at my son and worried if I relapse again I won't be able to feed him. I'm still not right in the head. Its only day 4.

I know you're right A9. I know you're right. I was SO close to telling her yesterday... I swear to you I was.

Telling her is my priority isn't it... Not securing the finance. I realise that now after your post.

Please don't give up on me. I need insight like yours right now. re: telling her I just need a window to get my head straight before I do.

Basically what you're saying is that in order to give myself the best chance not to relapse I don't need to change the things I am doing (bank loan, hiding at work by doing overtime) - I need to change the way I think (honesty, tell my wife)

This is getting intense but stay with me if you are able to guys.

I just don't want to lose my wife and son A9... It will finish me off for sure. Do you understand