NEED PEOPLE... I just need people like you to be there for me right now

Posted by: Down and Out

Signalman can you just stop being so bloody popular! Makes me sick! ?

Maybe we should just ignore him when he post's ? LoL  :)) 

I hope he chokes on his Oyster :))  

Yes Signalman

Don’t get cocky ???

Hang on a minute what's happened here... I was being lorded earlier in the week ???

I guess my 15 minutes are up then ? 

Thank god the oyster didn't fit into the FOBT slot or that would've gone and all...

In other non-nautical news, my counselling got cancelled for Monday but I'm ok about that, got some good counselling from my gamcare buddies to keep me going for now. Will rearrange after the weekend.

Which reminds me...

Have a great weekend all and please build on the beautiful new lives you are creating for yourselves and those around you. 

When we all become old and obselete all we'll have is our memories and our catheter bags... ? The time is now to create those beautiful memories and let the past fade into the distance ? let the past go and it can't hurt you anymore.

One thing I am learning today is that my mood is somewhat dependent on how I choose to respond to situations, rather than letting situations affect my mood and outlook because again, that's the choice I've made. I have to respond accordingly to situations, I can let situations dictate how the make me feel... Managing my feelings is MY job, not the external world's.

Patience, tolerance, humility... All that stuff seems to be at the fore today. 

When I got down, stressed or overwhelmed before I gambled. Now I have to respond in a way that compliments my new life and outlook. That's down to me.

                             "Strength does not come from winning , your struggles develop your strengths.

                               When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender , that is strength. "

                               A . Schwarzenegger . 

                              But he also said " Hasta la vista Baby " and " I'll be back " ? :))  

Posted by: A 9

                            But he also said " Hasta la vista Baby " and " I'll be back " ? :))  

Yup, and he also said "there are 24 hours in each day, use as many of them as you can. You don't have to sleep for 8 hours each night, you can sleep for 6, just sleep faster!"

Because I am so impressionable I did try this for a while actually... And turns out I can sleep for just 6 hours at night, as long as I get a 3 hour nap in the next day to make up for it ? 

Sorry Arnie... Some of us are just born lazy I'm afraid ??

Just killed it in the gym, now I'm off to my GA open meeting ?

Yeah this is the life for me ??

How about a GA meeting in a gym , would that work ? :)) 

Glad as always to hear your enjoying life S 🙂

“Oyster la vista baby”

Nice bdog, nice ?

A strange set of events occurred yesterday, I returned from my open meeting full of beans, I received a recognition for 6 months gamble free and I didn't even put myself forward for it, but nonetheless most graciously accepted the congrats card and expressed my thanks to the group for all the help they've given me.

My wife was about when I got home. I showed her the card but she didn't seem that impressed. That hurt my feelings. I reacted a bit and told her I probably didn't put myself forward for a recognition because I'd asked her to come to the meeting and she'd refused so I hadn't seen the point in celebrating if there wasn't anyone close there to support me. 

Anyway she told me that she didn't see not gambling as a cause for celebration and she felt somewhat bitter about the whole recognition thing - that's why she didn't want to come.

At this point in the past I would have gone right into myself because she had spoilt my vibe, I would have been full of resentment and decided I want to hurt her like she is hurting me. But instead this time I took a breath and talked through with her why she was feeling this way.

The long and short of it is that she is bitter because as a result of my gambling, we are under a big financial burden now and not only do I owe her loads of money, but she is also having to work 5 days a week (she gets paid loads more than me) rather than her usual 4 and will now miss out maximising spending the formative years with her son. I on the other hand work full time but I work nights so I see him loads.

And I'm getting cards and a pat on the back for all this?!

Well - when she put it like that I couldn't be mad at her. The only thing I said to her in my defence is that she should try and come to the next meeting as then she might realise that gambling addiction is an illness and when in the throws of it all morality and decency goes out the window - it dawned on me that she has very little understanding of addiction and how it pulled my strings, she has chosen to bury her head in the sand...

But you know what - that's cool. However she wants to deal with all this is cool. In the throws of addiction it's all about you... Stepping out of addiction can make you realise that by being this way, a lot of s**t thrown at you by people is probably your own doing when you analyse the pathology of it all.  Addicts - don't take things so personally! Why are people treating you this way? Well you probably laid the slabs down at some point! Also - her bitterness probably stems from me being an a**e to her over the years whilst in the throws of addiction, of course she is going to be bitter if I am being lorded for behaviour that has caused her so much grief...

Love - like many things (beauty, success, happiness, sadness, madness) - is a broad concept. The vastness of definition can be overwhelming. Best thing I think with concepts like these is to break it down to what you see it's true essence to be then understand it from there. In my case I see love as loyalty. That's my 'go to' understanding of what love is.

We met when we were at school. A few weeks after we started dating I landed myself in a terrible bind... I told her what had happened and recommended she get as far away from me as possible. Instead she said she'd stick it out with me and face whatever consequences came our way. We had only been dating a matter of weeks. After this proclamation I decided I'd be devoted to her. 

After a year or so my home life became unmanageable and it was best that I got far away from my current town for that reason so I moved to the westcountry (we lived near London). Again, I suggested we split up but she didn't. We had a long distance relationship for the best part of 5 years. My addiction took hold of me over there, once again I got myself into a mess, I was basically run out of the city I was living in by very unsavoury people and told not to come back any time soon. I returned home - told her of my problems and instead of leaving me, she suggested we buy a house together so she can help me get back on my feet.

Unfortunately, My addiction was rife by the time I moved home and to make matters worse shortly after we moved in together she had to move abroad  for a few years as she managed to acquire her dream job that she had been working towards since leaving school so I ended up living alone for that period. Of course isolation is the key ingredient for any addict so that paved the way for years of destruction. A few years passed and they culminated in me sending her an SOS email one evening asking her to come home for good otherwise the consequences could be dire if she left me alone any longer - yes you guessed it - I lost a bucketload of money that day and wasn't sure if I could go on living this way for much longer... There was a possibility we would lose our house if this carried on.

So instead of leaving me she left her dream job abroad working for this global company and moved back home to be with me, she took a job in a library on minimum wage as a stop gap until she found something in her field. Again the opportunity was there for her to leave me but instead she helped me get back on my feet and eventually we got married. I got my head down for a bit and eventually with a bit of help from family we got enough money together for a bigger house so we could start a family and that what's we did in 2016. My son was born and on the day he was born I whispered in his ear that I wouldn't let him down... I thought that by him landing all my problems with addiction would go away as I had responsibilities bigger than myself now. How wrong was I. How I grossly underestimated the power of addiction.

Fast forward a year or so later and well... Read my first post if you can be bothered - I don't have the steel to relive all that again. What a mess I made. This time rather than tell her and ask her to leave me I figured I'd just do the unthinkable as it would put her out of her misery and myself out of my own... Kill two birds with one stone so to speak. My son would have a much better chance of growing up properly this way I figured. It was pretty hairy but largely thanks to support from virtual strangers on gamcare  I managed to see through the fog enough to do the honourable thing and come clean to her.

Once again, the offer to leave me was on the table. But instead she leant me money to clear some debt, worked extra days around her usual 4 to help our finances (thus limiting the time she can send spend with our son in those precious early years) and she has agreed that we can eventually remortgage the house when it comes round in a few years to clear the rest of the debt.

8 months later and I go to bed last night loving her more despite our altercation. I mean, how couldn't I... After talking things through she told me that while her bitterness and resentment remains for my commendation related to something that has brought so much pain to her life, at the same time she would be willing to attend the next open meeting when it comes round as she acknowledges the change in me has been remarkable and this, and her bitterness towards it all probably signifies that she could do with learning more about the illness and it's intricacies. How could I possibly resent her for that stance. How could I possibly let my resentment related to her spoiling my mood for that day override her innate desire to support me through life and stay by my side, despite everything I've put her through... Remember that thing I said earlier about loyalty??

But you know what, back in the day when in the throws of addiction I wouldn't have made it past the first hurdle. Addiction makes us such insular beings... We are feeding the FOBT, we are feeding the online account - concurrently we are feeding our egos, our irrational impulses, our base level wants and needs. Little do we realise that the more we gamble, the more we give licence and justification for these self-absorbed, self-consuming prophecies to run riot and rule. Back in the day I wouldnt have been able to see past the fact that she'd hurt my feelings and spoilt my vibe for the day, i would've reacted and done my utmost to spoil her vibe for the day in the spirit of retribution. I'm ashamed to admit that.

Yes anyone who is savvy enough to know about CODA and its relationship with gambling addicts is probably spitting blood now. But listen - I went to bed last night loving her more. If she can go through everything I have outlined to today and at the end of it all just harbour a bit of resentment towards me now and again then I'm eternally grateful that she is still in my life - I'll take the resentment on the chin of course. Surely this is a sign that there is hope, that I can be the person she deserves if I work hard enough at it? I just need this chance to make it happen now... Now I have it - living ahead of my addiction and not in the throws of it.

Anyone that reads my diary regularly, you know I always go on about how I owe her so much? Now you know why.

I write this from a place of wellbeing today. I will strive, every minute of every day, to ensure that sticking by me was the best decision she ever made... For herself and for our son. I can't let my guard down and have to work wholeheartedly every day on my recovery, such is the commitment I've made to her as a result of everything we've been through, such is my loyalty to her now. Sticking with me will be the best d**n decision she ever made... Her and my son will prosper from their loyalty to me, I will ensure from here that my son grows up around a person who is striving to be the best version of himself and in turn when he grows up I hope he will be proud of his old man and would want to be the best version of himself when he is an adult, not a slave to addiction, not someone who can't bear to be himself and is constantly looking for an escape route (that's all gambling is - an escape route which just takes you round in a circle - it's not a means to an end by any stretch) , yes I'll always be having to stay ahead of my addiction as a result but that's a small price to pay if it means I have a chance to offer my family the life they deserve and the kind of husband and a father that they deserve. One that brings joy to their existence, not one that drains the life out of it.

My loyalty to my wife is unerring and eternal now, unerring because I was just leaning on her before - now I will always be there to prop her up when she needs me... I will follow her to her grave. If she hadnt done what she had done for me over the years I would have been easy prey in the hands of addiction and consequently she would have probably been following me to my grave.

Thanks Signalman - great insightful post as ever. You have got yourself a good’un there. And you know she is right. There is probably going to be quite a lot of stuff that will come out yet in terms of the hurt that has been built up over the years, but the more mindful, less egotistical you will manage it as you have just showed. Despite the ups and downs you are in a good place right now.

Hey man

Nice post. I do relate particularly to the mini-huffs (emotional manipulation) you describe here and in other posts. Glad it’s not just me that is noticing this - and trying to catch it at source.

i also like your thoughts about emotional repression - which I’m sure is at the root of all addiction. And your mrs is just going with her feelings. 

I think it would be really sad if she was too open armed about your recovery- given the history you have set out above (respect the candidness). 

Obviously she can’t switch on and off emotions just like that. And if she did it- it might just be another layer of control? 

Talking and expressing how you feel is always the answer in any special relationship

All the best 

Louis

Thank you both for your responses... Appreciate the insight and feedback as always.

Completely agree with everything you've both eluded to. 

Yeah you know what - I didn't have a clue what co-dependency was and all that lark until people started talking about it on here and I looked into it. And although most of my gambling escapades are buried deep in my mind somewhere, sadly I am starting to remember specific times when I should've walked away but instead I made a trajectory and walked back to the counter as I thought at the back of my mind that she would probably bail me out if it all went wrong anyway.

I have so much making up to do.

In the first year we were together (17-18 years old) I think I was a pretty normal human being... I know she clings onto some hope that one day if I get ahead of my addiction proper I'll be that guy again, we'll hold hands, swap jokes, go cinema, talk to each other about problems etc. 

Sounds pathetic to aspire to be the sort of person I was as a teenager but frankly I have made the situation this way and consequently I am a 35 year old living with the emotional intelligence of an 18 year old. The download has been on pause for a while now but finally I have resumed it. 

The harder I work at my recovery - the more processing speed I will acquire and hopefully the download will catch up to my current age and situation.

Gambling and addiction just turned everything off. I realise that now. 

Rob - you're right - as things transition and I move from being her liability to someone she can depend on, how will she adapt to that? Will she embrace the change or find it daunting and risky that I am stepping up? Is she now conditioned to looking after things? Is she ready to relinquish some of that responsibility now? 

All these problems no doubt on the horizon and we will work through them alongside my recovery.

She has always been an angel... She never argues with anyone except me, she never shows any bitterness or resentment to anyone except me. Yeah shes probably repressed to an extent due to her upbringing bit it doesn't excuse the fact that my attitude and behaviour at times lead her down the path of her feeling she has to defend herself...

Cause and effect? I had it the wrong way round before. Like you say Louis, outside of addiction is the possibility to approach situations like the other night together in a healthy and loving way, like true companions should.

The thing is that if someone loves you, I don’t think that’s codependency but I’m no expert. From what you have said I don’t think it’s codependency.She just loves you man.

Thanks man. Its just that I do worry about this patient > doctor dynamic we've had going for some time now, it all feels a bit symbiotic... Well until now anyway.

The patient seems to be getting better. Hopefully the patient and doctor can move beyond their original relationship and live with equal dynamics moving forward ?

Basically I just cant f**k up again. Everyone has their limits including her. Gambling could not possibly offer me anything now that would benefit my life. Even one bet puts me in the s**t moving forward... Because one bet will inevitably spiral out of control, it always does with me.

If I screw up again I'll definitely get out of her life for good. So the answer is not to screw up at all costs. Cheers Rob, hope you're going well buddy.