NEED PEOPLE... I just need people like you to be there for me right now

If you work this properly for long enough then eventually you will wake up every day thankful and grateful for the second chance youve acquired to make your life work in the way you want it to.

Imagine that... ?

Hey man,

Congratulations on your recovery 401 days GF is amazing and something that I can only dream about at the moment. I’m on my 8th day so very much at the beginning.

I have been looking for an experienced campaigner to ask a question to in return for some advice. I hope you don’t mind.

I am at the beginning so worry a great deal about my debt and how long it’ll take to clear this so my question is as follows:

Does there come a time when you stop worrying/focussing on the debt? If so, how long did this take for you?

I hope you don’t mind me asking you this.

RR

Congratulations on 400 days gamble free. You are indeed a gamcare warrior of the highest order.

Yours is an excellent achievement and also an inspiration to other compulsive gamblers who are battling this insidious addiction.

You have shown yourself to be a man of courage, honour and integrity. I wish you every happiness as you continue on your great adventure into the unknown.

Stay strong, take good care of yourself and believe.

Respectfully yours.

Redeemer x 

Posted by: RouletteRegret

Does there come a time when you stop worrying/focussing on the debt? If so, how long did this take for you?

Listen mate, worrying about the debt is all part of the process at the beginning.

There is only one way out of the debt and that is to chip away at it at a rate you can afford over a period of time.

Eventually it will go away.

So - the choice is yours. You can do this and be consumed by the debt from the moment you wake up to the moment you go to bed and feel like s**t every day.

Or 

You can accept that you need to chip away at the debt over a period of years and spend that time not consumed with self-loathing, but instead consumed with the determination to dedicate time to learning about addiction, what underpins your addictive tendencies, what you need to do to address your character defects, what lifestyle choices need changing to keep addiction at bay etc etc.

It's hard graft and will take up a lot of time... Then before you know it 401 days have flown by and your debt is reduced + you're a much better person to boot. People keep telling me I'm a shadow of my former self, spiritually and mentally. People actually want to stay in a room with me and chat to me. I value myself and value others.

Boom. Gambling is a long, long way in the distance.

If nothing changes, nothing changes... Remember that.

Put the work in, don't go round in circles with this s**t like me and many others have done.

To answer your question, the more work you put in to explore your addiction the sooner you'll realise the money is not your primary concern, your mindset and core beliefs are your primary concern and they need addressing.

The time frame? Well the process is organic so get to it (if you're serious about change).

Good luck.

Posted by: Forum admin

Dear @signalman,

It's clear from your diary, if one reads it from beginning to end, how hard you've worked on your recovery, and I'm so pleased to hear that it has all been worth it.

Really appreciate your message admin - I'm not sure im quite at the end of my diary just yet, my aim is to get to a point where I can email you guys and request that you move it over to success stories section. For now I don't think I'm quite there and still need to work at this (GA, counselling, helping others in daily life, money management, being a better dad and husband, exercising, eating healthily and a balanced diet etc)

Addiction is always lurking if I neglect any of the areas I have mentioned. They say that while youre in recovery your addiction is doing pushups in the car park... 

But I'm doing pushups and sit-ups and going running regularly so for now i can overpower it when it comes looking for me ?✊

And yes, it comes looking for me regularly, even now. I'm always aware and ready when it does and know what I need to do to send it packing.

FIND YOUR PERSPECTIVE THEN STAY CONNECTED TO THAT PERSPECTIVE.

Fantastic to see you are ok Signalman.

Posted by: RouletteRegret

Does there come a time when you stop worrying/focussing on the debt? If so, how long did this take for you?

There is a "Sticky" by someone called Gamhelp on the Success stories forum.

2. DEBTS

* Tell your family/other half about your debts - ALL of them - so that they can help pay these people back. Make an offer to pay a bit a month - even £10 - no more sticking your head in the sand.

* It’s important that you pay the debts over the longest term possible, as it’s a lasting reminder of the consequences of your actions.

* Ask them to freeze the interest, and go for 5 or 10 years repayment terms. But repay you will, and it will help fend off your next bet.

* As well as paying back yr debts, keep a little back for doing something nice, a small treat, whatever you can afford.

You need to understand that the debt is a symptom not the underlying problem.

My debts (all of them) were just over £40k on 27th August 2018.

They are £35k now, so slow progress but I have lived a normal(ish) life over the last 400 days.

I'm not skipping a night out with my wife just to knock £100 off the debt.

Signalman,

Thank you for your response and we’ll done on your continued improvements.

KS2,

Im not skipping out a night out with my wife just to knock £100 off my debt.

Crikey, that statement got through to me faster and harder than anything I’ve read here in the past week.

Thanks guys. I get it. Start from scratch, get better, feel better, enjoy life And everything else will take care of itself.

RR

Hey man,

Thanks for posting on my diary this morning. Much appreciated.

Been reading some of your diary. I hope you don’t mind me asking but ref the running, sit ups and press ups - how often do you do this and how has it positively affected your recovery/mindset. We’re you always into exercise or was this something that you read/learned about?

RR

Hi ya

To be honest RR in the context of that post I was speaking figuratively about the exercise ?

However yes I can answer your question by saying exercise has helped me immensely in my continuing quest to overcome this. 

Let me be clear though, I have always been a compulsive gambler and have been gambling all of my adult life... However I discovered that exercise was a way to flood my brain with endorphins + feel great the next day so exercised regularly alongside addiction (playing roulette on the treadmill... Nightmare) ?

Anyway it never got out of control per say until I had my son a few years ago and stopped exercising completely for a year and a half (lack of time I told myself). When I became unfit and overweight my self-image went down (which addiction thrives on) and the gambling increased tenfold.

6 months after going into recovery I got back in the gym and haven't looked back.

So...

Yeah it's probably another addiction... You could easily throw yourself into exercise as an addict. Is that a good thing or just addiction replacement?

Can't speak for you but for me it's different because this time round it's my ONLY addiction, and it's controlled (3-4 times a week) you won't find me in the gym if I'm required by friends or family, in my heyday addiction took precedence so that wasnt the case.

I have given up booze, alcohol, meat - basically any behaviour or activity I haven't been able to manage responsibly prior to recovery. 

I feel I got this. I feel great. 

Work out your vices, character defects... eliminate them.

Work out your targets and goals and go for them ?

Don't start beating yourself after 16 days though if you're yet to feel spiritually enlightened (you're pseudo-masochist)  ??

Take care

Wow im just reading through the diaries tonight and it has dawned on me that there are so many sick and deluded people using this forum

But that's ok. That's a good thing. This place can be a place of healing if used with an open mind... And by that I mean an acceptance that each and every one of us has been affected by problem gambling (either directly or indirectly) and it has left us in a bad way.

I have come to terms with my sickness and delusion and how it has governed my life for so long. I'm not ashamed to be a gamcare warrior, even if the path to me ending up on here was sickness and delusion. All my life I felt like a helpless victim to injustices, perhaps I was, but who cares about that - what I didn't ever fathom was that there was a way out of this mindset. But to even get a taste of that new perspective I had to accept that my current perspective was intoxicated by the past and present. 

Using old behaviours, mindset and methodology to gain a new perspective? You do the math... ?

Anger, hate, self-doubt, resentment, delusion, self-pity, envy, lust, denial, paranoia, lack of discipline etc etc

If you find yourself in a bad place after something happening in your life or after reading someone's words on here just stop for a moment and remember how you felt before that 'thing' came into your spectrum of thought. If that thing enters the pipework of an intoxicated mind, a work in progress, it will probably be warped into something it's not. Eventually as the healing process takes place over time the pipework will regenerate and purify, the same thing could enter your spectrum of thinking and you could end up seeing it completely differently.

There really isn't anyone on here who is hell-bent on inflicting hurt and pain on those around them. There are some 'tough lovers' on here, but they do it because they care, they are desperate to trigger that "born again moment" (joydivider ©) within you - where you begin to see addiction (and importantly compulsive behaviour) for what it truly is... 

You pull the strings in your own mind, nobody does it for you. So if something is going in there and making you feel like s**t, try pulling some different strings...

Over and out for a while ✌️ look after yourselves and work towards a magical Christmas (it's a great time of year isn't it?) All the more so if we keep away from a bet!!!

Ps I know none of the above is easy. But it is possible. That's all I'm saying.

We are stronger together (even if we get on each others nerves sometimes)

Forgive, forget, move on, stick together.

Hey man,

Really appreciate your words on my diary today. You have what I want. You appear to have put a lot of work into yourself and more work into learning about your addiction. That’s all I want. I don’t want to just stop gambling I want to understand the route cause. I want to become a better person and make sure I never return to the dark place I’ve been in for far too long. I want to understand why I do it to myself so that I don’t need or want to do it ever again.

Im going to start your diary from the beginning tomorrow and learn as much as I can about your journey so far. You seem to be doing well so I think it makes sense.

RR

I was listening to the radio today and there was a show on about working in business, the bloke said something quite intriguing (about business but it made me think about gambling)

He said that whenever one ventures into any business deal they are basing the outcome on speculation, and with this speculation comes the possibility of it leading to profitable outcomes or loss of earnings. He said that this is one of the basic, fundamental rules of business and he said that each and every businessperson should be mindful of this when they attempt to put together deals, forge relationships and make commitments to others.

See where I'm going with this? From time to time I read comments from people here who refuse to buy into the idea of gambling addiction as an "illness" - instead preferring to allude to the idea that that is a smokescreen and refusal to accept responsibility for ones actions (greed, selfishness and such like)

I haven't had a bet for a while so being 'in the madness' is a bit vague for me to recall, but I certainly have not forgotten completely what it's like to be in the 'on tilt' mad frame of mind when huge, stupid bets are thrown on to chase previously stupid and impulsive bets... Until there's just nothing left in the pot. What I'm hitting on here is that EACH AND EVERY TIME I lumped on those silly bets I was CONVINCED it would come in and I'd go home happy. When it invariably did not I would always delude myself with some reason that my luck wasn't it that time, but it would be with the next one... A law of averages, surely one will land in the end.

Looking back I was well in the throes of this illness. Businesspeople make measured decisions according to this bloke. I am, have been and have the capability of being a fairly well-rounded person when I have needed to be - I have a house, a stable job, a family and education behind me. 

So why would I blitz all my money and more ten times over on these hugely irrational bets? Some were so impulsive I'd just look at the odds in desperation when chasing, not even pay attention to the sport or the team... And the bet would be on in an instant... All i'd care about was the potential return and getting my money back.

With roulette id be chasing and do that 'anger clicking' thing online - lumping stupidly on a number until the winnings would be sufficient to make back lost money. While the wheel was spinning I'd be convinced it would come in this time and I'd close the laptop straight after.

It was insane behaviour, and certainly not driven by greed or selfishness as some allude to. I believe my wiring was skewed which caused this ill behaviour and the crazy bets which have got me into a mountain of trouble and debt were endemic of the illness.

Of course I appreciate there are rubbish entrepreneurs out there who suck at business and make terrible decisions and send companies under - so not all businesspeople are so measured like the bloke said, but I guess he was just focusing on the 'well' ones - most of whom are consequently successful in their dealings... I think there are more measured businesspeople out there than there are crazy ones.

With gambling I do wonder you know... Are there more sick gamblers out there than well ones? Surely if you had enough good wiring in you you'd literally just find something more fulfilling to do with your time?

This time last year I would've told you I'm a no good, piece of s**t human being for what I did. Today I have forgiven myself which I believe is an integral part of recovery... Plus have also began to analyse my gambling behaviour, specifically the rationale associated with some of the bets I placed, and realised that I never stood a chance in the wake of this illness... I never stood a chance whilst I was doing nothing about addressing the reason this illness was manifesting inside me.

Take care all x have yourselves great weekends.

Much love

Wow Signalman,

Where do i begin, even outside gambling i never thought i was mentally ill, yet always thought i was DIFFERENT from most people. On more than one occasion my wife has suggested that i had autism but it was never diagnosed or treated as a kid. When i first came here read many posts and when people described it as an illness i sometimes couldn't bring myself to think that way in case i was taking a cop out for the things i'd done in my life & perhaps trying to make excuses.

Not so long ago i worked in the property business, had lovely clothes, earned a decent salary & drove a nice car. My wife earns a lot more than i ever did & ran her own car. Solely due to gambling all that changed & we had to share one car & we were becoming poorer by the day. If you ask many gamblers what it is they're trying to achieve i'd expect most would say a better life, material things & nice holidays etc etc.

Am i unique ?. For me it was all about brinkmanship, i couldn't accept that the high st bookmakers were going to beat me despite the odds being massively in their favour & millions of pounds behind them. I never wanted a big house abroad, a ferrari or what the rich & famous had. So what did i want to achieve ?. TO WIN  & nothing else so i suppose i am mentally ill or obsessive ( are they one & the same thing ? ).

I've learnt many things in recovery and first and foremost I'm not normal. If i was why would i continue gambling whilst watching everything we'd achieved & worked for slip through my fingers yet continue steadfastly on the path of destruction. I'm a geminian so maybe there's some truth in the twins theory (good one bad one ). In the early days when i first stopped i pondered all these questions for hours on end. Am i any the wiser ? hell no. All i know is i'm obsessive, can't accept defeat and this mindset brought misery to me and my loved ones.

So what about the future ?. Know my frailties, keep things simple and concentrate on the things i do understand rather than the things i'll never fathom out. If i'm tempted to gamble compare my previously scatter brained existence to the life i have now and accept what i am yet strive to be better one day at a time.

Kind Regards

AL