NEED PEOPLE... I just need people like you to be there for me right now

Hello signalman

Thank you for your thoughtful post.

There are some resources that some people might find useful in these difficult times:

Good information and advice on staying at home and your mental wellbeing from MIND https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/coronavirus-and-your-wellbeing/

Debt and financial virus related advice here https://www.stepchange.org/debt-info/coronavirus-advice-for-clients.aspx

Lastly, for anyone struggling with urges, please remember our free HelpLine is open 24/7 0808 8020 133

All the best

Cal

Forum Admin

Hey Sig,

Thanks for your kind words of support on my diary.

Im glad to learn that your doing well and taking control of life. Your personal story acts as great motivation for me and others on here.

Take care and stay safe.

RR

Dear @signalman,

just checking in to see how things have been over the past three weeks and how you are coping at the moment.

Hope all is Ok, and if all is not OK, that you are able to reach out and talk and get support or give support.

Wishing you all the very best,

Eva

Forum Admin

Hello Signalman, I'm only 2 years too late, just wondered what the latest is with you.

I feel your pain buddy, and although I didn't ever feel suicidal I certainly lost a lot of money in a very very short space of time, hope the last couple of years has helped you!

Jon.

Hi guys

Thanks for checking in with me. I really appreciate it. Found myself gravitating back to the site last few days, can't be coincidental... Working a lot (probably too much), mental health wavering during this pandemic (too many life changes for me!) and feeling a bit isolated and lonely, resulting tension at home with the wife.

But I have coping mechanisms and people I can turn to for support these days, which is gold dust and I'm thankful for that.

It's good that the door of gamcare is always open and welcoming wherever people are on this journey. Mine is by no means finished.

I do take strength from reading other peoples journeys and offering help and support to others where I can. Recieving support always welcome too.

Im on the home straight with my debt, march next year I'll be debt free... However will be paying more on the mortgage for a couple of years to repay my wife for all the financial support she has given me over the last couple of years... Im so thankful to her. I hope I can be an example of the exception to the rule regarding accepting bailouts from loved ones when one is in a financial mire... Hypocritically - I actually wouldn't advocate any sick gambler accepting a bailout from a loved one even to this day, however each case is different and in mine I just knew that I was done and dusted with addiction this time - and most crucially my wife saw in my ACTIONS a genuine will to change and invested in that... She DID NOT invest in the promises and assurances I gave her that this would be the last blow out... The words of a sick gambler are cheap, they have little value.

To think - two years ago I was almost a year's salary in debt. Now in 8 months time (fingers crossed) I'll have no debt and some financial security for my family to boot. It can be beaten this burden of ours - but you need to work hard at it and keep working throughout.

Ps I'm applying for a manager's job - hope i get it. I feel confident... I was a manager once upon a time so I know I can do it, unfortunately the self-saboteur in my nature always ensured I didn't last too long in each post. Counselling has helped me to recognise this aspect of my character and deal with it... Counselling I sought for free through gamcare. Thank you so much gamcare.

This potential job would be a huge step forward in my recovery. I think I am deserving of this opportunity and can make it work this time thanks to the counselling in part and also my continued dedication to a good recovery.

Take care all x

2 big job interviews tomorrow (they come like buses) - busy day but then can unload at GA group in the evening ?

Had blazing row with missus earlier - just overcome with emotion I guess, in front of the boy too... But you know what - i managed to pull myself back from the madness and just talk things through rationally with her. Group hug at the end ♥️ there are scars left from my previous behaviour (control) that she did attempt to address with some CBT once but perhaps that level of intervention needs refreshing now things have moved on, have left with her...

Proud of myself though for being an adult for the first time in ages re how I dealt with things!

I really could do with getting one of these jobs tomorrow... If successful I will miss my current job... But currently it's all just too easy. I took this job on the premise that I would gamble myself into a millionaires lifestyle and instead the bottom fell out. Idiot I am... So here I remain today, trying to be a better man and get back on the horse after close on two years without a bet.

Aside from work and financial security, I need to push on with other areas in my life now. By working less hours (if I land one of these jobs) I free up time to really make myself happy and pursue interests. Life can't be all about graft and survival. Surely living comes into it at some point in recovery.

I am working on discipline in all areas of my life now. The final push for freedom. Can't believe I've made it this far... ? The future starts here. I'm enrolled in a different sort of recovery group for other associated but less soul-destroying issues in my life that also need pruning - will get my head in that headspace for a while and bar any messages being sent my way which need replies or inspiring reads elsewhere that warrant a response, I'll take my leave for a bit to further work on myself. i hope to see as many of you on the other side as poss. Should probably remain in with GA group though, would be impudent not to I suppose...

It's good on the other side. Hope to see you soon ? take care.

Hi Sig

Good luck fella i hope the interviews lead to more happiness, more time with your family not to mention a bit more cash in your pocket. In other words everything you deserve for the effort you've put in to your recovery & the help you've given others. I'm glad i took a peep at Recent Posts today.Something i don't do that often nowadays.

Best Wishes 

AL

Sigman,

I wish you the very best of luck in your pursuit of obtaining a better job. I have no doubt that you’ll achieve this. Without doubt you have proven to yourself and everyone else that you can achieve anything that you put your mind and full commitment to.

Good luck.

RR

Good luck mate. Stay save 

Hi

My new job starts next month. I'm pretty nervous about it but know deep down I'll probably be ok.

I have discovered through the course of events that I suffer with anxiety issues... How did I not realise before? Denial I guess. That old adage about it "not being the gambling that's the problem, it's you" - yeah that rings pretty true for me I think.

By March next year I'm on course to clear my debt and embark on a debt free life (bar increased mortgage payments for a few years to pay back my wife for the financial support she offered me during the initial few years of recovering) - I still sit here not advocating anyone to accept a bailout while you're still sick! We got away with it I guess, but I doubt many others would... There are exceptions to the rules I suppose, I thank the lord I was one of them. Maybe it's because I had a one year old kid in tow when I blew my brains out with gambling, he definitely spurred me on to get a grip on things I suppose...

I don't think I'm going to gamble again. To begin with, I wouldn't know where to start! ? The world has changed so much since I was punting, I haven't watched a footy match for years... I may as well flush money down the toilet if I were to gamble again.

But my point is, give me the choice nowadays and I'd rather go outdoors and throw a frisbee around with my son than watch a virtual wheel spin around and pull my trousers down at the same time. Ah it's a no-brainer really but it wasn't at the time because I was riddled with anxiety! I'm getting it now (better late than never!) 

Anyway - I think I'm ready to start living a wholesome life and maximising my potential each and every day, as opposed to 'hanging in there'. I hope everyone on this platform gets to write a message like this one day, I really do. If you have been posting longer than I have and haven't reached that point yet then just keep going, maybe I just got lucky and there was less traffic on the day I set out... ? Life twists and turns, it can kick you when you least expect it... I don't expect things to be easy for me moving forward as ultimately I am still relatively vulnerable and in a fragile-like state but I think I've reached the point where I can take knocks and sustain the damage without falling apart each time, like most neurotypical people do without even sparing it a second thought I guess... However it would be naive of me to ever decide not to spare my addictive nature that second thought, the day I do that I'm an accident waiting to happen.

From the moment I wake up tomorrow I'm going to be at it full throttle now. Time waits for no man/woman/cat/dog etc... 

Thanks for everything this site has ever given me, thanks to the people that use it and I am grateful for the opportunity to access a free service online (I was pretty skint at the time if found gamcare!) that would end up helping me in ways money can't buy. If gamcare is ever forced to become monetised by the forces greater than ourselves then I think at that point i would welcome a meteorite smashing into Earth and blowing it (and everyone on it) to smithereens ?? I am also very grateful for the course of free counselling I managed to access - funded by gamcare.

Thank you. I (and my little family) are really, really appreciative of that.

I think I'll get my head down for the foreseeable now... Perhaps post in a few years time to reflect on the most bizarre, torrid but fruitful 5 years of my life - I would think that I should be posting once in a blue moon to bump my diary in the hope that on occasion, someone out there draws inspiration from it... Boy did I need some inspiration when I first arrived here.

I still maintain that it's blooming hard work getting a recovery right. Just popping on here regularly and hoping the gods will reward you for that is not enough... I guess it all boils down to what you think your life should look like and going for that... Everyone's perception of that will be unique to them and different to others... I think in a parallel universe I may have been content with living on gamcare in a perpetually depressed sort of dissatisfied state... However luckily I live and exist in this universe and not the others and in this one I want to be happy. So I've worked hard, haven't been afraid to look addiction straight in the eye, and I've kicked it in the gonads. 

Honestly - if I can do it anyone can... I was a walking disaster when I joined gamcare. 

Set you marker for happiness, work out how much effort that entails, then commit. If it all sounds like too much effort - lower your expectations then raise them at a later stage, if you want to!

The point is - the ball is actually in your court... The choice is actually yours.

Anyway bye for now. Take care. Enjoy the other side of lockdown when it eventually comes. I prey that commercial space once taken up by dens of misery are gutted out and replaced with wellbeing centres. Yeah that may send the sick addicts underground into the murky virtual underworld but hey - I don't have all the answers and as I've always maintained - the choice is always yours to make... We live and die by our decisions.

I know that I don't get it right most days. I'm sure there are days when you even resent me and my untoward behaviour, and wonder why I behave the way I do and inflict my pain on others.

Truth be told, it's nothing personal. I'm trying every day to be better. I'm trying every day to prove to myself and those around me that I am not rotten to the core. 

It's hard without a proper upbringing, without a stable base to work from. But I'm try so hard, from the minute I wake, to the minute I sleep, to create some semblance of a stable base for you. 

Without anything to work off, it's hard for me, I hope you understand that one day.

I just want you to know that my whole life since you've been born has been, and will always be, dedicated to protecting you from what I have seen and experienced... I don't want you to be broken like me. I want you to have a chance to achieve your potential and make good in the world, I never stood a chance really... But giving you the chance is a chance I've been given. I won't let you down... But I will fall down from time to time. I hope you forgive me in this respect.

Always remember that it's all about you and will always be about you. When I fall down, it's because I'm pushing myself so hard to protect you and ensure that you have freedom, the type I never got to experience, as you grow from a child, to a boy, and eventually into a man. I love you so much. My whole world revolves around you. 

That is so beautifully written signal man

LouX

im really glad ive taken the time to read ur story, it starts with u in the desperate place and ends with you soo much stronger.  Keep working on ur recovery and smash it at ur new job.  All the best adam

I thought about placing a bet a few weeks ago, but didn't in the end.

I got a bit drunk after a couple years sober, didn't enjoy the aftermath. 

In the same week, I started smoking again after a similar clean stretch, then gave it up again after one pack.

The addict never leaves you. But you can harness its wrath with a good recovery and a decent day count behind you.

I hope I never gamble again and go on to achieve my potential. I'm well on the way but there'll always be trap doors about for me to fall through if I'm not careful. 

Bring on the next 1000 days ✊

Love to all x keep fighting. The addict will never be truly free but can ride the waves of life and therefore make it manageable if you put in the hard work and effort during the tough times. I guess recovery is a bit like 'muscle memory' - you have to put in the work to build it up at first then from there it's about maintenance ?

Hi signalman, how well you have done and how far you have come!! And well done for getting back to good place after relapsing with the cigarettes, resisting the betting and realising the aftermath of drinking is not worth it ??

Battling various addictions takes great strength I am coming to realise!! So you deserve a huge congratulations.. I can relate to your words re being an addict and strgthrnung that muscle to become strong... Then maintain it..

Thank you for those words.. And again so well done ?