NEED PEOPLE... I just need people like you to be there for me right now

I am buoyed by reading the success stories on here and get myself down reading the miserable ones... Not sure if I'm doing this right... Any tips on how to use the forums in a way that conserves my will and doesn't leave me feeling helpless against this addiction?

I don't want to stop showing people support on here though... That is a must for me.

Been alone with my son today - was tough but he slept a lot so followed suit. He will be waking up soon.

No urges or anything - got a supportive email back from a friend who I confided in. Still massively scared of a relapse somewhere down the line though. Keep telling myself that in a strange way I got away lucky with only 5 years damage and not a lifetimes.

I'm not well - new lifestyle, new outlook from here on in - due to disclosure I can reach out to family and friends when I feel I'm slipping now. Taking ownership of the illness helps me to face the day and get on.

Gym today, then GA later. Wish me luck. Holiday next week with the 2 people dearest to me then address the mental health issues with GP on my return. Need to get my head down and work when I'm back. Also I'm starting a 2 day a week study course when I'm back - extra stress yes but maybe could work in my favour - something to get my head into - a welcome distraction.

Day 8 - still GF. So many more days ahead though. Can't even imagine being 80 days or 800 days GF.

Won't be gambling with my family's future anytime soon. Got to go - he's woken up now.

Keep strong everyone.

I feel stronger after posting.

Hey signalman,

Things will still be very raw for you right now, but youve taken some massive steps in quite a short period.......you should be very proud of yourself.

Good luck with GA tonight....you wont regret it.

Damo

Thanks Damo

Sadly I've arrived at the meeting but it doesn't look to be on. I rang an information line and they said wait until 8pm and see if the doors open so I'll do that. Like you say my guts tell me this will help loads so worth waiting in the rain.

Had a good day with my boy but welled up dropping him off to my mum then started obsessing about trying to get all the money back. Need to watch that pattern of behaviour. Dangerous.

Thanks all. Day 8 almost down.

I remember when i tried to go to my first GA meeting. I was so lost with how to even begin to fight this addiction but felt like i wanted to throw myself into anything that could offer me the help and hope i needed.

I turned up at the address listed only to find a locked door behind which was a room full of woman doing yoga! Kinda funny now looking back but i didn't think so at the time. Turns out that meeting doesn't run here any more, which is a shame because i was interested as to what a group like that would feel like and bring to my recovery.

Hope your evening went better than that! There is help out there in more places than you think, don't ever feel like you can't ask for it. Just be honest. We all fail and struggle at times just be honest and open and you can work on anything. Recovery really can be life changing if you want and work it.

All the best.

Ha ha sjw sorry to hear of your experience! However I truly hear what your sentiment was regarding if the door hadn't opened tonight... Don't then feel helpless and self-pity because things didn't go my way which then fuels a sense of no hope which probably won't end well in my case. I hear ya. Actually I was going to think outside the box and go home and ring a gamcare advisor for a chat and to unload about the meeting not being on... Thankfully the door opened at 8.

Was a powerful experience of course. I'll be returning after holiday and embracing the process and the program. I'm going for me - to take ownership of what I have done and what I can do to fix things but also out of respect for my wife as she wants me to go and I've made her happy.

I listened to everyone's stories then shared mine at the end. The people were good to me and made me a cup of tea. Someone resonated with my story and swapped numbers with me at the end. Have the books to take home and read. I want to embrace the recovery process not just turn up to meetings so will start reading them... I've run out of smarts to combat this illness now... Not smart enough clearly... Need to hand myself over to something more powerful than me.

Smart way to spend an evening... Rather than devising ways of getting the money back. Proud of myself :o)

Day 8. Surviving. Keep going everyone. Do something brilliant tomorrow. Then do something brilliant the day after. Then just sleep and repeat basically.

Every day GF is brilliant in itself. remember that guys.

Still having trouble getting out of bed. It worries me. Thank God I'm not working at the moment.

Been lying here thinking seriously about the amount of times I have gambled and how I've pushed those instances to the back of my mind after losses. There are far more episodes of gambling in my life than I give credit for. Its just this one has changed my life completely so am finally giving the whole thing credence now.

I have realised I need to embrace the step program fully if I am going to conquer this. I need to transform who I am using the process to give myself strength and the best possible chance of not relapsing. Just attending meetings will not be enough for me. I need to go fully into this. I'll need to arrange a sponsor for myself as soon as I return from holiday. If I don't embrace this fully and work on a character transformation I could do it again, the feeling of powerlessness is consuming me this morning. I am so frightened of doing it again. The notion scares me beyond belief.

Day 9... Feeling frightened and downbeat about the possibility - almost inevitability if you like... of a relapse. The only chance I have of conquering this is entering into the step program in all its glory.

Anyone with some perspective to offer me would be much appreciated right now. Thank you as always.

Maybe just my feeling's ? but being a Compulsive Gamblers deciding to stop because you have either been caught out , run out of fund's or because your life has become completely unmanagable, this sudden feeling of Hopelessness , disgust and reality catching up with you just washes over you like a tidal wave ! .

All you can see in front of you is a huge mountain to climb as you deal with the aftermath of whats happened , feeling's and emotions are all over the place not only because of the damage but the feelings of loss as you realise you just can't gamble anymore ? .

Youv'e lived so many years with the same pattern and daily routine with gambling at the hub and it's become such an integral part of your routine just as is getting up and brushing your teeth in the morning, it's been your worst enemy and yet your best friend that your almost in mourning for it when it's no longer there ?.

You have to get a different view of all this S , you need to start looking on thing's positively !.

Your a Compulsive Gambler , you didn't choose it but like myself it crept up on you until it had you in it's grip , you haven't killed anyone nor commited any other horrendous act , so stop looking at it as though your life's over because of past mistakes .

My friend your life's just begining , your secret's out in the open and you now begin addressing it one day at a time . You talk about having a " Relapse " as if it were a forgone conclusion why ?

Personally I beleive that the reason for a relapse is for " Revenge " ? We don't like losing so there's that feeling that " Just one more bet , I'll get my money back and get even and then I'll stop again " ? Of course that never happens because we can't stop can we and then it starts again on another day one ? .

You have to let it go and put all the monetry loss behind you and accepting that it's not coming back will make life and the fear of relapse much easier .

Get up with a sense of purpose in the morning knowing that your creating a different life from this point , wallowing in self pity and as they say looking back is fine but stareing is pointless as what's done is done and it's all about the future .

What kept me going was the simple stuff and not overthinking things , taking each day as it happened and dealing only with what was before me on any given day .

Take the simple positives my friend , your still here , you still have your family and their support , your actively seeking recovery and your debt isn't going up anymore and through one simple choice to " Stop Gambling " :)) .

Talk to you soon buddy :))

Alan

Thank you Alan.

Taken my son out for a while. Was a big step forward for me today. Nothing else matters right now... Just rebuilding with him. Feels good. Every positive moment is a step towards a better future for me and my family.

Will stay out with him for a couple more hours then take him home and settle him for the evening then look over the GA literature I was given.

Day 9 going well.

Been thinking about what you said A9...

I guess what you're saying is that maybe at 35 years old this happening to me will shape the next half of my life for the better. Not saying it's great what I've done - however let's say I live until 70 (fat chance in my case but let's say) and spend 5 years paying off the debt and transforming my character to be stronger than gambling... Then I have a good 30 years to live at peace and can offer the best possible me to my family.

I guess what I don't want is to be 50, 55 and still struggling with this... The fightback begins today then and Will go on forever. I'm glad I've taken the steps I've taken... Finally. Will try and hold on to this.