NEED PEOPLE... I just need people like you to be there for me right now

Ah man... At airport. Being really moody and no fun. Obviously bitter about what I've done... I guess it's sinking in now. Need to try and rise above this and look forward.

Feeling more and more angry with the situation I've created as the day goes on... Struggling to control mood. Trying to take some deep breaths and just remember one day at a time. Day 12... Struggling. Self-loathing rife.

Smile to yourself and remember the only way is up from now ( no airport pun intended) then stop feeling sorry for yourself and enjoy your holiday . It won’t be any better by being miserable so just get on with it for your family’s sake . The memories of a holiday should be for all the right reasons and you can’t change them once you back can you !! .

hi mate,

just to reiterate what A9 is saying, once it all came out about your gambling that was rock bottom, now every day no matter how difficult is a step in the right direction towards recovery.

When I first started I thought I was the only one who had thoughts of winning it all back. turns out when you read people's diaries they feel the same, to me it's part of a gamblers mind, wanting a quick fix, wanting to undo all the bad with a big win. keep being strong and ignore those thoughts, there's always people here to listen and offer experience.

hope the holiday has been good, I know you've had some tough days but focus on the good, spending time with your son, not distracted by gambling. it probably went unnoticed but you were probably more engaged with him than when you were betting.

you know where I am if you need anything mate.

A

Thanks once again guys. Had a sleep and woke up with a new outlook. Apologised to my wife straight away for the morning and explained I was feeling bitter, guilty and angry now holiday is here and struggling to let go of past blunders and enjoy the present moment. She seemed to understand.

Will try to let go and enjoy myself. A precious week away with son and wife is not one that should be spurned. Furthermore when I get back I will be straight on seeking help from GP regarding mood and also back in group as soon as I can. Will be back at work too so will be a lot for me to deal with. A lot of emotions to manage all at the same time.

After sleep I realised if I let the anger beat me I will self-loathe and punish myself with further foolishness like another bet. Also I need to look after myself... Learn to appreciate myself again and sleep and eat properly and be present for my family. I know now there is a lot of work to be done aside from not placing a bet but it will be worth it.

Hi Signalman.

You can do this. If things feel overwhelming focus on tiny steps, each moment you are not gambling is a moment more towards a gamble free future.

You have the strength to do this. Be kind to yourself. I believe in you. Take it a step at a time.

If you are feeling emotionally very vulnerable it might be an idea to go to the drs or speak to a friend if you feel you are not ready to tell your wife.

Wishing you all the very best xx

Thanks Annie. Another morning (day 13) and I'm struggling again. Can't get motivated to go anywhere or do anything. Its having an impact on my wife - she is having to look after our son alone... I literally feel worthless right now.

I wish it wasn't this way... All I do is seem to cause problems in my family's life. I hate gambling so much. I hate what it has made me. I hate what I have become as a result of giving in to it. Yes maybe a focus on small steps is the way forward until I can get to GP.

Mood just all over the place right now. At least I remain GF though.

I just want to feel well again. Gambling has destroyed me. I know it will get easier over time and I just need to push myself that little bit every day. However patience seems like the key right now and I am lacking in that area I guess. That's what makes it hard. No desire whatsoever to gamble today. Today I feel like gambling has ripped out my soul and served it to me on a plate. Thank God I can use this forum to put down my feelings and people support me without judgement. It helps loads. I will try to turn this day around. For me and for my family.

morning mate,

I promise you the feeling of being normal will return, bit by bit. at the begining the most mundane tasks seemed like a mountain to climb, I didn't want to leave the house through fear of seeing a friend or colleague and having to explain why I was off. That's subsided now and I realise I was just recovering and starting to feel normal again. Now even if I want to sit in all day watching Netflix or playing x box, I make myself go out. it does good things for me and keeps my mind clear.

I also struggle with the patience side of things, I want to be years gamble free and look at my finances improve. time passes quicker than you think.

Spend time with your son, I find spending time with mine relaxing, they are the only ones in my immediate family that don't understand my gambling and therefore are the only ones I don't feel judged by. Take happiness from the small things. yesterday my girlfriend's sister baby, he's 2 in a week asked me to sit next to him in the car. he's pampered by everyone because he's their first. felt special that I was the one he asked for. silly but it's a small happiness that distracts me from remembering what gambling has done to me.

have a good day.

A

Thank you mate. You're right. My son deserves better than what I'm giving him at the moment. Since this all happened I know he has gone off me a bit as I have been distant, but I will channel my focus and energy towards winning his attention back. I will pick myself up.

Hello Signalman

I've read all your posts and am touched by your openness (indeed everyone's on here). I won't burden your eyes with reading about my situation but thought I'd extend to you well wishes and compassionate thoughts as you get better. When the awful magnitude of what has been happening hits home it feels slightly similar to some lesser form of PTSD. The shock, disbelief, bewilderment and wanting to withdraw. It's obvious how much effort you are putting in and how hard it's feeling sometimes but you also sound as if you have the staying power and grit to continue getting well again. Keep going, if ever day by day is too much, do an hour by hour. All the best.

Thank you so much. When I look at the pain in my wife's eyes I find strength from somewhere. She deserves everything piece of strength I can muster right now. Its my low mood that brings her pain... Not when I talk about the money. She just wants me to get better and be happy - she says the money is something that will sort itself out over time. I'm so lucky to have her.

Nothing from your past can be changed S !! the future's ahead of you and not behind and the only way your going to help your wife and son is by being the husband and dad that you want to be , your not a gambler anymore so no more losses will affect your life , youv'e laid those foundations for a different kind of future and as with any solid structure "If the foundation is strong , repair's can be made and once again the structure will stand tall and proud " .

Normality will return it just need's time and patience :)) .

Now be with your family and enjoy !!!!!!!!

Alan

I’m the same as you aln I don’t get all these posts. Your on holiday with your wife and son that should be your priority not writing on here all the time. Enjoy your holiday forget about everything else

I get these post's S .

For many people it takes time to get over or come to term's with what's happened and how it affects not just you but your family and it's all very well for us to say move on or get over it but like most on here your hurting , angry and embarrassed about how it's all happened , you want to put everything right and look after your family the way you should and I get that but that being said it all takes time and not everyone can *** the while recovery thing straight away .

Youve done brilliantly so far , youv'e been open and honest with your partner your seeking help via GA and your coming on here pouring your heart out so don't you be ashamed of anything my friend .

Your on holiday with your family now and that's where your focus should be , your not a gambler on holiday and you won't be a gambler when you return but if you feel the need to still have a rant and a vent even while your away or need advice ? well , you keep on posting buddy as it's your diary and your journey .

Have a good one mate :))

Alan